To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

I felt I had more persuasion that a CS wasn't as bad as all that and much more patronising over my feelings towards wanting to avoid having a CS. I don't recall any hcp ever suggesting to me that a natural birth was in any way superior. They all tried to get me to see the benefits of a CS. Side effects from it were minimised, my feelings were dismissed.

My vbs were ridiculously easy, not making the labour room on one occasion, no tears etc. However I had imagined that a midwife would be there telling me to push something that has never happened in three vbs. So even if it is a vb it might not be quite how you imagine.

I am 5ft 2 and was in those days a size 12.I gave birth to a 9lb 8oz baby with just gas and air and a small tear which healed well .
Said baby is now a midwife and says she wants a water birth if she ever has a baby .They are by far the 'best' labours she has assisted with
I believe here is evidence that you are far more likely to need a forceps delivery if you have an epidural .And a Caesaerean is a major operation .Just saying ...

You have your best case scenario mapped out so take a moment to think through your worst case scenario and what choices you want to make.

For example, I was planning a home birth, with a pool etc etc. Ended up induced, epidural, episiotomy and ventouse! I had researched all of these options and felt confident that I had chosen to progress each stage rather than that my hand was being forced - it took away the fear. I also knew that I was adamant I would not allow forceps and so I would have had a c-section if the ventouse hadnt worked.

Keep an open mind. If the birth is prolonged and you want pain relief then demand it. My first labour was 72 hours long, and I was determined not to have pain relief as there was so much bad press about epidurals. Gas and air made me want to vomit so that was no good. I finally gave in and had an epidural after 60 hours (to everyone's relief), and the rest of the birth was blissful. Each time the pain returned they topped up the epidural. I still pushed the baby out naturally with no need for ventouse (8lbs 10oz) as my midwife was so brilliant at instructing me what to do. With the second baby I asked for an epidural straight away - I gave birth in 13 hours with no other intervention needed. Child birth does not need to be painful, and I don't understand why natural birth was drilled so hard into us at NCT classes. My deliveries were unusually long - some people breeze through it in just a few hours. Everyone is different and you can't predict anything. The key is to be open minded.

15% of births a year end up in an emergency section. About 75% of women having their first baby will have a succesful vaginal delivery.
My advice would be to stay mobile, stay upright and if you're a low risk, healthy woman try and get to a birth centre rather than an obstetric led unit where intervention is more likely.
You can do it, of course you can. Women all over the world give birth safely and vaginally everyday. As Ina May Gaskin says, your body is not a lemon.
You haven't been sold a pack of lies. The midwives (I'm guessing midwives and not Drs) have told you how it can be and how it used to be. The rest is up to you. If you go in with the attitude that you can't do it then maybe you won't. You have nothing to lose by going in with a positive attitude.
And if you tear, you get stitched back up. I suppose it's what you think is worse, a perineal tear or a wound across your abdomen?

Try not to worry too much about how big your baby is. I have a friend who had a 10lb+ baby without a tear, whereas I on the other hand had a horrific tear with my 7lb baby and even a small tear with my second who was only 4lb 9oz. Also they told me that the 7lber was going to be huge and she was 10 days late too.

I did hypnobirthing during my first pregnancy which didn't go to plan. I planned a home birth which wasn't possible due to the high blood pressure at the end of pregnancy. Because of the blood pressure and intervention (midwife broke my waters) I had a very speedy labour (2 hours) with one contraction on top of the other. I only managed to use some of the hypnobirthing techniques during the pushing stage. It was not pain free and I was very disappointed the whole experience.

HOWEVER, I didn't loose faith in hypnobirthing techniques and used it during my second pregnancy and labour. I had a very positive water birth experience. I was coping so well that didn't realise that it was real labour until the tightenings became very regular. When I got to the birthing suite I asked for gas and air (just in case) as I felt like I lost control of the situation during the car journey and regretted not having a home birth. I got on a birthing ball as soon as I could and soon felt back 'in the zone'. The midwife later said that I was so calm that that she didn't think I would be as advanced as I was and was reluctant to give me gas and air or fill the pool. She did very quickly after she examined me. I had my DS an hour and a half after I got to the hospital. I'd say that the painful (although really bearable) part for me was the pushing as I think I rushed it and did push instead of breathing the baby out like hypnobirthing teaches, but the rest of labour was close to pain free. I also had my DS connected to the umbilical cord until it stopped pulsating and oral vitamin K - basically everything they teach you at the hypnobirthing. My husband even said that it was 'a really pleasant experience' second time round 😄🙄 and midwife thanked me for doing so well that there wasn't much left for her to do 😊.

As for the tear, I had it both times. But after you had your baby and the labour is over it doesn't seem like such a big deal.

SO, hypnobirthing does work and give you tools to cope BUT anything can happen, so have an open mind and go with the flow. Good luck! x

I don't think you have been sold a lie.Many people have natural births, you just can't know if that will happen or not. I chose a hospital instead of the local birthing center in case I needed pain relief and had no problem using it. In the end, the contractions weren't that painful so didn't ask for it. I thought it was going to be much worse, and thought I'd been sold lies about how bad childbirth is, all those scenes in films with a woman screaming in a bed . It was such a quiet experience. Good luck !

Skiptonlass all those things you list are very important too. But I had the easiest positioning of baby possible and was in unbearable agony from the first contraction....so a complete lack of pain blocking / hypersensitivity of pain is even more of an issue than foetal position. Especially if you factor in that a lack of internal pain blocking mechanisms also implies a failure of drugs to block pain too.

The point I was attempting to make is that, of the things you can know ahead of time (ie. probably not the baby's position), your personal pain tolerance should be a strong guiding force in your decisions.

Hi, if it's any help I've had two babies, my first dd was 7lb 10 Oz and it was painful, mu second ds wax 9lb 13oz and, believe it or not a lot easier, both were natural birth's, trust your body it knows what it's doing and don't panic which is what this sounds like. Don't worry we all go through it, hang in there honey it is so worth it. Xxxx

I do think we could educate women so much better in other things that might help birth. I understand that women who give birth in their twenties tend to have less intervention than thirties etc. And if you are carrying excess weight it doesn't help. Doesn't help when you are pregnant, but might be helpful when planning timing.

The best piece of advise my midwife ever gave me was "don't make a birth plan, have birth preferences" for us the only thing that went to "plan" was our daughter was born. Everything else went out the window as she was struggling, I ended up having epidural, cut and forceps and the very real prospect of a c-section If forceps didn't do the job. Our daughter was whisked off to intensive care for four days after swallowing and breathing meconium during labour. My "plan" was gas and air, Thai chi and water birth. I was doing really well for the first 24 hours but when my waters finally broke everything changed. The last 8 hours could have been bad if I had been stuck on a plan, but the way I had thought about it all meant that I was completely open to what I needed to have as and when I needed it during the labour. I was relaxed and let everyone around me do what they needed to do, next time I won't have a plan at all, just go with the flow although I do still like the idea of the birthing pool

My DS was 8.8lb, I gave birth in the water and it was a beautiful experience despite the discomfort. He was my second, though.

Your body pumps up enough chemicals to make you already feel as if "in another zone". Gas and air did little with my DD but I was told by a midwife that full mask is better than the mouthpiece you bite, and indeed it was.

I wanted a hypnobirth with my DD but had bleeding and ended up with cables and on stirrups. I was somehow scared of pushing because I was scared of making a mess at the same time (go figure!). I had diamorphine and to be honest, it helped a lot. I didn't want epidural. With my second, I still wanted a natural birth and so glad I did. I went without a plan and just waiting to see what was available. luckily I could do everything I had planned for the first , from bath to music. I think the most important thing is not to obsessed over a plan and be open to anything, be flexible and you will be able to adapt and relax. Also, generations of millions of women have gone through it and still have second children so it is not that bad for the vast majority. I believe the mind does play an important role and IMO my 2nd delivery was better because I was more relaxed and determined to push this time. I had stitches both times and you can really live with the pain and discomfort, it usually heals in 2 weeks and eventually it all goes back in place. My best friend did the perineal massage and had no cuts or tears at all. I think flexibility and plan Bs and Cs and D's are key, though.

Congratulations and good luck! It can actually be a beautiful moment and you will remember the nice parts. In normal circumstances, the brain tends to delete any memory of labour pain, according to my midwife it's so we are willing to go for a second! I have great memories of my second labour. I even took pics in the pool immediately after the birth!

Sorry, adding to what somebody said above: don't believe a thing that it's said about labour in films!!! I was waiting for the waters to break and I could have been waited for years! With DD, they had to break them. With DS, he was born inside the bag, so waters never broke inside me but he ruptured the bag inside the pool. According to midwife it is a sign of good luck lol. Never got that hysterical aggressive stereotype. With DS I wanted to sleep and complained I had back pain (back to back baby), with DS it was quick (90 min) and I remember shouting whilst pushing him out, just the once and more as a way to gather strength (warrior style) than in pain. Too many negative images of childbirth on the media, that's why we are so scared and psyche ourselves out to feel more pain than we probably would feel without those models. Like when you know somebody is going to tickle you and you start laughing way before s/he touches you, but with discomfort.

Op, the size of your baby is irrelevant. I had 4 and actually had stitches after and episiotomy with the smallest.

It will be what it is and if you need pain relief have it! No one cares. No one will judge you and in shy other situation you wouldn't think twice about having pain relief
It baffles me that women feel pressured to barrel through childbirth without pain relief as if it's somehow different to any other pain. It isn't.

My dil was told by her yoga teacher 'hugs before drugs' I told her 'yes but if you need the hugs and the drugs that's fine' she needed the drugs.

Good luck op and thunk it through. If it was that bad we would all just have 1 child.

My biggest baby (almost 10lb) was the easiest birth for me.

I dreaded the sensation of pushing the baby out, but I found that the contractions ceased for me at that point and I only felt the 'sensation' of the baby moving through me. I definitely don't remember any pain at the pushing out bit.

It's totally different for everyone. It was also very different to how I imagined it to be. If I'm brutally honest, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

I can see how you would feel that, but it's not lies just encouragement to be positive. You'll have heard it before but everyone's birth experience is different. It is helpful to have an open mind, an opinion about pain relief options, without being too fixed. My first, DS, was a long and difficult labour, assisted delivery. My second, DD, was induced but fairly quick and much less painful. Both DS and DD were (and are) fit and well, which was more important than my birth experience, which does fade. All the midwives and doctors we encountered were great. If I were doing it again (which I won't!) if would go into it with an open mind, hoping it goes well but if not that you're open to advice from midwives etc focusing on whatever you need to do to deliver a healthy baby. If it doesn't 'go to plan' you won't have failed, that can happen and would not be your fault. All the best.

I know that you're all trying to be lovely and supportive by saying things like:

"trust your body, hun, it's designed to give birth, go in with a PMA" and so on. And your intentions are good.

However, it's exactly that kind of banal, unhelpful, bland statement which makes it difficult for those of us for whom it doesn't go to plan to reconcile with the experience in the weeks afterwards.

It's almost as if, by saying something else, you're going against the sisterhood or something.

Of ALL the women my age who have had children that I personally know, ONE of them got the water birth, drug free, tear free birth she wanted. The rest of us? It was a case of doing what was necessary for everyone to get out of there healthy.

My NCT leader suggested birth could be pain free. Luckily I didn't believe her but she strongly suggested it needn't hurt...even the crowning bit.

Jedimum, it may have been your experience to have little pain, but I seriously couldn't have thought about going to sleep during my labour. I didn't imagine the pain, it was absolute fucking agony. Nor did I anticipate it being like that, actually I thought as I usually have a pretty high pain threshold, I'd deal with it. But even my midwife said that I was having very strong contractions. Hopefully the OP has an experience like yours; there seem to be a fair few that do. But it really isn't helpful to believe that some people, who have a different experience, have somehow brought it on themselves by thinking negatively. It's those kind of views that make women feel a failure for having really needed pain relief or Interventions. The most helpful responses have said about having an open mind and doing what is best for her.

I was like you - I was fed the hypnobirthing nonsense and I genuinely believed the childbirth wouldn't be that bad, it's mainly in the head etc.

But my goodness, it was really really really painful.

I think hypnobirthing works for those who are having their second child, and the second child is generally easier to give birth to because the vagina is already stretched and you are already expecting the worst. Therefore when the second experience is easier,credit it given to hypnobirthing when in reality it would've been easier anyways. That's my theory.

Please don't terrify the poor OP with agony statements! Or "wound across your abdomen" talk! A c section leaves a scar - in my case verrrry small, you wouldn't know it was there, it's like a very faint stretch mark just inside my hairline (I shave a bit that's how I know!). And for every agony natural birth story there are those that pop out like a pea from a pod; some women say they enjoyed it! Read as much as you can OP, look on Amazon for books about whatever approach you feel interested in or wary about. That way you can go in with knowledge and balanced expectations. I'm a PMA girl but I know people who get their hackles up on hearing that kind of talk so each to their own.

My first baby measured 9lbs at 37 weeks, but she ended up 'only' 8lbs 12oz at 40+10. Even though she was so overdue, when she was ready she popped out after a two hour active labour with only gas and air and a v small internal tear (quote from midwife in a triumphant voice, "and the perineum is intact!"). Don't get me wrong, it was bloody painful, but mercifully quick and straightforward. SO, don't scare yourself, straightforward labours can happen, but like PP's have said, have an open mind and don't put pressure on yourself to feel one way or another. You just never know. Good luck and remember - whatever happens, the labour is over with and done in a short space of time relative to how long you will have your lovely baby!

I'm intrigued by the mention of 'vaginal stretching' exercises - I don't remember that from my ante-natal classes, and I'm not sure if I want to google it. Is it not naturally stretchy?

That's perineal massage I think - they talked about it at our NCT. I tried it once but couldn't really reach and didn't bother again.

There's also a weird balloon thing you can buy that I saw spoken about on here once - not going to google it at work. :)