To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

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Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

Last but I think it's also important to point out that you might tear birthing in water (it can actually raise the risk because you can push too hard if too 'comforted' by it) but this isn't 100% the end of the world and worthy of fear.
There is this huge obsession with avoiding tears. Tears are normal. They are not a failure and cannot always be avoided.
And for all but 1% of women (including me who tore right up to the bumhole) recovery is full.
Pelvic floor damage on the other hand ... now you CAN work to avoid that, and people don't because their internal risk assessment is geared uo to fear tearing and cuts. Looking back, I and nearly every 1st time mum I knew thought too much about dodging tears/cuts (as if they were a technique fault and letting yourself be cut was letting the team down) and not enough about the old wee wee muscles.

...to clarify I had a borderline 3rd degree but recovered fully. Some women do have long time problems but most don't.
1/3 have PF problems. PF isn't tearing. LOOK AFTER YOUR PF!

Sorry haven't read through but thought I'd weigh in :)
Firstly, in my experience, accessing baby's weight from a scan is very unpredictable. In my home country, scans around the due date or in early stages of labour are routine and I've heard many, many stories where the baby's weight assessment was spectacularly wrong. So I wouldn't count on this baby being a giant just yet. It may be, or it may not be.

Secondly, if you've been researching natural birth for a while, you'll probably be aware of optimal foetal positioning. If things go right, even a large baby's head can flex enough for a straightforward natural birth. Conversely, if a tiny baby had its chin up or its hand to its face for example, the birth would be a long haul possibly requiring intervention.

The truth is, until you're there you won't know how things go. So stay positive, try not to panic (easier said than done, I know! ) and go into it with an open mind. The thing is, having your mind set on a natural birth often helps. So try and do it the way you want, but be ready to ask for pain relief if you think you can't cope.
I've had two babies naturally (ok neither was too big), in a midwife-led unit, with gas-and-air. I know mums who had smaller babies by C-section and those who had larger babies naturally. Size really isn't everything.
Hope it goes well for you, however it goes

29redshoes there is plenty of evidence for the statement I made regarding risk of interventional births with back to back babies. Likely doesn't mean always, and your experience doesn't mean that I'm wrong.

A quick Google would confirm that for you. It's not rocket science. Even a simple website like baby centre quotes this evidence. www.babycenter.com/0_posterior-position_1454005.bc?page=2

Honestly, it really would be good if people could have a meaningful discussion about this without thinking their own personal experience is equivalent to facts and evidence.

There is a huge issue going on in Obstetrics at the moment regarding the lack of informed consent in natural birth.

I know it's scary & I was exactly like you but in the end after trying water birth & Gas & air for 2 hours after 2 days of contractions I opted for an epidural which was the best decision for me. I was in some state in the labour ward feeling I was a failure for not have the med free birth I'd visualised. If I can give you one piece of advice don't set yourself too ridgid expectations. Go in informed, sounds like you've done that, have a loose idea of what you'd like in orherwords anything you really don't want, then take advice from the specialist without being beating yourself up. Once your baby arrives safely, and that's what it's all about, s/he will be all that matters.

Honestly please don't stress. My little girl was breech at 37 weeks and I had to get her turned. They measured her at well over 8lb possibly 9 so I was so nrvous she would be huge. She was 6lb8 when she was born. I've heard it's so common for them to over exaggerate the weight. As for the childbirth. I did hypnobirthing ,to a degree. It defo helped to keep me calm and I got to 5cm before going into hospital and had a 4 hour active labour. I also started on gas and air and then gave up as I wanted to concentrate. It is intense but so powerful because your body knows what to do. I went with the way that every labour is different and if I needed more pain relief then I'd have it. Please don't stress because even though it is intense, you will feel so proud of what your body can do. And even though you may get tears or ripped it heals and you will be focusing on your gorgeous baby.

I go into myself in labour. I hardly register what else is happening and I'm silent. That was with the first 3.

With number 4 I started to groan. Then I started to yell - which ended up with screaming as I pushed. I really surprised myself! I actually think now that I needed the breathing that screaming was giving me.

Labour is painful. No getting away from that. But for me it wasn't a frightening pain. I could accept it as part of the process and tried to go with it.

My advice: keep as fit as you can while pg.
Stay upright, keep moving for as long as you can in labour.
Try to just lose yourself in your body and go with it.
Picture your cervix opening and your baby coming down smoothly.
Use hot flannels on your perineum to keep those muscles relaxed (or water birth is better).
Remember in labour: This WILL END.
Personally I know I do best at home where I can relax.
You are in charge - its your body.

The sizes are not terribly accurate. I was told I was expecting a 10+lb but he was only 7lb15, apparently it was because his knees were tucked up??? That his size had been miscalculated

I did hypnobirthing and Nct and it was very optimistic and gave some me useful insights, however, both approaches seemed to deny problematic births as an anomaly, when the outcome of the overwhelming majority of the class members births were rather problematic, needing intervention.

My experience has told me that if you have any feeling that you'd like intervention ask for it at the earliest possible point.

Never ever feel like you are making a fuss when you ask for help/monitoring. Be demanding in a polite way.

Don't ever feel like a "failure", there is a lot of pressure to do things naturally and from my experience (one awful completely natural birth because no one would listen (followed by ptsd) & one wonderful elective c-section) represent yourself forcefully and well, that is the most empowering thing you can do.

Have you considered a water birth? Although my 8lb2 dd isn't as large as your suspected 9lb baby, I only had a slight tear, as is completely common in labour. We had a water birth, and the relaxation of the water combined with gas and air ensured I was as calm as could possibly be, even during the pain. If you want to give birth naturally then I cannot recommend a water birth enough.

However, fear of labour can make the experience so much worse. It is really positive that you've been told you may birth a larger baby, so you can prepare yourself by researching what that means, and are more aware of the likelihood of an assisted birth.

While it's true that too many intended natural births end in C-sections, mine was perfectly fine and I know many others who's also were. Labour is unpredictable, and no matter what happens, all that matters is that your baby is born and is healthy. Best of luck with whatever you choose xx

Worrying will not make it any easier OP. I had 2 natural births and experienced tearing in both a but you know what? The moment you tear you are so absolutely focused on getting the baby out you don't even feel it! I just remember hearing a popping noise! Sounds like you've done all the right stuff (and I'd done no perineal massage or anything) but you just have to get yourself in the zone. If you go into it thinking "this will hurt" then it will. If you can relax (and ultimately that's all the hypnosis thing is getting you to do) then your body will produce enough magical endorphins (your body's version of morphine) to get you through. Birthing was one of the most awesome experiences in my life, not the case for everyone but it can be for you too. Trust your body, don't over-think it and you'll be fine. Good luck and congratulations on advance on your little bundle of joy

Sticking to the OP's original question, yes I do think women are sold lies about this.
There is a huge NCT/midwife bias towards marketing so-called "natural childbirth" as ideal, positive, laudable, brave and To Be Aspired To.
Fears and doubts are all too often brushed aside. Attitudes to "medicalised" births, on the other hand, are dismissive or censorious.

In reality, nobody gets a medal for "natural childbirth". . Once you've had the baby, noone, frankly, cares.

On the other hand, you may have very very severe regrets if you are encouraged to have a "natural" home birth or the like (as a friend of mine did) and then it all goes pear shaped and something happens to you and/or the baby. That nice NCT teacher won't be around then to pick up the pieces... The risk may or may not be small, but the consequences are too awful to contemplate. I don't think the natural childbirth lobby is honest enough about this. We would not take these kind of risks with anything else so important - why should childbirth be any different?

I might have been the "dramatic screaming " woman referred to earlier. I wasn't afraid or very worried about my second delivery as the first had been quick and straightforward. The second was so much more painful and I just was not prepared for it. The pain was beyond what I was able to endure, was relentless. I have never been so terrified and out of control in my life, , my body took over and against the midwifes advice I pushed my son out in one push. He almost slid off the end of the bed and I had a third degree tear. Good to know the cow in the next bed was judging me though.

People say you don't remember the pain afterwards, for me that is not true - all births are different.

I'm with you artus: nice to see women being judgey cunts to each other on a thread like this.

Both of my DSs were born at home (first was unplanned - no one believed I was in labour) - no pain relief & no tears - the most painful bit was the next 18 years! You'll be fine

I was another screamer...completely surprised my self. BUT I quite enjoyed giving birth in a weird primal way. It was completely unconscious the screaming but I found I could push much better with a scream than with an out breath.

I'm another one that had a third degree tear that healed quickly.

Having an inflexible birthing plan is a mistake as giving birth is so personal and totally dependent on how things progress. Yes you have a preferred method but the aim is always a healthy baby and mum. Accept there's no musts or shoulds and go with the flow a bit more. However you have baby it will feel wonderful to be a mum of a healthy baby and that's all we can all ask for at the end of the day. Female bodies are built for childbirth so worry less and enjoy more. Good luck! 🍀👶

Believe in your body and in nature. Don't listen to the horror stories. Keep positive.

The best advice I had was to try not to plan or think about it. If it really was that bad no one would have more than one child.

My labour and birth with my first born was less painful than with my second even though the second labour was shorter and she only weighed 6lb. I had a natural birth with both of them, they were both two weeks early. The only pain relief I had was tens machine and gas and air. I was too late in for any other pain relief.

You will be fine. Good luck 💐

Here's a link I was looking for, from a recent New Scientist.

Hospitals and midwives may FINALLY be forced to explain the risks of VB to women, just as they do with CS, so women can at last make an informed choice.

www.newscientist.com/article/mg23130813-000-uk-doctors-may-starting-warning-women-of-childbirth-risks/#.V4QC3ZONA2A.mailto

I managed on just Gas and Air, but my lo was only 6lbs 4oz. The mind is a very powerful thing, but they say the equivalent to child birth is having every bone in your body broken at the same time, I didn't think it was that bad but really don't think I would have managed without at least the gas and air.

All this bloody hype about natural births and no pain relief. There's no trophy at the end for those who didn't have any help. Birth is unpredictable. Mine more than most. And now because I had a fail to progress labour, EMCS, epidural and spinal block, all I do is lie awake at night thinking about how I'm a failure for not doing it naturally.

Oh no wait. I'm actually completely over it because I'm looking after my alive and healthy baby girl.

Apologies for the cynicism, I really think MWs need to do more to quash these ridiculous dreams about natural "this and that" being the best way.

Breast is not best. Fed is best.
Natural is not best. Safe is best.

good luck!

Every birth is different. I did hypnobirthing and had a swift, straightforward water birth with no drugs at all. I think the hypno really helped me approach it positively and to look forward to labour rather than fearing it. To be honest, I do think hypno downplays the pain of it but I still look back on labour as a positive experience and feel like a bloody superhero for going through it.

There is little point in second guessing because once it starts you just have to go with the flow anyway. Drugs or not, tears or not, mooing like a cow or breathing your baby serenely out... It doesn't really matter as long as you're both ok at the end.

I had 3 all vb I had gas and air and pethidine for 1 and 3. Baby,2 was a naturally pain free labour. I was in hospital with more eclampsia and labour ward was quiet so I was sent down for induction but I was already 7cm dilated. I assume it was like a natural epidural.