Is MIL being unreasonable or am I being over sensitive?

[WinniePooh101]

Short back story - I have a 14 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents live nearby. I've had a few problems with MIL over the past 14 months, she's very possessive of my daughter for instance anytime she looks after her she doesn't answer the phone, doesn't tell us where they are until afterwards because she doesn't think they need to ask permission and we keep repeatedly asking them to stop buying toys for their house, she has so many toys it's beyond ridiculous. We were told within weeks of daughter arriving they would see her every Thursday and insisted on having time 'alone' with her e.g.: going for a walk or out to lunch. There's hell to pay if we ever try to cancel 'their day'. This has now become Tuesdays and Thursdays. They were all set to kit out their spare room as a nursery before my daughter arrived, they bought a cot, pram, were going to put her name on the door until it reached a stage it was freaking me out and DP asked them to calm down and pointed out daughter wouldn't be staying there until she's much older. They have their own clothes for her at their house and I found out by accident they change her clothes into their clothes when she's at their house.

Today, I took her up to see them and discovered they've bought her a baby doll complete with bottle, nappies, blankets, crib etc. Two months ago they said they wanted to buy her a baby doll kit and I asked them not to because we've bought one for her as a present from the new baby when he/she arrives. I wasn't rude or angry, I just politely pointed out we've bought all that as a gift from new baby and reminded her we asked them not to, she denied all knowledge of conversation and went on to tell me that our doll etc will be at our house and theirs is at their house so she can't see what my problem is. Then started showing my daughter how to feed the baby doll!! At that point I said I thought it was best I didn't stay and they'd have a better afternoon if I went home, she replied 'Because you're upset we've bought her dolls?' We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I can;t believe yet again she seems to think she can do whatever she wants with my daughter! I accommodate DP's parents a lot but they seem to think they have a right to do and say what they want even when I've asked them not to. Am I being unreasonable?

Agree with others, no more visits, they need to learn. Hope your DH is on side tonight, show him this thread if not. I love playing with my nieces/God children etc and baby sitting, but would never pretend they were mine and if I'm at their house even ask the parents if it's OK to go out in their garden with them/do paint in etc before I do anything.wouldnt dream of taking them out for the day and not answering phone, if I did that I would assume police would be called thinking we had been in an accident!

mint I agree and was hesitant to frighten the OP also. However, my PIL were similar in some ways to the OPs and such people do tend to threaten 'grandparents rights' the first time they are crossed in any case. When I looked into it, I realised that the time to think about what access grandparents should have is at the beginning as you can always give more later on. As things stand, the long periods of access could work to their advantage in court and they will know it so the OP should know it.

The op needs to worry about a united front right now with her DH and he needs to go at them hammer and tong " how DARE YOU, i am DISGUSTED, SHE IS NOT WELL, YOU SLAMMED A DOOR ON HER, SHE IS DEVASTATED NO MORE I AM DISGUSTED"

Before worrying about anything else. As I said its not black and white with regards to rights.

I think you are more than due a "prego rage" moment. I had them when I had ds, it was like the filter came off, saw red and finally let loose on what I really felt. It was amazing. You say she's not interested in the new baby just yet. Will she start to amp up the crazy when baby is here? I would let rip on the next crazy thing she does and let the chips fall where they may.

I would start meeting friends for coffee/lunch, going to soft play with friends/seeing your family at random days in the week.

I would then send a breezy text saying, 'sorry-so busy this week can't come over, DH will bring DD around at the weekend' or something. Then don't answer the phone when they ring-just like they do!

If you do have to engage in conversation with them about it-if they do a 'but we ALWAYS have her on a Tuesday!!' Then I would have a really incredulous reply. 'I'm sorry-but I have made plans with MY daughter!! I won't be dropping her here every Tuesday and Thursday until she's 18 you know!!'

You ultimately have the upper hand-use it.

You have to stop this 'tradition' of them seeing her on set days-it's becoming routine and yes, as others have said-if things get tricky, is setting a dangerous precedent.

Take back control. If you don't take her round there-what would they do?

Some of the stuff she's doing could be fine if it wS consensual. My parents live down the road and dc have their own bedrooms, toys and clothes there. Clothes move back and fore between my house and theirs. My parents take the DC out on their days with them (regular ones as childcare) and often don't tell me where they've been until pick up. Difference is I trust them, they supportive rather than undermine my parenting and values.

I would pay for nursery rather than put up with this shit.

I had the same problem with my MIL trying to take over. Eventually I pulled rank and she only saw my DC when I said so.

My DH was a bit of a sap, about it (daren't say no to precious Mummy... ). It was horrible but I wasn't being dictated to by her.

I never invited her to the Nativities/ school plays etc either.

I kept her very much at arms length (still do ) which was no mean feat considering we live in the same road

😱😱😱 I'm absolutely horrified, it's almost sinister as if they're dominating your dd and moulding her to some bizarre fantasy.
I'm a GM and MIL and I wouldn't dream of behaving anything like this although I will admit to probably buying too many toys 😊
If your DH won't stand up to them then you'll have to, invent friends coming for coffee (or rather that you're meeting them somewhere so there's no danger of them turning up), starting at toddler group etc.

Good luck!

Why are you compromising your happiness and sanity to protect your MILs?

MILs blow my mind. The World Health Organisation need to look into this pandemic that is sweeping the globe. MILs are developing mental illness and insanity when their sons marry or have children. It's serious and is having a detrimental effect of future generations. Lock them all up in sol con

Oh wow. How did it go with your DH picking her up?

Sounds like a complete nightmare!

My mum does a lot of this stuff (lots of duplicate toys at her house; buying shoes etc). The difference is that she would always ASK and respect my wishes if I didn't like something.

The thing about not picking up the phone when they have your DD would really upset and worry me.

It's not that the individual things are really terrible, but taken all together they sound very undermining and quite frightening. Hard to fight back against this kind of thing. I'd try to say as little as possible (otherwise you're being unreasonable) but instead just reduce contact without saying anything outright. That way, if they complain, they are being the unreasonable ones.

Steady on WiMoChi. Not every mil is batshit crazy. I myself am lovely.

MILs blow my mind. The World Health Organisation need to look into this pandemic that is sweeping the globe. MILs are developing mental illness and insanity when their sons marry or have children. It's serious and is having a detrimental effect of future generations. Lock them all up in sol con

hillarious.

Do they come to your house at all, or is it always at theirs, on their terms?

I think PlaceNices advice is sadly spot on.

Though it's absolutely not right, I think you need to be careful not to be seen as the raging aggressor in this situation, as your DH doesn't sound like he's really accepted how shockingly bad his mothers behavior is. And he's had a lifetime of training to sympathise and indulge his mother. A lot of 'giving in for a quiet life' etc.

He needs to pick a side, and get involved rather than standing on the sidelines letting her take your child away from you!

Obviously you need to stop contact and if you ever do feel ready to let them back into your children's lives then it would be under very different circumstances.

By the way, don't feel bad for not reacting sooner, there's no guidebook to dealing with such terrible and manipulative behavior! And there's no time line.

You react when you react. You change when you decide to change. It's ok.

I also wonder if people saying 'Why did you leave dd there?!' realize the extent of the power dynamic going on here? The OP had had the door shut on her. Her dd was inside. How exactly does the OP get to her daughter to take her home? It relies on the Mil giving the power and control back by recognizing the OPs reality, emotions and right as a mother and just, another human being... Not likely surely?

Hammering on the door etc would only escalate the situation and allow the Mil to show her 'poor me, crazy dil' side to other people, and score big by the victory.

Change things on your terms and your turf, and when you have the power. Get your dd back and with you for starters.

Good luck OP. Next step is getting your DH to stand with you on this. With you, not behind you!

I really feel for you, OP. My MIL did exactly this with my SIL's eldest DD, and did end up getting custody of DN. She was a terrible, abusive and neglectful parent to DH and SIL, and clearly saw her chance to "re-do" parenting with her eldest GC.

DH and I feared she would pull this kind of stuff on our dc while I was pregnant with our first; she has form for total ignoring of boundaries, being rude, inappropriate and overbearing. She sadly encourages DN to behave exactly the same way.

While I was pregnant, MIL and DN visited and I was told how great DN is with children and babies, it was assumed DN (11, with SEN) would be sleeping in the baby's room and babysitting when she visited, DN would advise on prams, how to look after the baby etc. When I caught DN going through and rearranging all the stuff we'd bought for the baby for the third time (having been politely told not to go through drawers and cupboards twice on that visit and several times previously), DH and I were seriously concerned.

We left it a few weeks to think it over and in the end tried to set boundaries with MIL and DN. She went up the wall and down the other side. We are now NC and she's never met her GC. Although it was tough at the time (dc was a newborn when MIL kicked off), I'm eternally grateful we did it.

Hopefully your DH will support and you can get this sorted before your baby arrives. Don't beat yourself up over not standing up to them sooner. The batshit takes a while to spot, as its so far removed from most people's normal. I had previous experience of this through other family members, and I took a few years to really wake up to it.

I suppose I'm a minority here, but I don't think it sounds so bad. A bit annoying sure, but the fact that your MIL keeps clothes and toys needn't really affect you. MIL loves her and dotes on her, and sounds like a very safe baby sitter. So a great opportunity for you and your DH to get time alone to do fun things or sleep. And especially offer the new baby arrives. My MIL is exactly like this btw, and rather than fret about it I have made it work in my favour with great child minding and lots of people to love DS. I may not get along particularly well with MIL, but it's a very valuable relationship for DS and he loves her very much.

I'm sorry it's annoying for you though!

" **My MIL is exactly like this btw, and rather than fret about it I have made it work in my favour with great child minding and lots of people to love DS. I may not get along particularly well with MIL, but it's a very valuable relationship for DS and he loves her very much. "

Not aimed at you at all but using as an example as I see this a lot in defence of MILs. But would it not be preferable to teach kids healthy love developed through security, respect etc rather than love developed through toys, sweets and puddings, for example? Which would be stronger and longer lasting?

How did the pick up go with your DP?

I feel I should just even things up by explaining that my experiences being squeezed out was with my mother, my actual mother not mother in law!

Ugh.

This is appalling. You and dh have to stop it now. Can you find child care for her on Tuesdays and Thursdays? I think it's important that they do not look after her for a prolonged period, and then you start again with much stronger boundaries.

fraggle so you don't mind your mil slamming the door in your face with your child on the others use then?

suppose I'm a minority here, but I don't think it sounds so bad. A bit annoying sure, but the fact that your MIL keeps clothes and toys needn't really affect you. MIL loves her and dotes on her, and sounds like a very safe baby sitter.

I love and dote on my DGC. I have toys at my house (second hand, ones they're bored with at home, ones I kept from when my DC were small).
I have a cot for sleeping in when they visit. I have plates and cups. Oh and a few bath toys.

That's it. It is not a second nursery/bedroom/home. It's my house with a few bits for when they come (and I have them regularly).

The OP's situation is very unnatural and she does need to stop it in its tracks.

I can see them going NC in the not-so-distant future...

I have no doubt my MIL and SIL would have been like this if I had given in. DH knew if I didn't have his support I would have left him. MIL and GMIL had gone for this and brought up MIL's niece until she died aged six of a sudden illness.

WiMo

Assuming your post is supposed to be funny if not it's very stupid and insults the many normal loving mils and grans on here.

And yes I have sons with dils as well as dds and treat them like my own.

Respect, boundaries, support and love go a long way.

I had a text today off my dil thanking he for all I do. Made me blub.

Not all mils are like this horrible woman.