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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset/angry at Mother in Law

308 replies

BummyMummy77 · 11/07/2016 23:31

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had an ovarian cyst burst. I've had it confirmed by a doctor and am due to go in for a vaginal ultrasound tomorrow. DH can't take time off work as his job is very seasonal and he makes most of his money in a four week period in the Summer. Also, his boss is in a foul mood at the moment and is liable to let him go for taking time off. DS is two and a half and very lively. I can see taking him in to the appointment would go one of two ways- he's either be an utter fucking nightmare and they'd say they couldn't do it with him there or he'd be all scared about what's happening to Mama (he's not so keen on doctors/dentists etc.) And that's if they'll even let an unattended toddler in radiology, which I highly doubt.

We live five minutes away from the in laws. I've not once since he was born asked for their help with childcare. It's always been a bit of a thing that I've chosen to become a SAHM and his whole family always skirt around in a joking way that I sit around all day doing nothing (for what it's worth it isn't true, I grow all our own food and have chickens, husband works 12 hour days, add a toddler to that and I pretty much rush around like a madwoman) so we've avoided asking them for favours ever.

I've begged MIL to just watch him for an hour while I'm in the appointment. (She has the day off and will be ten minutes away from the hospital!) and she's point blank refusing saying it was my decision to not put him in daycare and she's just too busy to help.

There's no body else that can help, we live on an island and the hospital is aways away. I've asked friends that are nearer but it's last minute and they're all working or already busy.

So I'm faced with the choice of cancelling and resheduling for a month or so's time or taking him and hoping it doesn't all go Pete Tong.

I know I made a choice to not have childcare for him but this is kind of an emergency, am I being unreasonable to be really hurt and pretty pissed off?

Oh and for a bit of background, dh's sister, husband and 1 year old also live with the in laws and are fully financially supported by them and sister in law also doesn't work but has mil cook all their meals and at least two hour of childcare from her a day. I know this doesn't have anything to do with our situation per se but it's adding to my annoyance.

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 12/07/2016 20:40

I'm in Wales!
You need medical care urgently.
They may not be much help but surley they'll be better than your ILs.
Would they expect your OH to build them a house?

Masketti · 12/07/2016 21:07

You have been dealt a shitty hand Bummy.

My neighbour had a solicitor appointment as she'd been made redundant and I looked after her 7 month old and my 1 year old at the same time for an hour because she needed to concentrate on the deal being offered so they didn't screw her over. I did it because I'm not a twat and I know there are things that are more important than an easy life for me. Conversely I asked my DB to look after his goddaughter/niece who was 2.5 for an hour and a half whilst I took 1 week old DD2 for a medical appointment which was totally unsuitable for a toddler to attend. He lives 10 minutes from the hospital and has a DS who was 18 months i.e. Not totally incompetent with children. He refused because he 'didn't know her well enough' (at 2.5. Whose fault is that?) and would struggle looking after the 2 of them on his own. Also he was going out with friends half an hour after the appointment so if it overran it would impinge upon his plans Hmm Confused Angry. Can you tell I'm not over it yet?

Both your MIL and SIL are culpable here. MIL is clearly put out by something and has made it perfectly clear she is not there for her DS, DIL or DGS in an emergency. As others have said strangers are there for others in emergencies; if you can't be there for family you are an utter twat. And to sack you off when you had a miscarriage. Heartless heartless cow.

You SIL is clearly weak and despite having an easy life won't put herself out for you. To screw your DH over by saying the house is too small - didn't she read the plans or look out of the window while it was being built??? Looking after 2 can be easier than 1 as they entertain each other.

Your in laws are shits. Hope your luck improves because you sound lovely Flowers

MrsJoeyMaynard · 12/07/2016 21:48

Sorry to hear that you need a CAT scan too. Flowers

This won't make you feel better, but they're very unlikely to let a child near one of those (unless as the patient) because CAT scans involve exposure to radiation.

Your in-laws have been extremely unkind and unreasonable to refuse to help you out today.

pluck · 12/07/2016 22:01

Ah, hell! I've only just read this, including the bit about the CAT scan.

You're clearly going to have to get cover for that. My DS has also always been leery of strangers (and at 8yo still won't go to bed on his own. Too terrified!). However, even as an even more twitchy toddler, if he saw DH or me being really friendly and comfortable with someone, that would really accelerate the process of acceptance.

If he still screams throughout the babysitting, you'll have an excellent piece of gossip in circulation, to make your ILs look like the shits they are!

Good luck. I hope you're not in too much pain... Sad

AcrossthePond55 · 13/07/2016 00:04

I've PM'd you.

SylvieB74 · 13/07/2016 01:11

She sounds like an old bitch to me. Also reminds me of my mother, when I was as t in her living room telling her that u had to go and give birth to my dead baby in two days time, and all she said was 'well I can't pick D2 up' and she could have anyway! I don't see her any more.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 13/07/2016 02:47

Glad your DS made it through the scan ok, so sorry that it wasn't better news!

Hope that the insurance comes through - but be careful, because if it's anything like UK private health insurance, known conditions aren't covered! But it might be very different, I don't know about US health insurance. You'd need to ask someone there who has it about that.

Best of luck, hope the pain is subsiding now Thanks (and maybe give your DH a knee in the balls just because. Remind him he has some)

AlysonWorldTravelFamily · 13/07/2016 17:37

I'd be severing all contact with that old bag quick sharp!! She's jealous, would be my take. What a poisonous old person.

BertrandRussell · 13/07/2016 17:44

She is obviously a cow. But please stop saying "old". She was probably a cow when young as well.

londonmummy1966 · 13/07/2016 18:00

SO sorry to hear about this OP - Ive only just come across this thread but - just a thought - is there a church on the island? If so perhaps a confidential chat with the minister/pastor to explain the situation and ask if he could identify a member of his congregation who might be prepared to help in an emergency in future? He might also be able to introduce you to a couple of ladies with children of a similar age?

Curviest · 13/07/2016 18:05

I'm shocked to my core. This is her GRAND-CHILD!

What an absolute COW.

CatNip2 · 13/07/2016 18:07

I know it's more complicated but it would be so easy to off back to Wales with your little boy and husband and see how the old witch likes that one! Hope you get better very soon.Flowers

toldmywrath · 13/07/2016 18:32

Glad your little boy was good OP lol at the vagina comment
What is the likelihood of coming home for a visit & having the scan on the NHS?

I've had that type of wand scan & I rang about the 2 pints of water thing beforehand (NHS scan but done at a private hospital) They said I'd be ok not to drink that much. I was being checked for cysts & when I got there & ,ahem, disrobed my period had started. But they were fine about it & carried on. I, on the other hand, was slightly mortified Blush

Flowers for you BM77

Beeziekn33ze · 13/07/2016 18:39

OP love your DS on the ferry at 16.34.01, he sounds adorable!
Glad the DS was OK in the hospital. Bummer indeed that you now need a CAT scan.
Londonmummy - good idea to ask at church if there is one.
OP I hope things improve for you, DS and DH. Be super sweet but a little needy to all acquaintances and contacts, there's got to be someone in your community who would look after DS during your next appointment.
As for toxic MiL, not much of a hippie, what happened to love and peace? Hope she had a bad hairdo, a nasty lunch, and nothing she bought fits or works. She really is a piece of work. 💐

Chottie · 13/07/2016 19:10

I'm a MiL and I just can't believe this. Where is her humanity and caring for your suffering and pain?

What a selfish woman.

Original poster
BummyMummy77 · 13/07/2016 19:15

I think now in the States it's illegal to not cover pre existing conditions. So that should be ok.

The only full time church on the island just sacked their minister lol and haven't yet found a replacement. Dh is nearly done with the crazy hours summer job so will be able to take time for a ct scan. And if I have more of a heads up I'd be able to find a friend to help.

Guess what? Mil didn't actually even go shopping etc yesterday. She stayed home. I shit you not. I'm speechless. I hope I don't run in to her as I will not be able to be civil.

While I was on the beach letting ds play as its on the way to the hospital and we'd had to get there earlier due to a break in the ferry schedule I couldn't help having a little whimpery pathetic cry and an old couple next to me got chatting and offered to watch ds. Very sweet and obviously I said no as although they didn't look like child stealers it still may have been a reach but it goes to show absolute strangers do that shit for people. Put the family in an even crapper light than before.

In reality it wasn't that bad at all I think I was just hurt by the fact it would have been so easy for someone to have watched him and it seemed like an aggressive act to say no.

Oh, and not heard a dicky bird from them asking how it went. And actually, fil is just as equally to blame here, I've been bitching about the other two but he's just as close to ds and possibly more capable.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 13/07/2016 19:23

Family or not, I would have nothing further to do with those selfish fuckers ever again and I would tell them why. They would also never see your DS again. They are vile people and do not deserve you or DS in their lives. You know now where you stand with them - clearly they don't consider your family a priority at all. Hope you are ok Flowers

milkingmachine1 · 13/07/2016 19:23

I'm so sorry bummy. You sound like a lovely and kind person, you really don't deserve to be treated this way Flowers

topnan · 13/07/2016 19:26

What a load of shisters. Cut your losses Bummy, they're not worth it.
Good luck Flowers

honeylulu · 13/07/2016 19:26

Poor you. It doesn't help much but my MIL was the same so I sympathise. Sometimes she'd agree to a favour she'd been asked for then on the day refuse and deny she'd ever said it. She enjoyed the power.

She is dead now and I don't miss her one bit

GabsAlot · 13/07/2016 19:52

ffs it gets worse she never went out?

surely your dh has to say something now this is so bad

youve up sticks and moved to another country and this is how they all treat you

MilesHuntsWig · 13/07/2016 19:56

That is very odd.

I think it's a waste of energy trying to figure them out tbh, distance yourself as much as possible...

Wishfulmakeupping · 13/07/2016 20:01

It just sounds so familiar to me op I've tried and tried to work it all out and justify it etc etc but it boils down quite simply in my case to 1. Mil hates me 2. She enjoys the power 3. She puts both those fact before her grand child's needs
Which applies to your situation too in lots of ways I think.
I'm going nc with her now and from reading the responses you've had I know I've done the right thing.
Have you for a good social network over there op?

Kithulu · 13/07/2016 20:09

Time to move off that island and get far far away from them!

HopefulHamster · 13/07/2016 20:11

I would just move to Wales. You will manage.

Screw them all.