To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

I did NCT classes and they were really doom and gloom abut 'medical' births and the 'cascade of intervention'. Really laid it on thick with the 'natural is the best and only way' message.

We all came out of there convinced that if we didn't birth naturally then that meant something had gone Very Wrong and it would be a failure.

In the end I was in labour for three days, baby was over 10lbs and I had to have an epidural and assisted birth in theatre.

I was disappointed when I found out the baby was too big for me to have the water birth I wanted, but after that initial disappointment I didn't have any more fucks to give to be honest. It was all just about giving birth as safely as possible.

As long as the baby and you end up safe and well, how you got there doesn't matter. It's not like there's a Bounty rep doing the rounds on the ward the next day handing out medals for 'most natural birth'.

I know many, many people who've had unassisted vaginal deliveries. I've had two myself as well as a complicated one.

I've never heard anyone to use the words 'pain-free' to describe any birth. It's going to hurt OP.

However, my best birth was the one where I had zero pain-relief. Not even paracetamol. I wouldn't have believed that was possible after my first baby (loooong, hideous, back-to-back, ended with epidural, syntocin drip, the lot) but I felt more in control when my mind was clear and I could just focus.

You'll be ok. You can cope with the pain. Women all over the world do this every day.

I've not rtwt, but I've had VB's and and an emcs. My advice is take all the drugs you can. There are no medals for having a vaginal delivery without pain relief. Also, it's all so unpredictable, keep an open mind.

I wanted to hear positive stories before I gave birth for the first time. So, if it helps, I had my nearly 10 lb baby at home, and it was a really easy birth. I had a small tear, which was stitched up with no problems. I had a water pool which was brilliant. So big baby, easy birth. It's definitely possible!

Hypno breathing techniques and being at home are the best painkillers of all for me.

The reality- your reality- is whatever happens in your individual case.

In my case I had one induced birth which did not require much in the way of painkillers but left me with stitches, and one emergency caesarean. I did find that some (hastily improvised) mind-over-matter techniques helped enormously with the vaginal birth, but they probably helped because they were combined with an open mind as to the kind of experience this would be. If I had gone in with the expectation that if I dot all the i's this will be a magical experience, I would probably have felt let down.

The good news: they gave me a baby to take home.

My birth plans essentially said I want an epidural and a live and well baby at the end of it. I have five healthy children I've had 1 ELCS (due to breech) and 4 unassisted vaginal deliveries, I've had four epidurals,been induced three times and needed stitches once. I'd say my least favourite birth was the ELCS and my easiest birth was the back to back induced one with an epidural in before the drip.
I think what I'm saying is that however baby gets here the delivery isn't that big a deal at the end of the day. I don't feel any less of a mother than my sister who birthed a ten pounder in thirty minutes without so much as a whiff of gas and air and nor should anyone else.
I'd keep an open mind and see how it goes on the day, you won't get a medal if you have a natural birth and you won't be any less of a mother if you have every assistance available.

3 of mine have been totally silent no pain no nothing until the baby actually coming out.
I did go into shock after.

One of mine was tiny 5lbs it was horrific painful and very very long.

Each one is different

My DS (2nd child) was well over 9lb (with a massive head) and I delivered him with just gas and air. Nothing wrong with starting off wanting as natural as possible.. just be open to changing your mind if it becomes necessary.

Growth scans at this gestation are accurate to +/- 25% and there is evidence for increased risks for assisted delivery/section/tearing etc if the estimated weight is over 4.5kg at term. Other than that it's just the same risk as everyone else and you've done everything you can thus far.

As for tearing etc there is a cochrane review of all the evidence and there is some positive evidence for perineal massage (if you google perineal massage Oxford John Radcliffe they have a very good patient information leaflet) and also for a midwife to have her hands on your perineum with a hot compress as the head delivers so you can ask for this.

I just wanted to say that this post has really helped me, and I was thinking about posting something similar about suddenly thinking that it's all going to go wrong and I'm really not prepared. I'm 38 weeks. Apparently every day this week I have a 25% chance of labour starting. Yeah, totally not Googling random statistics inbetween sticking my head in the sand...

I have read this entire thread and want to thank everyone for posting about their honest but positive stories in particular. It doesn't help that one the one hand I have a mother who tells me that everything from gas and air to an epidural will make the baby "addicted to painkillers" and I have a SIL who due to pre-existing conditions became very ill and had to stay in hospital for 2 weeks, a friend who became overstimulated during her induction and another who also had an emergency section. I feel like the only person I know who had a birth without intervention is my hippy mother who knows better than "those young midwives who are told to push pain medication onto you".

Not sold lies, but NCT is very biased towards natural birth and breast feeding. Get information then from every source, NCT, your midwife, the doctors, your mum, read articles, THEN keep this all in perspective and make up your own mind.

I was adamant I would have a natural birth, breast feed exclusively, have a calm and lovely baby. My friends all had natural births and it was 'amazing' apparently. I ended up being induced, having an emergency c section. I also had great difficulties breast feeding - so much so my baby was suffering and switched to formula (best decision I ever made, despite so many people being VERY critical not knowing any of the circumstances), and had a super hyper baby who did not conform to any of my expectations!

So welcome to childbirth and parenting! It is full of ADVICE from all quarters, some of it useful, some not, and it all depends on how it works for you. If there is any ADVICE I could give you, it is to be flexible and listen to your own instincts, if it not feeling good or right to you, and is within health and medical guidelines (very worth listening to), then if you want to go to hospital, fine. It doesn't make you any less of a woman.

Every birth and every woman is different. No body can ever completely prepare for a birth because anything can happen.

Don't rule out pain relief, yes some people don't feel they need it at all which is great but if you need it use it. Be Open to things

Not all vagina births are bad with assisted painful delivery, Mine with ds last year was ok no tears and I had minimal intervention. No pain relief.

I'm due my second DC in August and my birth plan is No edipual, gas and air if needed, minimal intervention. If anything was to go wrong or something I don't care what they have to do to make sure my baby is ok.

My sis had a 9lb 5oz baby in January this year and she had a vaginal birth she did have a tear but it was a small tear. She had gas and air.

Just to add to what the others have said about going on with an open mind.
My daughter was stuck, I was 9cm and had been using G&A and really needed to start pushing her, but due to a large neck goitre, pushing wouldn't have worked.
Ended up with an EMCS to get the little bugger out.
There was no way I could've written a birth plan, or that anyone would've predicted what would happen.
But at the end, I had a healthy baby girl, I was (mostly!) in one piece and we went on to have another child.

Firstly, baby may not be so big in reality - they get these things wrong. Secondly, a 9 pounder is big but not in a fanny tearing sense. Your cervix and vagina will stretch and if not, then a tear is not the end of the world. I didn't feel mine or the stitches afterwards. It all goes back to feeling fine again in a fairly short amount of time stitches or not.

Secondly, regarding hypnobirthing. I used hypno techniques but at no point believed I would have a pain free labour. I used them to stay calm and it worked. Whilst labour is painful, it is also awesome. You willl reach a peak just before the pushing phase which is all controlllable with gas and air, allowing your mind to just go to the special place it goes to in labour (your body will truly take over) and floating in a water bath if possible. Then, when it's time to push the pain is in the background somewhere and your animal instincts again take over. This is my favourite stage of labour - it's exciting and mind blowing. Then baby sort of slides out once head and shoulders are out and you get an slippery, squidgy babe to cuddle whilst you deliver placenta.

The hypnobirhting most definitely helps with the control of pain. If you have been actively learning it you'll benefit from it in at least some way if not in a big way, although you won't really know how until you're in labour. Just trust yourself, your mind and your body.

As said up thread, there are no medals for giving birth without intervention, the reward you want is a lovely squishy, healthy baby. Do keep an open mind, and do what works for you, adapting your plan as you needed to.

I found moving about a lot helped.

It is fine to plan having a natural, pain-relief free birth. Great, lots of women do manage this.
But the most important thing is to have a robust plan that is flexible and allows you to react to the situation as is develops. So that you can still feel in control and you don't feel like you have failed (not that you will have failed, but I know women can be hard on themselves).
So rather than saying NO pain-relief, say that you are don't intend to use pain relief but you will reconsider your options if necessary as labour progresses.
Rather than saying I will hold my baby skin to skin after birth, say Baby will have skin to skin contact if possible after birth - if I am unable to hold baby then dad will do it instead.
Or whatever - just be flexible and think through all the possibilities.
Your baby will be wonderful, and even big ones often arrive surprisingly smoothly.

I had a back to back labour with epidural and preferred that to my second text book, water birth at home with no pain relief. Epidurals are great but do risk further intervention, I was lucky to just miss out on an attempted assisted birth. I was absolutely gutted to miss out on going natural but felt quite positive and happy afterwards. After the natural birth I was so glad I never had to do it again - two kids was enough. It's not just the pain, it's the fear and other weird feelings.

Being at home after birth is amazing, the worst part of the first experience was being on the post natal ward.

Haven't read whole thread. Just wanted to share my experience.
Recently gave birth to Dc3 (3weeks ago) and had a home hypnobirth.
It was lovely.
Yes, the last 20 mins or so 'hurt' but the best advice I can give you is to repeat your affirmations to yourself over and over. You CAN do it, your body is made to do this. Honestly, try and relax as much as you can 'where the mind goes, the body will follow', is very true. If you can keep the adrenalin to a minimum, the oxytocin increases and makes things much swifter and calm.
Wishing you all the best, remember this is YOUR birth not someone else's so whatever trauma people are scaring you with is THEIRS, you can do this.
Focus focus focus, and weird as it sounds, try and enjoy the birth of your baby. It's a miraculous thing. Coincidence? Maybe, but DC3 is a much calmer placid little thing compared to the older two who had straight forward but more 'normal' deliveries, in hospital, lots of pain and panic.

I would say the key thing is to try not to fuse with expectations of what will be or what won't. In reality, you just can't know and you don't have ultimate control.

I went into my first birth not even having had antenatal classes due to a local timetabling conflict. I was absolutely relaxed and listened to hypnobirthing CDs throughout, it was very pleasant (while also being excruciatingly painful for the first few hours, but there was a sort of pride and power in really experiencing it as it was).

I got an epidural after a few hours (back to back baby being drip induced after spontaneous rupture of membranes) and it was all going wonderfully swimmingly... and then the little guy got stuck. It was fine in the end but do you know what really caused me suffering later? Not the pain or fear in the moment, moment by moment, but all the coulda shoulda oughtas and reading lots of stuff about how it wouldn't have happened like that if x had happened or y had done z etc.

I've since had two natural vaginal births (one water birth) and in the case of all three all I can say is that it is a moment to moment thing. If you are engaging with your brain instead of your body there's lots of potential for having notions that what is happening isn't happening as it SHOULD be happening rather than just engaging the old lizard brain and experiencing it however it happens to be. You have to let go and embrace the uncertainty, to an extent.. and no one can really give you a guidebook for that.

I now look back and think all three births were amazing but they did hurt like hell.. and that's absolutely fine. Psychological flexibility is key.

My best birth was the emcs, I had a general anaesthetic and I recovered really well. I tore with my second VB and had a year of pain and damage.

Pushing the baby out is the easy bit to be honest!

I think you are just getting nervous about the birth which happens to the best of us. I had 2 bad tears yet I'm very tall and have very wide hips and had a baby who was not even 8lb.

My second was over 10lb and had to come out the sun roof in a planned csection because she had a serious medical condition.

It's true what they say every birth is different, and there's no way that you can predict what way your birth story will go.

I would keep aiming for a pain relief free birth but keep an epidural as an option because you really don't know if you will change your mind mid way through or not. I had a long labour and no epidural as it was not an option for me all the anaesthetists were in theatre so I had to plough on through regardless and it was so hard but if I'd have been able to have an epi I'd have had one.

been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief
Why?

I had 2 vb with no complications, both quick (under 4hrs from start to finish) and at no point did i think 'ohh, i'll do this without pain relief....'

Personally i would try and avoid pethedine as the first time i felt i was tripping for 2 weeks, although that might have just been shock from having a baby, but the second time was just gas and air, and there was no lasting effect from it (that i could see)

does no pain relief include no paracetamol after?

Honestly I do think it's arrogant to think you can 'achieve' a natural, drug free birth because you're better, stronger or braver than other women. It's mostly luck on the day. You may get what you want or you may have failure to progress through no fault of your own or baby is breech or any of a number of reasons. Nothing wrong with having a plan and hoping for the best but try not to be too judgemental of yourself or others. The important thing is getting baby out and everyone safe.

I seem to recall most births are vaginal. And weight estimates via scan are notoriously inaccurate. Your baby may be the estimated size and deliver easily or they may be smaller and still need intervention. The only thing that trully matters is a healthy baby at the end.

I didn't get the birthing pool experience I wanted almost 4 months ago - and of 7 in my NCT class only one did. And then she had problems healing. And I really couldn't care less. An induction at term + 15 (after sweeps, breaking membrane then IV drip) wasn't what I had in mind. But it was perfectly manageable on gas and air and while I can remember other painful experiences (breaking my arm, tooth abcess) I swear the pain of birth evaporated from my memory as soon as my baby girl was on my chest feeding from me.

The pain of getting to grips with breastfeeding on the other hand I remember all too well