To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

I had two biggies (9 9 and 11 4). Only gas and air. Yes - it did hurt but no complications and relatively short. As others have said, all births are different, there is no right or wrong, just whatever feels right for you. My top tips would be relax, concentrate on the fact that your body is made for this and keep moving around when you are in labour to wriggle the little bugger out and let gravity help you! Good luck.

sycamore that's a really interesting way to look at it, I think what you say makes a lot of sense.

I didn't do NCT, hypnobirthing or yoga so I guess I was less likely to end up in the situation you describe, but I can see how it could happen.

My equivalent would be breastfeeding. I did the NHS antenatal classes which were very factual and neutral about birth so I think I remained fairly realistic about what to expect. However they went on so much about the amazing benefits of breastfeeding and how wonderful and natural and instinctive it is that I was shocked and completely unprepared to find it as relentless and difficult as I did. I still feel quite angry about it and so I can imagine how someone might feel the same about childbirth if they were given unrealistic ideas about it during pregnancy.

I didn't do any classes so perhaps that helped! Mine you I think the midwife should have attended more classes as she failed to spot that I'd delivered my child's head. My DH had to tell her!

Sycamore I could stand up and applaud your post, I really could. That's exactly how the process goes isn't it?

I generally don't give a fuck for things like hypno-birthing (breathing the baby out FFS!) but plenty of my friends have been sold the lie that if they only believe then their body will fall into line.

Positivity may have a small part to play but it cannot dilate your fucking cervix or make sure the baby is in an optimal birthing position.

When people get particularly hippy about the wonders of birth and how problems are largely the result of fear and the medical establishment making you labour on your back, I always think of the Book of Genesis. These were people living with war, famine, slavery, plagues, no antibiotics and no dentists. Life was very tough. But they took one look at the wonders of natural childbirth and thought "Bloody Hell, women must have done something really really bad to offend the deity to have been stuck with that".

What is really hard for (some) women is to make a decision before they go in labour: you can't have an epidural in a birth center (at least the ones around my geographical area). If you chose a birth center attached to a hospital, it's not that bad, but the 2 lovely centers around here are several minutes away from hospital by ambulance. Some mums can really feel they have failed when they are removed from the center to be brought to the hospital, and that's not fair.

I really had the impression that you were pushed to go for a "natural" birth to save cost, and to remove the need for an anaesthetist. Without considering the problems of funding, I really think all pain relief options should be accessible in a birthing center.

I had no interest in natural birth, I was having an epidural and looking forward to it. Then DS decided to come at home with no time to go to hospital and was born without any intervention, pain relief or tearing, he was over 9lbs and I am 5"5 and not a very big build.

He came out, he was fine and so was I. DH was a bit shellshocked though.

Sharknado, I don't think that's possible, birth centres are midwife led and they arent qualified to place an epidural, you need anaesthetists for that. I think if anaesthetists who are doctors were there, then it would no longer be led by midwives...at least that's the way I understand it.

Sycamore you said what I was trying to say much better than I did!

Breast feeding too. I found it easy (although exhausting and time consuming) but that's just down to the way my body is. I'm perfectly able to understand how it isn't like that for everyone. There are a number of things in motherhood: childbirth; breastfeeding; bonding with the baby; dealing with sleepness nights etc, that we're just supposed to sail through. When some of us don't, we feel inadequate for a long time I think this led to some PND in my case because I wasn't managing as I thought everyone else seemed to be. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade who's had a perfect experience. But surely mn is the place where we can allow a few differing views that might make it easier for someone who has had/is having a harder time.

I think I must have gone to the only NCT class in history which was entirely balanced re pain relief/assisted birth/ c-sections versus doing it all with no pain relief. Explained a bit about how oxytocin can help keep things moving and adrenalin will slow things down if you get stressed, but at no point suggested it would be a failure or blameworthy if natural labour didn't progress. Just gave us lots of information about all the options. Poor old NCT getting a bad rap on here.

Pain relief is the answer. In France an epidural is standard. Bloody marvelous when they work. I've done a long natural one (because the epidural didn't work) and it's pretty crap but its one day of your life and what comes out is pretty amazing. Personally I didn't think the birth was the worse bit. I bled a lot afterwards (normal) which was tricky. The worst for me was the egg size hemorrhoids meaning I couldn't shit for 10 days and not being allowed to take a bath because of stitches.

Jessie my hypnobirthing classes talked about c-sections!

To be fair, it was a short section of trust the doctors, best just to follow the doctors advice re pain relief, anaesthesia etc, try and have the music playing if you're allowed, keeping relaxed helps with a c-section as well as vaginal birth... Just a quick ten minutes really (because we were told the person running the classes isn't a doctor, so not qualified to discuss surgery, but the doctors on the day will be very good, explain it all etc) but they were discussed with no shame. We were also told the 'new style' epidurals allow you to walk about, so if you find yourself asking for an epidural, try (if you can) to have a quick discussion about what kind of epidural you're getting and request to stay mobile if possible.

Really don't recognise the shame/failure dialogue being discussed here. The classes were just about encouraging us to be active, educated participants in the birth (which is the whole point of hypnobirthing if you read the book - developed as a backlash against the heavily medicalised no-choice birth the author of the movement was forced to have).

JessieMcJessie were you in my class?
All options covered in depth, with the pros and cons of every single one of them (even the cons of having a no-pain relief birth). They should all be that way.

StrawberryQuik you are completely right, I just don't really agree about the current set up. I think anaesthetists should be there so women have more choice - and the hospital only needed in case of medical emergencies.

sycamore54321 I couldn't agree more.

When I was mid-labour, high as a kite on gas and air and in pain like I never knew existed, I had a kinda hallucination / waking dream that the birth class leader and her cronies knew what pain I would be in and had tricked me into it somehow. Not very rational but that I was thinking about it in labour shows how misled I felt!

At my birth preperation classes (not NCT but very similar) and I certainly did get the impression that avoiding pain relief and overcoming the pain was perfectly doable if you had the right mental attitude.

I had a big baby, was induced with the drip and the epidural failed completely. I was in screaming agony for about half a day. There is no way I could have thought or breathed my way out of that.

In a way I guess the classes were right in that had I had a "natural" birth I wouldn't have suffered the pain of the unnatural induction. But I didn't have a choice really.

Perhaps there's nothing to be gained by freaking out pregnant women by emphasising the ways it can hurt (and sorry if I have, for most people the epidural works! ) but I certainly felt misled.

Also not helped by the midwife who refused to communicate with me if I was not on my back (I fought being on my back as long as I could).

Exactly that sycamore! I clearly read that 'no fear - no pain'. And how the pain is caused by adrenaline and panic, and if you relax and let endorphines do their work, you will give birth with maybe slight discomfort only.

I did get my euphoric birth experience though - thanks to my lovely epidural. Scarymommy blog had a nice article that pretty much described how it felt:

It’s a very surreal experience to go from being in a place where the only thing in the world is you and your excruciating pain, to having a switch flipped and realizing, Oh, hey, there’s my husband. Was he in here the whole time? A minute before I couldn’t remember how to breathe and now my only concern was which DVDs we packed, and can someone please pass me my magazines?

Also, I think NCT is a very dubious business. Did the NCT-class, , mainly to meet other mums in my area, but found the advice pretty useless. I also did the free hospital antenatal class and found that one much more informative, professional and unbiased.

The NCT class was great for the networking, but the advice was generic, and attitude to pain relief ridiculous. The teacher actually had us hold clothes pegs out in a stretched arm and made us open and close them for three minutes straight and said that's what contractions felt like! wahaha, don't know what planet she lived on. Also, the teacher had an attitude to NHS and midwifes generally which was quite negative, which I think is both unfair and not at all conductive, given most women will give birth on the NHS and certainly don't need their ears filled with mistrust of the people who are going to deliver their baby.

I just think everyone is so different. very very different experiences.

*Jessie just saw your post on having had a balanced NCT class reg. pain relief. That's good to hear they exist! I just think the NCT should streamline their classes more n make sure that all antenatal teachers give a balanced view. Our teacher was disorganised, unprofessional and seemed to rely a lot on her personal experience of birth, which can be interesting to hear, but is not representative.

london I think it's like that for some people, sometimes. I've had periods worse than a couple of my births. Trouble is you don't know how you will be.

Hiya. I would just like to say that I'm a size 8 and just 5ft 1 and my first child was 8lb. I had no cuts or tears etc. My sister in law is a size 16 and had a 7lb baby and needed a lot of stitches. It really makes no difference on what size you are or the baby, it's about how the birth goes and how well you also manage it. It's easy to get panicky beforehand but i believe the more relaxed you are mentally the easier it will be. I never did any of the things in my birth plan because until it happens you can't know. I found the gas and air amazing as it helps me to be a bit calmer and that helped with the birth. Good luck from a mummy of 5.

Head You're giving me hope for my next birth! I do appreciate that for some, it's not so painful, but for the NCT teacher to present it as if the normal and expected thing is not very bad pain, is not right, I think. They should be more clear that it can be very painful or quite easy. Given that the course was for first time mums, it's also quite unlikely that it would be relatively pain free for most. Haven't heard of many first time births being super easy.

They are all so different london. I agree that the focus shouldn't be just on vb with the thought that if you don't do it like that then you have somehow failed. I think the term failure to progress should be banned!

You never know...I was told I'd never vb as I was too small and failed to properly go into labour first time - didn't even engage.

Justaskingnottelling
I might have not explained my experience correctly, I didn't mean to say that the pain is in our minds, as if to say that we are at fault. Nor that my experience was pain free. With DD, I had pain but I had bleeding had drugs. She was back to back and I begged for more diamorphine. I was bleeding and strapped to monitors, I was about a minute away from intervention when I decided to push more and my baby went out. With DS, I had a perfect birth, water, music, gas and air only, only about 10min of actual pushing. What I meant to say is that I believe that focusing on the pain makes it more intense. In the same way that having a blood test done when you are scared and looking is more "painful" than one when you are distracted and telling DC not to run around. Despite both being the same pain for one given person. The anticipation of it makes the experience more intense. I think we (society) should stop terrifying people and focus on the fact that there are nice accounts too and that the more flexible we are, the more relaxed we will be and we will give ourselves a better chance of a good labour. I'm terrified of needles and I'm specifically terrified of the ones they leave in the arm or hand "just in case we need to put something later". I was so worried about my needle during labour that I was convinced it hurted more than the rest. After the birth, before any stitching, all I could ask was that they removed the needle. Every time a nurse came, I said my arm hurted... I think the pain of the arm could not be bigger than the one down there, but my brain focused on that one and, in my opinion, it exacerbated it. In my labour, during all contractions, all I could say to the nurses was that I would not give my permission to have that needle put on again! For the second, I managed the pain with a TENS until I was in labour, I went to hospital and gave birth in 90 mins, as opposed to the 8h I had with my DD.

Also, it all passes and for most, it passes relatively quickly (there's not much time to think and being idle in the middle of it) and I quickly concentrated on my baby instead of my stitches. Baths and alcohol-free witch hazel in the sanitary pads worked wonders!

Hi Jedimum

Certainly not having a go at you and I'm glad that people have positive experiences. I also think from the posts here that many/most do. I don't agree though that we focus on terrifying people. In fact that's what I take issue with that we don't acknowledge that some people do experience pain that's not easy to manage and it's not their fault. We can certainly stress that it may be the minority but it's worth admitting that for some people it's really tough and then those people are prepared and don't feel inadequate for not managing a natural birth. i guess I don't understand why its inherently better to suffer pain if you don't need to.

Having four home births, and two in hospital 'they' (midwifes/radiographer) told me each time "it's going to be huge"... One even said "do you want to rip right through to your bottom"!? Eer NO. With my fourth, I asked the radiographer privately (after being told by the midwife and doctor he would be over ten pound ) we were told he actually would be more than eight and a half pounds. He was born three weeks later tipping the scales at a comfortable (almost) eight pounds and one quarter ounce ! I'm sure it's to scare you 'in' and to undermine your inner strength. They are trying it on. Keep doing your 'squatting' stretches and rubbing olive oil around the perineum , you'll be great !