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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm not a bad parent because my child hasn't learnt to swim?

418 replies

purplefan5 · 13/07/2016 14:48

DS is 7, he doesn't know how to swim and he is still in armbands, is this really so bad? I seem to get the worst looks when we go swimming, etc.

Is it really that bad? He doesn't want to do swimming lessons.. Are you supposed to force them?

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 14/07/2016 13:10

"Cote swimming is a useful skill but it's not going to seriously affect your life if you can or can't do it. If I can show empathy, problem solve etc then that will affect my life."

My DC & their friends who have been swimming since they were 3-4 & sailing since they were 7 would beg to differ. Living by the sea in a warm climate, their lives would be seriously hampered if they couldn't swim - no beach days with their friends, no week-long sailing trip with their classmates, etc.

It is also definitely a life skill. We live on a planet that is 80% covered by water, where people have pools & go sailing. Even if you are going to argue that one can live a (limited) life by avoiding water, it is not hard to imagine a scenario where you would accidentally fall or be knocked into water.

Refusing to learn to swim is not a terribly intelligent thing to do, imho. Nobody is saying that we should all swim elegantly in various styles but there is no excuse for not knowing (or not teaching DC) how to float/tread water.

Sighing · 14/07/2016 13:10

My daughter was terrified for most of 6 years of stop start lessons, we tried intensive courses, regular weekly lessons, 1:1 and groups. With me, without. Eventually (age 7 as it happens) she just changed and stopped being afraid. A year later I'd finally say she can swim. Some children need longer. Other daughter is part fish Wink

PersianCatLady · 14/07/2016 13:22

I really don't understand how this question has evolved into such a heated debate but I used to be a lifeguard at my local pool and obviously I think that all children should learn to swim.

I think that the OP needs to find a reputable swimming class, preferably with the smallest class size you can and I would recommend that you don't stand there nervously watching him at first as hard as it will be this will make it a difficult experience for both of you.

littlemissangrypants · 14/07/2016 16:17

My son is 15 , has dyspraxia and can't swim. He also can't ride a bike or tie his shoelaces. He also can't write well due to dyspraxia.We have tried for years to teach him. He has had lessons. Physio and occupational therapy. He still can't do these things. He can swim enough to get himself out of trouble and to have fun in water but will never be very good at it. He gets by as best as he can with the other things he can't do.
My son tries so hard to do normal things that normal kids do all the time. He cries when he has to write. He falls off bikes a lot and falls over a lot. He is always covered in bruises but he keeps on trying.
Yes I'm a shit parent for not forcing him to carry on trying to be a perfect normal kid but he is happy he has achieved as much as he has. Everyone from school to physio wrote him off as he had such poor gross and fine motor skills. He was depressed and suicidal for being different and not coping with normal things.
Maybe I should have carried on making him feel shit about himself so judgemental people don't think badly of me but I love my son enough to love him for who he is and what he can do. Not what he can't do. He will do well in life with a try hard attitude and plenty of hard work. Not swimming is not the end of his life but feeling like a failure may well be.

JS06 · 14/07/2016 17:40

I'd encourage you to get on with swimming lessons doing them yourself for your son or at a local pool.

It's such a fun activity for kids but the ability to swim is essential in my view. Doing it early gets it out the way. Mine went to lessons from age 2 with me and then pool lessons at our local pool until they were about 12. It's enabled my son to become a lifeguard which is fab for holiday jobs whilst at college. Going on holiday as a swimmer is such a great thing too, it really adds to a lovely atmosphere when you can all swim together and in the sea is an entirely different experience too.

Good luck!

Craigie · 14/07/2016 17:41

It's pretty unusual for a 7 year old not to be able to swim, and yes, you do have to force them to take lessons (and absolutely persevere with it, for as long as it takes, no matter whether they like it or not). The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

BertrandRussell · 14/07/2016 17:46

"It's pretty unusual for a 7 year old not to be able to swim, and yes, you do have to force them to take lessons (and absolutely persevere with it, for as long as it takes, no matter whether they like it or not). The longer you leave it, the harder it will be."

There is so much wrong with this paragraph that I don't know where to start!

barbarap450 · 14/07/2016 17:47

My son couldn't swim at 7 either. Very skinny and used to get v cold and just found floating too hard and hated water Then started to get embarrassed. Got him a few one to one lessons. Still not a strong swimmer but much happier and basic technique is good. Not cheap but worth it.

BringBackPacers22 · 14/07/2016 17:48

My DD is almost 9 and will be having swimming lessons next year. She can swim, but barely. She used to go swimming a lot with her granny as a toddler and I take her and her sister a few times a year. I'm not able to enrol her on a regular weekly course partly due to lack of funds and partly due to my work shifts, but she has had 3 intensive week long courses in the past usually followed by a two week holiday with a swimming pool during which time I have tried unsuccesfully to get her to practice and maybe even build on what she has learnt, her dad does not like swimming and rarely takes them. Up until earlier this year she has always worn armbands or had a bouyancy aid. The truth is she swims like a brick! This year with the threat of her younger sister mastering the skill before her and with a lot of me holding up her middle, she managed a width, hopefully she will build on this next term. Most of her classmates have private swimming lessons each week and at her younger sister's swimming party my 6 year old was pretty much the only one with armbands on, so it would appear that most kids learn to swim when they start school. I do sometimes feel guilty, but then remind myself of all the time and money i've spent trying to help to no avail and anyone who judges me or her obviously isn't fully aware of the issue. My dd WANTS to swim, (and thinks she is better than she actually is,) but lacks something when it comes to bouyancy and confidence. I'm not sure forcing a reluctant child to swim will help him. Perhaps ensuring he can tread water for 5 mins or so without armbands would be sufficient for any emergency situation and then leave it up to him to decide if he wants to learn more or not.

aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 14/07/2016 17:52

My nearly 7 year old can't swim all that well either. I don't think you're bu at all. I can't teach my son to swim as I can't swim all that well myself.

My MIL has started to take him swimming with my niece, so hoping he'll pick it up from her as I can't teach him something I'm not able to do myself imho. I also can't afford lessons at the moment and the waiting list for lessons in this area are years long according to the teacher we spoke to regarding them.

Kbear · 14/07/2016 17:53

apart from being an essential life skill, think of the fun they'll miss out on as they get older.... I taught my kids to swim myself, I'm not a swimming teacher, we just went a lot when they were younger and just plugged away at it until they could swim confidently.

Image when your child is 18 and wants to go to Ibiza with his mates and he can't swim... he's going to regret not learning - and I think edging him on now is a good idea and he'll thank you for it.

Take it slowly, lose the arm bands, be in the water with him, show him how to trust the water to help him float and then take it from there.

mumindoghouse · 14/07/2016 17:56

YANBU but I agree great life skill to have. My DS2 had lessons but didn't learn to swim before he was 7. It was a battle and we gave it a break. Then school swimming began and his competitive streak took over. So at 7 we re-started and every 2 weeks or so he went up a class on Saturday swimming and he was diving and storming the lengths before we knew it. Have another go and good luck.

kezzy13 · 14/07/2016 18:04

I'm 28 and still can't swim Blush

treaclesoda · 14/07/2016 18:07

I'm constantly amazed how many mumsnetters have no idea how other people live. Like the comment upthread about ringing round various pools until you find one that does Saturday morning lessons and 'it's called giving a toss'.

Presumably in a city you have a choice of pools but loads of people probably live in areas where they have a choice of one. I thought I was pretty lucky to be able to have a choice of two pools. (Although neither of them do lessons for children younger than 7, and both have a waiting list that can be up to two years long).

Overshoulderbolderholder · 14/07/2016 18:08

Does your DS have any co-ordination difficulties? My DS took an age to write, swim, throw a ball etc etc but with lots and lots of repetition, over time, he has conquered all. So not full blown dyspraxia but some difficulties none the less. He did have swimming lessons, he didn't like them much and found it hard, breast stroke for instance was impossible at the time because of the timing of the arm and leg movements, I do think the trainer, who recognised his difficulties was good for him though, he pushed more than I would have done...,,but the point is HE GETS THERE IN THE END with everything, it just takes him longer. I am proud of his endurance skills. Keep plugging away OP, he will do it... Note ... You never see a child in a swimming class with armbands.

Ruthio66 · 14/07/2016 18:10

I absolutely think swimming is essential, my 6 year old is now a confident swimmer after 2 years of lessons and had the most amazing time on holiday last week mostly due to the fact she could swim with her friends ... My 3 year old has completed her first block of lessons and obviously still a long way from being able to swim however on holiday I turned my back for a split second by the pool and she went back after walking away from it and she slipped in, despite being a non swimmer her basic pre school lessons had given her the skills to be able to get to the edge and climb out before I was able to get to her and she was none the worse! As people have mentioned should cuts be made elsewhere I believe they should, I'm a single parent on a very low income and my girls won't be able to do any other pay for classes until their swimming is good enough to stop lessons.

Shona52 · 14/07/2016 18:11

I would at least get him to give the lessons a try and then if he didn't like it you could accept that. But I do think it's one life skill that is vital to a child to learn

NataliaOsipova · 14/07/2016 18:15

think of the fun they'll miss out on as they get older....

At the risk of repeating myself, only if that's their idea of fun. Not everybody likes pools/water sports etc. I certainly don't and it's not something that my kids (who have had basic swimming lessons) are remotely fussed about.

Miloarmadillo1 · 14/07/2016 18:20

I think a basic level of swimming skills is essential. My children have been told they have to attend until they can swim 50m. Oldest (9) was reluctant for a while then took off, now can swim 800m and is doing junior lifeguard training. Middle child is 6 and seems to be stuck at swimming 10m. I'm hoping by being able to swim daily on holiday he might make sudden progress. At school they swim in years 3 and 4, but only for a term per year. It's nowhere near enough to learn if you can't swim already.

MsDinosaur · 14/07/2016 18:42

I'm a bad swimmer and that's embarrassing as an adult. My toddler has been to baby lessons since she was a few months old. It's a life skill for her and not optional, in my opinion.

NavyandWhite · 14/07/2016 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shillwheeler · 14/07/2016 19:18

I can't swim other than a very badly executed minimal doggy crawl, despite repeated attempts from my parents and OH to get me swimming properly. I would love to be able to.

My son aged now 11, can swim either, although he is making good (but slow) progress. His current school is great, undoing much of the damage of his former pre-prep where they had a very British Military approach, which has nearly scarred him for life.

A gentle very small class with the teacher in the water worked well for him, and he is getting there very slowly - he now actually enjoys it, which is a big plus.

Yes, it is important children learn to swim, but I think gentle encouragement pays dividends rather than forcing. Every child is an individual.

I would preserve, and try and find something that works for you, and your child. Ignore the "stares".

PuppyMonkey · 14/07/2016 19:35

"I think swimming is an essential life skill" is becoming the new "have you cancelled the cheque...."

Stop it everyone. Grin

biilbosmum · 14/07/2016 19:42

We lived in the states for a few years when my children were pre schoolers. There it was frowned upon to use armbands because it was felt it encouraged parents to take their eyes off their kids and not engage properly with them. I'd def ditch the armbands.
i didn't learn to swim til my teens, and I would go as far as to say it handicapped me socially as well as safety wise.

DFLinHove · 14/07/2016 19:56

Essential life skill, but doesn't make you a bad parent. Both mine didn't want to go to swimming lessons but it's as important as reading / writing to me. It may save your life. You might not go into "dangerous water" but find yourself there inadvertently or may fall in. I think finding a good teacher is essential. As is being able to leave (or get someone else to take them) while they're in the pool so they can't act out your and their anxiety. It's one of those difficult moments where your anxiety heightens theirs. The sooner you tackle it the better. Good luck 🙂