To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

OP, this sounds a bit like me and my mum used to be (our relationship is much better now).

I felt much more "myself" with friends, partner, in-laws, etc., and she resented this. It became "a thing", and we stopped getting on. To some extent, I deliberately pushed her away and thought she was being selfish. But deep down, I really wanted her to come and see me more (in a non-resentful way), stop spending all her time helping out my siblings, show more that she cared how I was.
For us, this changed when I had kids, as we sort of started out afresh. But I don't think having kids was necessary to change it. We both just needed to stop fearing rejection and contact each other more openly and kindly. Your relationship with your son can never be replaced - you'll always be his mum. If he's more "relaxed" in a certain way with certain people, that's OK. It's not a threat.
Good luck.

"We spend Christmases at home. If ILs want to come over they can"

Again fine, provided its not a case of your parents invited to stay for the whole of Christmas while ILs get invited only for lunch for example.
Equal treatment is the key.

Aerfen - no, my parents are very generous (I have realized from threads like this!!) and say they want to see us between Christmas Eve and NYE but otherwise but no obligation on us at all. (Unlike MiL, who 15 years down the road still talks about alternating...)

Freaky.

What a lovely post.

I hope the OP reads it!

Why equal treatment?

One set of gps supportive, loving good company, prepared to help out.

The other cold, dull, dismissive, utterly self absorbed refuse to offer even minimal help with tiny children. Why do the latter "deserve" our time and energy just because they are Dh parents?

I read your response to my post, OP, and I think it sounds like in practice you wouldn't want much more contact with your son than you already have, partly because your DP's preferences at the weekend come first with you. I really was hoping to see that you deeply cared about all this but it seems more like you're just jealous and don't like feeling passed over.

You're his mum. It doesn't matter how bothered your partner is. You should have a relationship with your son that is independent of what your partner is doing. Go to see him on your own. Show you care. And don't be so fatalistic and ready to give up all the time.

If you genuinely think things are beyond repair and you're giving up, acknowledge that this is your decision with consequences that are no one else's fault. Don't gloss over your own part in this by becoming bitter against your DIL. From what I can see, none of this is her fault at all.

Aerfen, this is first year with grandkids, so time so far not diluted. Additionally they live close by and has open invite to visit whenever, but chooses to wait until we visit them. My parents are 6 hours away but make more time to visit

They are alternating in a way though by having you at theirs?

We have tried with dh family and I just dont feel welcome. I feel depressed when I come away. No conversation, food and drink limited and your made to know its their hospitality. This year I hope we dont see them. Christmas is special time, why spend it with people who make no effort?

Op you have some choices, wake up, decide what you want and take action to get it. Ie a better relationship with your ds and dil, talk to them, ask them how they are, invite them over, ask to stay at theirs, be interested in what they say, FIND some mutual interests, be pro active and keep your bitter blame with yourself and your son.

Or, accept the situation and move on.

You sound a bit like my mil. Lovely woman but makes absolutely no effort to see me dp or the kids. But then whinges at me when I ask my mum to babysit.

Don't resent your DIL. Ring your son, ask him how he's doing etc, maybe even try talking to his wife.

Why do you expect them to contact you if you don't contact them?

Alternating Christmases in this case (or even suggesting it) would be putting the cart WAYYYY before the horse

If you work on the relationship with your son and his wife, then they will naturally want to spend more time with you including special occasions.

If you miss that step/point! and skip more to wanting a fair share of their time WITHOUT first working on making the time you do spend together more enjoyable/pleasant for everyone. It'll lead to resentment and bigger problems

I sincerely hope that my kids don't think they have to alternate Christmasses with us even if they secretly don't want to but think they're being kind by seeing us out of obligation/duty! How awful! I'ld hate that! Why on earth would anyone seek that?

My parents live 5 doors down the road from me and DH. So I spend a lot of time with my mum. I walk to theirs with my 17mo DS. She's really not maternal at all though. But she has always treated my DH like her own.

We are a fairly close family and spend time together etc.

My MIL lives just 10 minutes down the road. But we very rarely hear from her. She is much more interested in her daughter (my SIL) and it's always very obvious. But they are mother and daughter, so fairly understandable in my mind.

My MIL treated me atrociously when I was pregnant with DS and now things can never be repaired. She shows no interest in my DS (her only grandchild at the moment - SIL is pg). And it's very sad.

But my parents and my FIL and his wife are amazing with DS, so he's not missing out on anything. The only person missing out is my MIL.

What I'm saying is, take an interest. Call them, invite them round for Christmas Day as it is such an important day to you. Invite DIL's parents as well. Then you could all be together and enjoy the family time that you crave.

They say a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he finds a wife.

Not always true, but very often is the case.

I always wanted a close relationship with my MIL, but she has been cold towards me for 10 years now and I finally give up.

Don't stop trying, keep the lines of communication open. It's not too late!

They say a daughter is a daughter for life, a son is a son until he finds a wife.

Not always true, but very often is the case

It's only very often the case because people keep saying/believing it, so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy!

Adulting I'd honestly never heard that phrase until a couple of years ago. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and it was certainly the case with him.

That said, his mum did run off with her boyfriend when my husband was 3. So he was never inclined to spend a lot of time with her anyway.

it's not that adult daughters are "naturally" closer to sons….. it's just what our particular society expects/ conditions into us

In many parts of the world it's the other way round, a son is for life, and when a daughter marries she joins his family and his mother is head of her family

There's just as many of us daughters who are much closer to our MILs than our own mothers.. there's lots of adult female siblings where one daughter is close to their mother and the other isn't…

But as soon a an adult son isn't close to his mother you get "ah well, that proves the saying is right.."

Adulting I'd honestly never heard that phrase until a couple of years ago.

You don't have to have heard that particular expression though to be a bit conditioned by our society, where its more expected for mothers and adult daughters to be close, than for mothers and adult sons.

Our society DOES see mother-daughter relationships as sort of sacred

It's not shocking for a daughter to say "I don't see much of my dad, he's not that nice" - people sympathise, but try being an adult daughter who says that about your mother!!

You just have to look to this thread to see it, the OP has been OPEN about how their family aren't really fun when they're together, but then you get loads of replies sort of blaming the lack of relatinship on the gender of the adult child

Your opening post describing your umbridge(?sp?) to little communication reminds me of my family. No family member ever calls me. I always always always end up sending the first text or making the call. It can go weeks or even months, believe me I tested it. I had a baby recently. No one called me to see how we are. And still dont. So my understanding is that they love me but dont care enough.
If you want communication, pick up the phone first. With not talking for long periods of time, you are alone with your thoughts which evolve into sour assumptions. A phone call needn't be an hour long - a quick and cheerful hi, just checking in, everything alright, I shalln't keep you and catch up soon - speaks of your interest in volumes.

Adulting I'm only really referencing my own experience with DH and other male and female friends I have in my life. The saying certainly seems true within my circle.

I was never brought up in an environment where the mother and daughter bond is considered sacred. My DM and I were never very, very close. We just got on. Same as we do now. There was/is little sentimentality in our household.

But I do see my parents often because they live so close, and even before I lived here, I saw them often, because it's in my nature to want to make the effort.

My brother lives in Sydney, so it's no surprise that he and my parents aren't close now. But they certainly weren't close before he went either.

I'm much closer to my (now ex) MIL than I ever was to my own DM. Her other ex DIL is the same. She's a lovely woman and an amazing granny. My DM was fine with us always having Xmas with the in laws (huge bonkers extended family) She was happy so long as we were. That's what love is, being happy if those you love are happy. Interestingly my own DM was closer to her MIL too.

It doesn't seem like you make much effort but are blaming your DIL. I think you need to be calling regularly and inviting them over or making plans with them. Forget about her parents it is up to you to develop your relationship with them. If I was your son I would probably think you didn't care:

You see a lot of your son that is local to you and help out with childcare - you other son may see this as favoritism

You heard they were having IVF but haven't asked about it since - your son may think you don't care

You are annoyed you only have boxing day with them - do you ever invite them for Christmas?

You don't hear from them - they don't hear from you

Same here NeedATrim

My mothers nose gets out of joint if she's not the first to hear stuff going on with us

But we never "chat". So stuff obviously won't come up in conversation naturally like it does with other people who I have long relaxed chats with. We "talk" - but its formal and dutiful and yet she expects me to remember to list everything thats going on so that she's the first to know.

Happened recently with a ballet exam, it's nice for DD but not a major life event. A neighbour who always stopped and has a nice chat with us in the street heard that she was on her way to the exam, and later asked my mother about it who was mortally offended that she didn't know. Yet if she calls over she sits here drinking her tea looking stiff and not really being all that engaging with me or the DDs.. so of course the nicer friendlier chattier neighbour got more info out of DD about her ballet!

I would not invite them on Xmas day, you can't spend the year not making much of an effort and then invite them to spend Xmas with you. Small steps first.

Only you can try to change this situation. It might be a bit little too late but the problem seems to lie with you and how you have distanced yourself and only you can change that. I think you need to have a proper chat with your son, tell him how you are feeling and how you want things to change and see if he is interested in building a closer relationship with you. From the sound of your posts though I'm not really sure you want to put that much effort in.

We don't alternate christmasses. We go to my parents every year. They live further away, don't travel well due to DF's poor health, they love doing a traditional christmas and our dc are their only GC.

My IL's see us loads throughout the year (most weeks). They have 4 dc so their big family christmas do often ends up being on boxing day or something when everyone can make it.

We don't alternate christmasses. We go to my parents every year. They live further away, don't travel well due to DF's poor health, they love doing a traditional christmas and our dc are their only GC.

My IL's see us loads throughout the year (most weeks). They have 4 dc so their big family christmas do often ends up being on boxing day or something when everyone can make it.

In this case you are treating both sets of parents fairly. Its perfectly reasonable to give your parents priority at Christmas in these otherwise unequal circumstances.

I think some posters criticising the 'alternating Christmas' thing are not setting it in context. Its all about treating both sets of parents equally, and giving them similar access to grandchildren, which includes but isnt limited to Christmas.

Of course if one set of parents dont want that, and actively refuse to help, its another story, but what can appear as 'coldness' and 'indifference' can just be reserve and feeling they dont want to be seen as intrusive, especially on the part of MILs who obviously are in the main not as close to DILs as their own mothers are. Even an offer to help they may think might be misread and asking about personal things such as fertility issues, pregnancy, how BF is going, might be interpreted as nosey.

Very much agreed, Aerfen.

That said, we try for alternating Christmas but definitely don't succeed, mostly because my parents are divorced. We've actually done Xmas morning with Mum, Xmas afternoon with dad then race up the country the next day to see his parents... I don't recommend it especially if like us you are forced to rely on public transport!