Is MIL being unreasonable or am I being over sensitive?

[WinniePooh101]

Short back story - I have a 14 month old and I'm 7 months pregnant. Both sets of grandparents live nearby. I've had a few problems with MIL over the past 14 months, she's very possessive of my daughter for instance anytime she looks after her she doesn't answer the phone, doesn't tell us where they are until afterwards because she doesn't think they need to ask permission and we keep repeatedly asking them to stop buying toys for their house, she has so many toys it's beyond ridiculous. We were told within weeks of daughter arriving they would see her every Thursday and insisted on having time 'alone' with her e.g.: going for a walk or out to lunch. There's hell to pay if we ever try to cancel 'their day'. This has now become Tuesdays and Thursdays. They were all set to kit out their spare room as a nursery before my daughter arrived, they bought a cot, pram, were going to put her name on the door until it reached a stage it was freaking me out and DP asked them to calm down and pointed out daughter wouldn't be staying there until she's much older. They have their own clothes for her at their house and I found out by accident they change her clothes into their clothes when she's at their house.

Today, I took her up to see them and discovered they've bought her a baby doll complete with bottle, nappies, blankets, crib etc. Two months ago they said they wanted to buy her a baby doll kit and I asked them not to because we've bought one for her as a present from the new baby when he/she arrives. I wasn't rude or angry, I just politely pointed out we've bought all that as a gift from new baby and reminded her we asked them not to, she denied all knowledge of conversation and went on to tell me that our doll etc will be at our house and theirs is at their house so she can't see what my problem is. Then started showing my daughter how to feed the baby doll!! At that point I said I thought it was best I didn't stay and they'd have a better afternoon if I went home, she replied 'Because you're upset we've bought her dolls?' We reached the doorstep, I kissed my daughter, turned around and took a step down and she'd shut the door on me with my daughter inside! I can;t believe yet again she seems to think she can do whatever she wants with my daughter! I accommodate DP's parents a lot but they seem to think they have a right to do and say what they want even when I've asked them not to. Am I being unreasonable?

rollontheSummer yes spot on advice there.

fraggle

I'm a grandmother and my dgd and my dd live with me, but I would never dream of undermining her parents. It is hard enough being a first-time mother without someone trying to steal your child's affections. I love good, loving grandparents and am really appreciative of all the help I got from my dd's grandparents, but this woman is totally undermining. I think the one that got me was buying the same doll that the OP and her husband had bought to ease the arrival of the new baby, that is just crap!

Hastheworldgonemad

Your lack of humour reminds me of my MIL.

I've had the same issue with my mum. I let a lot slide. I probably shouldn't have done. My mum cuts my ds hair every time he goes there, changes his clothes, buys him the same toys we or anyone else say we are going to give him. He has more toys at her house than ours.

We've cut down on contact now and we are far happier. We have used his baby sister as an excuse.

I think the presents and general stuff is a bit or a diversion.
For me the complete deal breaker is the not answering the phone and taking her out without telling you when specifically told not to.

I think it is very simple you tell her the current arrangement isn't working and just make yourself unavailable on Tuesday's and Thursday's. If you have her as an authorised person at nursery etc remove her from the list.

You do need your OH onside , maybe a list of all her sins would give him more clarity.

She has got away with all this in part because she thinks she is indespesible for childcare. Time to show her she isn't.

I'm sure she'll claim you are irrational cos you are pregnant. Let her think this if she wants, who cares what she thinks. She'll discover soon enough no longer pregnant you is the same.

Stand firm you are doing exactly the right thing for your child.

Get your DH on side, then reduce contact. Don't make it a drama yet. Just have some pre baby bonding time, then some post baby getting to know each other as a family time. Drop one or other of the days each week, then drop a whole week. You need to remove the pattern you've fallen into.

Hugs Winnie you have just woken up to how manipulative some people can be.

I hope DH understands how you are feeling. Yes lots of people will see it as fantastic you have tons of help. But really she isn't doing it to help it is purely for her benefit. This is your one shot at being a mummy don't let her steal it she's had her shot.

Make plans go out, even if you don't have plans go out. Practice saying
"No DD is staying with me". And manipulate to your own advantage. I remember feeling trapped mil would phone me up "oh your in we are coming round later" truthfully a couple of times I went out. Ignoring my phone when it rang. It put and end to those visits.

She still tries very hard to get alone time with DS, as a baby it was the biggest reason I never gave up BFing. I had a spell working Full time yes they helped with childcare care but I was mightly relieved to go part-time and get DS in nursery. Although if she'd had her way she would have had him one day to let me do housework, no that defeated the purpose of me going parttime to spend time with my son.

Your pregnant very soon you'll be on mat leave. Use it to break all habits "no DD isn't coming round she needs to bond with baby, I don't want her feeling pushed out". Your mum sees what is happening so if possible get her to help you.

I never got to the stage you are at but I have worked to keep mil at arms length without going NC or having a fight with DH over it. Who truthfully doesn't really see the issue, he only sees a loving granny.

You need to look into sorting proper, paid childcare straight away! Don't give them any reason for you to owe them anything. Weirdos.

How exactly does the OP get to her daughter to take her home? It relies on the Mil giving the power and control back by recognizing the OPs reality, emotions and right as a mother and just, another human being... Not likely surely?

This very true and one has to remember one side of the party is sweet and pliable and playing fair according to usual societies mores, the other side is playing plain dirty.

She does sound a bit bonkers but I wondered why you don't like them taking your child out. Lots of grandparents take their children on little trips to the park etc when they are looking after their grandchildren without prior permission. You actually sound as though your health will not stand up to lots of confrontation at the moment so I would leave it until you feel strong enough to get the new regime in place without too much stress to yourself.

No no no no would not put up with this.

My Mil is the complete polour opposite tho hasn't seen dc's 10 & 3 on Sunday in almost 2 years.

I can only thank the lord that i saw the light very quickly with my Mil, happened when little one was only a few weeks old and Mil wanted to take her, i was breastfeeding. Her reply in the middle of the town centre was, and i quote, ' you should chop your boob off!'. Needless to say alarm bells were ringing and we avoided contact or else i feel that we would have been in a situation just like yours. Definately reduce contact time, i do hope everything works out ok x

This is exactly what I'm working on avoiding happening with my dd.
Mil has completely taken over dniece-she even refers to their house as her "second home" and stays 4 nights a weeks.
The day dd was born mil came to the hospital and started asking when she could have her to stay over etc. She writes things on fb about how she would love to "have her all the time" but "some people don't thing grandparents are important" etc. She's a PITA.
I'd slowly pull away. Best of luck op.

Champaign you have just reminded me that my MIL bought a travel cot before I was out of hospital. I can't remember if it was the day or day after he was born. It didn't ring alarm bells at the time but it should have!

Op hope you are doing ok. Do you need MIL to baby sit for financial reason? When do you start mat leave?

Bear my mil had a cot all set up and ready in her bedroom - honestly she just couldn't wait to take over and when I didn't let her she started with the Fb abuse. Nightmare!

teatowel the Mil shut the door in her face, and refuses to answer the phone.
I'd be busy for the next 6 months

Hope everything went on with the pick up. It's time for your DH to step up and stop this now!

Phone her IMMEDIATELY and tell her in no uncertain terms that YOU are her mother and until she stops her ridiculous controlling downright creepy behaviour she will not be allowed unsupervised access to your DD. People like this are fucking unreal

What is the problem with them taking her out/taking her on the bus/telling you exactly where they are planning to go? I do think it a little strange that you'd object to them taking her out and about, although not answering the phone is out of line.

I also really don't think you can dictate to them when they can buy her toys or what they can buy. Sometimes you need to pick your battles; unanswered calls, slammed doors, first hair cut/shoes are worthy of making a fuss about. Clothes, toys and trips on the bus not so much.

Have you spoken to your DH? I think it's really important to have a joint strategy.

OP I feel so sorry for you and totally understand how things got a bit out of hand. I've had similar experiences to you although not as dire.

First of all, you are the mother. It seems your MIL sees Your DD as a second chance at being a mum. She is competing with you and if u are not careful, she will completely take control of ur daughter. Her behaviot is not just weird, it's totally disturbing. This is not how grandparents should behave.

You r expecting another baby and she might use this as an excuse to takeover DD1. Are ur parents able to help now that u r on maternity leave? It would be a good idea to get some Dutch courage and stop all stay overs or alone time.

I know this is not easy. It took me a long time to be able to stand up for myself. 2 years I stayed quiet but in the end, I sent an email in simple bullet point outlining everything that pissed me off and how I will allow things to proceed. My husband whilst he sees his mum's behavior didn't have the ballz to change his mum's attitude. So it was up to me to stand firm. I don't allow my babies to stay alone with MIL. From now one she can only come and visit when we r here. If she doesn't respect me as a mum, I can't allow her to undermine me to my kids.

This hasn't gone down well but it's what's best for my kids. Then again, I am lucky that I have my sister close by if I need help.

You need to figure out how to manage when the new baby comes along otherwise u will end up losing ur daughter as she is not only undermining you but she is taking over.

It's not up to her to TELL u anything but she can ask. Not dictate and do whatever she wants.

My MIL also had a hysterectomy and I noticed that's when her clingy behavior started and wonder if there is a connection somehow.

Goodluck! You have a big problem on ur hands. Dealing with this kind of ILs is a headache. They r not doing u any favours. U r the one facilitating their new emotional needs. There is no easy way to deal with this. It needs to be stopped straight away.

I am absolutely for the OP on this thread, and don't want to derail her thread, but as a separate matter, it helps no one to be saying this type of thing:

"My MIL also had a hysterectomy and I noticed that's when her clingy behavior started and wonder if there is a connection somehow".

Brings back the misogyny of 'hysteria' and the way women's brains and nerves were considered weaker than men's due to them being subject to the hysterics, vapors and madness that women's sexual and reproductive organs created. Let alone the somewhat err, unusual 'wandering womb' type of diagnosis...

I'm sure it wasn't meant that way, and actually that was in a longer post which was great. But we do have to be careful we don't damn to hell all of our sex by reducing our motivations and behaviors to merely a hormonal twitch. It belittles the competency of women and ends up diverting the power and control games of certain highly manipulative individuals to a kind of biological destiny.

If this behavior is hormonal/ age / womb etc dependent, then any of us could find ourselves behaving in this way after a hysterectomy. Not a future I relish!

Def stand your ground more now and get dp to call them on their behaviour

All the people who are saying it's not a big deal to take dd out for the day, no, it's not in the context of a happy healthy relationship, not at all. And you are all v lucky fortunately that you don't have any situations leading you to see this in any other way.

But:

The point is - that's not what is happening here. Here, taking dd out for the day and deliberately avoiding contact from dd's parents is a calculated move to display power and take away control from the parents. Imagine how you would feel in that situation, and add in all the other times it has happened, and all the other undermining op has detailed here. It is being used as control and to wield power.

Op, I'm so so sorry that your frankly quite odd pil have carefully crafted this situation you find yourself in. It is an form of control, and I'm sure everyone realises that controlling relationships are never happy and never equal. And also in no way your fault - You have simply been brought up by lovely normal people who don't feel the need to exercise control over anyone. I'm so very glad that your mil went a bit too far over the amount she has been conditioning you to today, and you were able to see that there's a pattern, and come on here for the support and validation that people who are being controlled are denied within the controlling relationship.

Now, go mama bear and protect your own. This doesn't have to mean stressful confrontations. Just a quiet and determined withdrawal, no explanation is actually required.

In other matters, I hope you've been put on daily aspirin for the potential clot? I had a horrendously stressful pregnancy, and I found regular meditation really really helped me to be able to fight the feeling of being a bit helpless about not being able to influence what is going on in your body to your baby. Do let me know if you'd like a link to some meditations I found helped me. Lots and lots of calming wishes of strength to you. You will overcome this.

Grandma to 3 DGC, one of whom I look after a lot. Your MIL has manipulated you and gradually eroded your parental rights. Put a complete stop to them having her to their house and get things put on a normal footing ie you are the parent and the one in charge. Invite them over or to join you on trips to the park etc. When they have learned to accept that they see her on your terms then allow them a bit more leeway. But only if they learn!