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Original poster

To feel I've been sold lies on natural birth when reality is v different

441 replies

user1466488499 · 10/07/2016 10:08

Hi All, 37 weeks pregnant and very excited about the birth until last week. Final scan revealed baby is already big...could be 9lb at 40 weeks and he's in 75th percentile so definitely at larger end. I'm 5'4", size 10 usually so not particularly large.

Done hypnobirthing, NCT classes and been insistent on natural birth with no pain relief - I've been very gung ho and complacent and now reality is kicking in - I'm expecting a large baby so tears and cuts may be more likely. Feel like I've been sold lies about the ease of having unassisted natural birth when the practical reality is different - all my friends who wanted natural births ended having emergency c sections and assisted painful deliveries.

Have I been sold some nonsense to believe that I can be superwoman and have an easy pain free natural delivery because my mind will overcome any fear? What's the reality of this? Feeling like I've been arrogant to think I could be different from most women out there and have this big baby easily. I've been dutifully doing all the perineal massage / vaginal stretching wondering what the point is when I'll be trying to push a huge baby through a tiny gap.

Fed up!

OP posts:
bellie710 · 12/07/2016 09:23

I have had 3 natural births, lightest baby 9lb 4 heaviest 10lb 4 and no tearing or stitches with any of them. 2 water births 1 with epidural as it was nearly a c section but popped out before ventouse people arrived! Everyone is different go in with an open mind and go with the flow and you will have a much better experience

Kalispera · 12/07/2016 09:27

A balloon thing?? Wowza. Confused

splendide · 12/07/2016 09:29

Yeah like a blow up balloon thingy! It's really really expensive as well. I read about it on the pregnancy board when I was expecting - so a couple of years ago. It really stuck with me!

splendide · 12/07/2016 09:32

Epi-no!

That's what it was called.

Kalispera · 12/07/2016 09:45

Should be called the Hell-No!

splendide · 12/07/2016 09:48

heh yes agreed!

The bit that I still remember really clearly from the website is something like - "gets you used to the sensation of the baby's head passing through the vagina". Yes great idea, thanks.

clarkl2 · 12/07/2016 10:16

stop reading all the literature ...... see what happens on the day. birthing plans, in my experience, are pointless. see what happens on the day and good luck. i had a vaginal delivery of an 8lb baby, nothing more than a graze requiring 1 stitch. it was scary because i felt out of control and i was only 20. much better experience at 32 with a planned c-section

BartholinsSister · 12/07/2016 10:23

Kalispera brilliant.

29redshoes · 12/07/2016 11:40

I don't really agree that women aren't told the truth about childbirth. Ok maybe people don't share the grisly details, but I was under no illusions - I knew it would hurt (a lot). Do people really not know this??

Even the OP has said that most of her friends ended up with emergency caesarean or assisted delivery, so I'm not sure why she thought birth would be easy and straightforward Hmm

There have been a few of these threads on MN over the years. I read them all in the lead up to giving birth and scared myself silly about The Great Childbirth Conspiracy.

Wait4nothing · 12/07/2016 11:47

I think the key is to be open minded - if hypnobirthing/water birth works for you great - if your in delivery and want pain relief - that doesn't matter either - no medals for a 'natural' birth. Do whatever is needed to have your baby safely. Good luck.
(I have a 10 week old sleeping in the Moses basket beside me and the labour pain/tear was definitely worth it!)

Toddzoid · 12/07/2016 12:16

I've had three children. Each labour was completely different. The first was the longest and most complicated. It isn't that way for everyone but generally, the first will be the toughest and longest because your body hasn't experienced it before so it's all new territory. Some peoples just fly out though. Everyone labours completely differently.

I do pregnancy very well but labour, not so much. The first one I managed with just gas and air for the first 14 hours but it was a back to back labour so contractions were very erratic and at that stage were coming every minute. I was in so much agony I was rolling around screaming so needed an epidural. Then after 24 hours they realised he was stuck, shoulder dystocia so had an emergency forceps delivery. I didn't expect any of that to happen. He was 10 lbs. I knew he'd be big but was thinking 9lbs region, not 10!

You can't predict what will happen, nobody can. As others have said, the best focus to have is that you and the baby make it out ok and everyone's fine and happy. Rather than a specific plan.

G5000 · 12/07/2016 13:10

I knew it would hurt (a lot). Do people really not know this??

Those hypnobirthing books I read claimed that birth does not hurt if done properly. I didn't believe them. But the message that stuck a bit, that if you're in pain, it's your own fault, was still not too helpful.

joloho35 · 12/07/2016 14:28

I found keeping a very open mind in the moment and very much going with the flow was how I dealt with my home birth. I had gas and air and a birth pool for pain relief. Start eating dates every day now, it shortens second stage labour. I am glad I didn't have to go to hospital

splendide · 12/07/2016 14:39

I have never seen anything saying that birth doesn't hurt if done properly. Mine didn't hurt much but I am not deluded enough to think that's because I was doing something right that others do wrong.

There are techniques for managing the pain that seem to work for some people. Birth Skills is a good book I think, it completely acknowledges that it hurts but then has some things for helping.

I do understand the instinct to blame yourself, I feel like that about breastfeeding although maybe that's an unfair analogy as I was much more to blame for that going wrong than people are for their births going wrong.

ImGoingToTeabagYourDrumKitDale · 12/07/2016 14:46

I delivered a 7lb 10oz baby in a horrid temper on gas and air, as I was refused any other pain medication, due to a violent reaction to pethadine.

I chucked a gas and air mouth piece at my midwife, pooped and screamed a lot.

Birth isn't glamorous, its fucking shit, hours of pain and people bothering you. I'm prepared to do it once more if I can but that's it.

Londonmamabychance · 12/07/2016 15:45

haha, g5000, I don't think I knew how much it would hurt! and good thing I didn't know, too. I wasn't very scared at all, because I went through pregnancy with a lala can't hear you attitude of all the horror stories and just decide to take it as it came. And so, I was a bit shocked at how much it hurt, and I didn't even know there would be a lot of blood! But in the end, it worked for me because I wasn't too scared and just dealt with it (screaming and swearing and whimpering). I think just do what's right for you, if you want to do hypnobirthing courses and read books and talk to people, if that makes you feel a bit better, do it! if you want an epidural, or elective C-section, do it! if you want home birth, water birth or acupuncture, do that. What ever works for you. We're all different, and you should just do what feels good for you.

pontynan · 12/07/2016 17:41

Agree with everything that's been said! I'm only adding my experience because I had 5, of which three were 'big' (one just on 10lb) and I was really tiny (size 8). They were all pretty easy but ironically the big ones happened to be the easiest - no tears and more than manageable pain. I was just bloody lucky and you might be too. I didn't have pain relief with any of them but, trust me, if it had hurt a lot I'd have been first in the queue for anything they could give me! Birth plans are fine if they help you think about the birth in a positive way but ultimately, go with the flow, respond to what is happening to you there and then not something written on a piece of paper. EVERYONE is nervous at 37 weeks, however many babies they have had. So try and chill, sneaky glass of wine, good luck and just think that a month or so from now it will all be over and you'll be cuddled up with your baby and whatever your experience, it will all kind of fade into the past.

Einna88 · 12/07/2016 17:41

Well, I had 2 9lb babies naturally and pain releif free (though the second didn't give me much choice - she was out after 38 minutes). Maybe I just have a slip n slide vagoo idk, but I found that the right mindset did more than I think the drugs could have.

I do think it's different for everyone though. The idea of going through pain is preferable to the thought of a bad experience with the painkillers, and dealing with pain is a LOT easier when the drugs scare you.

For me the one thing I needed was this mantra - "this pain cannot be greater than me, for it is from me. Each wave brings my child closer to my arms, and I welcome it."

This worked for me, but you and I are different people yk?

As for being fed lies...idk what you've been told so I can't comment.

Junosmum · 12/07/2016 19:26

Justaskingnottelling I'm with you on the pain, but by the end of my pushing I was so exhausted I was falling asleep in the 90seconds between contractions, the nurse kept slapping me (gently)round the face to keep me awake and focused. Then they brought the forceps!

Heatherjayne1972 · 12/07/2016 19:55

You're pushing an object the size of a melon out of a hole the size of a grape!
Say yes to whatever pain relief they offer - this doesn't make you a 'failure'
As long as you both ok afterwards that's what matters

Oysterbabe · 12/07/2016 20:42

My fanjo is definitely wider than a grape.

splendide · 12/07/2016 21:04

Mine is stretchier than a grape certainly.

HTKB · 12/07/2016 21:14

1st birth was wonderful. I can say I felt no "pain" at all, it was just pressure and intensity. I loved it actually and would happily have done it again the next day. I used water and gas and air though, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed.

2nd birth was quicker but yes, I did feel pain that time. Nothing I couldn't handle and again I really enjoyed the process.

I'm a midwife.... I know not every birth is like mine. But most women can handle the feelings, most women are overjoyed and not traumatised and most women come back for a second go, and very few women who didn't have an epidural the first time actively want one the second.

Good luck x

Justaskingnottelling · 12/07/2016 23:43

Just for the record, I'm certainly not trying to terrify anyone. Just be realistic that everyone's experience is not the same as other people, and it's better to get a range of views. If I'd had someone really saying to me that it's ok to get pain relief, instead of the NCT naysayers, I'd have felt better about it. . Yes I agree it's the exhaustion from the pain that makes it hard. Flowers to anyone who's pregnant at the moment. Couldn't agree more that it's worth it in the end, and the pain goes away like magic as soon as the baby is born. -though I did nearly kick the midwife when she tried to stitch me up two minutes later-

sycamore54321 · 12/07/2016 23:50

Just to respond to this: " Do people really not know this??".

I think almost everyone starts out believing it will hurt like hell. Then you get pregnant and fall into the websites and the soft-focus antenatal classes and the books and CDs and yoga groups and you are told that what causes the pain is your own fear. If you could just be positive and let go of the fear, dot dot dot. So you seize on this wonderful news, you are persuaded by these sources that you only anticipate pain because movies and society told you so. It is a revelation, and exactly what you most wanted to hear.

So you drink the teas and listen to the tapes and read the books and scrub the floors and do all the 'right' things while cultivating a positive attitude. You are no longer afraid, you have a birth plan and a positive mental attitude. Your new Mama group friends reinforce this continually.

Then labour starts and for you it hurts like hell. None of the rituals make the pain stop. You find out that indeed you were sold a pup. And when you talk about that online, you get told you must have been too tense or you didnt believe enough or well, in any case, nobody ever said it wouldn't hurt anyway, so one way or another it's all your own fault. It's not always said as explicitly as this but this is a pervasive message in many fora and that is what you hear.

So you beat yourself up about where you went wrong and worry you are not a good enough mother by not having a "magical" birth. A woman as empowered and strong as Kate Winslet lied about having a c-section for years for precisely this reason. So it really isn't surprising that many many other women are tempted by the attractive proposition of gently breathing their baby out in an easy way.

It makes me sad and it makes me angry. on this board, we are so good at seeing gaslighting by spouses and partners, why can't we see it here too?