To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

It's not a "tiny gap"

Well, it is! The vaginal canal not so much, but the cervix is fucking tiny, and that's what causes the majority of the pain. It stretches out to 10cm, but that's still bloody small when you have to push a baby through it.

My DS was 9 pounds, and I tore, but you couldn't tell that now. The only thing I regret was getting an epidural. I was in labour so long it totally wore off! The most pain I had after birth was the spinal bruising from the epidural. But it all fades away quickly!

When all births were "natural", one woman in five (and many more babies) died in childbirth. That we are safer now is down to medical intervention. You have as much chance of a straightforward, manageable labour as anyone else does, but if you need help, it is there, and that is a remarkable thing for which we should all be thankful.

giving birth isn't pain free but it can be manageable pain. it's not like breaking your leg pain.

i have 2 boys-8lbs 8 and 8lbs 13

before the bith i had lots of comments about huge they were and they weren't-they were just normal sized

i stayed upright as much as possible- walked, moved, used the pool for pain relief, gas and air and i had lovely births. really lovely births.
it hurts yes
but it can be amazing too

being frightened and convinced it is going to be terrible and you won't cope makes ypour body tense up which in turn makes things more painful.

Babies come how they come, unfortunately! My son is 14 months old and, like you, I was convinced I wanted a natural, active birth without pain relief if at all possible.

But my labour came on very fast - I was 5cm dilated by the time I got to hospital, an hour after my waters had broken, and then the midwife told me the baby was back-to-back.

I tried my damndest - all I wanted to do was squat but then I got stuck with pain, unable to move on the bathroom floor. And my partner said "you know you're going to have to have some pain relief, don't you?". He was right - so I had a shot of pethidine so I could rest between contractions.

In the end, far from the active birth I wanted, having tried hanging over the top of the bed and found I couldn't push, I gave birth on my back with my legs in stirrups.

I don't say this to scare you - I don't feel damaged by the experience, I did what I had to do to get my baby born. It's a funny time right at the end of your pregnancy, when you're just waiting for to all to happen. I remember saying to my mum "I'm beginning to think I'm actually going to have to have this baby"!

Mine was a pain free, normal birth...

After the diamorphine kicked in. 😅

Sounds like elledouble & I had the same experience! Fast labour with no breaks & the morphine slowed down contractions. Thing is, because they were easier to manage I still dialated quickly & ds arrived 4hrs later. I was on my knees until I needed to push turn strangely wanted to be on my back for that part. Didn't slow anything down though

I had two natural births at home
I had tears both times but it didn't hurt as the skin is stretched I honestly didn't feel it
I think that to think positively is the thing - also acknowledge that it will hurt as the body does it s job of opening up /labour - it's natural pain
Each labour pain I had I told myself it was one step nearer
Do you run or anything like that where it hurts but you face it and don't stop ? When I felt a bit overwhelmed at times due to pain I consciously relaxed into it rather than tense up and that for me was the most effective pain relief - apart from gas n air at crowning as that was my anxious bit - it was for anxiety tho not pain
It's like running the biggest race or climbing the biggest mountain - and afterwards remember you will be so so Proud to gave delivered your baby whatever path your birth takes .

it's not like breaking your leg pain

For you. Your experience.

It's not a lie - I had 2 9lb+ babies naturally with gas and air for the first (9lb2). The second I delivered at home, with no hcp, no tearing and no pain relief, in under an hour. He was 9lb 10. Everyone is different, every birth is different we have to be accepting of that. Don't fix your mind on any one way is my advice - go with the flow. Good luck!

*it's not like breaking your leg pain

For you. Your experience.*

but of course
that's all anybody can say isn't it?

There isn't a massive amount of difference in size between a 7lb baby and a 9lb one. I mean, both of them have massive heads comparative to the size of a vagina. It's not like 5lb babies come out by sneezing.
I don't know who told you birth could be pain free without drugs but that was a lie. However spontaneous vaginal birth is the norm and there is no reason to think it won't happen for you.

Yes but you stated it as fact. Like, it will hurt but won't be x bad.

Don't get downhearted. Best thing to do is try and stay as calm as you can, keep an open mind and remember that it is all worth it.

My friend gave birth to a baby over 10lbs and didn't tear too badly, yet mine was 8lbs and I did! Although I had a bad tear I didn't feel myself tearing, it was just part of the pain of labour. Then I was on painkillers and so didn't really suffer that badly.

es but you stated it as fact. Like, it will hurt but won't be x bad.

ahhhhh! that wasn't what i was saying at all

it hrts-it really bloody hurts but it's not constant agony {in my experience]and it has a positive outcome, once the baby comes out , in most circumstances the pain stops-when you break your leg that doesn't happen. there is nothing positive about broken bone pain-there is about labour pain. you can have positive feelings while enduring labour pain-you can be excited, you can be happy etc

IN MY OPINION of course

I was in a very similar position you to OP. The midwife who ran our classes was very pro natural delivery, minimal pain relief and hynobirthing. She was also my doula and after a very long and difficult labour I was resisting an epidural until she pointed out to me that you have to listen to your body and mine was telling me that it was too exhausted to carry on without some help and in this case pain relief was exactly the right thing to do.

I took the pain relief and had a really positive experience, the hypnobirthing really helped early on and I wouldn't change a thing.

Was it really as many as one woman in 5 Schnitzel seems awfully high?

I had a 9lb 15oz baby with gas and air and although there was some testing and baby had shoulder dystocia, still my easiest birth. The midwife told me the bigger babies can be easier as they help get themselves out. I don't know how true that was and it creates a gruesome mental image 😂 but definitely the easiest of my four. The others weighed 7.11, 7, 14 and 8.3 I think 😃

Also op, I think if you know your pain relief options beforehand you will feel much more empowered and in control. Once you have the baby in your arms you won't care what pain relief you did or didn't have!

Just to add, I found going "HOOOOOOOO" really helpful (as in, sort of breathy moo-ing, can't think of a better way to describe it!), but only remembered about it about when the baby was crowning. If you think of anything that might help, maybe mention it to your birth partner so they can make suggestions when you're in the heat of the moment?

If childbirth were so impossible then I think the human race would have died out by now.

It is called labour because it is difficult. If you go into it with the mindset that your body is not designed for it, then you can damn well bet you'll find it hard.

If you go in to it with a positive mindset and don't have adequate and experienced midwives who are also very understanding and flexible in their approach, then you will have problems.

My first was 9lb 4 and I'm a size 8/10 and average height. I had a natural birth with no pain relief but tore right at the end because I panicked at the pain of crowning and pushed very quickly to get DS out. That meant that I also tore (along the scar tissue) second time around but nowhere near as badly.

Even though I tore, I still see it as a positive experience and wouldn't use pain relief. I kept upright, I listened to my body and (with my second), and didn't do something the MWsuggested (eg telling me to change positions for her convenience) so it went smoothly.

I think women in labour need very experienced women by their sides with strong advocates who know what they're doing. Unfortunately we tend not to have this.

Women need to fed realistic stories about childbirth. My mum had 6 natural births and from a young age she talked about it openly. So when I was pregnant I knew what the reality could be like and didn't have ideas about it being overly easy/amazing/empowering or being overly scary. It was just something you had to do. (Mum had a range of births from fast to long slow and difficult).

Just go in with an open mind. The birth process is just completely unpredictable. Your plan should be to have a safe delivery of your baby. You have no idea how your body will react and it can depend on factors like the baby's head position, which way they are facing your anatomy responsiveness of your body to the hormones... The list goes on. Just enjoy this time and accept the birth will go the way it goes

I think some natural births can be amazing, especially when people are as prepared as you, so it's not a lie. Of course, with birth, things can always change so don't beat yourself up if there has to be intervention at some point. The prep you have done will be good. I hope it all goes smoothly. I think having a doula or a private midwife can be a great thing if you really want a good natural birth as they really know what they are doing and can advocate for you with staff when you are not really in a state to be able to do it yourself.

I've had 5DC my easiest deliverys where the one's where I wasn't induced,didn't have pain relief and was left to get on with it.

Natural birth was honestly easier and less painful for me.

A natural, easy, unassisted birth is not a lie. A pain-free birth is a lie.

Convincing yourself that hypnobirthing will mean it won't hurt is setting yourself up to fail, because when it does hurt you'll think "it's not working".

I had a hypnobirth with my first and it was fantastic. But it was still painful - the point was that I understood it was a positive pain and the more I relaxed, the less painful it might be.

For only very few people childbirth isn't painful. I'm not one of those people but I went into both my labors with the knowledge that there is a line between pain and suffering. The second it tipped into suffering, I would request pain relief.

With my first, I only hit that point at transition and it was time to push so had a couple of glugs on the G&A to refocus myself before they whipped it away, with my second I hit suffering at around 4cms as my contractions were on top of each other. I had an epidural birth with him.

Both were brilliant experiences. And I also had to have an episiotomy with my first even though he was tiny. My second I had nothing and no tear.

Being mentally and emotionally in control and knowing that you will be listened to is the key to having a positive birthing experience no matter if you have a water, drug free hypnobirth, an epidural birth or an elective c-section.

It is not naive at all to believe you can have the birth you want, but it has to run alongside the acceptance and understanding that it may not go that way and you may have to re-jig your thoughts along the way.

My NCT tutor left me to do the CS day (theatre nurse, so I knew them well), and afterwards said how positive I was about how good CS are for when things go wrong (without recanting horror stories ), and that all births in which mother and child are healthy are a success.

I went in with an open mind to everything. I hadn't done any hypnobirthing, but as my hobbies include a lot of meditating and mindfullness I was able to use the positive thinking, focusing on the end result, and breathing techniques to keep calm. I was prepared to have any or all painkillers and intervention, as they became needed.

With DD1 I had just got the point where I was in enough pain to want pethidine, so I could sleep and get on with it the next day. I was 10cm when they checked. I was not happy exactly ok with the discomfort/pain levels if I was at the end of labour. The moment DD1 crowned had me crossing my eyes - it was like a giant chinese burn underneath. No pain relief as it was all a bit late by that point.

DD2 turned back-to-back as she descended (she was the right way when I was 8cm). My labour stopped and I had to be induced (at 10cm) but she became distressed. From the moment my labour stopped I had no pain and I stopped feeling the contractions, which worried the midwife enough to get the registrar in didn't have pain relief as there was no need . I had a vontouse delivery in the end, but only had local anaesthetic for the episiotomy as pain relief. She came out looking up and we all realised why I was having an odd labour.

Took forever to stitch me up. It was all good, they are 5 and 7yo now and playing nicely together today ignores the biting incident last week so well worth the effort