To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

And why is the fertility treatment such a pivotal thing in this?

Is it that perhaps.. were there not potential grandchildren in the pipelines.. that maybe you'ld be quite happy to plot along with your slightly more formal family dynamics with your son and DIL?

How long has it bothered you that you aren't "friendly" with them? Only since the mention of grandkids? Or have you always wanted everyone on your side to be closer and more fun?

I'm wondering if you actually just want to be well placed to be in potential grandkid's lives, as opposed to actually wanting to see more of your son and DIL in their own right?

Oh and my MIL's reaction to being told I was pregnant didn't help - the instant response was don't expect any babysitting!

This makes me very glad that my parents are adults who realize that expecting a 50/50 time split between them and my inlaws is a) impossible, b) ridiculous and c) not something they are magically owed by me and my husband.

I'm also glad my MIL and husband communicate directly with each other rather than assuming it's somehow my job.

In my experience couples tend to be closer to the woman's family because daughters seem to be closer to their Mum. I know this isn't the case for everyone but it is common for this to happen.
I don't think your daughter in law is doing anything wrong, she is just close to her family.
I think you need to speak to your son about meeting up more regularly. You could arrange some fun activities for you to all do together.

Rightio so as usual the MIL is in the wrong and DIL is right Topiary?

And the real key players in this: they dutiful but distant step dad, and the OPs actual son, have nothing to do with it/no say? It's all about the DIL even though the OP admits that their own family aren't all that close?

You can't just suddenly want a close relationship with your son just because there's a potentially breeding DIL in the picture, if the relationship with the son was always a bit on the formal side in the first place. That's on the OP and her own family/family's dynamics.

You should invite them to you for Christmas and ask about their fertility treatment.

Holy shit, you should not!

why not pick up the phone and ask about the treatment? The warmth is what's missing here. You feel hurt, you're blaming the wrong target which is understandable if wrong, instead of withdrawing, treat the struggle they're going through to have a baby as something to bring you closer. Texting to ask your son about fertility treatment seems a bit cold to me, and I always prefer text and emails to proper conversations but some things call for it.

treat the struggle they're going through to have a baby as something to bring you closer.

What the????
use their fertility struggles to get your shoe in the door OP, THAT'S not going to be a nail in the coffin at all

YABVU.

It is nothing to do with your DIL, it is your son who could do more to keep in touch, he doesn't and I don't blame him tbh. You spend time with his brother, your DH doesn't sound that bothered about him at all, you have couple time, you have your DGC, you don't ask after him, you seem to resent their life together tbh. I'm sure he has picked up on all of this. I'd love to hear his side of the story.

Just because he confided in the fertility treatment (which does not mean IVF) doesn't mean they have to keep you updated.

If you want to be more involved, pick up the phone and make some bloody effort. You sound like my Mil, whine whine whine, me me me, when do you have time for me, when she puts sod all effort into a relationship with us and has made it quite clear in the past that we were after her DH on her list of priorities (not DH's dad) and resented anyone cutting in on her couple time, son or not.

I like the sound of the relationship between your son, DIL and her parents. I hope I have this when mine are older. It sounds like he can be himself and let his hair down and he is more uptight around you. Given you weren't nurturing and aren't close, I'm not surprised he isn't that relaxed around you.

Havent RTFT but it seems like you don't want to be a close family. You view it as 'living in each others pockets' which is a very negative way to describe the way they are. If you want to have a closer relationship you need to make the effort, doesn't sound like you are - for whatever reason.

You are jealous. That is your issue to deal with, and yours alone.

Very U.

I would much rather spend time with my in laws.

We live closer to them. We enjoy their company. It feels like being with friends. Visiting my family feels like a chore. It's not the travelling. It's the mental drain and they way I feel after visiting them.

It's not pleasant. It has nothing to do with family relationships. Treat them as friends if you can. Meet them half way. And when you do meet, be fun (if you can), accommodating and less formal.

I feel sorry for son and dil.

well, I didn't tell people about the infertility issues we had if I didn't want to talk to them about it. Her DS told her, he didn't have to. I'd certainly say it warranted a follow-up conversation, personally. If my DD or DS told me something like that, I wouldn't just ignore it until I got 'happy news'.

Haha typical MIL. Blames the DIL for everything. What a joke. I wouldn't dream of talking to my mil about my fertility. Ask your son for any details.

OH and my own mother found our status quo of once a month duty phone calls and a few face to face meet ups a year very convenient for her back when I was single

Once I had kids she seemed put out if she wasn't regularly updated.. but of course stuff doesn't pop un in conversation with someone you don't have regular flowing conversations with anyway.

I could chat for hours with MIL, so of course she hears more about the kids

Stuffy phone calls with my mother don't "flow", She asks me how work is, I ask her how her heath issues are, we both lie and say "fine" (as we have done since as long as I remember) and then one of us finds an excuse to put the phonecall out of its misery…

… then she looks put out when MIL mentions something (usually trivial, like a best friend's name) about the kids that she doesn't know….

I don't know if she blames MIL or not.
She shouldn't.
It's nothing to do with MIL, it's all to do with her, and specifically the precident of the relationship she didn't built with me over the years before I had kids when it suited her to spend christmasses on holiday with her boyfriend

I haven't RTFT, only your OP. You sound like my MIL a bit, our situation is very similar but just a few details are different. We live on the next street to my mum and same street as my sister. I am very close to them as is my partner. We are also close to his parents but in a different way. My family are more "friendly" and his are more traditional in terms of relationships, they don't talk about their feelings and do hide things from eachother a lot. There isn't anything wrong with that, if that's what they all want. I think if you want something to change then you need to try and talk with your son. It is up to you and him to maintain your relationship. I don't think it would make a difference if she was estranged from her family, as I think if you felt secure in your own relationship with DS then it wouldn't bother you. Do you feel
able to talk to him about this? I do sympathise with you and hope you can improve things as I think it will help all involved.

I held my breath reading the OP because I thought I may be the DIL in question but some differences mean it's not me thank god!

OP, my MIL lives 3 hours away. My DM lives 5 minutes away. MIL has her own life and enjoys the freedom of having adult DC. She calls twice a month. I get on very well with her in a friendly way, we're very different and she's nice. But she's not my mum. We see my mum almost weekly - she and my dad contact me regularly (and I reciprocate). We all make the effort.
I'm happy with my relationship with my parents and DH is happy with his relationship with his DM. I would hope MIL never resents me for this - I am not the reason she doesn't see DH very often, he is! If he arranged to meet up etc I will always tag along, but I don't arrange it for them.

If you want to change the relationship you have with him, take him out (ideally on his own), and tell him this, ask him if he would be happy to change things up with you?!

What's the saying - the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results....

Hi - dont often reply to messages although I enjoy a good read.

Not commenting personally on your situation, but Ive noticed and often discussed with friends the 'maternal' link where girls often gravitate their families towards their mother. Is this purely the biological link? I know my mum rarely sees / hears from my brother lives 5 mins away but they spend a lot of time at his MiLs house ie Sunday lunch etc. its not a personal issue, I think its just how it is. My two sisters and I see our parents much more regularly - my sisters go every sunday for tea - we used to but mums smoking became too much with the foster family.
The treatment side etc my husband and I have done - we initially didnt tell anyone, until an event meant we had to! Once people knew I felt under a great deal of pressure a) to keep them in the know (resented this) and b) for it to work although I had no control of this (didnt work).
I get on very well with my MiL - much better than my own mum (who loved us but wasnt overly maternal) - however I choose to make the effort to see my parents.
Personally id try and make contact with a more regular brief phone call. I wouldnt mention the treatment for first few calls - make it general/friendly. once calls are set up you can just mention 'i know it must be stressful but I hope everything is going ok with your treatment' and leave it at that. If they want you to know it gives them the chance to tell you.

You sound exactly like my mil, very similar situation. The fact is they make no effort with me, my dh or our young children. When we visit conversation is stilted, we have nothing in common.

I see it as my dhs responsibility to maintain a relationship whereas they expect me to send cards etc because I'm the woman. I would love to have a nice relationship with them and the big happy family but it's not going to happen.

Try and make an effort you may be pleasantly surprised.

Not sure about the cliche that girls gravitate towards their mothers. Mil uses that as the reason why both her sons prefer to spend time with their wives families. Much less painful for her than examining the real reasons.

Both my sisters have brilliant fun mils they enjoy spending time with. They visit their in laws on their own with kids on occasion when their dhs away. Both spend time 50 / 50 between the two families and alternate Christmas.

Hell would freeze over before I would voluntarily visit ils without Dh. Mil is cold, dull and very formal. She never smiles. The only thing that cheers her up is other people's holiday s going wrong. She has been vile to Dh. Her view is that you can treat your children as you want because they are your children. She never helps with kids, the one time we needed her she pulled out and dropped us right in it. She was spectacularly unsympathetic when I had dd2 but her own and fils minor health issues seen as drastically important.

I'm really sorry Op but you come across exactly like my MIL.

Frankly we have come to the conclusion she just doesn't care enough to bother - so we don't either.

You are his mother, you should be harassing or being nosy. Especially as you live so far away.

Dont moan, do something about it woman. Its not too late.

IMO there are just as many mothers who aren't close to their daughters.. but it's much more socially acceptable in Granny peer groups to complain about poor relationships with their sons (because that usually = DIL's fault), than to admit to having a shit relationship with their daughters.. because that's not met with "ooo DILs can be difficult " nods.

If you're not close to your daughter, that might indicate that something went wrong with your own family's dynamics. Whereas, if you're not close to a son and there's a convenient DIL scapegoat you don't have to own any repsonsibiliy for your own family not being as close and loving as others at all!

So it's less bragged talked about.. but no less common, not in my SUBSTANTIAL anecdotal peer research anyway

I genuinely think that a lot of mothers of adult children aren't really at all embarrassed to not be close to their sons, but would be mortified to admit to not being close to their daughters!

One is socially aceptable and even expected to some extent (sons), the other isn't
"a son is a son till he takes a wife, a daugther's a daughter for all of your life".. .and all that crap!