Is MIL being unreasonable or am I being over sensitive?

[WinniePooh101]

Short back story - I have a 14 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents live nearby. I've had a few problems with MIL over the past 14 months, she's very possessive of my daughter for instance anytime she looks after her she doesn't answer the phone, doesn't tell us where they are until afterwards because she doesn't think they need to ask permission and we keep repeatedly asking them to stop buying toys for their house, she has so many toys it's beyond ridiculous. We were told within weeks of daughter arriving they would see her every Thursday and insisted on having time 'alone' with her e.g.: going for a walk or out to lunch. There's hell to pay if we ever try to cancel 'their day'. This has now become Tuesdays and Thursdays. They were all set to kit out their spare room as a nursery before my daughter arrived, they bought a cot, pram, were going to put her name on the door until it reached a stage it was freaking me out and DP asked them to calm down and pointed out daughter wouldn't be staying there until she's much older. They have their own clothes for her at their house and I found out by accident they change her clothes into their clothes when she's at their house.

Today, I took her up to see them and discovered they've bought her a baby doll complete with bottle, nappies, blankets, crib etc. Two months ago they said they wanted to buy her a baby doll kit and I asked them not to because we've bought one for her as a present from the new baby when he/she arrives. I wasn't rude or angry, I just politely pointed out we've bought all that as a gift from new baby and reminded her we asked them not to, she denied all knowledge of conversation and went on to tell me that our doll etc will be at our house and theirs is at their house so she can't see what my problem is. Then started showing my daughter how to feed the baby doll!! At that point I said I thought it was best I didn't stay and they'd have a better afternoon if I went home, she replied 'Because you're upset we've bought her dolls?' We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I can;t believe yet again she seems to think she can do whatever she wants with my daughter! I accommodate DP's parents a lot but they seem to think they have a right to do and say what they want even when I've asked them not to. Am I being unreasonable?

Still They haven't shown any interest in the new baby, they rarely ask how things are going. I had a text message from MIL this morn asking what time we would be at her house, I told her I've been signed off work for the week as GP still has concerns over my heart rate and she replied "Sorry to hear about that what time are you bringing DD up" That was it.

36 I don't allow them to use different clothes, I didn't even know it was happening, MIL showed me a photo one day and I noticed DD had clothes on I didn't recognise and that was how I found out!

Don't berate yourself for not leaving with her. It's very difficult in the situation you've found yourself in

This with bells on ^^

It's because you have been conditioned - by your PIL and your dp that this is utterly normal. Don't forget this is all he will know so he will think it's normal shit.

It's extremely hard to stand up to them, when I confronted mil I was literatly shaking but once I started I was ok. I'm not adverse either to having an argument either with folk but this tiny women really was able to dominate people.

Get your big girl knickers on op, is your dd still there? I'd be tempted to send your dp to get her then you can sort this out from your own home. The fact she slammed the door on her is enough for you to fall out with her and give you some breathing space.

I asked my mil to apologise for her behavour knowing full well hell would freeze over before she would. Two years later she still hasn't

You still don't sound as if you are going to actually take any action. Is your DD still with them?

You must not see his parents any longer; they are utterly dysfunctional and his mother wants to play at being a mum again, this time with your daughter. They will go all out to buy her affections; they have more time and disposable income which they can and will use to buy her and get back at you both as parents. What has happened with Dutchcourage's relations could too easily happen to your own family unit now.

I would concur with this comment from Dutchcourage:-
"The end game is for the DC to 'love' them more. I know that sounds ridiculous but it happens"

This is also about power and control; she in particular wants absolute over your family. Your MIL is likely to be a narcissist (its basically all about her and what she wants, her H goes along with it for both self preservation and a quiet life) and what Dutchcourage has described is not atypical of the emotional damage narcissistic people can do to families with children.

Re this comment:-

"I don't believe they would harm her but I don't trust MIL and only last week I said to my parents I reckon if MIL had the slightest opportunity she would try and get custody"

If there is no trust there is no relationship. Do not subject your daughter to your MIL any longer; you could well lose your child to her. Your MIL will emotionally harm your child and is already actively doing so. Grandparents have no automatic rights of access to see their grandchildren in the UK so your worry in your second sentence is unfounded.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy family where this type of dysfunction is thankfully unknown but I urge you to pay urgent attention to what is happening here. I would also suggest you now read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this could also help you.

Your H's inertia when it comes to his parents is simply hurting him as well as you.

I grew up in a family where it was normal for us to have clothes and toys at our grandparents house that were not clothes and toys that we ever brought home, it's possible your MIL also had this as part of her upbringing and where I'm from the person who finds the baby's first tooth buys the first pair of shoes.

However, it does seem that your MIL isn't doing any of that to simply stick with tradition or for your convenience, or the child's.

I haven't read the whole thread but grandparents days need to be stopped as it does come across as a possessive streak.

I.get the feeling that your MIL didn't have any girls and this could be why DD is lavished with clothes and toys, but that's not excusing the behaviour. Nothing could excuse the behaviour.

Well on Thursday simply say you are keeping her home with you. You need to assert yourself and DH needs to step up.

Such dysfunctional grandparents like your Winnie often over value or under value the relationship with their grandchildren. Infact it is painful to watch a narcissist interact with their grandchild purely because there is no interaction. Your MIL simply wants to become your child's mother and that must not ever happen. She wants to steal her away from you, her birth mother.

Not at all surprised really to see that this woman has not expressed any real interest in your as yet unborn child. You will need to keep that child away from her as well.

JUdy Chipp DP is on his way to pick her up.

Dutch you've just explained beautifully what I've said to DP and my parents, it feels like we're in competition to be the most loved by my DD and it's made so much harder because just as you've said all the extended family think its lovely they're such doing grandparents. Over time DP has spoken to them about not answering their phone they always say they didn't hear it, which i don't believe. One day when they were looking after her they took her on a bus without telling us, we thought they were at their house, DP told them we want to know where she is at all times, they've taken no notice and done it again. They spent the last year asking for a car seat which we've refused to allow because we don;t trust them not to take her out miles away and not tell us. Even my SIL has pulled them up because I've told them she's not to eat cake or crap because she suffers really badly with constipation and then I discovered if they go out for lunch and they give her cake!

My god the more I''m writing the more I'm thinking what the hell?? There's been whole catalogue of alarm bells but although I've heard them ringing I've tried to excuse them.

Nip it in the bud now.

Just say or get dh to say " we are not happy with the way things have panned out with our dd, so stopping the two weekly visits until further notice,"

you have to admit you have allowed this situation to get way out of hand, to the point she slams a door on you with YOUR baby in her arms?

Its out of total control and you need to get respect and control back. But she isn't going to give this to you - you have to demand it! And you need to do it NOW before your DD is old enough to become indocrintated by her.
You need to weigh up - causing a fuss/ getting control back whats worth more to you.

You need to say your not happy with any aspect of whats gone on, from everything in your post, the baby doll, not letting you know where they are....

You and your DH have allowed this woman total domination over you.
Its your choice as to what you do next, learn to live with it, or take action.

Best of luck with this. Your husband's agreement and support are absolutely vital and you must find the courage to stand up to your frankly bonkers MIL.
She really has overstepped the mark, hasn't she? Your DP has to fire the first shot across the bows as it were, though she may well blame you anyway. This is just one of the many reasons why I chose not to have children - I felt that my overbearing MIL would interfere too much in their lives. They are your children, after all.

Also, if this isn't stopped now, it will only get worse. Think on to birthday party's for your DD - will MIL be arranging them, completely taking over or having "theirs and yours" party's.

Family holidays - will MIL throw a strop if she wants to take DD on holiday, perhaps even abroad.

School nativity's, awards ceremonies, extra curricular activities... it goes on and on.

Of course, it is natural for GPs to want to participate in GC lives (we do an lot with ours), but this what you're describing does not seem normal.

There's been whole catalogue of alarm bells but although I've heard them ringing I've tried to excuse them.

I don't blame you for doing that because you are a decent and kind person and want to think well of everyone. Unfortunately as you have too clearly seen not all grandparents are nice and his parents certainly are not.

Which brings me to Mr WinniePooh. He has been brought up by these people and has seen their behaviours as "normal". He is very much in a FOG state (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to them, particularly his mother.

You have the week off. Perfect excuse to have Thursday at home with you.

What are you going to do op have you picked dd up yet?

They are batshit.

Please don't beat yourself up about not taking action earlier though - this is emotional abuse, which is really hard to deal with. You are also 7 months pregnant and not having an easy pregnancy. Put your foot down now, and don't let them spend time alone with DD from now on, but don't waste your precious energy worrying about what cannot be changed.

Atilla I've also highlighted the fact they have more disposable income than we do. Christmas time was obscene and another upset. We bought DD 6 presents, she was 8 months old she didn't need anymore. My parents accepted our wishes and didn't go over the top. We went to in-laws Christmas day morn and to my parents in the afternoon. When we got to the inlays in the morn I discovered all the presents for DD from DP's side of the family hadn't been given to us, MIL had kept them all at her house. She then sat on the floor and starting opening all the presents with DD without me or DP.

I'm literally now going Oh my god at the catalogue of things.

BTW mine also conveniently "forgets" anything she wants and lies.

Dutch DP is on way to collect daughter.

DD is not going to them this Thursday because I'm home and I'm also going to ask for next Tuesday to be my WFH day, I WFH 1 day a week.

I can;t remember who said this now but I think I must come from an emotionally functional family because this kind of behaviour is all new to me. My family are very supportive of each other, we help each each other but we don't undermine each other.

Huge thanks again everyone x

It's so reassuring to know my instincts are right.

I'm going to have a long chat with DP about everything this eve, this can't carry on.

I would totally restrict access in the short term. My pil did try a few tricks in the early days I found suddenly being out or turning up very late if they tried turning up unannounced did the trick but they are nowhere hear as bad as your pil!!!

I've unfortunately been there, done that and got the tshirt.

DS was CMP intolerant, so MIL kindly feeds him yogurt and ice cream without telling us.
We buy one small Christmas present, PILs then spend £300 and fill a sack full of gifts. Then to add to the joy Mil inserts milk chocolate in between the layers of the wrapping paper.

I'm quite happy minding my own business pushing the pram, Mil has to hold DS's hand at the same time and ends up pulling the poor kids arm why didn't she just ask to push the pram, it's not like I give a fuck

Clothes are bought and left out for them to wear at Pils, if the DC'd aren't changed into them within half an hour they are taken away and never seen again.
Gifts are taken off the Dc's at the end of any visit as they have to stay at PILs.

DH was very slow to deal with the situation, so I did.
The general result of this is that the DC's only see them once a year. Their loss.

DP told them we want to know where she is at all times, they've taken no notice and done it again. They spent the last year asking for a car seat which we've refused to allow because we don;t trust them not to take her out miles away and not tell us.

Your in laws sound crackers, but look at what you've written. It's just bonkers.

I can feel my heart rate rising with each of your updates. I just wanted to wish you luck, as I think you have a long and difficult road ahead of you in attempting to put in place appropriate boundaries.

Put on your big girl pants; you're going to need them. You need to do it though, for your daughter's sake.

Does your daughter go to a nursery? If so I think you need to increase her hours and talk to the nursery about who is and isn't allowed to pick her up. Start being firm now and prepare for battle!

winnie trust those instincts, they are your mamma bear instincts kicking in.

Dig deep now Winnie as things will get a bit bumpy, tears, anger, manipulation from mil, FIL will get involved, they will get your dp to feel so shit about the situation that he starts to blame you and make you give in.

This is actually the tough bit.