To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

Very difficult.
I am a mum of all adult sons, and a mother in law twice.
Son 1 ( lives abroad with wife) rarely calls, occasional text in reply to mine. He has said he just doesn't have the need as an adult to be constantly in touch, no rift at all and I have just had to get used to that being how he is. Nothing to do with his wife, she is not responsible for reminding him to call etc. they see more of her family just because my DIL wants to see her family more often.
Son 2 ( also lives abroad with wife) completely different. Face times every single week to chat with family here. Again it is not his wife's responsibility, he chooses to call frequently.
Son 3 and 4live locally, work long hours, call infrequently but again no rift or reasons for not calling in very often.
It is really really hard (for me anyway) being the mother of adult sons. Hard to always get it right re expectations of contact etc. I try very hard not to upset any applecarts and would hate them to feel I was pestering them for more of their time. I would also be horrified if I had not been welcoming enough like some of the posters are suggesting.
However, my husbands adult children (girls by the way!) all live locally and we see them several times a week. It just shows that everyone is different.

Re being close to sons.
I would be embarrassed if anyone thought I wasn't close to my sons, not round the other way.

Op I think you need to change your outlook & actions also. My dh moved countries to 5 mins from my parents but my parents have always kept in touch & been eager to have us & babysit. Other than church things they don't go out & have a sedate life.

My in laws otoh, enjoy going abroad & away for nights & weekends etc but hardly ever get in touch. I know they love us but when we go to visit, (using all our holiday leave from work to visit), they make throwaway comments about dc being tiring or where they could have been out to that weekend! It's not deliberate but we need to be so careful to make more of an effort if relationships are strained as its too easy for resentment to set in.

Like pp says, a text saying thinking of you both & catch up soon is a nice idea. Also, you could start reading up on fertility treatment - there's a board on here. They may be touched that you've made the effort to try to understand what they're going through. I know I would & it could warm your relationship somewhat. Maybe include her parents in an invite & try to have some fun. Don't sweat it & good luck

I would be embarrassed if anyone thought I wasn't close to my sons, not round the other way.

You might be embarrassed, personally, but socially it's not embarrassing IYKWIM

I mean if you were to say it to colleagues etc you'ld probably get a load of nods and "yeah well… sons"
Whereas to openly say "I'm a mother and I'm not close to my daughter" - people find that more shocking!

I know, trust me! I'm not close to my mum and it shocks people
I am close to my dad.
I know people who are close to their mum and not to their dad and they lecture me about "the only mother you've got you should cherish her" yet they themselves rarely see their own fathers, so you'ld think they'ld get it.

My PIL both died before DP and I got back together four years ago so I've not seen them since 1987 but I adored them both. His mum disapproved of me when we were together first time round but that was because of the age gap between me and dp rather than not liking me. His dad was lovely and I regret not having time with both of them in later years when I know I would have got on great with them both. Dp was very close to his parents.

I see my parents now and then, they don't live far away but spend more time with my sister and look after her son. Pretty much the same as you op, too busy with one dc to worry about the other. So we have an ok relationship but I wouldn't say I'm close to my parents although I'm making a huge effort to phone and text more often and try to arrange time with them. My sister preferred it when I lived 500 miles away and had them to herself.

You need to be more approachable, seems like you are unforthcoming & detached. You are jealous of the comfortable relationship your son has with DIL's family. Relax & don't be so judgemental.

Thanks for the messages. I'll take it All on board.

One final thing, just so I'm not going mad...is it unreasonable to expect son and DIL to alternate Xmas with us and her family?

No its not unreasonable, but it does require you to make them feel welcome. We are made to feel unwelcome and an inconvenience. We have had invites to them to come to us thrown back in our face as they refuse to be away from home at Christmas.

We make the effort to see them as close to Christmas as possible but we have to start planning in September as SIL refuses to commit and it all revolves around her!

Have you actually invited them? What is Christmas like in your house, is it a big thing?

One final thing, just so I'm not going mad...is it unreasonable to expect son and DIL to alternate Xmas with us and her family?

If you don't really have a precident of spending christmases with that adult DS prior to his mentioning attempts to concieve a new grandchild then kinda, ya!

Why now? if you haven't before?

They DO see you at Christmas time

What do you usually do for Christmas?

It is mostly a question of being fair to both sets of parents. There are things like distance and working and not working to be taken into account but gross differences are not good.
Special times such as Christmas or Birthdays should either involve both sets of parents being invited or it being turn about.
Expecting one set of parents to provide money and services while the other parents are the ones visited and have "fun" with is very unfair.

Not a big thing at all (comparatively with DILs family) but it would be nice if they came. Also we will have our other son and his children here this year.

One final thing, just so I'm not going mad...is it unreasonable to expect son and DIL to alternate Xmas with us and her family?

YES, when you don't put in the effort the rest of the time! You seem to think they owe you the same time as her parents get, as if they are a timeshare with rules. Thats not how it works.

The trouble is Tessie that life is not always fair and allocated in equal timeslots so, while alternate Christmases might be nice, it is probably too much to expect when they are so much closer to her family.

I would try building the relationship up first

Oh the Xmas thing. I have decided to let it go. Just let them do whatever they want, whilst letting them know your home is always available. My eldest son hasn't spent Xmas with me for ten years as he wants to be with his wife who wants to see her family on Xmas day. Upsetting for me at first but I'm over it. We FaceTime and they visit sometime before or after Xmas.
It's just a day, there is no normal or usual, everyone's different has to become a mantra.
I've seen how some of my friends have made things difficult by "insisting" on their adult children spending Xmas with them. Guaranteed to cause problems.

My MIL could have written this. In fact, I'm not convinced that you're not her...! Here is my response, either way.

DH and I spend a lot more time with my family because it is easy. We enjoy each other's company and feel able to relax. We make a big effort to spend time with ILs but don't really enjoy it as there always seems to be some agenda - competitive cake making, asking when we last saw my mum, general walking on eggshells. It doesn't make for family fun...

I really hope that you sort this out as you seem so sad about it. Try not to compare their relationship with you with what they have with anyone else, just enjoy their company, relax, show an interest and have some fun together.

That's not what I'm saying at all. I don't mind them seeing her family (obviously) but maybe it would even it out in my mind if we saw them on Xmas day?

And on the Christmas thing... Yes, it's unreasonable to expect them to alternate. They can spend Christmas wherever they damn well like.

Totally agree adulting. My sisters ml finds her much easier than her own daughter and they have a much closer relationship. Less socially acceptable to be open about less than ideal mother / daughter relationships....

You are blessed if you genuinely enjoy your families company. Dh will suggest meeting up with my parents if we haven't seen them for a few weeks. They are funny, interesting, engaging with legions of their own friends. Dh parents are a bi annual duty call. Stilted and talk about the weather. It is sad really.

I do realise that I'm MASSIVELY projecting on this thread

But here's the thing:

If your relationship with your adult child prior to them settling down and thinking babies isn't that close, and you've been okay with that so far, you can't really jump in and expect to be in the bosom of their new family once they do think about settling & babies.

Because by then, they'll have built a new support system, new Christmas traditions with other people, a new "family" structure basically..

And…… well……..if you suddenly want to be closer/more involved, after not doing so for their adult life up to that point.. well, it doesn't really work that way I'm afraid. There'll be people who they have been consitantly close to who of course will take priority.

And when/if kids come, it'll be only natural that the support system they built when you were plodding along being not so close so far, will be the people who will see most of their kids.

It is now yes. It's a bit late for you to pipe up and stamp your foot about wanting things to be fair and equal. They have probably sorted how they spend their christmas's, I suspect you have never invited them so they have gone ahead and made their plans.

Same as mine again, MIL has never ever wanted us for Christmas. Never even brought it up. There has sometimes been a get together around Christmas which we have gone to but she likes her Christmas's the way she does them. The day will come when it will change and I'm not going to suddenly cancel our usual plans because she may demand equal time.

Getting in touch to say hi, mention something you read/watched on TV which might be of personal interest to them, invite to dinner, or suggest a fun outing, is not imposing. My DH gets so upset he never hears from his parents, and I just know it's because my MIL thinks she is imposing when she calls. But it's crazy because she really misses him. Get involved and try to stop worrying and being self-conscious if you can. Good luck!

hat's not what I'm saying at all. I don't mind them seeing her family (obviously) but maybe it would even it out in my mind if we saw them on Xmas day?

I realise that this is the THIRD time I've said this but:

People do not have a fixed quota of days they spend with family.

You don't get more if the ILs get less.

They don't NOT see you on Christmas day because they're "taken" with the ILs. They don't see you on Christmas day because they don't want to see you on Christmas day. Maybe that's because they like the boxing day thing, or maybe it's because they just don't find your more formal family vists "Christmassy", I don't know,

But either way, really, you need to STOP thinking that any less time with the ILs will result in more time with you. - it's not a "them or us" thing

If anything, I'ld imagine, if they did take a year off from x-mas day with the ILs, it'ld probably be to have a "just us" Christmas

That's not what I'm saying at all. I don't mind them seeing her family (obviously) but maybe it would even it out in my mind if we saw them on Xmas day?

Why? Would you be more maternal on Xmas day? Would your husband stop thinking of DS as "not really his son" as you said earlier? Would it be an enjoyable day all round?

Re: Xmas. It depends. If you're not bothered whether they spend Xmas with you then keep the status quo. If you are bothered, then tell them that you'd like to alternate it. They're not mind readers and if you've never told them then don't expect them to just know.

It's hard. My DM has always said that she doesn't care for Christmas and if I don't want to be there then don't. But it's hardly joyous and I feel bad for taking my DP there with that atmosphere. But if I don't go then she'd be alone and I couldn't bear that. It doesn't mean that I want to be there - just that it's less of a burden to choose her over what I want to do. This sounds terrible but ONE DAY I will spend Christmas Day doing what I want to do. How that comes about may be under sad circumstances, but it will also be a relief from feeling pushed and pulled. Then again, I might be dead before I get a good Christmas Day doing what I want. It's fucking horrible and I'm glad I don't have children - they are constantly pulled to pieces in order to keep everyone happy, yet never do. Expectations are shit.