To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

I had my nearly 10 lb baby at home. I had a water pool which was brilliant

Any midwives reading: I wanted a water birth at the birth centre, but when I got there they measured my bump, realised I had a 10lber in there and refused me.

I was told I had to give birth on the normal ward so I was near theatre in case anything went wrong - which they were expecting, once they saw the size of me.

Just really curious to know how a PP can have a water birth to a 10lb baby at home without needing to be near a hospital?

Was I just the wrong shape or something?

I'm in the minority but had a 6lb baby and a third degree tear. It was a horrible painful experience and due to expecting a small baby I did not expect the tearing etc. I don't think you've been lied to exactly but it's best to know that every birth is different and til its over there is little to predict how it will go. Good luck.

The problem is the Unknown, if you knew that early labour lasts x hours then later stages are y then baby is born, you could lie back and think of whatever until each stage is past.
But it's hard to be relaxed and positive if contractions have been for ages and nothing seems to be happening...... Your anxieties get in the way, and tiredness.

My issue with the natural birth movement is the denial or minimising of potential issues. Most women give birth vaginally, and many do so without any pain relief. However OP, there is nothing wrong with going in with an open mind and just taking things as they come. Gas and air, pethidine, epidural etc, whatever it takes to keep you as comfortable and control of the situation.

In my non-scientific research women who have larger babies seem to tear less!

All the best OP!

InSoho, there's no reason at all why you can't have a 10lb baby in the water at home. My '10lber' was less than that in the end but there was no suggestion that I shouldn't continue with my home birth plan.

The possibility could be that they thought you had a lot of amniotic fluid as well as a large baby. That can be a risk in childbirth as it increases the risk of cord prolapse, and most midwives would suggest a hospital birth in that situation. Whether it would be a labour ward or midwife unit I guess would be a judgement call or down to hospital protocol. NICE guidelines are birth in an obstetric unit IF diagnosed by ultrasound.

I have positive stories to tell of birthing big babies!

I've had 3 - first was 9 lb 6, second was 11 lb (really!) and third was 10 lb 2.

First was in a midwife led unit, and they were brilliant. Long labour due to her being back to back, I had pethedine to help me sleep in between contractions. It was such a long labour that it wore off and then I was allowed to get in the pool. She shifted and everything became manageable. The best way I can describe it is it stopped being overwhelming pain and became productive pain. The contractions still hurt but I could feel her moving down and knew there was an end. She was delivered in water - brilliant experience.

Got on so well, the next one was at home. Did hypnobirthing and had a doula and a pool. Worst thing about this birth was that I was horrifically constipated and nothing helped, so I was pushing against a big blockage. The doula was brilliant and I'd thoroughly recommend one. No-one expected her to be as big as she was - the mw's comment was "you must have a pelvis like a bucket"... I cried.

Third one - everyone said babies only get bigger, so I was expecting to give birth to the Christmas turkey. In the end he was smaller! Also a water birth and by far the easiest birth. They wouldn't let me go in the birth centre initially, but I contacted the mw supervisor, explained my birth history, and the fact that the birth centre was 30 seconds away from theatre if I needed an emergency c-section, and they let me do it.

Anecdotally, bigger babies can be easier to birth if you are labouring upright (which I did a lot of) as gravity helps!

I managed to birth all 3 without tearing or stitches - I did have SPD throughout all 3 pregnancies, which may have helped at the birth with stretchiness.

What really helped me with no1 as I am a control freak, was making a birth plan for every eventuality. I'm sure the mw's didn't read beyond page 1...

But I knew, and so did OH what we wanted to happen

no.1 ideal waterbirth (which luckily we got)
no.2 if I had to transfer to hospital
no.3 if I had to have an epidural
no.4 if I had to have a c-section
no.5 if the baby had to go to NICU

It just really helped me to get my head straight and I felt I had covered all eventualities. I knew that if I wasn't capable of communicating that DH knew my wishes. I was open minded in that I didn't say an outright no to anything, but I had definite preferences. Ironically I really didn't want pethedine as an option, as I'd reacted badly to opiate based painkillers previously, but it was a life saver and helped me stay in the birth centre.

Good luck - you forget about the pain pretty quickly IME and you get to enjoy gorgeous newborn cuddles. I miss those!

just be open minded and remember birth is not a reflection of you, your competence, your womanliness or your parenting skills - nor is it a competitive sport

aim for what you want but if you have drugs, have complication, need assistance that is birth - that's what happens

oh and giving birth is natural - weather you do it without the assistance of drugs or Dr's or not

Well OP I guess the thing is for some people giving birth 'naturally' is easier than others, but honestly in many cases it is harder and painful than some classes would have you believe.

Fwiw having given birth vaginally and by planned cs, I much preferred the latter. I found it easier to recover.

For my vaginal birth by dd was back to back so that made things harder, but I do wonder if I'd learnt some breathing / hypno type methods if it may have helped

I'd encourage you not to judge yourself however you give birth. A healthy, happy baby and a speedy recover is your aim. The method really really doesn't matter ultimately

I was adamant that I was going to have a drug free, natural birth. I took hypnobirthing classes, read up about breathing techniques and listened to lots of stories from other women about how their birthing experiences were "empowering" and it was a "positive pain" etc. A colleague who is very anti-pain relief told me that contractions just feel like moderately bad period pains and I believed her because I wanted to believe her. All these things had me convinced that a drug free, natural birth is achievable for everybody and looking back now I feel very naive.

What I wasn't banking on was that towards the end of my pregnancy I would develop SPD so severe that I had to use a wheelchair, so I was already in constant pain and chronically sleep deprived well before I went into labour. I also couldn't have predicted that I would be in labour for almost three days. In the end I was so exhausted that I wasn't able to mentally cope with the pain and I begged for an epidural. I felt like a complete failure, despite the Midwives and DH being really lovely and supportive.

It didn't help that once I was on the recovery ward, the DP of woman in the bed next to me spent literally hours on his mobile calling everyone he knew and telling them (very loudly) how she "stuck to her guns" and refused pain relief and how he couldn't understand why so many women "cave in and take the easy way out" when she managed it "no problem".
DH was ready to throttle him

Just keep an open mind op. Pain relief is there if you need it. I was hell-bent on a drug-free home birth (can't really remember why???)and ended up having an epidural and forceps with no 1 and a cs with no 2! Every labour is different. And mine were both 7lbs but had massive heads- I'd have taken a 9lber with a regular sized head any day!!! Good luck☺

Following birth I had exactly the same feelings you do now. My body did NOT know what to do. My body did everything it could to protect ME (stopped contractions so I could rest, effectively giving up on trying to get the baby out). I did have a pain -relief free birth but because of the drs/ midwives refusing me pain relief when asked.

I think I have PTSD and need to speak to someone, I feel very very let down, lied to and angry about labour and birth and how 'natural' it is. Arsenic is natural. I don't want to eat it.

If men had to give birth, we'd now have some way of zapping babies out of us. I think that the whole 'empowerment' of women having natural births is completely ridiculous.

If it helps my only child was born easily with no pain relief. I was very lucky to have done hypnobirthing and be able to use a birthing pool at the hospital. I'm tiny and baby was average size. Had to have a few stitches after and had gas n air then. Staying calm and positive makes all the difference even if there are problems. I hope it all goes well for you xxx

Junosmum

try www.birthtraumaassociation.org.uk/ and also if your hospital has a listening Midwife or debriefing service look into that.

I had PTSD after the birth of my second child and anti natal depression with my 3rd - good luck

perineal massage? How many heavily pregnant women could summons the energy and motivation.

I had three fairly natural births, some pain relief and one induction but no other intervention or epidurals. I believe this is down to luck and genetics, nothing special that I did. I drank raspberry leaf tea for my last baby, that labour was triple the length of the other two.

I was cut with the first, tore with the second and didn't need any stitches with the last (obviously I have a bucket fanny now!) I am tiny (height and weight back then). I still managed to birth babies who were all nearly 8lb. My second birth was 3 hours with only a small amount of gas and air. I didn't get a medal for it though and don't see it as my personal achievement, I got lucky.

You don't know how your body will react until you are in labour. Go with the flow, don't set your heart on any particular way of birthing. The only measure of a successful birth is mum and baby being healthy at the other end. Cs, epidural, forceps whatever. They are still a success story if mum is well and takes home a healthy baby.

I will never understand why so many women put such pressure on themselves to give birth without pain relief. You wouldn't get a tooth pulled without pain relief, why would you want to squeeze a baby out of your foof without it? When my time comes I'll take everything they have!

I have had 5 births. Baby 3,4 and 5 all hypnibirthed. Baby 4 had no pain at all and only felt the crowning. He was my biggest baby too. The smaller they are the easier it is for them to get into awkward positions.

The main thing with hypnobirthing is the fear. The pain is reduced by at least 50% (in my case) when I relaxed. A tens machine worked wonders for me but relaxing the body was the most important thing.

Oh and breathing is very important. I did have gas and air (mainly because I love it) but a little trick in case you end up having it is to breathe in and out of the tube. Don't breathe in and then remove to breathe out. It works so much better and you instantly relax after the second inhale.

Keep an open mind. The ease of birth is really dictated by the position of the baby on the day and your own physiology and how the two interact. Weight isn't as big a factor as positioning.
Hypnobirthing has uses in assisting you yo keep calm but keeping flexible is more important. You may (hopefully) have a straightforward birth with minimal pain. You may need intervention. Try to get out of the mindset that pain is a function of how tough you are - it isn't. It's down to that physiology/position combo.

Think about some If-then outcomes. So for example:

If it's all going fine then I'd rather not have an epidural
If I have a choice between forceps and c section I'd go for section.

Cover all bases and don't put pressure on yourself

Haven't read whole thread - seem to be a load of posts telling you that birth is unpredictable, and there's nothing you can do that might impact on the likelihood of a straightforward birth so just 'go with the flow'.

I'd like to add that if having a straightforward birth is important to you, increase the chance of it happening by:

• having a doula
• going to a birth centre

and (probably) avoiding an epidural.

At least that's what all the research suggests.

You might also choose a hospital with a high normal birth rate. You can check out the stats for your hospital here:

The highest normal birth rate in the UK for first time mums is 62%, and the lowest is 32%, and those figures are adjusted to take account of patient profiles. Shocking IMO. Choose your hospital with care...

This is a better link to the RCOG site. You can look up local hospitals here.

I'd really go in with an open mind and not have a fixed idea of what you want to happen. Sometimes people have a great birth plan and it all goes to plan, but looking at my experiences and those of my friends, it doesn't always work like that. The most miserable new mum I know was my friend who had a very fixed idea of how her birth was going to go, so when it went wrong she felt like she'd been cheated out of the natural birth she wanted.

I had a vaginal birth, but frankly had every bit of pain relief on offer, including having an epidural for both, as I don't do pain and didn't see it as necessary.

OP ,like you, I am 5'4", and my first baby was 9 pounds.
I consider it a natural birth (and that doesn't mean better in any way) because I gave birth vaginally without forceps, ventouse or episiotomy. I did have painkillers , pethidine followed by gas and air. I did tear and required stitches, but nothing too serious and no long term problems resulting from that. I also did no prep at all, no massages, no breathing techniques, and no birthing pool. I just laid on my back (slightly propped up) to push and it was fine.
Incidentally, quite a few posters have said it's impossible to have a painfree labour without pain relief. That's not really true, a very small number of women do have that. One woman I know had to put her hand on her abdomen to know if she was having a contraction.

Everyone is different. I think you need to accept you don't know until it starts and then go with what you need. It's not a competition it's about you and your baby and what you need.

Just to add, I was told by a midwife (I did 8 weeks midwifery as part of my RGN) that births of bigger babies can be easier because they are able to exert more pressure down the birth canal , and basically do more of the work themselves.
Not sure if that was true or not, but you never know with midwives,

Haven't reads through all the posts but just wanted to say don't doubt yourself now! Your baby is perfect for your body. Speak to your HB practitioner if you're having a wobble.

Good luck.