Is MIL being unreasonable or am I being over sensitive?

[WinniePooh101]

Short back story - I have a 14 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents live nearby. I've had a few problems with MIL over the past 14 months, she's very possessive of my daughter for instance anytime she looks after her she doesn't answer the phone, doesn't tell us where they are until afterwards because she doesn't think they need to ask permission and we keep repeatedly asking them to stop buying toys for their house, she has so many toys it's beyond ridiculous. We were told within weeks of daughter arriving they would see her every Thursday and insisted on having time 'alone' with her e.g.: going for a walk or out to lunch. There's hell to pay if we ever try to cancel 'their day'. This has now become Tuesdays and Thursdays. They were all set to kit out their spare room as a nursery before my daughter arrived, they bought a cot, pram, were going to put her name on the door until it reached a stage it was freaking me out and DP asked them to calm down and pointed out daughter wouldn't be staying there until she's much older. They have their own clothes for her at their house and I found out by accident they change her clothes into their clothes when she's at their house.

Today, I took her up to see them and discovered they've bought her a baby doll complete with bottle, nappies, blankets, crib etc. Two months ago they said they wanted to buy her a baby doll kit and I asked them not to because we've bought one for her as a present from the new baby when he/she arrives. I wasn't rude or angry, I just politely pointed out we've bought all that as a gift from new baby and reminded her we asked them not to, she denied all knowledge of conversation and went on to tell me that our doll etc will be at our house and theirs is at their house so she can't see what my problem is. Then started showing my daughter how to feed the baby doll!! At that point I said I thought it was best I didn't stay and they'd have a better afternoon if I went home, she replied 'Because you're upset we've bought her dolls?' We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I can;t believe yet again she seems to think she can do whatever she wants with my daughter! I accommodate DP's parents a lot but they seem to think they have a right to do and say what they want even when I've asked them not to. Am I being unreasonable?

Did DP say anything at the pick up OP?

It's so easy to buy into a mad reality when you are surrounded by it. You need to spend lots of time with your own parents and siblings etc, to ensure you know what is normal behaviour.

Get your dh involved in spending time with your family too if you can so he can feel the difference. Remember that it's going to be a lot harder for him to see the problem as he's grown up with this strangeness,mso cut him a little slack but don't buy into it yourself.

Also keep in mind that there's nothing MIL would like more than for you an DH to split because then she'd be able to be 'mother' during all of his 50-50 contact time.
She's likely to do all she can to encourage a split if she senses disunity between you so it's vital that you show a united front.

I hope your dh has collected your dd and he supports you. Don't ignore your instincts, it seems your mil is competing to be loved the most by your dd, that's weird. Good luck.

So, OP - what's the plan?

I hope you get good support from DP tonight.
Not answering the phone is totally unacceptable. My DPs and PILs both lived about an hour and a half away so we never had your problem. Our DS was never left alone with either GPs until he was about 4 and that was with my parents at Xmas due to work. I think we are a bit weird though cos loads of my friends think it's fine to leave their kids with GPs to go away for weekends/nights out etc. Maybe cos we didn't live very close it never crossed our mind to do that.
We went NC with the in laws as MIL showed same creepy tendencies really early on, thought DS would be brought to her house at least once a month for sleepover on his own.....for bonding time!! I did ask if she was serious about us having a 3 hour round trip to drop him off and then repeated a day or two later to pick him up.....she said 'yes, I need to bond with my grandchild and I can't do that with you two here'

Wanted to be at birth (but that's a completely different story

I put my foot down during my pregnancy and my DH agreed with me. And it wasn't down to favouring my own mother more, she wasn't invited to the birth either

Good luck with whatever you do, she sounds a bit controlling and you definitely need to lay down ground rules and insist they are kept. Xx

WiMoChi

Fair enough your post was obviously lighthearted and apologise. I am a nice mil I can assure you.

It just makes me cross that the 'Les Dawson' jokes about mils are mysogynistic and generally unfair.

People are people and there are lovely mils out there and vile ones. Just like any ds,dd,dil, dil, neice etc.

Definitely reduce/stop visits to hers, great excuses mentioned ie bonding before baby comes
you need DH on side to help fight your corner
It's not normal behaviour.

Stay strong op and pull up the drawbridge now.

CantStop

Jesus at the birth!! Wierd.

I have my grandchild (5 months) 2 days a week to support my ds/dil and have had him overnight to help out 3 times. But only at their request and fully support their routines and autonomy as parents.

It can work brilliantly with mutual support and respect.

YANBU theyre grandparents, not parents.... get Dh to have strong words with them. Id actually be quite worried about leaving her with them if they feel this entitled....

Could have written this post myself. It's on-going; 10 bloody years of it. Undermining every attempt I make to provide for my DD.
My DM wasn't even a particularly good Mom to us; she is all about image and control as I expect yours is too.

OP I can't believe this is going on, I'm so sorry, your in laws are scarily crazy. It's so controlling and she is effectively trying to parent your child.

One thing I'm guessing from what you've posted, does your DP not have a sister? Because from what you've said, and especially that she doesn't seem to be interested in your unborn DS, it sounds like your MIL is parenting the daughter she's always wanted...

This was a scary read. MIL appears to be a bit unhinged. Her behaviour is totally out of order. You definitely need to take back control but if there is possibly a way to do this without cutting her off completely I'd recommend finding it. You're about to have another baby, need to work and have years of expensive child care ahead of you. Free childcare with someone who ultimately loves your child is not to be sniffed at. There will be so many occasions where you will need to be in two or three places at once. You need to realise that you have all the power here and she has virtually none. You can absolutely use this to your advantage. You will have to take her manipulative arse, equal it and raise her whatever you are capable of. Coated in sweetness. My DM and MIL were absolutely invaluable when my DC were growing up. Yes they had houses full of toys, spare rooms put aside for them and once my MIL brought my son out wearing a 30 year old lemon yellow cardy that had belonged to his dad, but their hearts were firmly in the right places. They were given car seats so they could take DC out and about. They didn't have mobile phones so I just had to trust them. There were a few disagreements along the way when I had to put my foot down but it's worked out fine. 18 years and a divorce down the line my MIL still looks after the DC watches them play xbox one night a week so I get a break. She even does my ironing! I really hope you can work this out. Your DH needs to have your back. And I hope your health improves and baby is OK. Rest up. Things will pass. Good luck matey x

This could be my MIL. If she is visiting and DS wakes from a nap and cries, she leaps from her chair and races me up the stairs in the hope of getting there first to pick him up. If we go out for a walk she insists on pushing the buggy, to the point where if I try to push it she refuses to let go and clings on for dear life. If the DC try to do anything with me, like play a game or ask me to read to them, she produces a bag of sweets and tries to lure them over to her chair.

I think MILs like this think of the grandchildren as their own children, and it can make them behave insanely. When my MIL says goodbye to the DC she sobs uncontrollably, as if she's being parted from her own kids.

OP did you talk to your OH? Was he understanding & supportive? Really hope everything is ok.

This thread has left me feeling quite unsettled. I do get big hints of this from my MIL, and after reading all your posts I'm going to be listening more to my 'tiger mum' insincts. Thank god she's 7 hours away!

I went through that too. MIL always redressed dd whenever she saw her, carried her own change bag, insisted on always pushing the pram/pushcair, and drowned her in toys. I was just the surrogate who provided her new baby in her eyes. The whole family tiptoe round her - dd being the 1st gc trumping her being my only child (not able to have more).

She actively encouraged our subsequent divorce and guess who gets dd for contact. Xh allows them to have her to stay with them rather than him - he relies on their financial support.

I agree with everything dutch has said. Don't be too hard on yourself.If you come from an emotionally functional family it's easy to slip into this kind of situation and people like your MIL will exploit that to the max. It's hellishly difficult to reel back from it without the complete support of your dh/dp.

I have a gd. If l refused to answer the phone when she was here her dm would not allow her here. She gave me a list of stuff she wanted from day one. Stair gate etc. She was very clear about it. I do keep clothes here but only because we like to paint or get into messy play so nice and clean going home. They are more like over alls. No big toys just lots of art stuff and books. Your Mil is mad. The massive amount of toys would totally drive me bonkers as ye are not able to parent how ye want. Pull back. Pull back. Bit by bit. She is a very strange woman.

What did your DH say OP?

I have a particular hatred for this kind of GP - I always thinks these are the ones at play parks who push other children out of the way of theirs as their GC are sooooooo much more important that any other children.

I have a friend who is a little like this, wanted baby to stay as soon as it was born, put a nursery in her house (not used in first year), spoils GC to ridiculous level, wants them constantly (and DD complies as convenient to her), obsesses about them when they aren't there (which comes across as insane).
However it's back fired as she doesn't parent them at all - and now she has no control over them. She spoils and gives into all demands as she is scared they won't love her as much.

We fell out as she tried to get me to take one GC to a party with me as she couldn't control them (and didn't see why I couldn't) and has actually gotten my DH through to tell them off as they aren't listening to her.

She actively encouraged our subsequent divorce and guess who gets dd for contact. Xh allows them to have her to stay with them rather than him - he relies on their financial support

This makes me feel sick, any one who puts so much pressure on a couple that makes their life un tenable is a disgrace.

They are trying to break up a childs mother and father and its disgusting.

They are trying to break up a child's mother and father and its disgusting.

Yes, makes it pretty clear that their ''love' for the child is about how great the child is for meeting their needs.

Not a new thing either. My GM told me once, in the 1920s her DGM was one of these nuts (obsessed only with her, not interested in her siblings) and when her DM was very ill after a difficult birth, DGM took her to live with her under the guise of 'helping' and then held onto her for months despite many arguments. It wasn't until her DF came back out of the army and went around to DGM's house, forced his way in, picked her up and forced his way out again carrying her that they managed to get her back. She was only six at the time but in her eighties she was still sad at the damage her DGM had managed to do to her relationship with DM in the process of trying to get ownership of her, it never fully recovered.

Hope the chat with DH went well!

OP keep us updated - hope it all went well last night.

?

Rumbling that doesn't surprise me but is deeply saddening. I have heard so many stories of mils ruining relationships between parent and child.