To be upset/angry at Mother in Law

[BummyMummy77]

Yesterday I'm pretty sure I had an ovarian cyst burst. I've had it confirmed by a doctor and am due to go in for a vaginal ultrasound tomorrow. DH can't take time off work as his job is very seasonal and he makes most of his money in a four week period in the Summer. Also, his boss is in a foul mood at the moment and is liable to let him go for taking time off. DS is two and a half and very lively. I can see taking him in to the appointment would go one of two ways- he's either be an utter fucking nightmare and they'd say they couldn't do it with him there or he'd be all scared about what's happening to Mama (he's not so keen on doctors/dentists etc.) And that's if they'll even let an unattended toddler in radiology, which I highly doubt.

We live five minutes away from the in laws. I've not once since he was born asked for their help with childcare. It's always been a bit of a thing that I've chosen to become a SAHM and his whole family always skirt around in a joking way that I sit around all day doing nothing (for what it's worth it isn't true, I grow all our own food and have chickens, husband works 12 hour days, add a toddler to that and I pretty much rush around like a madwoman) so we've avoided asking them for favours ever.

I've begged MIL to just watch him for an hour while I'm in the appointment. (She has the day off and will be ten minutes away from the hospital!) and she's point blank refusing saying it was my decision to not put him in daycare and she's just too busy to help.

There's no body else that can help, we live on an island and the hospital is aways away. I've asked friends that are nearer but it's last minute and they're all working or already busy.

So I'm faced with the choice of cancelling and resheduling for a month or so's time or taking him and hoping it doesn't all go Pete Tong.

I know I made a choice to not have childcare for him but this is kind of an emergency, am I being unreasonable to be really hurt and pretty pissed off?

Oh and for a bit of background, dh's sister, husband and 1 year old also live with the in laws and are fully financially supported by them and sister in law also doesn't work but has mil cook all their meals and at least two hour of childcare from her a day. I know this doesn't have anything to do with our situation per se but it's adding to my annoyance.

It was late when I posted, so I am sorry I have no idea what autocorrect meant when it chose Wimbeldon. (WTAF?) I'm fairly sure that it was not flattering, though. Your husband's family sounds like mine. I'm an Aussie who has moved with husband and 3 kids to the Netherlands and I'm not even sure it's far enough away from the damage my mother would still like to inflict with her negative, judgemental and controlling behaviour. (Undiagnosed but case-book Narcissistic Personality Disorder) My younger brother is 42 and has never worked. He is married (to a female version of himself), they are both on full benefits and my mother pays their rent, bills, buys new cars, insures them, etc..... Even buys his cigarettes which in Australia cost nearly $40 per packet......Although he is basically a waste of oxygen, the sun shines out of his arse while I get nothing but criticism. Professional advice on how to deal with these people is to get them the fuck out of your life.
Easier said than done, right?
I imagine that your MIL thinks she's a pillar of the community. You could use that to manipulate her. Just get better at her games. Good luck with it all!!!

Much though I agree with most of Justilou's post, I don't agree with the last bit. The reason being that, if your MIL etc. do have NPD or anything like it, then you Will Not Win at any game. This is because you have feelings, you have a conscience, and you cannot stoop as low as they can AND will, to beat them. They will lie through their teeth, in your faces if necessary, and they will BELIEVE THEIR OWN LIES - because that's how they work.

So you tell MIL's friends that she wouldn't help you and she'll twist it into you always asking for so much, never standing on your own feet, she has given so much, been so generous but there comes a time when you have to help by being harsh, and that's where she's at now. You will come out of it looking like a PITA leech, who's always begging for stuff/help - and she will look like the long-suffering person who has done Too Much Already and just couldn't give Any More.

Not worth it. The ONLY thing that works with NPD people is to deprive them of the oxygen that is the reaction they get - just don't have one. Don't contact them. Don't talk about them, or to them. They thrive on the fight, the emotion, the damage - starve them of the opportunity.

Thumbwitches is probably right, but if you need help it may work as a one-off. Getting off the island is a much better idea!

She really DOES think she's a pillar of the community. That's the joke/annoying thing!

She cooks dinners for the local church, helps out with various local charities etc etc. And makes such a song and dance of it all.

When I had my miscarriage her reason for not coming over to take ds for a few hours so dh and I could grieve a little together rather than me be upstairs on my own for days (ashamed to say I couldn't bear ds around me for some reason, and am still nursing him and REALLY couldn't bear that more than necessary) was that she had to prepare for cooking the community dinner a few days later.

I was taking to dh about it this morning and he said she has his HUGE chip on her shoulder about how hard she had it and how her parents were so unsupportive of her marriage and didn't help with her children and had no help.

Dh has been working 5.30am to 10pm most days with the occasional 5.30am to 2am thrown in with no day off for the last few weeks. When he told her this (she asked, they also have a thin about how he should work harder) she said "stop whining about it that's life!"

Yet as I've said before sil's husband works occasional, minimal hours taking months off at a time so that's horseshit.

I think sil at least is feeling a little guilty. But mil must have some personality disorder.

Justilou I'm sorry that must be so hurtful.

Also just remembering how dh used to moan about his first wife being so rude to his family. It got to the point where she'd refuse to go to dinner with them. And there was me assuming she was the mean one......

Bummy sounds as though she has a form for this, there was a good reason as to why his ex was rude to his family.

It will serve her well to remember that charity begins at home. A right royal hypocrite, and further from being a true Christian as you can get! I would have nothing more to do with her, she is utterly toxic and vile. Now you know where you stand with her, she can also do well to remember how she treated you in your time of need, will come round to her.

Also just remembering how dh used to moan about his first wife being so rude to his family. It got to the point where she'd refuse to go to dinner with them. And there was me assuming she was the mean one..... Yeah there's at least one other possibility now isn't there?

Question: Was MIL influential in splitting them up? Because it sounds to me like your husband is mentally / emotionally under her thumb, desperate for her approval. If it came down to a choice, his wife or his mother .... who would he have chosen?

You've got a MIL problem, but the thing you really need now is to have your DH on side. Because if he is moaning about his ex - wife being rude .... He's not even begun to see clearly. This is serious, refusing to help in the case of a miscarriage and a burst cyst :/

Yes perhaps his Ew-W saw the light and realised shipping out was the only way forward

Bummy- I know this sounds strange, but I live so far away and have a fabulous husband, so (most of the time) it's funny now. (My little family here seems to consist of people who like each other - it's soooo much easier!)

If your Monster in Law makes such a big deal about "doing" things for the church, then that's your foot in the door to shaming her. Put your name on the list of people who need assistance. She'd be mortified!!!

These people always have to be the hero of everyone's story. They honestly have no idea that they are usually the complete opposite of their self-image. (Which is actually a very fragile construction to try and hide the fact that they really have no genuine self-identity) She will not change. You can't have a working relationship with this woman because she has already assigned you a role that you will be forced into playing (either in real life or in the lies she inevitably tells people). Your husband has been playing the role of the scapegoat for so long, and if you're not careful, could help perpetuate the cycle with your little guy.
There are some fabulous resources on the net about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Might be empowering and enlightening to read up on the family pathology and to see what you think you might want to do about it. There is one particular one to do with children of parents with NPD that I found to be really helpful.

Put your name on the list of people who need assistance

Genius!!!

Yes, Genius !

This is very bad. I've helped acquaintances in this sort of circ without a second thought as would most decent people.

Oh.my.God. She just called and left a very pathetic sounding message on the house phone answer machine saying how she's called me several times and doesn't know why I'm not picking up. Also said how she has a bad cold now and ds must have given it to her.

Before I was upset, now I am spitting feathers.

She has NOT called once. I have caller id and check it regularly. When she said she'd called a few times I went back and checked- nothing. She was clearly doing it either for the benefit of people listening or dh. Trying to make ME look like the bad guy! I knew this would happen.

And as for moaning ds gave her a cold? I wish he'd given her the fucking plague.

Beyond pissed. Things were bad enough but then she tries to turn it into me being the one in the wrong.

Dh just copped a mouthful. Luckily ds was around so I tempered it otherwise there'd have been furniture flying.

I was in two minds of what to do before that phone call but ironically she's helped me no end.

Thanks Justilou. I'll look it up. After I've looked up massive cockwombling c$*t.

And there it is. The lies and justification have already started - so anything you say now about how she wouldn't help will be met with "but she was so worried that she couldn't help you because she had a cold, that YOUR son gave her!! How could you be so unkind? Of course she would have helped if she could, she obviously does all the time!"

She's a cunning bitch. She's pre-empted you. However, I do think putting your name on the church "requires assistance" list might still be a fun thing to do. And then move the hell off the island.

Disengage.

Tempting as the church list may be, it could backfire on you. If you think they will genuinely help fine, but I suspect if you do it just to get back at her, things will get twisted around again to make you look bad, ungrateful etc.

You already knew at the start of this that you couldn't rely on her to help out in a crisis.

As someone upthread said, develop your own separate support network so you don't need her - don't go begging favours again and give her the power over you to refuse or not. Don't end up feeling obliged and beholden to her because just once she did do something for you. Assume she won't help, ask someone else and move on - if you never hold out hope she'll do you a favour she can never disappoint you!

The latest development of twisting things around is disturbing. I hope your husband realizes what's going on and doesn't believe her stories. Personally I'd be going very low contact and my child would not be left unsupervised with her - so she'd be no use to me as a babysitter anyway, emergency or not. What you choose to do is your call and I guess depends on your husband's take on things, how keen he is to support you.

Good luck.

I hope your husband realizes what's going on and doesn't believe her stories.

He has already kissed goodbye to one wife because of his mother, what are the chances that he will realise who the common denominator is? No, he will buy into his mothers version that neither woman was good enough for him. Better for the OP to back away from a futile battle and win the war by reclaiming her life and self respect.

Bogeyface you may be right - but OP has the voicemail message and the evidence from caller ID that MIL had not been trying to call her. OP shouldn't need evidence, her word should be enough, but she has evidence, so I wonder what her husband makes of it.........you're right though, he did side with his mother against his first wife by the sound of things

Cockwomble! That's what autocorrect decided should be Wimbledon!!!
I'd love to know what audience she was performing for when she claimed to have rung you. (Don't suppose your husband was visiting mummy, was he?)
Your husband is cruising for a nervous or physical breakdown trying to please this evil old bag. If he doesn't see this, it needs to be spelled out. I'd definitely be asking questions about wife no 1, and gently suggesting that this could be a pattern.
Does he see the disparity between the way his sister and her husband are treated and the way you are? How does he feel about the house he built at great expense (time, other employment, family time) not being good enough?
Honestly, the last place you need to be is trapped on an island with someone with NPD. You will be questioning yourself before too long.
If you are being scapegoated by MIL then it's likely your son will be too - if not now, then when he's old enough to have his own opinions on things.
The best way to have a relationship with this woman is via Skype...
"Hang on... Ou're..... Eaking.... Up..... Oodbye"

The caller ID on our landline has a feature that lets you delete calls - so if e.g. my mum rang yesterday but I didn't want DH to know for whatever reason, I could delete her number from the list of calls recently received.

This is not a feature I use, and I don't imagine the OP is using a similar feature on her phone if her phone has a feature like this, but it's the sort of feature someone like OPs MIL could twist into a "she's pretending I didn't call because she's a great big meany" story.

Can you point out that your caller ID
Shows she phoned once, so maybe she's been ringing the wrong number?

In your shoes I would give them minimal time and attention. I would aim to build solid good friends of all ages and possibly even adopt a grandparent for DS. There will be some grandparent figure who you can all connect with and who will really enjoy being apart of your lives.

How can you start to build up friendships on the island? Is there anyone you like

My in laws figure very little in our lives. We are polite but my family is my friends. They are my support, along with DH

Good grief. What a piece of work. What's your DH's view on this?