To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

Erm maybe she is close to her family and he likes spending time there?

Could it just be that simple?

And without meaning to sound rude I neither informed my mother OR MIL when we were trying to conceive. I can't understand how that's any of your business either?

IMO you feel hurt and left out. Have you ever told them?

I am slowly watching my MIL get bitter about not being the favourite set of parents. She has said it to us about BIL and his gf repeatedly about how they won't be as involved with the grandkids compared to her parents. She's ended up making it that way by holding back, and she too never texts and then says oh well I never hear from them..!

I've sent her messages before and she doesn't reply or says something a bit abrupt. She is a bit quirky. I am really struggling with her lately, to the point that we probably won't sit on the same table as any parents on our wedding day. I haven't got the time or energy to craft that relationship when, in my mind, DP can sort it out because she's his Mum. I will meet half way but I'm too tired of doing the running now. Towel = thrown. And I'm not even bothered if she resents me for it.

So often I see on here the assumption that women caretake the relationships for everyone in the extended family - their partner's parents and siblings as well as their own, because, like, having a vagina apparently makes it your job to phone up and ask about Tiddles and leg ulcers and remember everyone's birthdays. OP, it's not your DIL's job to legislate for precisely equal treatment of her parents and you - if you have an issue, it is with your son, who is presumably capable of picking up the phone, as are you. If you want things to change, rather than sitting around making passive-aggressive 'I don't want to intrude' remarks, then go for it.

Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked).

Why would she need to 'admit' that? It's hardly grand larceny. And why would you be asking 'directly'?

So your DIL is close to her family and now your son has become close to them too . You, however, are not close to your son and your husband isn't bothered. You judge your son for having changed as he's got older.

But you are resentful of your DILs close and loving family, you are jealous of the relationship your son has with them and so you are sulking.

How do you think this is going to work out long term ?

That your son will suddenly notice that he's not contacted your for months and come and visit ?

That your DIL will suddenly stop seeing her parents to make things " fair " in your eyes ?

Or that they will contact you less and less because you are difficult and awkward with them ?

Even after all the advice you have been given here, your only action is to send a text . And you have already decided that it's " beyond repair " .

Do you actually want a better relationship with your family, or do you just want to be a martyr ?

So you and your DH are closer to, and help out with, your other son who happens to be your DH's 'real' son.

Your eldest has obviously felt like he needs to build a family elsewhere.

This sounds like it's down to you and your husband's actions.

But you seem determined to blame your DIL for your shortcomings.

Tessie, do get in touch with them. But seriously, don't just text out of the blue asking how fertility treatment is going. Phone, have a chat, test the water a bit and ask only if the conversation allows it. Then keep in touch. I'm sure it has occurred to DIL that she sees more of her family than of you. Don't sit there smouldering about it, reach out and try and build a better relationship. This is about you and your son really, isn't it? You don't feel you have a close relationship with him because you weren't maternal and were short tempered. You obviously didn't stay with his biological dad long after he was born - was that an awful relationship? Did that make it hard for you to bond with the baby or something? But it's never too late to try and repair things, and maybe you will enjoy being a granny more than a mum. So, in case that happens, build some bridges.

or do you just want to be a martyr ?

I think it's a case of martyrdom. And there's plenty of that about.

Op, if you care then SHOW that you care by making an effort. That effort may not be reciprocated if this has gone on for a very long time, but if you care, then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

You sound like my mother op 🤔

Love/friendship isn't a finite quota,

If they liked being around your family, AND liked being around her family, they would be close to you both

Likewise, if they weren't close to your DILS family, that wouldn't magically make them like you and your family any more than they do now. You probably wouldn't hear from them or see them any more than you do now if her family didn't exist. Because you would be the same people as you are now, and obviously, you're just not that close a family who are also friends. Sounds like they love you, but more because you're family, than because they would chose you as friends if you weren't family

You're not a close family because you're not a close family, her family has nothing to do with it.

Please don't call your son/DIL to ask them how their fertility treatment is going. I am in their position, and it is hard enough to deal with without having to endure questions when you don't feel like talking. Tell your son that you're happy to listen if they want to talk but that you're not going to bring it up unless they do. Leave it at that. It will mean everything I promise.

Good luck

I've not read all the responses but you could be my MIL. We live near my parents, I see them several times every week and they look after our children. We go on holiday with them and spend Christmas with them.
We see my husbands family every 6 weeks or so. We go and stay for the weekend. We speak to them every week (maybe, not sure if DH calls them or not tbh).
When we first married I made a lot of effort and I still make the effort to take the children to visit in the holidays etc... (If I didn't then it wouldn't happen) But slowly over the years I've stopped trying so hard. As a consequence we don't have so much contact. When we had the kids I found I hadn't got the energy to worry about three families so I decided it was up to my husband to sort out HIS family. He is lazy about it so it doesn't happen. They also don't make as much effort as my family and so it goes on.
I suspect my MIL feels a bit left out but she's never said.
I do think your problem is really your relationship with your son. It is his responsibly to ensure that they see you. The IVF thing is very private but if you want to know you need to ask HIM. I would suspect that your son thinks that you're not that interested and that maybe you favour his sibling and their family.

OP if you'd have posted this in Gransnet instead of here you would have got a totally different perspective.

Didn't you realise that it would be mostly DIL's answering this thread!

Which is why it may be useful to the OP, rather than having a hundred posts agreeing that the DIL is somehow preventing the OP's son from phoning his mother and has strong-armed him into moving close to her parents, and is clearly a nasty piece of work.

What use would that be, other than confirming the OP in her sense that she's being hard done by?

How, on earth, is it your dil (seeing her own family) you take exception to, rather than your son. Makes no sense whatsoever.

^OP if you'd have posted this in Gransnet instead of here you would have got a totally different perspective.

Didn't you realise that it would be mostly DIL's answering this thread^

Well presumably most of gransnet posters have been DILs at some point?

Oh, you lot are on harsh form today. A lot of posters' views are coloured by negative relationships with their own in-laws, but I'm extremely lucky to have a very good relationship with my MIL (I am your son/DIL's age, btw - well maybe a bit older ).

This is my view: Tessie, I think I get it. You're a more reserved, formal parent than your DIL's parents but this doesn't mean you don't care deeply about him and your relationship with him and your DIL (and any potential grandchildren). I completely get what you say about not wanting to intrude - my own mother was (is) like this and I used to find it frustrating because I felt like it meant she didn't care. As I've got older I've realised that she does care, but she has an absolute horror of 'interfering' with my life, to the extent that she'd rather sit at home wishing she could see me and the kids than actually call me up. It's a combination of trying to keep a 'respectful' distance mixed in with a little bit (I think anyway - not sure that she'd admit it) of pride. I think it's a bit bonkers, but I do get it, and accept that's how she thinks. However, she's my mother, not my MIL and I do think that makes a difference.

Whatever your reasons for keeping your distance, I think you have to swallow your reservations/reluctance to interfere/pride/whatever it is that keeps you from just picking up the phone and getting in touch. Little by little, or they'll think you've gone loopy - don't suddenly call them every day asking for a pregnancy update ( I'm kidding - I'm sure you wouldn't), I just mean call them with very gently increasing frequency. Make small, gentle enquiries about things you'd like to know about even if you're worried about broaching 'personal' subjects. If you'd like them to come for Christmas - ASK. It's not easy, but it's the only way you're going to get anywhere, and the more you do it, the more you - and they - will become used to and comfortable with this new level of communication. You say it's too late, but I bet it isn't. Don't just give up if this is as important to you as it seems to be (others have criticised you for being cold, stand-offish etc but I wonder if that's just a protective mechanism, both on here and in real life).

And one more thing - you need to do this now before there are (grand)children on the scene, because life with babies and small children is crazy and they will have much less time (and emotional energy) to get in touch and build up a relationship with you - they'll be too busy doing it with their children. And trying to juggle the basics of everyday life - sleep, endless washing, juggling with work, etc - and they will end up gravitating even more towards DIL's parents.

I'm sure you can make progress here, but you're going to have to make the running, and maintain the effort for a while before it becomes a natural thing for you all. I wish you lots of luck.

I suspect your son suspects that you and your DH favour your other son and his family. You obviously are closer to them geographically and do a lot for them in terms of childcare. He probably senses a difference in the way your DH feels about him compared to his biological son.

Coupled with that, you don't come across well in what you have written here. You seem inclined to be resentful and jealous, to blame your DIL when this is not her fault or responsibility, to feel that they should be making the effort when you appear to be making none, etc

If you want to see them, call them, speak to the, invite them to stay, at least make some effort. Show them that you actually care because I suspect they feel that you don't.

(OP I'm hoping you haven't long ago run for the hills, btw - I wouldn't blame you if you had!)

When we married first we lived quite near my parents and two hours from inlaws. We didn't get to see them too often but when we did we were treated like royalty. They were always so happy to see us fussed over us and made us welcome. Even if you seldom see your ds make a fuss when they come. Bake a nice cake. Make up a nice cosy bed. We go where we are made welcome. Forget the cranky days. You have an opportunity here to start again especially before gk arrive. Text your ds little bits of news from home. Give him a call. Make no demands just chat, see how his job is going how dil is just little things. Invite them over. Forget the inlaws.. You are never going to see them as much as them but sounds like it's the other way around with your other ds and his family.
I can't stress enough to keep in touch. Talk to your dil when they're over about your ds and funny little things he did when he was little. Show her how proud you are of him.
You can do it. Knowing you can change things gives you power. Showing love never goes astray.

Didn't you realise that it would be mostly DIL's answering this thread!

Actually, I spend much more time with my MIL than my mother, because I like seeing my MIL, but with my own mother, it's more a case of "well, we haven't had her around in ages, I suppose we should give her a call.." .. out of duty rather than because it's really enjoyable/nice/fun when she comes over.

And if my MIL didn't exist, I still wouldn't particularly find my own mother "fun", and I wouldn't want see her more often.

Like I said, I don't have a finite quota, it's not as if I can only have X amt of friends and it's one in one out, and my mother is out because my MIL is in.

My mother isn't my friend because…. I love her because she's my mother, but if she wasn't, we probably wouldn't be friends.
My MIL is the kind of person who I would get on really well with anyway even if we weren't related, so I'ld make extra time for her.

If I was single and MIL wasn't in my life.. I still wouldn't see my mother more than I do.

What on earth has the dil done NavyandWhite?

Its her son's responsibility to have a relationship with his mother, unless the dil has a knife to his back preventing him having a relationship with his mother

You need to make an effort also. Why would they want to spend time with you when you don't even ask how treatment is going when they are trying for a baby? You don't call or text as you don't want to be over bearing but if you were the one to constantly contact someone and they never tried with you then you wouldn't bother anymore.

You sound like my MIL and I can't be arsed with her as she doesn't even bother to put effort in

Has the amount you see your son changed a lot since he married?

I'm closer to my parents than my husband is to is.

Mine are a lot easier to get on with.

Visits to his parents are a trial.

Stilted small talk & everyone feeling uncomfortable.

Girls gravitate towards their mums. I do. My sils do. Dh and I share special events by alternating between the families. My sils don't though. You should invite them to you for Christmas and ask about their fertility treatment. You might find it opens up a conversation which leads to closer relations.