To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

My SIL was told all her babies were big (had a late growth scan with all of them due to measuring big) and none of them were above 8lb!!

Growth scans are guestimation not solid fact.

As for the rest of it.... you do what you have to do on the day and yes some people have a rough time. Statistically first births are more likely to require intervention BUT the majority of women manage natural births.

I pracised natal hypnotherapy techniques but on the day it kicked off early labour which I did 36h at home it all went out the window. I didn't find it useful at all.

That said I managed a natural delivery after an epic 50h in labour. I didn't have an epidural and I had no tears or grazes. I was wrecked overall but my actual bits came out relatively unscathed.

Second baby all but popped out.

Don't be scared, don't be naive (it's no walk in the park) but trust your body whilst knowing there is help and support and drugs if you need them!!

I was adamant I didn't want pethedine but had it in the end as in that moment I'd have accepted bloody anything! I found it great, it relaxed me enough to get through the contractions without an epidural. I didn't feel spaced out at all and DD wasn't sleepy and fed straightaway.

Both mine were 9lb babies - DS threatened to be 10lb+

Nothing wrong with planning a natural birth, but don't set yourself up for "failure" - the important thing is to get your baby born and keep you both healthy. There are no certificates for "Best Delivery Of The Week" so you do what you need and blow the theory stuff!

When I was having my own wobble over the impending birth of DS, there were terrible floods in Africa. One woman's story touched me: she'd been heavily pregnant and had actually given birth in a tree! Both baby and mother were fine.
It made me realise that this is what our bodies are designed to do and that we will cope.

"I want a natural migraine, with no pain relief."
"I want a natural root canal filling, with no pain relief."
"I want a natural hernia operation, with no pain relief."

Even if you don't expect to need pain relief, why on earth would you rule it out in advance? It's like my friends who were genuinely shocked that their new baby kept waking up in the night. Obviously they'd been told that other people's babies did that but they'd thought somehow their own would be different.

OP

I think that you have done all you can to prepare yourself with breathing etc. That will help you. I think if you believe birth will be pain free then that is misguided. But I can't really believe that your classes have led you to believe this. Controlling your fear is the thing.

Now you just have to accept that you can't control the outcome, you don't know exactly how you'll feel, and that statistically it's very possible some kind of intervention may be required.

AFAIK - large baby does not inevitably lead to difficulties

After a horrendous labour and birth I definitely felt lied to. I didn't realise that I would feel like I was actually dying. I would never, and have never, told my pregnant friends this, as the chances are this won't be their experience, and if it is they'll feel lied to and deal with it like I did.

I try and speak matter of factly and advise them to keep an open mind.

I had a natural migraine the other week (am breastfeeding and DS had already had calpol so wasn't sure if I could even take paracetamol)...I spent the day lying in a dark room crying

Have you thought about a water birth OP? I had one and it was fab.

I went in without a real birth plan. All I said was I didn't want an epidural because I was scared of having one. I ended up being induced and with a back to back labour. I had gas and air and would have had more pain relief but I couldn’t talk due to the pain. They turned the induction drip up so high it was like having a constant contraction.

Labour is hard. It is painful. It is silly to pretend otherwise. There is nothing wrong with needing pain relief, it doesn't mean you didn't handle it as well. Take whatever you need to get through the birth is my advice. You may not need anything at all. But to rule it out already is silly. Good luck op.

I think the main thing to remember is that whatever happens, it is an utter waste of time feeling a failure if it doesn't go the way you planned. That way lies madness.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear?

If you're expecting a pain free delivery, you've been conned.

However, there's a lot to be said about going into labour with a positive mind set.

The size of the baby isn't necessarily correlated with the difficulty of the delivery: mine were 6lb and 9lb, and the bigger one was much easier.

Well I refused to achknowedle that labour was going to happen and refused to go to even antenatal classes or hear anything about birth so I thought I was dying because that level of pain can't possible be normal but it turns out it is so I would say that being prepared and k owing what's going on will definitely be a good thing, don't see how it's be pain free but at least you'll know what's going on

I think any woman who expects labour to be pain free is conning herself and flying the face of overwhelming evidence because she wants it to be pain free. Assume and plan for the worst, enjoy it when it is not as bad as you expected.

Your goal is to go home with a healthy baby. Do what you need to get the best chance of you both being well!

I had a c section with my daughter (breech baby). I remember being upset when a friend told me afterwards that she hopes she doesn't have an unnatural birth like mine as she wants to experience the 'real thing'. I now don't worry because my toddler is very real and the only important thing is that she is ok.

I think you are thinking too rigidly about the whole thing OP.
The 'reality' is - labour and birth is just something you can't really predict. As others have said you might find you have a quick and easy labour even with a big baby. Or you might have a small baby and struggle for a long time. Every birth and every experience is different, and I think you are panicking unnecessarily.

All you can really do is carry on with your hypnobirthing, relax and keep an open mind.
You don't get a medal whichever way you give birth - if you need assistance or you need drugs, you need them. Nothing to be ashamed of if you don't have a natural, drug free birth.

Some women do have pain free labours. I've met one. I also know a woman who gave birth in her sleep and only woke up as she was doing the final push to get the baby out - woke up to a whoosh...

Saying that all labours are awful and painful is just as damaging (worse?) as saying that they can all be 'natural' and pain free.

It is so unpredictable, what can any one say? I am teeny (5'1" and less than 8stone) but I never tore or needed stitches for any of my 3. I didn't do.any perineal massaging, I was just lucky. You may be - or you may not. No one knows.

I had 3 'natural labours' (2 at home) and while they were not pain free, the massive plus w as that I felt physically well very soon afterwards. But that is my body. All that matters for you is your labour. I suggest an open mind & go with the flow.

Just accept that there's a huge amount outside of your control. That whether the birth goes to plan or not has got almost nothing to do with 'you' per se.

My baby had the cord wrapped round his neck 3 times. No amount of hypno breathing was going to get me out of that one. Thankfully intervention was fast and decisive.

I'm very grateful for my birth, despite having all the interventions going and tonnes of pain relief, culminating in a GA.

I felt like a fucking hero afterwards.

I did hypnobirthing and had a water birth. After 10 hours of contractions and 2 hours of pushing, I delivered my 10lbs 3oz baby using gas and air. I didn't tear. I would describe my labour as intense, overwhelming, exhausting, but not painful.

I am under no illusion that it could have been an entirely different experience and I in no way 'made' it happen the way it did.

But I think that's the point - you can't predict how your delivery will turn out, be it that you need EMCS, forceps delivery, episiotomy etc. But you can take control of the way you approach it.

I found a lot of hypnobirthing to be airy fairy bollox (just my opinion) BUT some of the ideas really did make sense to me (Eg labour is not painful. Pain means something is wrong whereas contractions are your body doing what it is meant to be doing) I found that by reading up as much as I could, I went into labour feeling prepared for a variety of outcomes and excited about what lay ahead, rather than scared.

Just don't let anyone bully you into thinking you MUST battle on with 'natural' if things get difficult. Some people are positively evangelical about it, and may try to make you think that any other way is failure. And there is a tendency IMO for people who have had very easy deliveries to think it is all down to their own good management, positive attitude, etc., when IMO an awful lot of it is down to luck.
The end object of it all is a healthy baby, and a well mother, and how you get there is of less importance.
Both mine were problematical, though not forecast to be so, and I remember particularly with my 2nd, being so glad and grateful for specialist help available in a nice modern hospital, compared with say a grandmother of mine, who had to battle at home for 3 whole days and nights with the very difficult birth of my father. It frightened her so much that there were were any more babies.

I was going to have a water birth, only gas and air etc.
In reality my dd's movements slowed down so I was induced, ended up having dimorphine, which was amazing. Then she got distressed and her heart rate kept dropping with every contraction. Very swift intervention emcs, healthy baby and mum. My dd had the cord round her neck, she was pretty much bungy jumping with every contraction. No amount of positive thinking would have helped tbh.
What I'm saying is, please keep an open mind, any birth that results in a healthy baby is a successful one, the rest is just stuff.

Anybody who believes that ANY childbirth experience can be pain free staggeringly naive. There are bloggers and writers who present it through very rose-tinted glasses (which isn't entirely unreasonable - I find it very difficult to remember the pain of my two labours, to be honest), but the bottom line is that you are pushing a baby out through your vagina. It is going to hurt. It hurts a lot for some people, less for other, it happens in the twinkling of an eye for some women, but takes days of labour for others.

The only thing you can do is go in with an open mind. Whether your baby pops out with just gas and air or you have a c-section and every drug ever invented, it DOESN'T MAKE YOUR EXPERIENCE ANY LESS OR MORE VALID.

My big, glorious revelation was that you can have ALL the pain relief. During my NCT classes, where everyone except me and one other woman (whose husband was an obstetrician) was all "Oh, no pain relief for me", pain relief was not adequately explained, and I thought that opting for an epidural meant that I was opting OUT of all other pain relief - that you couldn't safely mix them. Imagine my joy when they tanked me up with Meptid for the 12 hours before I could have an epi (I had a long, boring and moderately painful first labour).

Just because a childbirth blog has beautiful photography doesn't meant that the blogger knows ANYTHING about the reality of childbirth, or is even remotely qualified to advise you on your own labour.

Go into it with an open mind, and learn about ALL your options, even the ones you think don't apply to you.

I found the birth of my DD to absolutely fine. It wasn't as painful as I feared it might be, I had one tiny tear and it was pretty fast. It didn't feel unmanageable at any point.
It won't necessarily be terrible.
Approach it with a positive attitude, an open mind and go with the flow.

You'll probably be more inclined to follow a natural birth for going in with your eyes open.

The antenatal class I went to with dd2 (didn't do one with dc1) there were two second time mums and the rest were first time.
The first time mums would say "I'm going to only have breathing/tens/sweet thoughts/music. Us two would look at each other and exchange grins. We tried not to giggle too much when statements,such as "if I practice my breathing it won't hurt at all"

Afterwards, out of the 10 first time mums, 4 came to us,afterwards and thanked us because they said that made them think that it wasn't necessary going to be as in the book, and they then weren't totally thrown when it did hurt, and so they had looked at alternatives beforehand, which meant they felt more in control.

I have never met a doctor, nurse or NCT leader who suggests all births are pain free and easy so you must have had a very strange set of people talking to you. However most of us give birth vaginally and although first births tend to be the hardest most of us manage fine in the end. I was able to have babies vaginally without problems. Lots of women are. I found gas and air useful.

I have given birth three times and all were very different indeed. Two were vaginal (but not at all the same) and the final one was an emergency c-section.

For me the only answer was to be open minded all the way and not bother making birth plans in case I couldn't stick with them.

If you do write a birth plan then be prepared to be flexible and deviate as needed.

Natural birth without intervention is not the be all and end all IMHO, but a healthy outcome for both mother and baby absolutely IS, by whatever means necessary.