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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

457 replies

TessieMec · 11/07/2016 18:44

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 11/07/2016 23:07

Why are you so determined that things have to be even? They are people with minds of their own. They don't have to list all the times they spend with DILs family and make sure it is equal to yours. If they want to spend Christmas with DILs family, they aren't obligated to spend the next one with you because you want it to be even.

You sound really jealous of DILs family, and that is your issue alone to sort out. Nothing to do with your poor DIL.

Original poster
TessieMec · 11/07/2016 23:08

I never said my husband doesn't see son as 'his son'

OP posts:
OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 11/07/2016 23:09

One final thing, just so I'm not going mad...is it unreasonable to expect son and DIL to alternate Xmas with us and her family?

Yes. It's unreasonable to expect them to spend Christmas in any way other than how they choose, just like they'd be unreasonable to expect you to spend Christmas their way.

Let them have their own Christmases ffs. My ILs were getting like this last year and in the end we said screw it, we're not hauling DD across the country on Christmas day, we'll spend Christmas at our home and if people want to see us, they'll travel.

My parents travelled, my ILs didn't. You get out what you put in when it comes to relationships.

joellevandyne · 11/07/2016 23:09

maybe it would even it out in my mind if we saw them on Xmas day?

Now I'm really confused. All this can be solved if they agree to show up at your place on a particular day once every two years? Then you'll be happy? How will that change anything at all about your relationship?

Original poster
TessieMec · 11/07/2016 23:10

I give up.

OP posts:
AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 11/07/2016 23:10

more projecting: But Christmasses weren't very "Christmassy" in my house growing up. There'ld be a tree and all the motions of Christmas…lots of things you had to do "Because it's Christmas" but it was a bit stale

I LOVE how "Christmassy" Christmas is at the ILs, all the cousins running about, lots of love and laughter…

We've given Christmas at the ILs a miss a good few times, especially since having the DCs, but those times we've spend at home just us or away with friends once. The non ILs Christmases didn't suddenly make Christmas with my mum appealing!

WhitePhantom · 11/07/2016 23:11

Have you ever invited them to spend Christmas day with you?

ElizabethLemon · 11/07/2016 23:14

What a depressing thread.

Make an effort with your son instead of sulking and blaming others for the poor relationship you have created.

If you want them to come for Christmas ring them and ask them.
Or even better, make an effort to meet up with them and ask them then.

Aerfen · 11/07/2016 23:15

Maybe they don't want to bother you because you're so busy with your grandchildren? Maybe the thinking behind them moving near her parents was that you wouldn't be able to help much when their children came along because of your other son's children?

This has crossed my mind too.
Tessie Mec have you considered that your eldest son maybe feels you are more interested in his younger brother, who has produced grandchildren for you, than you are in him, while his in laws take a huge interest in their daughter and him?

I can understand your jealousy but it is you and your son who need to sort this out, as naturally your DIL prefers to be with her own family, that is normal. Show more interest in both of them, by inviting them over and ringing regularly, especially your son, and dont spend the conversation talking about the 'other' grandchildren! Wink

Lilacpink40 · 11/07/2016 23:17

I can imagine that it hurts when you want more attention, but can you be happy for their happiness as a couple?

Maybe go to counselling to address your needs. Alternatively, find new hobbies and spend time with other family members.

Also, what could you do to actively support your son and DIL, rather than judging them?

The latter could bring them closer to you.

ssd · 11/07/2016 23:19

I dont know why the op is getting so much crap here, some of you really need to get a grip

I feel for you op, it sounds pretty hurtful to feel your son doesnt care enough about you to keep in touch much or to come over alternative Christmasses

that would hurt and having boys, this scares me

I think you need to pick up the phone and force yourself to be a bit more involved with them and see if more contact comes naturally, although I suspect things wont change too much, as your DIL's family just seem to have cornered them...

but at least you can say you tried

APomInOz · 11/07/2016 23:20

I haven't read every message, but my first impression of the OP is that you don't make an effort to find out stuff, you think they should come to you and contact you. Perhaps if you showed more interest in what they were doing, they would include you more, they just may feel that you aren't overly interested but her parents are. And yes, I prefer my family over DH!

lottiegarbanzo · 11/07/2016 23:20

It's all about expectations with you, not enjoyment. Duties, rights, expectations. Concepts of what you can demand from them, what you perceive they owe you.

Not what you want to give, create, enjoy for and with them.

Not how you can encourage, develop, nurture - work at, in a positive way - your relationship with them.

What's the incentive for them to come to you? Why would they want to and choose to? Are you able to try to think about that from their point of view? So what could you do to make that idea feel more attractive to them?

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 11/07/2016 23:21

you also haven't answered what you usually do for Christmas / have done in the past

So it's harder to answer

For e.g. if "your" christmasses are very centred around your other son's kids, and your DIL and Son are struggling with IVF - think about the timing!

evelynj · 11/07/2016 23:22

I think Christmas is way down the line here-how many years have they been to her parents?

It's just one day & I hate that people get so obsessive with it. If you decide to approach it, (like months down the line when you're relationship is easier), try to be breezy & say something like 'we'd love it if you could come for Christmas but we won't be mortally offended if you don't, we understand it's not easy to please everybody ' -well something better than that but my point is that as adults even though they're family they don't owe you anything so try to treat them as equals & just be supportive-that's what most of us want from our loved ones.

fanniboz · 11/07/2016 23:26

My first thought reading your post is that you not wanting to pry is coming across as being disinterested. I see you're busy with daily life but maybe in the evening drop a text to your son, ask how IVF is going, etc. I think their relationship with DiL's family is irrelevant and really it's probably due to them being more in touch and 'there' for them

TattyCat · 11/07/2016 23:30

Quite honestly, I think that parent/child relationships are the biggest PITA ever. Other creatures get it right - they nurture their offspring and then send them off to fend for themselves. Why can't people do that? Why are humans the only species that have this need to continue an emotional relationship until death? Is that progressive or stifling?

I think animals have the right idea, quite honestly. It's just reproduction and that's what life is about. Name me another species on the planet who nurture a lifelong relationship (ok, Swans, apparently, but it's a short lifespan!!) and then tell me why it matters so much?

ssd · 11/07/2016 23:36

jesus TattyCat, what the hell's that all about?

whats wrong with continuing an emotional relationship until death, what are we meant to do, kick them out at 18 and forget all about them?

weirdest flippin post I've seen in a long time

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 11/07/2016 23:36

I think you might have a point Tatty.

It's amazing when family become friends.. and in adulthood the friendship with the parent takes over from the biological ties of childhood

…… but then there's the other kind, the unsatisfying duty relationships that drag on till death at best, at worst, breed resentment because nobody wants to walk away from a relationship where you're not friends, but you think you should be because you're related!

SpringerS · 11/07/2016 23:38

Elephants, several species of whales, numerous other primates.

SpringerS · 11/07/2016 23:40

4 legged granny in action.

AdultingIsNotWhatIExpected · 11/07/2016 23:41

When it works it's great, no doubt there is a lot of value in family being there for each other long after they need to in order to survive childhood…

but what about when people just don't enjoy each other?

MissMargie · 11/07/2016 23:45

If you take life seriously and there is perhaps tension between the 2DSs then they aren't going to beat a path to your door.
Can you think of a fun day to arrange- maybe bbq, or meet somewhere they'd find interesting, or call on them on your own?
I'm not a bundle of laughs but dc s visit to see their siblings, which prob doesn't work for you.

goingtotown · 11/07/2016 23:46

tattycat Have you been hurt by children in the past? You sound bitter.

MissMargie · 11/07/2016 23:47

And I don't worry too much when DCs arrive at xmas so as long as I see them