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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to never want to speak to BIL again

194 replies

Awkwardas · 12/07/2016 06:19

Sisters been married to him for 20 years we've known him For 26 yrs. He's always been a bit funny sometimes fine other times not so, I think he looks down his nose at us. No reason, he's a plumber his dad a dustbin man. Anyway him sis & family booked a holiday so me & my mum decided to surprise them for the last week as its my nieces birthday. We turn up in the second week & bil is clearly.pissed off! We felt very awkward but luckily were in different hotels. We went to see them on our second say & bil completely ignored us, we've known him 26 years & he just blanks us! I now appreciate he wanted family time & we shouldn't have come but I'm utterly pissed off that he thinks its acceptable to ignore us. Would I be wrong to never speak to him again?

OP posts:
LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/07/2016 09:10

Anyway we're having a nice time 😊

Well that is all that matters, OP. Don't worry about the fact you have spoilt your sister's holiday, as long as you enjoy yours.

Seriously, why would ANYONE think this was a good idea? You don't like him so presumably you did this just to piss him off?

Joystir58 · 12/07/2016 09:10

I would tell you to fuck off if you crashed my precious holiday. Perhaps he has good reason for being off with you sometimes- perhaps the fault lies with you not him

Wolpertinger · 12/07/2016 09:13

You need to totally review your relationship with your BIL and niece - I get she's your niece and you're excited about that but she's a niece not your child. Similarly she's your DM's grandchild, not her child.

Is it possible that your BIL is standoffish with you because he has entirely different expectations of a grandparent/aunt relationship and sees you as a bunch of overbearing loons? Which you have only confirmed by pulling this stunt 'with the best of intentions'.

Apologise, both of you, in grovelling fashion and then apologise again. And don't mention 'we had the best of intentions' - just say we know we were utterly wrong and leave it there.

Theythinkimworking · 12/07/2016 09:14

My in-laws do stuff like this this to their own daughter all the time. They regularly arrive for 'surprise' visits (they live 7 hours drive away) and will stay for a week. They hate SILs husband and make his life miserable. They even surprised them a couple of times when they went away to a fancy hotel for a break and on SILs birthday. They think this is just brilliant fun.
They hate me too but that hasn't stopped them arriving unannounced a couple of times - even when we have been away visiting with my family. But they have been warned not to do it again. I have no doubt that they would absolutely crash our holiday and expect us to be delighted to see them.

TheWildOnes · 12/07/2016 09:14

I'm shocked that anyone would consider for a second that this might be a good idea!

Underparmummy · 12/07/2016 09:14

Your poor BIL!

Theythinkimworking · 12/07/2016 09:14

also.. what is a 'reverse'?

ImperialBlether · 12/07/2016 09:15

A reverse in this case would be that the OP was indeed the BIL, writing from the other point of view to see what people said.

It's usually infuriating!

rollonthesummer · 12/07/2016 09:15

You have accepted that you were wrong. What are you doing to rectify the situation?

BadLad · 12/07/2016 09:17

It's not surprising he looks down on his clueless idiot of a sister-in-law.

I'd be very pissed off if my in-laws decided to surprise me on holiday. They're not senseless enough to do that, fortunately.

LunaLoveg00d · 12/07/2016 09:17

I would be beyond furious if my inlaws turned up on holiday. Completely inappropriate.

OP just doesn't "get" that her actions are unreasonable. Awful. Poor sister and brother in law who have had their holiday completely ruined.

ExitPursuedByABear · 12/07/2016 09:17

Meercat2 · 12/07/2016 09:19

Christ, I would have been really angry if my holiday was interrupted with a surprise gatecrasher too. What were you thinking? And for a whole week Shock

PurpleDaisies · 12/07/2016 09:21

What were your "best of intentions"? I can't see how this was ever going to end well...

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 12/07/2016 09:21

He wanted time away (an escape?) with his family and is annoyed that you hurtled in - mistakenly thinking that it was going to be a nice surprise.

You didn't know that your unannounced presence was less than delightful.
He may decide not to speak to you again.

Maybe he finds it all a bit overbearing? Perhaps his ignoring you is his way of dealing with it rather than open his mouth and say too much - things he may regret. Apologise for butting in and leave it at that - least said soonest mended.

mouldycheesefan · 12/07/2016 09:21

I imagine he is delighted that you have decided not to speak to him ever again-result!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 12/07/2016 09:25

Bet it's not just BIL who feels annoyed. Your sister has had to deal with his reaction so that's probably spoilt her holiday. Sad
It can't be undone now so stay away and try not to run into them.

SisterMoonshine · 12/07/2016 09:28

Oh it's like a comedy sitcom.
The plumber finally gets some time off work and a family holiday they've been saving for, settles down on a sun lounger for a proper nice time... and is sure he can hear his busy-body in-laws nearby.
But no. Surely not, he must be mistaken....

rollonthesummer · 12/07/2016 09:30

I hope you are packing and going home today!

I just cannot believe this is real. From your thread title-YOU were actually cross with your BIL over this. Words fail me.

glasgowlass · 12/07/2016 09:34

Oh dear.
If my ILs or even my own parents crashed my family holiday I would be absolutely livid.
You need to learn boundaries OP.

Mouikey · 12/07/2016 09:34

I feel so sad for your sister who is now on holiday and had been put in the middle of a terrible situation that never needed to happen. Can you even imagine the conversation between her and her husband. The atmosphere will also, no doubt, ruin their daughters holiday too.

I have a feeling that you will regret this decision for a very long time to come, and if you see your sister and niece in the near future I would be surprised.

My advice is to never forget that this is your doing and not theirs, I imagine you will try and justify this in your mind and blame your BiL (as per your original post). At the very least you need to do some humble apologising when you get home and leave them alone on the rest of their holiday. I'd even go so far to say that you offer to pay for their next holiday given that you have spoilt this one.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/07/2016 09:36

Hmm. I genuinely think that my BiL would be quite pleased if me and mom turned up on their holiday but we are all very close and get on very very well.

Having said that, I wouldn't do it because it's just, well, a bi much

I think you're getting a very hard time OP and in fairness you hav accepted that YABU but I think you owe your BiL an apology and explanation of your motives.

I hope you can get it sorted and all have a nice time

BowiesJumper · 12/07/2016 09:39

I think you owe them a massive apology! Good grief.

ethelb · 12/07/2016 09:41

Elliecam the OP has not however acknowledged that the reasons behind it were probably part of a bigger issue of her general treatment of others.

Would be interested to know what part the mum played tbh

peppercold · 12/07/2016 09:41

What has your sister said?

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