To be upset/angry at Mother in Law

[BummyMummy77]

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had an ovarian cyst burst. I've had it confirmed by a doctor and am due to go in for a vaginal ultrasound tomorrow. DH can't take time off work as his job is very seasonal and he makes most of his money in a four week period in the Summer. Also, his boss is in a foul mood at the moment and is liable to let him go for taking time off. DS is two and a half and very lively. I can see taking him in to the appointment would go one of two ways- he's either be an utter fucking nightmare and they'd say they couldn't do it with him there or he'd be all scared about what's happening to Mama (he's not so keen on doctors/dentists etc.) And that's if they'll even let an unattended toddler in radiology, which I highly doubt.

We live five minutes away from the in laws. I've not once since he was born asked for their help with childcare. It's always been a bit of a thing that I've chosen to become a SAHM and his whole family always skirt around in a joking way that I sit around all day doing nothing (for what it's worth it isn't true, I grow all our own food and have chickens, husband works 12 hour days, add a toddler to that and I pretty much rush around like a madwoman) so we've avoided asking them for favours ever.

I've begged MIL to just watch him for an hour while I'm in the appointment. (She has the day off and will be ten minutes away from the hospital!) and she's point blank refusing saying it was my decision to not put him in daycare and she's just too busy to help.

There's no body else that can help, we live on an island and the hospital is aways away. I've asked friends that are nearer but it's last minute and they're all working or already busy.

So I'm faced with the choice of cancelling and resheduling for a month or so's time or taking him and hoping it doesn't all go Pete Tong.

I know I made a choice to not have childcare for him but this is kind of an emergency, am I being unreasonable to be really hurt and pretty pissed off?

Oh and for a bit of background, dh's sister, husband and 1 year old also live with the in laws and are fully financially supported by them and sister in law also doesn't work but has mil cook all their meals and at least two hour of childcare from her a day. I know this doesn't have anything to do with our situation per se but it's adding to my annoyance.

Bummy - record on paper in handwriting all the incidents that happen.

Seriously.

The lack of help with your miscarriage (so sorry :( )

The lack of help with the cyst and the dilemma you were in - husband possibly facing the sack if he took time off.

Her words "you'll have to make arrangements elsewhere if you have an emergency"

These non-existant calls.

She's clearly extremely manipulative and one of the very, very few ways to be believed when you are dealing with someone like this is to record every incident the day it happens in handwriting (harder to fake date-wise).

it might not be useful in the long wrong but there have been times when records/diary keeping like this has really paid off in dealing with a highly manipulative and unpleasant woman like your MIL. Even if it's no direct use later on then it's a good sanity check.

You really, really need to get your husband on side here for both your sake and your son's. Or to remove your son from the situation altogether if you can.

Id be looking at emigrating. And telling them all in a not so passive way, as you havè so little support here. You think it's marvellous how she supports your sil and are looking to move to get the same support from yours.

Of course it saddens out own ours Hilda I'll other know hem but , sigh, there can be letters...

IT saddens you how they won't know their grandchild (who is Hilda? ) but there can be letters...sigh.

(who is Hilda?) Ha! headof for some reason that made me lol.

OP, your MIL is still a bumhat, as I said the other day.

Does your DS even have a cold, or spend enough time around your MIL to pass it on to her??

What a bitch to blame your son for her illness. I think the main cold thing about her is her heart.

I have a few friendships with people on the island. Apart from one couple who have two young kids, a newborn and have started a new business which takes every waking hour so we don't see them so much, they are VERY different to me so I can't see us ever becoming wonderful friends.

I have great friends on the mainland they just all happened to be away or working. I've told dh the next time there's an emergency he needs to take the time off work. If his boss will get bent out of shape about something like that then they aren't the kind of people we want to be working for.

I've just realised we have the option to delete our caller ids too but dh believes me. I went so nuclear when she said she'd called several times and demanded he ring her up immediately and tell her that wasn't true. He can tell when I'm not being truthful about something. I go all quiet and mumbly, not leaping up and down on the spot and pulling my hair out.

Basically anything I do will get twisted. There is no way I'm going to come off looking anything but bad and ungrateful in this situation. I can't quite see how that's possible after she's been so awful but that's how it's starting to look.

I was thinking of the no contact full on ignoring but that'll only harm me so I think I just withdraw right back, make no effort and when it's a family event I have to go to be civil but make no effort or be warm (can't anyway not being a massive fake ass).

As to the ex wife, I've told dh maybe she hated her family because they're assholes (didn't put it very gently I know but I was fuming) and he thinks I'm partially right. She was a bit of an odd duck though. She never consummated the marriage and apparently had never intended to which she maybe should have told the poor sod in the first place .

The writing down is a great idea. May help dh put things on perspective in the long run too.

She saw him for half and hour on Saturday when we bumped in to her out. But saying that, pretty much EVERY person on the island has had this bug. Even dh got it and he rarely gets sick. There's one store and one cafe. If one person gets something then usually everyone does. So to blame ds is a turd move.

how is going nc going to hurt you?

sorry if im missing something but youre being hurt right now with all these snidey comments and lies

his exw didnt want to see them now you know why

Is your husband going to call her on the lie or not? I'm not trying to stir, just might be a warning shot that he's not going to continue to put up with the BS?

There is no way I'm going to come off looking anything but bad and ungrateful in this situation. I can't quite see how that's possible after she's been so awful but that's how it's starting to look.

Tiny island. She's been there a long time. I really think it's not a bad idea to consider moving

I've asked him to call her on the lie. She needs to know he knows what she's up to. I feel awful as I know it's hurting him but I have ds to think of too and in the long run if there's any kind of salvage for dh and his parents relationship he needs to address it now.

Your DH needs to man up and tell his useless mother to do one.

I wouldn't speak to her again, or take my child or go to any family gatherings. Screw them. She wants you to know how little she thinks of you, her son and her grandson, well now she has confirmed it in a spectacular way, she can suck up the consequences.

bummy i think it might be an idea to work out all the possible ways this might go and to accept that one of them is going to happen. It's going to mean facing some nasty options, and being mentally prepared can often help.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst

If DH challenges her, she can deny it or she can admit it. Either way, her covert enmity (shown by the lies about the phone calls) is going to be challenged.

She might back down. Or she might ramp it up and go full out.

Will she have the island behind her (having lived there a long time and being very manipulative, so she seems to be the victim here)?

Or do they actually know her and have less time for her than it seems?

If they are (mistakenly) behind her, then could you end up ostracised? If so, then I really think you should move for one reason: this will be awful for your son.

If people see through her then living on the island will be a lot easier.

Is there any real possibility that she could bring herself to say Sorry and mean it? (miracles do occasionally happen!)

As a paper exercise, can you consider the logistics of moving? If you had to do it for another reason, how would you go about it?

Looking at a situation as if it was a friend's, what would you advise your friend?

Looking at things from different angles can be confusing but can also help get a grip on things, even if it's just to discard the more extreme options and concentrate on handling the feasible ones.

it's quite a bit of mental work but you've got a real problem here and this can be a tool to help handle it

My sympathies go out to you OP. Your MIL sounds like a right cow. This all reminds me so much of my ex MIL. I once asked her if she could have my 2 year old daughter for about 3 hours one afternoon whilst I attended a hospital appointment for a kidney scan (suspected kidney stones). She wasn't working at the time,I asked her 6 weeks before the appointment AND said I would drop off and pick up DD,or if she preferred she could come to our house. But no. She said she was 'busy that day'. This,coming from the woman who never arranged anything in advance if she could possibly help it in case a better offer came up. Imagine my disbelief when a few weeks after my appointment,she asked if my ex-husband could run her and FIL to Gatwick airport,a round trip of 80 miles,for NOTHING,as they didn't want to pay the weeks charge for leaving their car at the airport. To my fury,ex-H agreed. One among many reasons he is now my ex.

You know why she blamed DS for giving her a cold? She's telling you I see too much of him already. Ugh, she sees so much of that little boy he gave her his germs. What a put upon, martyr grandmother she is Nasty, manipulative piece of work.

She's a massive bitch take him with you it's surely better than being indebted to that !

How are you OP? 💐

In case it helps, and please don't be offended with me (!), I had a similar situation when my twins were three weeks old, and I had to take one of them into hospital urgently. I couldn't get help for the other DC. I eventually rang the local vicar/minister and asked if they had knowledge of anyone who could go with me to the hospital and look after DC while DD had her scan. It worked beautifully as an older lady came with me, held twin 1 and looked after the other one, and kept my spirits up. Is that something you could consider?

Sending hugs and good wishes to you, OP.

Thanks all and sorry for the silence. It got worse again and I'm now waiting on a cat scan. Even though it's kind of got better again. A friend looked after ds which was great.

So we had no contact with mil until yesterday when dh ran in to her at work and told her he felt hurt and let down by her refusal to help and general not wanting to make time for us.

She replied by telling him she wanted to help but had been very ill so couldn't. I don't know if she actually believes what she's saying or thinks we're completely stupid or have very short memories.

She then turned on the water works so dh felt awful for making her cry when she's 'ill' and dropped it.

Manipulative old witch.

Your DH needs help, professional help. :(

She was out shopping says it all. Your friend was nice to help.

He does Thumb. I've said my piece.

Friend was lovely to help.

It's sil's daughters 1st birthday next week and we've just received super fancy, expensive invitations for the party.

Dh is refusing to go. I'm seeing a pattern where (even though she is a bit of a princess pain in the ass) dh takes out all his anger and resentment with his parents on her. Not healthy. Unfortunately there's more chance of dh chopping both of his legs off than seeing anyone about his feelings.

She then turned on the water works so dh felt awful for making her cry when she's 'ill' and dropped it

turn on the waterworks yourself. A lot.

how dare she say she was ill? You had a fucking burst ovarian cyst.

I can't imagine how frustrated you are with your husband.

She wasn't even ill though. Her first excuse was she was going shopping then she didn't even go she hung out at home!

She 'apparently' got ill four days after the event.

My MIL is as much as a cunt as yours OP. DH decided to go NC years ago and it was the best decision we ever made - more so that the DC don't have to know their 'Grandma' doesn't really care that much