To resent my DIL a tiny bit?

[TessieMec]

please be kind, I'm new here! Just after some advice. I'm 56 and have 2 adult sons (this concerns my eldest, who is 30). He married my DIL 3 years ago. Now I must say, she's a lovely girl. Kind, always polite and good fun to be around. She clearly dotes on my son for whom she does everything (I tell her to get him to do housework but she says she wants to and it's easier as she works from home and he commutes quite far to work). They are happy. This is good, obviously.

My husband (who is not sons dad but brought him up ever since we got together when son was 2) and I live about an hour and a half away. Son and DIL live 5 mins from her parents (she has never admitted to me that this is the real reason she moved there although I haven't directly asked). They are always at her parents. From what I can tell, they go over most Sunday's and DIL sees her mum regularly so seems a bit ott. DILs parents are very nice people but see DIL as a bit of a princess and lavish her and DS with attention and nice holidays, things, meals out etc. This isn't about money, as we are not struggling so don't get the wrong impression. I have noticed that when DS is around his Pils he is different to how he is around our family and they speak to each other as though they are all friends. I really notice this when I am around my son and DIL's parents. Lots of jokes and v informal.

I guess we are a little less 'fun' and I am the first to admit I'm not overly maternal but I do resent the fact that we never hear from them. DIL and son might text from time to time but I never hear from them. I don't like to interfere so obviously I don't harass them. Perhaps DILs parents impose on them but I don't want to be like that. Every single Christmas they spend Xmas day at her parents and DIL and son have us over at theirs on Boxing Day. Always the same and I anticipate this year to be the same.

Here's the thing. Son told me about 6 months ago that DIL is having fertility treatment but I didn't pry so I assume IVF. They haven't updated me once ever since. I know it's not DIL per se as she's not a nasty girl but I feel like they are all for her parents. My son is as much to blame here and I know he also prefers her parents as he is now very good friends with DILs brothers. I can't help but resent DIL.

We have another son (he and his brother are not close) but I feel like son just acts as though he has made a decision to prefer her parents and doesn't make any effort with us. AIBU? Has anyone else ever been placed in this position?

This could easily be my mil writing this ( I know it's not though). Fact is, I get on very well with my dm, and she puts in a lot of effort with me and my family. My mil who is very nice and I get on with well, does not put that same amount of effort in. And my dh has almost given up putting in as much effort with her too. He doesn't love her any less, she's still his dm.

Perhaps you need to make more effort to be involved in thier life's?

Annoying as fuck when people don't rtft so I'm sorry but, I haven't rtft. No time.

Just wanted to say that your DiL might be the one physically having the treatment but it is both of them going through it and for all you know it's a male fertility issue rather than female or problems on both sides or unknown. The woman is the one who is treated no matter what the original issue. Point is, they both need emotional support as they're both going through a very difficult time. It's natural that if she has a close relationship with her parents that she'll want to be around them atm, especially her Mum. Your son might want to talk to someone outside of his wife and her family so extend a hand and an ear and find out. Maybe he doesn't but you won't know until you ask or at least sound interested.

All good points EnidBlighton, unfortunately the OP seems more focused on how she can "get" a fair share of Christmas days off the ILs than seeming interested in practical advice/experience of supporting people going through IVF.

The IVF issue seems to be more about her, and her sense of injustice that the DILs parents are more "in on it" than her etc..

EnidButton - sorry!

Adulting Ah that's a shame. I have read a bit more of the thread just now and see my answer is a bit irrelevant now. I just saw the casual mention of fertility treatment and pounced.

You say things like you don't like to interfere, call or impose which could really be taken for not interested. If you had a friend who never called or asked how you were would you continue to be their friend? Relationships have to be maintained. It works both ways.

I actually live 15 minutes from my in laws & over an hour from my parents but my parents visit weekly, call frequently & we socialise with my family. I don't see my in laws. They never call my husband & he doesn't call them. We used to visit weekly but it was always us that made the effort to call & visit & eventually we gave up. No fall out but it's hard to keep going when only one person is making the effort.

Tessie I don't think this is in any way a "negative" towards you. I just think that daughters tend to have closer relationships with their mums than sons do. I know o do with my mum, I call her nearly everyday to chat and talk about the kids, life, dinner, everything really! Yet my brother hardly ever calls unless he wants her to babysit but I just think that's men and like I said daughters are closer to their mums. My brother sees his mil more than our mum but it's no reflection on our mum at all, just the way it is. Think you should ask them how they're getting on with ivf and maybe invite them to see you more. chin up x

Tessie I do think that men in general follow their wives lead in family matters, and tend to leave that side to them, often neglecting their own family. My brothers are like this to me and our Mum, who is the kindest woman and babysits all the time. But do they invite her over for lunch? Holidays away? Chats on the phone?

No - even though tbh my SILs mum is quite difficult, they have a lot of money, spend it on holidays, and more importantly, they EXPECT and ASK for it.

I think you've just got to get stuck in there and ask them to visit. Go and visit them. Phone them up. Take charge. I'm forever asking my Mum to do this, she is quietly being totally taken for granted and leans on me a lot because my brothers are just working really hard and leave arrangements 'on the calendar' to their wives. Tbh I go through their wives too, I know they are the key to it all, so I contact SILs directly and ask to visit. Suggest a time. It's not really in my nature, but if I didn't I'd never see them!

Go and phone your DIL and just assert yourself!

P.s. If you don't assert yourself - you will just seeth with resentment and it will get much worse when their kids arrive and you feel on the sidelines. People are like rivers, your son too, they don't mean to be unkind, they just take the 'easy course' - and need to be directed a bit back again.

No one else will rectify this relationship for you. Not your son. Not your DIL. Only you.

ssd
I dont know why the op is getting so much crap here, some of you really need to get a grip I feel for you op

I think you need to pick up the phone and force yourself to be a bit more involved with them and see if more contact comes naturally, .

Hear hear!

But I do think son, DIL and probably her parents all think you, OP, are taken up with DS2 and the grandchildren, and consequently her parents are delighted to fill the void they think youve left.

Make the assumption that this is the case, rather than that they dont want to see you, and reach out to them, especially your son but also the DIL. Show them you care, feel for their current anxious situation, and dont be afraid of telling them you love seeing them, and tell your son that you feel hurt by the fact that he spends so much time with her parents and so little with you. And when you see them make it about them not the grandchildren at this time when they badly want children of their own.

And at Christmas I do think they have a duty to see you. It does not have to be rigid alternating, but its completely unfair if every Christmas is at her parents and they dont see you at all. Do they come on Boxing day? Are you left alone some Christmases, and do her parents have other family who visit?

Vegetablegarden

Wise words there!

Op you may not have said he doesn't see him as his real son but you did say that he's not as bothered as you are; he's not his real son and he would rather spend his time with his brother ( presumably there you mean your younger son and his biological son). Right from the beginning of this long thread I was wondering if younger son was the golden child, not actually realising that he was dh's real son, which makes it even clearer in my mind.

Children (even adult children) are highly sensitive to be treated differently to their siblings. I wonder how he would feel about you being so wrapped up in your younger son's children, that you can't find the time to involve yourself in his life and take SIX months to ask him how the IVF is going. Sometimes distance comes not from being less fun but being less caring and loving. I wonder if he thinks that you are able to be maternal to your other son's children, even if you can't be to him.

Even adult children often hope that things will change, that their adult parents will start to value them more and make an effort with them. My parents never really did. They were constantly round at my sisters but didn't even make the effort to call me. It's very hurtful and the not wanting to interfere sounds like a cop out to me, because you can 'interfere' in your other son's life.

Being a mother is so difficult because to a large extent you put the effort in because you love them, not because you expect something back. But funnily enough, the more you do that, the more it bears fruit. Can you show your DS you want to be in his life for HIM, not to somehow get attention from him. You obviously do love him, but you need to show him that because he can't just guess it.

I hope you do find a way of involving yourself more in your son's life, even if it means leaving dh to his own devices and going to see him on your own. And as for needing couple time, for goodness sake, don't you live together. Surely u can be apart from him for the odd day?

It's really not too late OP. Please don't let pride get in the way of trying to nurture this relationship. Don't worry about the past, don't try and think for other people, just initiate that contact & start making gestures. Be as open & warm as you can, put the ball in their court. They might just surprise you.

To turn this on its head how would a son and Dil feel if a mum/gran said I don't feel like doing Christmas/Birthday this year just stay in your own house and let me have peace.

There is so much angst about who is having Christmas where it is a wonder that Christmas is still Christmas.
It may be that the OP has felt pushed out by how much the Pils are involved while she is on the periphery of their son and Dil's lives. Perhaps many years ago she started out being involved but over the years has got further and further away from the younger couple, between the greatly involved Pils and there being a bit more map distance between the houses.
Christmas is around 6 months away and it is clear that it is a huge issue to many people that we are discussing this in July

You should post on Gransnet.

ExtraHotLatteToGo - who should post on Gransnet. Some people can be mum's and grans. Maybe the OP wants a mumsnet view pr maybe posted on both for two sides of opinion.
I have just read another thread where a Mil has refused to babysit for a hospital appointment. It seems either way, involvement or not being involved is wrong as a Mil.

I really hope that I never become a Mil.

This is hilarious. OP's views of the DIL are irrational and ridiculous. You can't be bothered being a parent anymore? Just blame the DIL, not the son you brought up yourself. Yes, they probably are playing favorites, for good reason. PILs are nice to them. Maybe you could be nice too? Like you say your DIL is... Hmmm. OP, YABU.

Please don't invite them to Christmas Day. As it stands, it sounds like they wouldn't want to go and it'll be awkward for them to try to get out of it. Build a relationship with them first. Get in touch and stay in touch. Suggest Sunday lunches or a weekend at yours. Open a dialogue with them, call and message them and start to communicate. And then maybe invite them to Christmas next year.

Unfortunately it is very common when you have a son, he will go to his wife's family more (because daughters are closer to their own families). I have seen it first hand in my family and amongst friends.

It could be a simple case of them thinking you are always busy babysitting and they don't want to trouble you. But what kind of a relationship you want with your son and DIL is up to you. Give them a call and invite them regularly for dinner, make a point of it.

One final thing, just so I'm not going mad...is it unreasonable to expect son and DIL to alternate Xmas with us and her family?

Yes you would be unreasonable to expect anything. Especially so soon.

You have spent 30 years (not sure how old you son is, could be more or less) fostering a distant, 'we don't live in each other pockets' relationship with your son ( while having a very different relationship with your other son).

Dils family have spent a similar amount of time creating a different relationship. Your relationship with your son Won't be changed overnight. Nor will they drop her parents because you have now decided you want a better relationship.

They will never split time 50:50, because they live a lot closer to her parents. You don't split your time 50:50 between your sons, so surely you can see why.

You need to make more of an effort. To call, visit and create a new relationship.

The issue here is they you are envious of the relationship between dils family and your son. You are projecting these feelings into your in laws, when it's not their fault.

If you want him round for Christmas, invite him. But don't include 'it's only fair if you spend one year here, one year there'

Don't make about what time they spend with their in laws at all. Just a simple 'would you like to come over for Christmas dinner?' Or something like that. Don't pitch yourself in a position were its you vs the in laws.

What would you do if you son told you that you must stop looking after your other grandkids, because it's not fair in their future kids as you won't be able to do it for them?

Other creatures get it right - they nurture their offspring and then send them off to fend for themselves. Why can't people do that?

because, quite frankly, I like my mum and dad as people. Not just as parents. They don't provide childcare (we don't need it) or any practical support. But I like them as people.

Dh likes them as people and is probably closer to my dad than I am. Not because he is my dad but because they get on. My kids have had their lives enriched by knowing great grandparents and their grandparents.

We don't live like animals. So why would we when it comes to our kids.

Ummm... Is the only reason you want to spend more time with them because you feel you should get 'equal' to DIL parents? If her parents were living abroad or dead and didn't see them at all would you still be keen to see them more/do every other Christmas etc?

Um...wow, this thread exploded whilst I went to bed.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that they alternate at all, OP. My only suggestion is to ask about the family dynamics again... I'm probably projecting because of my own situation but my partner hates to visit at Christmas if his brother does! and avoids long periods in his father's company because it has to be short bursts or a row is triggered.

It's a real shame because as I've said to him, his grandparents on that side visit at Christmas. As the song says, 'It's too late when we die'... just contact them, don't accuse but admit that you'd like to build a better rapport with them. That's my suggestion and I hope it works out well for you.

We stopped doing Xmas with family after ds' first one where I was treated like a skivvy a couple of weeks after an emergency cs. Duty Xmas was sucking all the joy out of the season so we jumped on our excuse of having our own family and ran with it. If we had somewhere to go where we were treated like adults and with respect, warmth, love and kindness then maybe things would be different. I wouldn't expect a family Xmas if I were you.

I'd love it if my mum picked up the phone and talked to me with real interest about my life without wanting to tell me what to do or how I'm doing things wrong. Maybe your ds feels the same, maybe not, but you won't find out unless you try.

OP you are making this more difficult than it needs to be .

Phone up your son and say " we are going to be in [your city ] next weekend for a concert / play/ sports event and wondered if you and DIL woudl like to come with us / have lunch / dinner with us? "

Then be nice to them and DONT talk all the time about your favourite son and his kids. Show an interest in their lives, jobs, hobbies, holiday plans, home, etc .

Don't ask directly about the IVF, they will tell you if they want to

And Btw, since someone upthread said everyone here is a DIL, I am not , I'm a MIL .