Is MIL being unreasonable or am I being over sensitive?

[WinniePooh101]

Short back story - I have a 14 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents live nearby. I've had a few problems with MIL over the past 14 months, she's very possessive of my daughter for instance anytime she looks after her she doesn't answer the phone, doesn't tell us where they are until afterwards because she doesn't think they need to ask permission and we keep repeatedly asking them to stop buying toys for their house, she has so many toys it's beyond ridiculous. We were told within weeks of daughter arriving they would see her every Thursday and insisted on having time 'alone' with her e.g.: going for a walk or out to lunch. There's hell to pay if we ever try to cancel 'their day'. This has now become Tuesdays and Thursdays. They were all set to kit out their spare room as a nursery before my daughter arrived, they bought a cot, pram, were going to put her name on the door until it reached a stage it was freaking me out and DP asked them to calm down and pointed out daughter wouldn't be staying there until she's much older. They have their own clothes for her at their house and I found out by accident they change her clothes into their clothes when she's at their house.

Today, I took her up to see them and discovered they've bought her a baby doll complete with bottle, nappies, blankets, crib etc. Two months ago they said they wanted to buy her a baby doll kit and I asked them not to because we've bought one for her as a present from the new baby when he/she arrives. I wasn't rude or angry, I just politely pointed out we've bought all that as a gift from new baby and reminded her we asked them not to, she denied all knowledge of conversation and went on to tell me that our doll etc will be at our house and theirs is at their house so she can't see what my problem is. Then started showing my daughter how to feed the baby doll!! At that point I said I thought it was best I didn't stay and they'd have a better afternoon if I went home, she replied 'Because you're upset we've bought her dolls?' We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I can;t believe yet again she seems to think she can do whatever she wants with my daughter! I accommodate DP's parents a lot but they seem to think they have a right to do and say what they want even when I've asked them not to. Am I being unreasonable?

I think it's odd that you don't actually trust them to have her for a whole day and look after etc.

I suspect this is because on some level neither of you trust them at all and your instincts have had you desperately scrabbling to have some sort of control in the situation all along.

The new brother/sister doll thing totally over steps the mark and I'd be fuming if they took that away from me while pregnant.
Tell them by continuing to behave this way they are driving a wedge between you as in laws and damaging your relationship. if they wish to continue a relationship with your children then they need to respect ALL major boundaries set by you and your husband or you will restrict contact or at worst no contact.

All grandparents like to indulge but they are taking all your milestones and it's not right.
What's next Santa at theirs or take her to Santa before you . Tooth fairies They take her to school for the first time. 😡

Your MIL sounds horrible.

This sounds like cynical advice, but don't let her be the victim. Guys often want to support the most vulnerable seeming woman, and therefore the emotionally healthy, self-assured, capable woman loses against the narcissist who isn't afraid to play the victim card. Because she doesn't 'need' the support. She can handle the stress. All the while, the narcissist/victim enjoys having their own way - sometimes until the relationship between the other two deteriorates.

If I were you, I'd be playing up how upset I was at the door being slammed in my face, and how stressed and sick I feel when I call multiple times and always go ignored. Don't let her be the one to play on your husband's sympathies.

Like I said, cynical. Hopefully your husband would be able to see through that sort of game, but not everyone can.

*Dig deep now Winnie as things will get a bit bumpy, tears, anger, manipulation from mil, FIL will get involved, *they will get your dp to feel so shit about the situation that he starts to blame you and make you give in.

This!!!!

This is actually the tough bit.

Madey we had that argument at Christmas! They told us santa would be leaving presents at their house for our DD, I said no way he only leaves presents at our house, cue big upset and lots of "Well in our family santa has always left presents at the grandparents!" There wasn't any presents from santa but she did the next best thing and ignored my request to not get DD a stocking as I said I wanted the sentimental stocking hanging up at our house that again children believe is from santa.

I had a room with special toys at my GPs house but largely because they lived in another country ... they also bought me toys I brought home to the UK. I certainly didn't get any of this nonsense with them pretending to be my parents. Your MIL sounds a fucking loon, quite frankly.

I'm a MIL step MIL nanny, wouldn't dream of undermining the parents. If I want to buy something I check first and they are all honest enough to be able to say no thank you if they don't want or need it.
I've read on here on other threads "my house, my rules" don't agree with that either. If I am looking after my grandchildren I stick to their parents routines, guidelines etc.Why alienate yourself by putting their backs up?

It's useful to have duplicates of stuff at Nannys so they don't have to bring it all with them every time but yours sound completely over the top.
If she were my MIL I would be saying no more having our daughter for the whole day.

If I were you, I'd be playing up how upset I was at the door being slammed in my face, and how stressed and sick I feel when I call multiple times and always go ignored. Don't let her be the one to play on your husband's sympathies

Yep. It's really naff but I had to do this to make Dh see how far I had been pushed.

winnie don't forget that witch slammed a door in your face today. That's massively disrespectful. Who does she think she is?

Get your self respect back!

You've set a precedent that would worry me. Whatever you give in the way of contact can potentially be continued by the courts because grandchildren have the legal right (in some circumstances) to a continuing relationship with their grandparent - which often seems to look like whatever contact they are used to being continued.

So I would cut contact to a couple of hours, supervised, once a week. Otherwise you could well be looking at letters from a lawyer that will see your DD legally theirs twice a week.

dutchcourage great posts but also dreadfully sad.

Op its hard posting on here because as people have said people who are not aware of whats going on, see doting GP's when its a war of attrition.

You need to steel yourself to being painted as the bad guy. I personally dont feel there is any room for these people to suddenly do as you wish with your DD, only a shock, ie total contact withdrawal with follow up NC for a long time, until they capitulate will do.

YOu need to steel yourself to be hated, and probably all the blame to you and none to your DH but at the end of the day, its what dils have to put up with. its our lot.

Its all worth it to have control back.
But I agree with poster saying you need to kick up almighty fuss over today, almighty fuss.

But your not well!!! Its so horrible she has done this and your not well.

In theory that is only for when the parents divorce but quite honestly it is such a new thing that I wouldn't take any chances.

Christ almighty.

I'd send her a text saying that because of themy repeatedly going against your wishes, not answering the phone when they have your DD and the way she behaved today shutting the door in your face, there will be no more visits at their home and they will not be having your DD alone.

Don't be too hard on yourself winnie you're nice, they're batshit plus if you're meant to be on bed rest getting stressed out won't be helping!

You've clearly recognised that this has got away from you. What you have to decide is how much fall out you're willing to accept to get it to stop. Because there will be massive fallout.
If it continues they will try to gain full control of your dd. They will, I have no doubt, be rude when you're not there.
Are you prepared for the screaming, the crying, the begging, the threats, the insults? Are you prepared that they will be rude about you and lying to anyone who'll listen? Are you prepared for them to sway your DP to their side? Would you lose your DP over it?
I would. I would speak my piece and hold very firm. No unsupervised contact until I fully trusted that they would remain in contact and adhere to my rules (which wouldn't be many but if I ask something to be done my way . ..). If my DP didn't have my back I would have this as a relationship ending scenario.
They'd ruin your dd. Massive backbone needed OP. Think worse case scenario and hold firm.
I'm so sorry for you, it should be a wonderful relationship. My late MIL was a bloody star. She'd have done anything for DS but also for me. I miss her every day.
Good luck.

The contact should stop OP, for a month or so and not restarted til she agrees to behave like a Gran and not a Mum.

It wouldn't surprise me if she was encouraging your DD to call her Mummy when you arent there it seems like FIL knows that she wishes it was her baby and has become a bit unwell about it and is enabling.

Ive recently become a granny and though besotted with my new grandchild , would never dream of behaving as your mil does. l keep a few toys at my house but would always check before buying anything special. As for demanding ownership of the baby for 2 days a week, that's plain wierd. Stop this now before she pulls this crap on the new baby as well. Time to take back control of your family.

gonetosee

I think that sort of action is a little way down the road and of course they would have to prove all sorts of things incld being a positive influence on the child and if contact meant the parents might divorce because of it, no judge would rule in their favour.

Its very obv these GP are over stepping boundaries. I think its wrong at this early stage of fight back to frighten the op.

Op, I have had counselling over this exact sort of thing. I have followed and looked up all sorts of things re GP access. I really wouldnt worry about that stage yet.

Just deal with the problem in front of you which is to push back.

It wouldn't surprise me if she was encouraging your DD to call her Mummy when you arent there it seems like FIL knows that she wishes it was her baby and has become a bit unwell about it and is enabling

My dd called Mil mummy when I was there and she never bothered to correct her just beamed a huge smile.

Another saying don't be so annoyed at yourself for leaving her today.

I'd have been exactly the same, the shock of it at the time would just be OMG! It's not until you rethink the situation an hour or so later that you realise that it really was batshit and you'd have been totally normal to then bang on the door and say "eh, WTF do you think you're doing? I'm taking my daughter home".

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Agree that things are about to become very nasty but you need to weather the storm and make sure your DP is on your side.

winnie this has definitely gone too far! Your mil had her chance to raise her family. She is attempting to supplant you in your dd's life. Her behaviour sounds totally over the top. All this 'but in my family' stuff is none sense. your dd is part of your and dh's family and you make the rules. Someone not answering their phone while they had my child would mean they didn't have my child again (I get people miss calls but it sounds as though your mil's hearing is selective).

Restrict contact now, ignore the guilt she is going to try and lay on, for your dd's sake.

The more I read the more horrified I become! I feel so sorry your in this situation OP

I don't think the bus or car seat sound like big deals independently as its nice for them to take your DD off somewhere on a day trip... Note i say independently and without knowing the entire story (not to mention not knowing the plans, would think that's usuall to say we're going off to XYZ) so if others just hear these two point then I can imagine they may see them as being supportive not utterly utterly creepy and very very controlling so maybe you need to explain it in more detail to get the RL support that you are very much going to need.

I hope you get the support you need from your husband as this is going to be very very difficult moving forward she is going to have one very large strop about it, dig your heels in and follow your instincts!

OP this bevahiour sounds downright weird to me. Changing her clothes like she's some kind of doll? Demanding that they get "their day" but won't keep you informed of their whereabouts? It sounds like they may be a little unwell, though you talk mostly about your MIL so perhaps it's just her, and you've got an 'anything for a quiet life' type FIL. I have similar uneasy feelings about my MIL and my 1 yo DS. Thankfully we live 7 hrs away, so we don't see them often, but she is very posessive of him. She is also weirdly disinterested in our next DS (I'm 5 months pregnant). She refers to DS as "ours" (as in, belonging to her family) alot, and has called him "my number one" in front of her other grandchildren. And she constantly talks as though I keep him from her, despite the obvious fact if us living so far apart. She has assumed that DS will be spending holidays with them in the near future (he's only 1!) despite the fact that I'm a sahm so it's not like I need childcare. Thankfully my OH and I are already agreed that this is absolutely not going to happen.
If I was you I would be cutting back contact, making sure that contact is supervised, or maybe even insisting it happens on your territory and not theirs. I imagine it would make your life a hell of a lot easier if your DP was supportive and backed you up on everything, otherwise you'll end up being the bad guy. Do you think he understands just how this behaviour is affecting you?

Completely empathise. My ex MIL told me when I was pregnant "I'm going to be like another mummy to the baby". We've recently gone no contact completely following disrespectful behaviour towards me, including undermining my parenting, talking to me like dirt and being a general twat.

You are not wrong. Wishing you all the best in sorting this. Cheeky mare. FIL and DP would be barmy to take her side.

As an aside, my family do the first one to see the first tooth, buys the first pair of shoes.... My Mum saw my dd's first tooth and gave me the money for the shoes so we could pick them ourselves - she didn't want to take the experience from us...