To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

I feel so sorry for all the adults whose parents/ILs demand alternate Xmases/Christmas visits out of duty.

Your kids are adults, fgs. Let them make their own Christmas decisions and build their own memories and traditions, not ruin their Christmas making them traipse here, there and everywhere.

OP are you still going to demand alternate Christmases when they have a child? What's stopping you from suggesting that you pop over and visit them at Christmas?

I think a lot of people are very hard on the OP.
I really believe that, unless the family dynamics are VERY poor, it's normal to alternate Christmases.

You can say whatever it is, Christams has a particluar meaning to most people. It's a family day and not having your child present again and again is like saying that you don;t want the parents being part of their family anymore.

So yes in some cases, there are some very good grounds for it (eg narcissic parents as my grand father is). But it can also be the DIL wanting to be with her parents rather than PIL, pressure from the other set of grand parents, whatever else you can think off.

It does come back again to the OP talking with her ds, inviting them over, saying they would be delighted to see them at Christmas etc....

Btw, if Christmases at the OP's house aren't as much fun or not as informal etc... Isn't a reason good enough for them not to visit.
We all have our ways to live and it's only normal for the DIL to accept those ways than it is for the OP's ds to accept his PIL ways....

@HandbagCrab We stopped doing Xmas with family after ds' first one where I was treated like a skivvy a couple of weeks after an emergency cs. Duty Xmas was sucking all the joy out of the season so we jumped on our excuse of having our own family and ran with it. If we had somewhere to go where we were treated like adults and with respect, warmth, love and kindness then maybe things would be different. I wouldn't expect a family Xmas if I were you.

I'd love it if my mum picked up the phone and talked to me with real interest about my life without wanting to tell me what to do or how I'm doing things wrong.

I hear you! The joy of this thread (with apologies to the OP) has been discovering that I'm not alone in having a distant, rather dutiful relationship with parents (and to some extent FIL), but the sort of thing that's not so bad that it's Stately Homes territory.

So many posters have captured what it feels like to be an adult offspring in this type of relationship. I'm another who understands that how the dynamic with the inlaws must be genuinely hurting the OP, but in my own case it's a question of people reaping what they sow, and although I would be willing to meet my parents half way, the impetus for change has to come from them.

OP I would suggest trying to empathise with your son and DIL rather than judging them. In my case life with small children and a demanding job is pretty full on. Having to host people, make their travel arrangements, pre-empt when they want to visit etc is another chore in a long, and ever replenishing list, and it's no wonder that I don't want to deal with it unless/until forced. Snide comments about 'how busy Mummy is' or the length of time since we visited someone are also pretty unhelpful, and seem to hark back to years past when DH and I were footloose and fancy free and DPs had work, dogs and other commitments. Now it's our turn, and to be frank, my focus is on my own family. I'm not saying that we'd expect our aged folks to always do all the running, but as the PP said, making an effort (both by being there and taking a genuine interest in our lives has got to be worth trying) - fwiw mine barely know my job title, let alone who my friends are, what my interests are, let alone my dreams and aspirations. I sense that they are proud of me, but I can't imagine actually discussing important stuff with them because they don't treat me like a grown up, and tend to be doom mongers, or fatuously Polly Anna-ish, so as a result they miss out.

You sound like my mil. So I will say to you what I say to her.
Your dil is not in charge of your son, she can't make him contact you. If she is close to her family that's great but completely irrelevant to how close your son is to you. Life is a two way street, you need to make an effort to see them as well.
Why is it that some mothers always blame the dil for their sons behaviour.

I really believe that, unless the family dynamics are VERY poor, it's normal to alternate Christmases.

I only really encounter that as a hard and fast rule on Mn. DH and I have never done it at all, for instance. We have Christmas in our own house or go away with friends and our son. Very fond of both sets of parents, and talk often, but that dutiful, compulsory shuttling back and forth between parents and ILs sounds pretty joyless.

Well in the OPs case, surely alternating Christmas woudl mean one Christmas in four

DILS parents
Couple themselves
DSs father
OP

That's Assuming you live in this weird place where Christmas isn't a holiday to be spent how and where you want but in fulfilling some sort of odd duty system of visits . So that people who never bother with you the rest of the year can post on Facebook about their perfect family Christmas

I really believe that, unless the family dynamics are VERY poor, it's normal to alternate Christmases.

DP's family dynamics are very bad. They really want alternate Christmases and very much see Christmas as a thing of duty.

My parents are much more easygoing and there's a lovely family dynamic (my DP included in that), they were fully supportive of us having Christmas alone.

Alternate Christmases are lovely when it's what everyone wants, but if even one person feels resentment over the situation, it collapses.

Aborea it is always a bit of an eyeopener when people talk frankly about family as I find most people (including myself) gloss over things in rl. Things are better now for me because i care less. But I feel sad for the missed opportunities.

I'm sure my mum feels like op and doesn't understand why we don't spend as much time with them as we did or make as much effort as we did. The difference is she'll blame me and not her son in law! :)

My MIL is universally disliked. I can't think of anyone who enjoys her company. She did everything she could to try and split DP and I up whilst I was pregnant because she has spent DP's whole life telling him not to bother with women and if she could get me to leave him and take his unborn child with me then surely he would move back with her and never get involved with another woman. She is batshit.

Now DS is actually here she wants to see him all the time. No apology for what she did, no interest in me as a person, just a sense of entitlement towards our son because he is her grandson and having not got rid of me she now realises babies are cute. We alternate christmas and are both absolutely dreading that we will have to spend it with them this year. I can't bear to be in the same room as her and DP is pretty much the same but feels it would cause wider family upset if we didn't. I am not saying the OP is like this but I think from the things you have said you need to really consider how you have treated DS and DDIL and whether you have pushed them away. Do you care about seeing them or just want to make sure you see the future grandchildren? Sorry, this thread has touched a bit of a nerve. MIL makes our lives hell and we only see her out of obligation, but more often than my lovely parents because sadly we are in the opposite situation to OPs son and DIL.

There is loads i never told my mil, miscarriage, not told pregnant again until 3 months, recent cancer scare and we live close by, because she is the sort of person to stress about things. Maybe your dil/ds feel the same? It could be any number of reasons.
Wrt Christmas are you big on celebrating, my family used to make a big thing DHs family not so much, so we go to my parents every other year and following year I have ILs and my family there too. She may think its unfair my family get every year whereas they get every other year.

I really believe that, unless the family dynamics are VERY poor, it's normal to alternate Christmases.

I don't agree. I wouldn't drive over an hour to spend Christmas day with people who seemingly don't bother with us the rest of the year

EverythingWillBeFine

Good posts.
To those against complaining about 'alternating' , you are throwing in a red herring by saying you should be able to spend Christmas alone! That of course is entirely different. The issue the OP is facing is NOT her ds and dil spending Christmas alone but the cruelty of the unfair treatment she feels meted out to her as compared to Dils parents.

By any account this is unfair and I am not surprised that she is seething, BUT I also think she is looking at the worst possible explanation i.e. that her Dil, preferring to spend time with her own parents, is entirely to blame for this. The "blame" lies with her son who for various possible reasons is choosing to go along with his wife's wishes and ignoring his mums needs, but of course its easier for a parent to blame the DIL!
This may be because:
a) He thinks his mum doesnt need him because she has acted so independently he doesn't realise she needs him.
b) He thinks his mum doesnt need him because she is happy with DS2 and the grandchildren
c) As b but added into this he is hurt by his mum because he feels DS2 is the favoured one
d) He hasnt even noticed whats going on and has just drifted along wiith his wife's wishes - he's a bloke after all!

The answer in all these cases is for OP to express her desire to see him, be more open, and especially be welcoming to DIL too. This DIL is a bit 'princessy' i.e. spoiled and she will need much praise and affection from her MIL to make her feel wanted. That's what she is used to from her own parents!

Why would you neglect the part of your family who has treated you lovingly all your life to see more of people you dislike who have treated you badly ? I find that very sad .

Dont people understand that actions have consequences ? If you don't treat your adult children ( and especially their partners) well, its likely that you won't see much of your grandkids . That's how it works .

I'm not saying that if you treat them well you are guaranteed to see your GK. There are few guarantees in life . But pissing off your DIL won't help you be granny of the year .

This is Parenting of Adult Kids 101

I say this as someone who welcomed the DIL from hell with open arms. Not because we liked her but for our child's sake.

I dont think there is any suggestion the OP has actually 'pissed off' her DIL, Kristina? She has just said shes a bit miffed by her, she seems to be laying the blame on her for not seeing them.

Family dynamics are very bad with my ILs, who expect alternate Christmases. We get on brilliantly with my parents and they don't mind what we do. Neither DH or I saw family regularly at Christmas as children.

Not just sons either btw, I know women who don't see their mothers (including my sister). This belief that anyone has a right to someone's time as an adult is a bit bizarre IMO.

The best marital advice my parents gave me is never get sucked into alternating Christmas.

blueturtle6
Wrt Christmas are you big on celebrating, my family used to make a big thing DHs family not so much, so we go to my parents every other year and following year I have ILs and my family there too. She may think its unfair my family get every year whereas they get every other year

I am sure she does, because that is mean, you are being terribly unfair!
They never get to be the only grandparents at Christmas so their grandparent time is diluted by your parents being there, as well as seeing less of the GKs.

I honestly thought everyone did alternate christmasses! To anyone who doesn't- how does this go down with families?

Family dynamics are very bad with my ILs, who expect alternate Christmases. We get on brilliantly with my parents and they don't mind what we do. Neither DH or I saw family regularly at Christmas as children.

Its easy for your parents to be relaxed about Christmas if they see more of you anyway! Your ILs want alternate Christmases because they are fearful they will be the ones who lose out if its not strictly alternating.
Maybe if you make an effort to see as much of them as your own family they will chill a bit about Christmas.

To anyone who doesn't- how does this go down with families?

no issues.

We used to travel 45 mins to pils in the morning and stay for lunch. Then go to my parents in the afternoon evening.

Now we have it at home. We don't go to either parents. We did travelling for a few years. Pils live 2 hours away now. They don't visit us at all and now way are we driving 4 hours on Christmas Day.

My mum and dad don't care as long as we are happy. Sometimes they come to us. Sometimes they have my brother at theirs and we stay home.

Brother says he is now having his Christmas at home with his wife and kids. He doesn't have room for mum and dad so they will probably come here every year. If pil complained, yet won't come to us, that's just tough

We spend Christmases at home. If ILs want to come over they can. If they don't want to travel then it would be a big rich of them to expect us to do the same with three small children.

OlennasWimple
The best marital advice my parents gave me is never get sucked into alternating Christmas

Thats excellent advice but only so long as its fair! If its Christmas at home and alternate boxing days with parents PILS that's fine. What is blatantly unfair is every Christmas with wife's parents, which is SOMETIMES the case, and what the OP rightly complained about. Daughters very rarely tolerate such bias in the ILs but many (not all) sons will. This is what leads to DILS getting resented. Adult sons are more careless of their parents than adult daughters in the main and some DILs take advantage of this in a selfish way.

We don't alternate Christmases. My Mil is very vocal about not liking Christmas and what a waste of time and money it all is. She barely decorates. Of course she still doesn't like the fact we always go to my mum. We have tried doing Christmas down there and making our own festivities but God, it was awful. She just sucked the joy out of it all. Equal doesn't have to mean the same - she doesn't want to celebrate Christmas, that's fine but I won't be taken down with her! We do a pre-Christmas visit now.

I honestly thought everyone did alternate christmasses! To anyone who doesn't- how does this go down with families?

I don't know anyone at all who alternates Christmases, so I've no basis for comparison. It never even occurred to us to do it, and I'd be very surprised if it occurred to either set of parents that it was a 'thing' they were somehow owed. Isn't it a little bit juvenile, anyway, to be trekking around dutifully, as if you haven't got your own home and might like to lie about under your own tree and cooking your own Christmas dinner, rather than be a guest somewhere else? Don't your children want to play with their own toys? Don't the adults want at least the option of getting tiddly and not driving?

Or is this one of those things that assumes everyone lives within an hour or two's drive of their parents and sees them all the time, so you could nip over for a few hours?