To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

If you can a hot HOT compress firmly applied while the baby is crowning can work wonders. We couldn't with ds because he'd gone in to distress and we had to get him out quickly.

Totally disagree with poster who said pain is down to perception and tolerance. This us not the case. It is well known some people actually feel more pain than others so nothing to do with your personal achievement of being tolerant. Just such smug bullocks to suggest this.

Come to the U.S. you get the epidural when you want it and high quality care, private room. It bloody fantastic,and I have only lovely memories of both my csectionbirths.

GenieJen, could you elaborate please on this: "I'm sure it's to scare you 'in' and to undermine your inner strength.".

What do you mean? Do you genuinely think there is some medical conspiracy to steal your inner strength? Why would this be? Who on earth would benefit? Why are you so sure of this? How do you find out about this conspiracy?

And why is your explanation more likely than the one that I understand that the present state of the scanning technology for estimating weight is not yet perfect, has known margins of error but is the best we have at this time?

I am wondering if there is, in fact, a kind of "unconscious" conspiracy to deny women pain relief.

I am wondering if men gave birth there's be all this bollocks about the nobility of pain.

KathandKim

You asked what is worse, a perineal tear or a wound across your abdomen?

In my case, the perineal tear and the piles gave me way more pain and complications that the neatly-stiched, quick-healing CS scar.

I am wondering if men gave birth there's be all this bollocks about the nobility of pain

This, a thousand times this.

Kath I think the problem is that you still have to urinate and defacate around a perineal tear, and you'll eventually want to have sex. An abdominal wound can be protected more easily while it heals.

I don't know about the nobility of pain thing exactly - just because my understanding is that more patriarchal cultures tend towards greater medicalisation of birth. South America has crazy CS rates for example.

I absolutely think it's deeply misogynistic that women are expected to be hugely grateful if they and the baby get out of the experience alive and any greater expectation (you know like long term continence or no PTSD) is a selfish desire for a "birth experience".

sycamore

Excellent post!!

Re: NCT

A friend's class was excellent in preparing participants for a CS. Explained nitty gritty like who'd be there and what their role was. What it would feel like etc.

I feel so pathetically naive for not having prepared myself for this. DS1 was born by EMCS after 13 hours of labour (induced at 40+9 days) and an hour and a half of pushing.

I was so weirded out by the operating theatre - the fact that no-one except the lovely anaesthetist spoke to me, the fact there were so many people, which scared me. The feeling of having someone rummaging around and you feeling it but not feeling pain.

And this was all because my class had not prepared me at all for the possibility of CS

Splendide I think you raise a really interesting point when you say "I absolutely think it's deeply misogynistic that women are expected to be hugely grateful if they and the baby get out of the experience alive and any greater expectation (you know like long term continence or no PTSD) is a selfish desire for a "birth experience".

I think a few things are at play here. We have forgotten or are programmed to forget that birth is actually incredibly dangerous for women and for babies. Move back just three or four generations and women made their wills when pregnant. Childbirth was for centuries the leading cause of death for young women, it remains so in many under privileged countries today.

So in a context where medical advances means these awful outcomes have reduced hugely, we can be mistaken into thinking birth is safe. So I think that privileging safe and alive mothers and babies over a preference for a birth experience under the stars on a remote island, to take an extreme example, is legitimate.

However this is not to say that women's experience does not matter. It matters hugely. But what is misogyny is the current system of not informing women of the realities and risks which is what this thread is about. For example, you speak of PTSD which is a terrible and awful reality for some women after the birth. I don't know enough about PTSD but it strikes me that a huge gap in expectations and the messy grim reality of birth might be a contributing factor. Pain is an example where I can say more - studies have shown that effective pain relief in the form of epidural reduces the risk of PND and the reverse is also true. Women are not being told this. And as for incontinence, pelvic floor injuries, and all the other common or less common complications of the various forms of birth are not sufficiently highlighted in the present system. I believe every woman should have fully informed choice, including of c section on request, but the emphasis must be on the fully informed bit. Today's magical thinking and cheerleading is a real disservice to women; it belittles their agency and insults their intelligence.

I had consultant led care paid for privately and I still didn't feel sufficiently informed and ended up with a life-threatening post birth complication with life-long consequences that I could have easily avoided with better information (post-part in blood clot/DVT). I also have moderate stress incontinence which is humiliating and sadly so common. I honestly regret not having thought more about choosing a c-section; instead I got swept along on the assumption that natural was best. And in my specific case, blood clots are actually an even greater risk after a section than a VB but at least I would have been informed and could have taken preventive measures. There is a lesser but still hugely increased risk of clots for six weeks post partum and I was entirely unaware. Instead I followed the breastfeeding chorus of sitting for hours on end under a cluster feeding baby and ended up with a life threatening condition that will continue to affect me for the rest of my life (including new difficulties in getting life insurance etc).

Failing to inform women of all the risks of all choices is misogyny.

I agree with you sycamore - I think there needs to be more information and the thing about PND is very interesting. I suffered dreadfully with PND (not linked to my son's birth which was very uncomplicated and pleasant) so I know how dreadful it is and anything to reduce it is good.

I think I'm maybe not quite expressing myself correctly. I just can't stand the way (and actually this is really linked to your points) that women are treated like they shouldn't make a fuss and just lie down and get in the stirrups.

I'm sorry for your troubles by the way. That sounds dreadful.

I took a really stats based approach when planning my son's birth. I was really keen to avoid forceps (especially Keilands which are illegal in some countries) and didn't want an epidural. So I went for a home birth. However, had I gone over enough that induction was indicated I would have refused that in favour of an ELCS as induction hugely increases risk of all the interventions I wanted to avoid.

I think a greater availability of the risks/ benefits of different approaches would be really beneficial. I had to search really hard for all this stuff.

Ultrasounds are really inaccurate at predicting birth weight!!! In fact they can be as much as 1.5 lbs out! So instead of a 9lb baby you could be having a 7lb baby!

There was something in the press recently about how women are being incorrectly advised that they are having a "big baby" to encourage them to either be induced or to opt for a c-section so that medical staff have more 'control' over the normally spontaneous nature of birth.

I know I'm sounding like a 'crunchy mummy'.

If people say they had a totally pain free labour using hypno or whale music or whatever ....it's not because they are better/ more committed/ cleverer/ read more. It's because they are damn lucky and probably have high pain thresholds. Please don't rule out pain relief and don't feel bad about having it. I had a natural birth with a late epidural because I was in screaming tortured agony. My husband had post traumatic stress from watching, I did too and still have flashbacks 10 years later. Why? Because I was so determined to be perfect earth momma and no pain relief. It isn't worth it. Had epidural with second and it was fine. Drugs are available for a reason!

My third DC was estimated at nearly 10lbs and popped out at 7.4 lbs.

Although to be honest, my previous almost 10lb-er was the easiest birth of the lot!