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Original poster

Is MIL being unreasonable or am I being over sensitive?

224 replies

WinniePooh101 · 12/07/2016 15:06

Short back story - I have a 14 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents live nearby. I've had a few problems with MIL over the past 14 months, she's very possessive of my daughter for instance anytime she looks after her she doesn't answer the phone, doesn't tell us where they are until afterwards because she doesn't think they need to ask permission and we keep repeatedly asking them to stop buying toys for their house, she has so many toys it's beyond ridiculous. We were told within weeks of daughter arriving they would see her every Thursday and insisted on having time 'alone' with her e.g.: going for a walk or out to lunch. There's hell to pay if we ever try to cancel 'their day'. This has now become Tuesdays and Thursdays. They were all set to kit out their spare room as a nursery before my daughter arrived, they bought a cot, pram, were going to put her name on the door until it reached a stage it was freaking me out and DP asked them to calm down and pointed out daughter wouldn't be staying there until she's much older. They have their own clothes for her at their house and I found out by accident they change her clothes into their clothes when she's at their house.

Today, I took her up to see them and discovered they've bought her a baby doll complete with bottle, nappies, blankets, crib etc. Two months ago they said they wanted to buy her a baby doll kit and I asked them not to because we've bought one for her as a present from the new baby when he/she arrives. I wasn't rude or angry, I just politely pointed out we've bought all that as a gift from new baby and reminded her we asked them not to, she denied all knowledge of conversation and went on to tell me that our doll etc will be at our house and theirs is at their house so she can't see what my problem is. Then started showing my daughter how to feed the baby doll!! At that point I said I thought it was best I didn't stay and they'd have a better afternoon if I went home, she replied 'Because you're upset we've bought her dolls?' We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I can;t believe yet again she seems to think she can do whatever she wants with my daughter! I accommodate DP's parents a lot but they seem to think they have a right to do and say what they want even when I've asked them not to. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
WinniePooh101 · 12/07/2016 16:04

Ourblanche love the way you've worded that!

Glue thank you for making me laugh! :)

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 12/07/2016 16:05

My Mil closed the door on Dh when he took Ds to see them, that was the last time he ever saw them. Dh cut them off completely. They tried pulling this kind of crap.

diddl · 12/07/2016 16:08

"We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! "

It shows how much they have ground you down that you didn't just leave with your daughter.

Don't take her there-why would you?

Original poster
WinniePooh101 · 12/07/2016 16:09

trash you sound like you have the kind of arrangement that I would be more than happy with. I grew up regularly seeing both sets of grandparents and have fond memories of both so I want the same for my children but as everyone has said I have allowed them to cross the line too many times and now the freedom they have with my daughter is taken for granted and exploited.

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 12/07/2016 16:09

Why have you let her dictate to you like this? you should have put your foot down from the start.
You are going to have to distance yourself now, or speak to her and tell her there's been a mistake where you have let her take over certain aspects of your life that you don't want her to.
YANBU, but should never have let it get this far.

rainbowstardrops · 12/07/2016 16:10

I really do think that your DH needs to say something to them first. Give them a chance to rein things in.
If they then carry on being cray-cray then I'd definitely knock the lone visits on the head.
There's being a proud, loving, excited grandparents and there's plain weird and over invested.
Hope your DH sees things the way we all do tonight OP Cake

Original poster
WinniePooh101 · 12/07/2016 16:10

diddi you're right. I can;t believe I walked away and let her take my daughter. It won't happen again.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinniePooh101 · 12/07/2016 16:13

gilly In the beginning everyone said to me how nice it was that they were having her for a few hours once a week to give me a break so even thought I felt I was being told rather than asked I straight away thought well if every one else thinks its an act of kindness maybe I'm reading to much in to it..... and it's gone on from there.....

OP posts:
clicknclack · 12/07/2016 16:15

So you have joint custody of your daughter...

What toys they buy for their house on the most part is their business, but the rest of it yeah, out of line and you would do well to step up and say "ENOUGH!"

diddl · 12/07/2016 16:15

Why give them a chance to "rein it in"?

There shouldn't be any "it" to need reining in!

They are rude, overbearing & overstep.

Your daughter needs protecting from them, not subjecting to them!

ApostrophesMatter · 12/07/2016 16:19

Get yourself up there and collect your DD.

Tell her they have gone too far and they need to realise she is your DD and they are only her grandparents. Say they will not be having her in their home for the foreseeable future but can visit at your home BY INVITATION only.

KittensandKnitting · 12/07/2016 16:20

Clicknclack beat me too it, sounds completely like a child custody order where there is a power battle happening from the NRP side.

Feel for you OP so here are some Flowers this little girl is your daughter so you need to take back control immediately, it's easy to see how things got to this stage as you give a little then a little more and before you realise poof your in the situation you are in. Your need support from your husband but I'd not be allowing unsupervised visits simple as that if it was me, until such time they can prove they can follow your wishes 100%

LittleL232 · 12/07/2016 16:22

This sounds just like my MIL and FIL. It's so creepy. And although I know they would never do anything to hurt my DS, their behaviour creates this feeling that I don't trust either of them alone with him.

e1y1 · 12/07/2016 16:23

Still reading through the thread, but having read your updates OP, as a grandparent. This is beyond creepy.

NeedACleverNN · 12/07/2016 16:24

This is actually really disturbing to read tbh...

I may have missed this somewhere but did your MIL ever have her own daughter?

Because at the moment it sounds like she is enjoying being a new mum with her own daughter through her granddaughter

StrictlyMumDancing · 12/07/2016 16:24

Time to put your foot down, with dh more than anyone. Even though you hadn't been planning on it, your mil just prevented you from taking your child out of her house. That's definitely a step too far.

LouBlue1507 · 12/07/2016 16:25

*Today 16:19 ApostrophesMatter

Get yourself up there and collect your DD.

Tell her they have gone too far and they need to realise she is your DD and they are only her grandparents. Say they will not be having her in their home for the foreseeable future but can visit at your home BY INVITATION only*

This!! Do it! Flowers

StillCounting123 · 12/07/2016 16:28

Have they talked much about your soon-to-be born DC2? Do you think they'll be this batshit and overbearing with him/her?

Also, beware of them playing favourites - either keeping all their focus for your DD, or dumping her in favour of cute tiny baby.

You need to get DP on side to fight your corner, and for his children.

You need to rest yourself and keep healthy emotionally as well as physically.

36mum · 12/07/2016 16:33

You are that child's mother for goodness sake, use that mother instinct and protect your daughter! Why have you let others take such control of your life?

I can't believe you allow them to use different clothes for her at their house. And as I have found with grandparents they buy toys that they like not ones that are always suitable or safe. How can you leave her with these people who you obviously can't trust.

They need to get on with their own lives and so do you. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but you need to mum up! Learn to say no without giving yourself a hard time about it. Take your MIL by the horns and set some ground rules. Be totally honest, calmly explain what you are comfortable with and what you aren't. If they really care they will understand, if not then tough, they've had their children don't let them rob you of precious time you will never get back. They follow your rules where your children are concerned, definitely not the other way around. It's part of being a parent being the 'bad' guy sometimes, you are speaking out to protect your children. I'm so frustrated for you.

Good luck with the new baby.

Kreeshsheesh · 12/07/2016 16:33

Don't berate yourself for not leaving with her. It's very difficult in the situation you've found yourself in. I think I'd go and pick her up, make your excuses and decide that they're no longer going to take control of your child. On your terms only from now on. Your DH needs to back you up totally and you know what, maybe let your mum have a word with her? You're in a vulnerable position right now; take any support to sort this out. Good luck, op! I also hope your medical issue resolves and your stress levels go down.

Original poster
WinniePooh101 · 12/07/2016 16:34

Click Kittens little I've said this to my parents! I do feel like they want joint custody of my daughter. I don't believe they would harm her but I don't trust MIL and only last week I said to my parents I reckon if MIL had the slightest opportunity she would try and get custody. She has a daughter but also had a hysterectomy at 30 so I don't know if she wanted more children.

OP posts:
ineedwine99 · 12/07/2016 16:35

Can't offer advise but please let us know how you get on OP, good luck Flowers

moggiek · 12/07/2016 16:35

YADNBU. I'm a Nanny, and there is no way that I would take/do anything with my wonderful DGSs without getting permission from Mummy and Daddy first! I can't imagine how stressful it must be for you not knowing where your child actually is!

JudyCoolibar · 12/07/2016 16:36

Is your DD there now? If so, just go and get her.

Dutchcourage · 12/07/2016 16:36

op you walking away was a massive win for your mil.

It also shown your dd that mil runs things.

My sil had 18 years of this off mil and FIL was passive and encouraged it. it's no joke.

Don't think for one second that your position in your children's life will not be continuously undermined when you are not present. I've seen it be done in a slow drip drip manner which sounds and looks totally innocent. The end game is for the DC to 'love' them more. I know that sounds ridiculous but it happens. The fact they will not let you know where they are when they go out should have been letting if alarm bells. Even the shoes - most people just think this is crazy talk as they don't see past the doting grandparents but it's actually them not giving to fucks about your authority as DC parent. At the moment you are all duel parents in their eyes.

Use this situation today as a starting point. If everyone tells you that you are being irrational, out of order, hysterical then so be it but you have to stop the visits now. Get yourself alternate cc and watch those two like a hawk.

I've just seen my nephew move in with mil (sil and BIL spilt up he works away) sil is so upset but mil got in his head so much, he is 15. Mil now gets up, cooks him a full breakfast and irons his clothes then drops him off at school. He get treated like a god. Sil cannot compete with that she has other DC and works full time. I remember when he was 12 and mil stopped him from doing something that sil has agreed to, she used language such as 'I can't let you do that because I love and care about you' she was implying that his own mother didn't. Dh and FIL sat there like fucking donkeys while I was Shock because it was all going over their heads.

Dd (3) has very limited contact - yes it caused a whole load of shit and we (me and mil) are now NC because of it but no way would I allow mil to do that with my kids.

The funny thing is most of Dh extended family thinkmil is do giving and kind and me and sil are the evil DIL. Dh knew I would walk (and I would have done) if he didn't support me. My kids mean more than him or her.

Good luck!