To be upset/angry at Mother in Law

[BummyMummy77]

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had an ovarian cyst burst. I've had it confirmed by a doctor and am due to go in for a vaginal ultrasound tomorrow. DH can't take time off work as his job is very seasonal and he makes most of his money in a four week period in the Summer. Also, his boss is in a foul mood at the moment and is liable to let him go for taking time off. DS is two and a half and very lively. I can see taking him in to the appointment would go one of two ways- he's either be an utter fucking nightmare and they'd say they couldn't do it with him there or he'd be all scared about what's happening to Mama (he's not so keen on doctors/dentists etc.) And that's if they'll even let an unattended toddler in radiology, which I highly doubt.

We live five minutes away from the in laws. I've not once since he was born asked for their help with childcare. It's always been a bit of a thing that I've chosen to become a SAHM and his whole family always skirt around in a joking way that I sit around all day doing nothing (for what it's worth it isn't true, I grow all our own food and have chickens, husband works 12 hour days, add a toddler to that and I pretty much rush around like a madwoman) so we've avoided asking them for favours ever.

I've begged MIL to just watch him for an hour while I'm in the appointment. (She has the day off and will be ten minutes away from the hospital!) and she's point blank refusing saying it was my decision to not put him in daycare and she's just too busy to help.

There's no body else that can help, we live on an island and the hospital is aways away. I've asked friends that are nearer but it's last minute and they're all working or already busy.

So I'm faced with the choice of cancelling and resheduling for a month or so's time or taking him and hoping it doesn't all go Pete Tong.

I know I made a choice to not have childcare for him but this is kind of an emergency, am I being unreasonable to be really hurt and pretty pissed off?

Oh and for a bit of background, dh's sister, husband and 1 year old also live with the in laws and are fully financially supported by them and sister in law also doesn't work but has mil cook all their meals and at least two hour of childcare from her a day. I know this doesn't have anything to do with our situation per se but it's adding to my annoyance.

Friggin hell. What was it, two minutes it took for someone to pop up and tell you that mil doesn't have to say yes?

Of course she doesn't but what kind of person looks at the circumstances and thinks, nope, I can't be bothered to help.

What a shitty situation, sorry to hear you have to have a further scan.

Sorry that your in laws are incomprehensibly unkind . it really would upset me that they do so much for SiL & nothing for your H, infact less than nothing.
I personally would give them both barrels, tell them exactly why you are going nc. then pull up the draw bridge & let them get on living in their insular little pit of snakes. Just wait until they are older & need help. Hahaha.
They may be the only family your son has there, but people like them are a bad influence, & sooner or later they will start back stabbing infront of him.
The ideal would be to move out of their circle of influence.

Are there any local Facebook groups in your area? Especially Christian groups? Often churches are great places to build up church family/ friends. Usually churches will run a creche/ toddler group or Sunday school group.

I would post on a local Facebook ad page, asking for any information on toddler groups/ bible studies / craft groups. There are bound to be groups of young Mothers who arrange to meet regularly. Alternatively you could ask for recommendations for young teenage girls who would be interested in babysitting.

I'm so sorry you have been treated so badly by your in-laws. I hope that your husband manages to get healthcare and better job security. And that your MIL will truly regret her treatment of you.

Maybe your mother in law has boarderline personality disorder? My mil had it, (she is dead now) it was terrible. Have a read about it...
People with this often think one child is wonderful - maybe your sil, and another one awful - you dh. The 'terrible' child keeps trying so hard to get his mothers approval (live in America, build house), but never can. Because your child is his son, that makes him terrible as well :(
It's a tragic condition

I really feel for you. Its your health so you mustn't re schedule, its a priority!!

I think you can either sit MIL/SIL down and spell out how important it is or failing that cut them out of your life completely and ask friends to ask their mothers/sisters/babysitters/ people you can trust. Say its an emergency- because it IS.

Failing that go to the appointment and explain your situation.

Huge Hug to you. People can be assholes.

she went bubble and to vut a long story short the mil didnt even go out that day in the end

I loathe your outlaws.... If they live on an island then there is probably a very strong community where people may very well know what these Wimbledon are really like. Do you know if there are any particularly gossipy people in this community? It might be worth "bumping into" some of them when you're looking particularly tragic and let them know why it looks like you're all going to have to move back to the UK..... Shame those trolls as soon as you can!!!

Lol honeylulu!

I have a really good social network on the mainland.

And there's the rub, this is ds's only family. And their blowing hot and cold will eventually be damaging to him. But am I going to be 'the bitch' that goes nc?

I feel like I should ignore them for a bit and then just be cold.

Sil has offered to have ds for the ct scan which is something.

Only family here I mean.

I think mil is passive aggressive to a whole new level. The whole family are. It drives me fucking mental. My family are dysfunctional but then we politely tell each other how we are being dysfunctional. It works for us. We don't get some weird, smouldering resentment that then gets taken out on Grandkids for no reason whatsoever.

Justilou I'm having a giggle trying to figure out what 'Wimbledon' was auto correct for!!

It's so bizarre to me how a mother can so completely and obviously favour one child over the other. Especially when one is such a see you next Tuesday and the unflavoured one is so giving and desperate to please. I guess that's a cause rather than an effect though.

Another example, we asked them to have our dog for one evening when we had to go off island for a meeting. She's no trouble all, very low maintenance and such a love but they said no they've too much on. Fair enough. Fast forward two weeks and sil and her husband have gone away for a week leaving their dog which gets walked 3 times a day and has to have breakfast and dinner cooked fresh for it. And has a weird thing going on with it's knob which means it drips bloody sperm everywhere all the time.

You need to address this with your DH. You don't have a pil problem, you have a DH problem.
He's willing to allow his family to treat you and your DS so badly will not bode well for the future.

While she's entitled to say no, she's a cunt and let's hope there will be a chance for a payback.

bummy, kittens who grow up petted and loved tend to be more independent. Kittens who are rejected and unloved tend to grow up more dependent and desperate for hugs and loves. Not a perfect rule, but there's a pattern there.

The damage to your husband has been done. That's why he's chasing after their love which will never come. The pattern is too deep laid. One day he might face that they just do not care about him very much - which hurts like holy fucking hell, but it's actually healthier than keeping on returning to be kicked again, hoping and hoping for the pat that never comes.

And there's the rub, this is ds's only family. And their blowing hot and cold will eventually be damaging to him

Yes, it probably will. He'll see how his cousins are treated and he will wonder why he's not treated the same. If his grandmother is the same to him as she was to your husband, it's going to leave him with a feeling of lacking and of being second best.

I think you need to protect him now. Disengage. Step back. Work on your husband to get him to step back where your son is concerned. You know the score with them, however disappointing it is to acknowledge it - they are not and will never be there for you, by their own words.

Buy and read Susan Forward's Toxic In Laws or Toxic Parents. Those books have a lot of insight into negative patterns of behaviour between parent / in law / adult children.

Your MIL takes the term bitch to a whole new level. I'd be having serious words with DH that you've tried to be civil with them but your health is more important than her social diary and that you want nothing more to do with them ever again. That if he wants to toodle off to see them then it'll be on his own as you don't want your DS polluted by these toxic people and ignore any future attempt to contact you.

Big cyber hugs from Scotland and hope you are feeling better today.

Also, I really hope that the health insurance works out for you. Wishing you the best

Scotland could be a lovely place to live. Lots of islands, beaches, wilderness and employees have (for now) reasonable rights. Oh, and there's the NHS.

Bristol is also great (love how the convo turned to the Kings Arms!), just less wild (outwith the harbourside on a Saturday night).

Just sayin'

Meanwhile I'm enjoying very awful, spiteful daydreams of her falling down a large hole and begging for help and me laughing manically at the top.

Hahaahahaahaha

so sil can look after your ds and her dc next time but not yesterday when it wa sjust too much

u need to go nc with these people even f they do blame you theyre no good for your ds

your MIL is a wanker. Burst Ovarian Cyst could kill you!!

Ur SIL is BU. I'm sure any mother can manage 2 kids for an afternoon!! Ur MIL is also BU & sounds very unkind. Ur going to the hospital not cinema. Hope it all works out & u feel better.

MIL is correct though, you do need to find a network of people to ask. therefore you will not need to ask them for anything. EVER.
When they invite you over, say you have to check your diary, & say you have alternative plans.
Retreat, do not take DS over. All of them are toxic.
I agree asking a few other people of MIL, . Her acquaintances, local Pastor !!!!! & letting slip "MIL has bizarrely not been able to help and says I should make other arrangements for the future, which i am now doing, as I cannot be sure when I will next need EMERGENCY health care".

"friends of MIL" sorry

OMG, can't believe she didn't even go shopping, not that it matters because it was clearly just an excuse in the first place.

REALLY would move away from their shitty island back to where you have support. Probably better for work, better for healthcare etc. as well - so all you have to do is get DH to a point where he understands that they're a bunch of cunts who care not a shit about him or his family (you and your DS) and he'll hopefully back away without regret.

He does need to come out of his cycle of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt if it hasn't already been explained) and reading Toxic parents would probably be very eye-opening for him.

IF he doesn't want to leave them, then I would definitely consider an extended trip home to Wales, at least til you get yourself sorted out! At least you know how to deal with your own family's dysfunction, and they might actually care if you live or die (which clearly your ILs don't).

And in all honesty, I really wouldn't worry about your DS "knowing" that side of his family - as the son of the scapegoat, he's never going to match up to his goldenchild cousins, so the cycle will just continue with him. Just Not Worth It.

You've just got to get your DH to the point where he understands all this...

No you are not BU. OK,so no one is entitled to expect their parents or PIL to babysit,but for crying out loud,this is an urgent situation and she is IS your child's GM. I would just refuse point blank,to EVER do her any favours in the future,no matter how urgent it is. Sorry if that sounds harsh,but it is no more than she deserves. Families are supposed to muck in and help out IMO. I have had some experience of this with my (now thankfully) ex MIL. Hope you are OK OP. for you.

I'd rip that fucking cabin your DH built down plank by fucking plank.

Utter cuntbags.