To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

To echo what other posters have said, it's different for everyone and you can't predict ahead of the event what it's going to be like, however I think if you are expecting it to be pain-free, you are likely to be disappointed. It's great that you are doing everything you can to prepare yourself.
From my own experiences I would suggest that you acknowledge it's likely to be intensely painful but that you'll cope with it as best you can.
I did perineal massage before both births but needed episiotomies both times. Try not to buy in too heavily to any set ideas of what the birth should be like. Oh, and they're not always right about baby's weight. I saw a feed a few days ago about positive birthing experiences, see if you can find that. It's entirely normal to feel nervous but you will get through this.

Saw a study that said that the amount of pain when giving birth is not related to the size of the baby.

I had pain relief for the contractions and absolutely nothing when it came to pushing. My DD was 8lb 11. I had a level 3 tear. The size won't make a difference to the strength of your contractions. I couldn't cope with them but the pushing was fine.
I think you're better to go in with an open mind as you never know what might happen.

I also think it's unhelpful for anyone to say 'CS is the pain free option so all women should be offered it, because PAIN'.

For some women, vaginal birth with no pain relief is a walk in the park. For others, elective CS is the same.

However for some women VB IS very painful and has lasting consequences that take a while to heal from- but the same can be said for CS! I have seen far more women postnatally who've been horrified at how long it is taking them to recover from CS than VB (think, women who are very surprised that they are day 6 post section and can't walk around normally, are feeling in pain still, etc). That's not by any means to say that we should be telling people that CS is painful.

The reality is: having a baby is more than likely gonna hurt at some point whether you go through labour or not. Your best thing is to arm yourself with lots of coping strategies, keep an open mind, see how it goes and do what's right for YOU at the time and not what you feel other people might want or judge you for. Their opinion doesn't matter. And then, be kind to your recovering body. xxx

go in with an open mind and do what you need to do. If that ends up involving an epidural/CS/ventouse whatever then remember you have in no way failed.

Growth scans are pretty useless. My 10lb baby was actually 7.11 and only a week early.

I had two VBs with very different sized babies - first was 7lbs induced, second just shy of 9lbs not induced. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it was easy - it wasn't, it was bloody hard work and quite scary at the end but the big advantage of a CS was that I was well recovered within a very short space of time. I had second degree tears with both that needed stitches - that was nowhere near as bad as it sounds. I would probably have found the whole process easier if I had an epidural but I chose not to. I would have liked a water birth as I know lots of people find that helps but wasn't allowed one because i needed to have IV antibiotics during labour

I have had 2 vaginal no pain relief births.
I can tell you they weren't fucking "easy"

OP I've had 3 very different births - all natural though. I had an epidural for one.

The way your birth will go will (IME) depend on the position of the baby. My baby no2 was a text book, drug free birth. Waters broke. A few hours of painful but bearable contractions, and then fast delivery.

But I had one back to back (beyond agony, shoulder systocia - hence the epidural) and no3 was not back to back, but awkwardly positioned - kind of halfway between back to back and normal. So painful, but still natural with no interventions, just gas and air (good stuff!). I tore each time, and was sewn up again.

You really can only go into it with an open mind, and takes what comes. Your hypnobirthing and NCT stuff will be a positive thing to focus on. Good luck.

From my experience, just don't go with expectations of how it will go and how you will cope.

I was ready to have an epidural and ended up not having time for one. The push phase was on gas and air and I'm not even sure I was breathing it properly. I had pethidine at some point in the very first stages.

It hurt, badly, but it wasn't horrific. It wasn't nice as such, but it felt good that I knew what was happening with the contractions, including when they stopped for a little while and the midwives were all going push.
I'd have been happy with an epidural.

From what I hear from friends, etc, it's induction that seems to lead more to c sections, but midwives may have a different experience.

And mother's weight has nothing to do with baby weight or capacity to deliver. Or the vagina. It's basically the pelvic canal that matters.

Just be happy when your baby comes out. How it does is the least important bit.

Please don't worry, size really isn't everything. My 10lb baby was the fastest labour, the smallest was the emergency c section after the longest labour. I am the same height as you and back when I was a young mum I was a size 10, more of a 12 now unfortunately.

Personally, I think the thing being "sold" now is this idea that you can have the birth you want. Obviously, you should plan and prepare if you want a vaginal birth, or a c-section, BUT, you should also be prepared that things may not go the way you planned and not let yourself feel bad or upset if it doesn't go the way you want.

The absolutely most important thing is that you and your child are alive and as healthy as possible, not whether they came out of your vagina or a surgical slice.

'Sold lies'?! How did you think it was going to come out!? It's not like you got pregnant on the recommendation of all these health professionals telling you it would be all pain free and lovely.

I cannot comprehend this idea that major abdominal surgery is some how the easy, pain free option. It's really bloody not. It's also an expensive drain on the NHS!

Scan measurements can be way out so don't get too worried.

Birth does hurt. It is highly unlikely you will be one of the few women who lie find that it doesn't.

That said, people do get through it without pain relief and you can choose to try to do that. But guess what?! You can choose to have pain relief! You're not tied to what your NCT teacher suggested. You're open minded so do some research about your options, don't make any rigid birth plan - prepare to be adaptable on the day.

FWIW I did pregnancy yoga, active birthing workshops, and hypnobirthing style actualisations. I ALSO used gas and air and remifentanyl. These things are not all mutually exclusive and any natural birth proponent who suggests that they are is a fanatic who doesn't care about you. I arrived at hospital at 5pm, DD was born before 10pm, vaginal delivery, no interventions, no traumas (not a single stitch). I was high as a kite for some of it and those were the best bits . DD came out holding her head up very impressive apparently but a bit freaky and latched on to my boob straight away. All was good.

Aim of the game = healthy baby, healthy you. Never feel guilty about the steps you take to try to achieve that. And remember, birth is a big day, biggest of your life perhaps, but not to your DC. They won't remember and they don't care how you do it. Being a parent is so so so much more than the birth.

Good luck - you can do it - just do it how is best for you and don't worry about external pressures.

No sorry Owl, I absolutely didn't mean by my anecdote that therefore CS was better and pain free. It was solely meant to indicate the reluctance of the NCT teacher to talk about pain, and the fact that it's actually a bad thing - sometimes a means to an end, but inherently bad.

• the big advantage OVER a CS

I wouldn't bet on anything. I wanted a water birth. I ended up on the drip for 8 hours then an emcs. I was so sure of how my birth was going to go I really had issues accepting how it all went down, to the extent that I felt I hadn't given birth to my son because I had a c-section. My labour/delivery was the exact opposite of what I wanted, don't get your heart set on anything

You really won't know until you're in the situation. It's not something which is easy to describe, and is different for everyone. I'm usually a 6-8, weighed under 8 stone when I fell pregnant with my first, 5 foot 6 and he was 8lb11. I'd had extra scans because they were convinced he would be small. Scans can often be very wrong at the end. I had a great pregnancy with him, found birth painful but manageable. Gas and air made me sick so I had pethidine which made me sleep between contractions, which was good because I'd been in labour for days and was exhausted. Had a small tear, then everything went wrong and I suffered an eclamptic seizure, when they hadn't even realised I'd developed pre-eclampsia.

Second baby was 9lb5oz, with a really big head! The scans were accurate in his case, they exactly predicted his weight. Pregnancy was full of problems and out of control blood pressure, but luckily didn't develop into pre-eclampsia. 99th centile head, and the midwife told me people my perineum stretched 'beautifully' Unfortunately, his shoulder got stuck and he was in distress, so they cut me and pulled! Found labour a lot more painful second time around because of the induction. I also only pushed for five minutes and he was out.

The first birth was nothing like the second. My mom tore quite badly with me at 9lb4oz, and no tears at all with my 10lb10oz sister. I knew a lady pregnant at the same time as me who was convinced that she was an expert of it, despite it being her first. She claimed that people only tore during labour because they're pushing too much. As you can probably guess, she tore.

Just see how things go when you're in there, don't feel guilted into sticking rigidly to the plans you made before you'd known how it would be for you.

I had the same worries as you, now cuddling my beautiful 3 1/2 week old dd. I really don't have a high pain threshold (ie can genuinely cry when stubbing my toe!), but I ended up having a completely natural birth.

Leading up to labour I was obsessed with my 'plan' - relaxing music, birth affirmations, soft lighting, a birth pool etc. I thought without all of these things I couldn't do it. It's a long story but I ended up giving birth at home in our bathroom with dd delivered by my husband. No music, no affirmations, no birthing pool, no soft lighting. But it was amazing. Painful yes, but not as bad as I imagined & so special.

I do think a lot of it is 'mind over matter', as I'd been sent home from the hospital I had no idea how far along I was, so I was just taking things as they came. The biggest thing for me was letting go of that control. It's gonna happen anyway so just trust your body to do what it's made to do, this is one thing you can't control. Things like water, hypo birthing etc are great, but remember that you don't 'need' these things to give birth. Something I read which I love it "this pain can't be stronger than me, because it is me".

When I think back to dds birth I feel so happy. It was completely against my 'plan' but everything worked out & I wouldn't change it for the world.

Every birth is different. It can be empowering, scary, visceral, shocking, hilarious, fun, all in the one delivery. I remember at 37 weeks with my first child having a similar reality check moment, that this was really going to happen and I didn't known how it was going to go, what exactly was going to happen on the day, how it would feel and how I would manage.

What struck me most in your post was the words 'pain free'. Birth is very very unlikely to be totally pain free. It is painful, or at least was for everyone I know and have discussed it with. Contractions are painful for most people, but they serve a purpose and for some women are really manageable. Delivering the baby hurts but it is also over relatively quickly in the scheme of things and for many women is an incredibly empowering experience. And many, many women manage the pain with minimal or no pain relief (eg gas and air) and some women don't tear at all while others have tiny tears. It depends on so many factors - some are in your control but many are not. The baby's position can have a huge impact on how painful it is and there's not all that much you can do about that. The experience of the staff helping you deliver your baby can have an impact.

It sounds like you've done everything you can to prepare. Going in with a positive but pragmatic mindset is probably your best bet. To a certain extent you have to give yourself over to the process. It's very primal. I have two dc, one born 'naturally' (in quote marks as I went in hoping to stick to gas and air and have a water birth but in the end was induced, had an epidural, ventouse, episiotomy plus big tear) and one born by elcs (wonderful birth, painful recovery managed with pain medication). My birth experience with my first dc was the most visceral, intense, primal, extreme experience of my life. It still amazes me when I think of it, 6 years later. It was great and amazing and painful and fun and awful and astonishing and shocking and thrilling. Extreme. I think most births involve many of those moments all mixed up together.

Many women do tear but it generally heals well. Many women do find it much more painful than they imagined and have pain relief when they didn't expect to - but personally I'm thankful we have that option. Your birth with be different to everyone else's but similar. You may well need some intervention but you'll be ok. It'll be different to what you expect, probably, but then the key is to keep your expectations a little vague! Good luck!

I had 2 babies with no pain relief, I had planned to have whatever was avaliable to me and It was painful but not unmanageable. The good thing about contractions is that you get a break from the pain! When I had my first I had listened to all the hype about the awful pain that you can't bear so when I went into labour and started having proper contractions I kept thinking ok, I coped with that ill wait until it gets worse and then it was time to push. The worst bit is crowning but that doesn't last long and then it's all over.

They told me my DD would be over 9lbs with a big head from her scans (I had lots due to an abnormality) but she popped out at 7lb 10 with a perfect little head.

DS was 9lb with a huge head but I had him in the water doing hypnobirthing and it was a lovely experience, much easier than pushing lying flat on the bed.

The best advice I personally can give you is not to panic, try to keep control and remember that you get a pain free break between contractions to get yourself together. If you can have a water birth I would go for it. I had the lights off and it was so relaxing.

Anyway, the worst bit is not the labour and birth, it's when they hand you a tiny person wrapped like a burrito and tell you to go home!! The first night was way worse than I ever imagined :)

I had a 9lb baby - did hypnobirthing with gas and air and now usually have to keep quiet in labour conversations as mine were both embarrassingly quick and easy!
Yes there was pain but just concentrate on relaxing your pelvic muscles and don't get too fixed on how you want it to go. If you need more help - take it, if baby needs more help - take it. As mentioned the aim is healthy mum and baby. Take care and try not to worry, it will all come together at the right moment.

Some women barely notice their periods, others are crying in agony with the pain.

It's a bit the same with giving birth. See how you feel at the time, you can't even compare 2 of your own babies.

The advantage, for me, of having a vaginal birth was that I could go home the day after. Hospital was driving me mad already.

Thing is when you about to do anything new and scary doubt and worry rarely helps. Confidence and looking forward to the results (squee, baby!) generally does.

My experience of hypnobirthing is that it provided an opportunity to be positive and excited about birth rather than all the doom and gloom so many people peddle. Whatever happens will happen but ultimately having a baby is a GOOD thing. An AMAZING thing. I danced around during transition shouting 'I'm having a baby! The baby is coming!' then got into the pool and the grunting and fuck fuck fuck started. But only for about 15/20mins or so.

You haven't being peddled lies it's perfectly possible to have a straightforward vaginal birth. It's perfectly possible (I'm told) to have a hypnobirthing c-section - a friend of mine had the hypnobirthing music on during her section and says she felt the relaxation techniques really helped with the surgery fear.

I can't see how relaxation techniques can ever be a bad thing to learn, tbh

I was told my first would be over 9 lb but she turned up as a tiny 6lb 6oz.

My second was 7lb 8oz but my labour's were both so quick that we barely made it to the hospital.

The reality is that you won't know what will happen until the day. I know the uncertainty is scary but try not to worry too much about it, it won't help and will only stress you and the baby.

Best of luck and you'll have to come back and tell us how it worked out for you.