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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

259 replies

peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:02

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
Hiddenaspie1973 · 11/07/2016 17:51

What do you expect her to say to this?
When you are pregnant, she may be more forthcoming.
Who knows.

Unicorn1981 · 11/07/2016 17:54

You may have been insensitive here but it's difficult to see when you are wrapped up in the bubble. Myself and my friend both had this conversation. I had already been trying for a bit (2nd baby we met when on may leave with our firsts) and she is already pregnant. I'm over the moon for her but it is hard when you are wondering if you will be the last. Perhaps it's just brought her difficulties to a head a bit. Or perhaps she's thinking how excited she was when she started trying and now she's struggling. When I was pregnant I asked my sil if she wanted to feel my tummy (she is about to start ivf and knew there's was next to zero chance she'd get pregnant naturally) she said no thanks I'll wait until baby is born for cuddles. Looking back that was really insensitive but I was in the bubble.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/07/2016 17:58

I think she is very sensitive at the moment, everyone reacts to infertility in a different way, mabey its not going well for her, or there are complications. Mabey she is feeling low about it all. Just forget about it, don't mention it again.

Cagliostro · 11/07/2016 18:11

I don't blame her for not acknowledging

TWINS77 · 11/07/2016 18:22

Really ladies??? You would feel weird if a very good friend of yours said they're going to try for a baby? It is a big decision, the one that will change your life so what's weird about wanting to share it with a close friend, it's not like she said it to a cashier at Tesco's! It might have been a bit insensitive, but then again a great deal better than announcing she is pregnant few months down the line! We tried for 5 years before getting pregnant on IVF, so l understand pain behind it, but when my friends got pregnant and had babies l was happy for them, even though l felt sad for us not being able to...

prepschoolinsanity · 11/07/2016 18:23

slightly off topic - but why are you on mumsnet already? Do people come on mumsnet when they basically have hopeful sex? I didn't know that was a thing ;p

NerrSnerr · 11/07/2016 18:27

Prep have you actually read any of the threads here? There's boards full of people TTC and lots of people don't have kids and still post!! It's not exclusively for parents, it's for anyone.

Iloveowls2 · 11/07/2016 18:39

I really don't blame her and as her friend you should have been more sensitive. To be having if she's probably gone through months or years of heartbreak and grief. She's probably lost hope of having a baby/knows the level of intervention she is likely to need. Your comment of it would be great to have babies at the same time probably was read by her as another friend will have a baby before me.

meowli · 11/07/2016 18:42

Prep are you Andrea Leadsom? Grin

pollymere · 11/07/2016 18:50

I had my DD in my twenties. Now in my late thirties and zilch. It's really hard hearing people go on about having babies and if she's needing IVF then this is doubly insensitive. Of course, she may fall pregnant whilst you remain as I am i.e. late thirties with no known reason for not falling pregnant.

JanetStWalker · 11/07/2016 19:01

I would've ignored you too to be honest, talk about insensitive!

Elismum669 · 11/07/2016 19:01

Prep are you Andrea Leadsom?Grin
Lol*^^

MrsDeVere · 11/07/2016 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NowWhat1983 · 11/07/2016 19:08

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby.

I wouldnt know what to say to that. Even a close friend. Ok...so you're going to be shagging lots, taking temperatures, etc etc

NowWhat1983 · 11/07/2016 19:09

I mean when a friend tells me they are pregnant: great, lots of questions. When are you due, etc etc

We are trying: ummm am I supposed to ask how it is going? How often the trying takes place.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/07/2016 19:15

Prep Hmm

Everyone is welcome here as long as they aren't trolls.

You don't have to be a parent.

GoldieGirl · 11/07/2016 19:20

I had IVF and years of uncertainty amidst all family, friends and co-workers popping our babies around me, and it is very, very difficult. I won't repeat what others have said but I wouldn't have known what to say to someone announcing via text they were 'trying' without feeling awkward and 'here we go again, someone else getting pregnant just like that'. It is announcing that you are having lots of unprotected sex, and to someone who can't conceive no matter how much sex they have!

It's impossible for someone without any fertility issues to really grasp how painful infertility is on so many levels. You obviously didn't mean to hurt her, that's the sad thing about infertility, it divides those who can and those who cant so often. It might be something you would say one to one over a cup of tea if you wanted to warn her, but not on a text IMO.

We didn't go on to have any biological children of our own, nor have babies alongside other family and friends as we would have liked, there isn't always a happy ending at the time we would like. Your friend might be like me and have a long and painful road ahead of her before choosing a different path, in our case, adoption. Or maybe she will be fortunate and be successful with IVF and maybe you will have babies together.

bunnyfuller · 11/07/2016 19:28

I watched every friend, female relative in my generation, work mate, neighbour and enemy get pregnant. Over a 5 year span. It was never my turn. I got to the stage where when I heard the words 'guess what?!' I'd know. It is heartbreaking, isolating and makes you feel utterly inadequate and a failure. With a constant longing for what happens seemingly effortlessly for everyone else. I lost my best friend along the way of my journey with infertility because she said exactly those words 'maybe we can be pregnant together!' As yet another period rocked up in its glory. Then I was expected to be overjoyed at her scan. I can totally understand her not commenting, she's now waiting for your news to come and smack her in the guts.
IVF is so not a guarantee of a successful pregnancy, there are so many hoops to jump through for each IVF cycle, and if one bit goes wrong that's it, back to the beginning. Her entire being is consumed with the helplessness of her situation and the longing for a baby, be a good friend, do some reading on infertility and support her on her journey.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/07/2016 20:02

Op how is it news that your trying fir a baby, it not like your pregnant! When people tell me their trying for a baby, I say, oh that's nice, what else are you supposed to say. Be sensitive around her, don't mention babies, if you do fall pregnant, tell her first before publically announcing it on social media. For her it's extremly painful, and if you fall pregnant, she might think "here we go again". Be a good friend, sensitive, kind and be tgere for her.

Clarissa69 · 11/07/2016 20:04

I had IVF - I was 36 at the time. I had lots of friends talking about ttc etc...although the ones that knew we were going through the utterly harrowing experience that is IVF didn't talk to me about it. Thankfully, I was one of the lucky ones that it worked for, but with a 25 to 30 percent of it working the odds are stacked against those that have IVF. She will have that real fear at the back of her mind. I think that there is a need for people to be more informed about what IVF entails and the phychological effects it has. It works though and there are many, many, many success stories of course. That being said, you now know that perhaps you just didn't think - why would you? You've not been through fertility treatment and the fear that you won't ever be a mum. We've all done it - I've put my foot in it loads of times. I'm sure if you speak to her she'll be really happy to hear from you.

EyeRollChampion · 11/07/2016 20:07

Obviously no one on mn has ever put their foot in their mouth and knows how everyone else is feeling 100% of the time! Remarkable!

Don't beat yourself up. I don't get the hangups about telling a close friend you're going to start a family in 2016. If you'd said you were going to be having lots of unprotected sex with Rolf Harris? Taboo. Otherwise...

It probably hurt, just like when any of us can't have the one thing we want the most. Especially when it seems everyone else has it. And you should try to be sensitive to that. But she has to accept, as your best friend, that your feelings are equally important. I had trouble conceiving for years. If my best friend, who I'm very close to, suddenly declared she was pregnant and it transpired she'd been trying for ages but hadn't told me, I'd feel a bit put out. Of course, every friendship is different but you know what yours involves.

You are a lovely, empathic, caring friend who is trying hard to understand what someone in pain is going through and how you can help. Talk to her, give her a hug and put it behind you.

Oh, and good luck! Xxx

robinia · 11/07/2016 20:07

@NowWhat1983 : "We are trying: ummm am I supposed to ask how it is going? How often the trying takes place."

That's exactly the kind of thing I would chat about with my closest friend. We'd have a good laugh about it :)

NorthernAurora · 11/07/2016 20:07

I think most posters have put it better than me but Im thinking what the word 'trying' means?

  1. Lots of fun, unprotected sex/love making with mutual enjoyment.
  2. Tests, injections, sickness, desperation, disappointment, and a very clinical experience of attempting conception with numerous people knowing your medical history and what your body looks like.
I have 3 children but I miscarried 5 times whilst 'trying'. So the word trying can bring on many emotions. Send a nice card to your friend with some tactful but loving thoughts x and see uf you could go and meet her for some quality best friend time ( shes probably missed your shoulder to lean on) x
Clarissa69 · 11/07/2016 20:07

Can I just add that if you do get pregnant (and I am sure you will of course), don't do what my cousin did to me and phone me last after she'd told everyone in my family. It hurt me to the core. Tell her first and be kind. Hopefully IVF will work for her and you'll have that joint celebration some day.

EyeRollChampion · 11/07/2016 20:08

P.s. sorry for generalising. Not everyone on here is a Snotty McJudgypants ;)

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