Is MIL being unreasonable or am I being over sensitive?

[WinniePooh101]

Short back story - I have a 14 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents live nearby. I've had a few problems with MIL over the past 14 months, she's very possessive of my daughter for instance anytime she looks after her she doesn't answer the phone, doesn't tell us where they are until afterwards because she doesn't think they need to ask permission and we keep repeatedly asking them to stop buying toys for their house, she has so many toys it's beyond ridiculous. We were told within weeks of daughter arriving they would see her every Thursday and insisted on having time 'alone' with her e.g.: going for a walk or out to lunch. There's hell to pay if we ever try to cancel 'their day'. This has now become Tuesdays and Thursdays. They were all set to kit out their spare room as a nursery before my daughter arrived, they bought a cot, pram, were going to put her name on the door until it reached a stage it was freaking me out and DP asked them to calm down and pointed out daughter wouldn't be staying there until she's much older. They have their own clothes for her at their house and I found out by accident they change her clothes into their clothes when she's at their house.

Today, I took her up to see them and discovered they've bought her a baby doll complete with bottle, nappies, blankets, crib etc. Two months ago they said they wanted to buy her a baby doll kit and I asked them not to because we've bought one for her as a present from the new baby when he/she arrives. I wasn't rude or angry, I just politely pointed out we've bought all that as a gift from new baby and reminded her we asked them not to, she denied all knowledge of conversation and went on to tell me that our doll etc will be at our house and theirs is at their house so she can't see what my problem is. Then started showing my daughter how to feed the baby doll!! At that point I said I thought it was best I didn't stay and they'd have a better afternoon if I went home, she replied 'Because you're upset we've bought her dolls?' We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I can;t believe yet again she seems to think she can do whatever she wants with my daughter! I accommodate DP's parents a lot but they seem to think they have a right to do and say what they want even when I've asked them not to. Am I being unreasonable?

She is playing tug of war with your child.
She is undermining you as a parent and your wishes.
Not answering the phone on purpose when she has your DD? Not on.

This will only get worse. What does your DH think?

I'd stop all visits right now quite frankly. Dress it up as family time before the new baby arrives or whatever, but stop. You need to loosen the control that she has over your family.

To me, it seems like she always wanted a girl/another child and is trying to use yours as her second go. OR she could just be really loving and has forgotten the boundary lines. It is impossible for us to say. Only you and your DH know her.

All this does is give you your tactic to go to her with - rather than excuse the behaviour.

Time to take back control op....

I know, I should've just knocked on the door and taken my daughter home with me, I think I was so shocked I was lost for words. As soon as I got home I thought for gods sake she's your daughter you've just allowed MIL to control the situation again.

You need to stop this craziness NOW!
I'd be fuming at the changing of clothes when she's there, let alone not answering the phone and shutting the door on you!
I'd hazard a guess that a lock of your DDs hair will be going awol sometime soon.

Cross posted. They are absolutely using your daughter to have another go at parenting.

Has your DP got your back?

So go and get her! Tell your in-laws that they learn to show some respect that they won't have her again.

themoo my sister experienced something similar with her daughter and MIL, only difference being daughter was 10 and had really blonde hair almost down to her bum, one day MIL was looking after her and decided it was 'too long and scruffy', took her to the hairdressers without my sisters consent had it cut in to a really short bob! Sister has never forgiven her for it.

Allchange You've said what I feel, its as if in-laws are trying to relive their parenting days. My parents are fuming and want to confront her as their grandparenting style is they're always there when needed but never interfere,

Rainbow I suspect you're right! I wouldn't be at all surprised if they cut a lock of her hair and don;t tell me.

*until they

YADNBU.
It sounds as if you have tried to be fair but this is not getting better.

Totally agree with PP - get support from your husband, then tell them you have plans for next week (both days) at new classes (you don't need to explain where etc as they sound like they would turn up!) and will let them know when you can make other arrangements. If they want to kick off then let them.

If, after a week or two away from them, you decide to let them spend more time with DD then maybe make it on an ad hoc basis, not regular, and also ensure you stay with her. No more time alone.

Changing clothes and wanting to be first with everything is weird but not answering the phone is outrageous.

Don't beat yourself up about the past months, just make some new plans and enjoy the summer with a new 'regime'. Good luck.

Get your partner to speak to them, they're behaviour is bloody weird.

Speaking as a fairly new GM, 2 DGC with similar age gap to yours OP, I think you MIL needs pulling up on this now. This is your DD you're talking about, not hers and what you say goes. She can't demand visiting rights,

You do realise that if you don't make your feelings very clear, as well as all the other annoying things she's doing, you're going to find she's taken your DD to the hairdressers for her first haircut, and I suspect you would find that very upsetting.

I would stop the twice weekly visits for a start and when you drop her off for any visits I wouldn't just drop her and leave either. Hang about for a bit and see how MIL is with your DD and start making you're feelings known about anything you're not happy with..

Where is your DP in all this? He needs to back you up. His mother is massively overstepping the mark and you both need to make it clear it has to stop.

Their

And not answering the phone would be the last straw for me. That's just not acceptable.

Thank you everyone x I do feel so angry with myself because I do feel I've allowed things to run and I should've stopped it sooner. But all of you are right, enough is enough and things will only continue to get worse. DP and I have always had an agreement that if anything needs to be said or dealt with then we will deal with each side of our family, as I feel it's easier when it's your own family so to speak. But I know can't let today slide. Thanks again everyone I really appreciate you taking the time to respond x

That is creepy AF.

You need to stop all contact without you or your DP there. You've given an inch, they've taken a mile & are still running.

You do need to be firm about what is acceptable, however, I wouldn't stop them seeing her unless they refuse to agree to your terms WHEN you have explained them properly and firmly.
Your MiL is being far too possessive and controlling but you really should have started as you meant to go on. Your DP should be sorting this out.
The only way to deal with a thick skinned person who thinks they don't have to listen to you is to be very blunt.

Thanks pigs and has it's got to get a grandparents perspective on it. My parents have 3 other grandchildren and have never behaved like this. They're fuming at the moment, tbh they have been for months, and I'm just about managing to stop them from ringing her today. My parents are insisting that DP deals with the situation. DP does support me but I think he cuts his parents a lot of slack because they're his parents and often tells me they're just being over enthusiastic because they're first time grandparents.

What does your husband say about all this?

I really cannot understand why you walked away leaving your daughter with MiL. However, you can at least use that as your reason for saying her behaviour has crossed a line, the twice weekly visits are stopping now, and your DD will never be going there again for long periods of time and particularly won't be going other than with you or your DP.

If someone didn't tell me that they were taking my child out, where they were taking them and didn't keep in touch/have their phone on then they wouldn't be seeing my child alone.

I don't know how you put up with everything, I would have put my foot down when it first started (although i know it's hard so I am not slating you, I am just bloody shocked at them).

You know they are behaving in a totally domineering manner... so your DH needs to have a word, or a couple of hundred:

Mum, Dad, you seem to have forgotten whose child X is. Frankly your urge to rewrite your parenting history is ruining my own experience. I find your insistence on being the first, the best, the most important people in my DCs life is undermining me and having to cope with your behaviour is spoiling my joy in being a dad. You will cease doing as I am stopping you from having free access to my child, as of now! You will see her as other GPs see their GCs, only in the company of her parents. If you don't like this, tough! As her dad I am making that decision.

And then all you say is No! That is not possible to anything and everything they ask for.

They have absolutely no right to demand or insist on anything. Buckle up and make your stand. Good luck.

Put a stop to it or it will get worse. Everything is better when sorted sooner rather than later. Bindweed, overbearing relatives and infected toenails to name but a few.

I walked away because I was so taken aback I literally didn't know what to do. I can't believe I walked away now! I was trying to avoid getting upset in their house because I've been signed off work with week with a suspected blood clot and fast heartbeat so I've been told to rest (i'm 7 months pregnant).

Op, you are not being u and the door being shut like that is horrible
Your mil doesn't have any control over this situation, even if it seems as though she does. You and your dh are the parents and whether or not your dd spends Tuesdays and Thursdays with your pils (who you cant even phone) isn't up to them, its upto you and your dh. You said that your mil decided she'd have dd Thursdays from the get go, but it was never her decision to make and it seems to be really upsetting you because of everything thats snowballed from that. If it was me I'd want to keep the peace, I wouldn't want it to all kick off with my pils, but I'd have to reign everything in (as tactically as poss). I wouldnt want to keep dd away from them, but just redress the power balance. As a first time nanny mil is probably still excited, she wants to buy gifts and spend time with your dd, which is lovely, but it does sound as though your feelings aren't being respected. If it was me I might say that dd isnt going to be able to come round on Tues and Thurs for now as you two are going to be having some one on one time before baby arrives, but perhaps invite them over for a cuppa on your turf to show that you arent banning them from seeing your dd. Then when they want to make arrangements for returning back to the Tues Thurs routine, if you arent happy to do it make it clear that you dont want to commit to a routine anymore, could dd not have more ad hoc visits as and when mutually agreed? Ie they ring and say "we thought we'd ask to take dd to feed the ducks." And then you say yes thats lovely or sorry but we're at a friends all day.

My dc end up doing all sorts of things with my parents and pils and my eldest ds has his own room at both gps as both sets live far away and he stays in holidays sometimes. But thats because dh and I are ok with that, not because its forced upon us. I love that they all have that relationship as I didnt have gps, but dh and I are the parents and if we've said no to something then it's a no, even my df who refers to me as "child" never by name, respects that Im the mum.

Oh! Well, if he doesn't see it as a big issue, then you tell them instead. Sod them, basically. Your DH will have to get used to the idea that his mother does not get to ruin your motherhood... she can be a granny like every other granny. She isn't a special case and she is being rude!