To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

[peskyfeelings]

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

The funny thing is that I'll bet that the friend didn't deliberately not acknowledge the OPs news and was not sitting there being 'offended' and 'devestated' by the news. The OP and her friend sound like they have a close and honest relationship and it doesn't sound like either of them are the type to over complicate things. The friend probably just noted the information and carried own with her conversation about her weight loss or whatever it was. My guess is that she would be suprised that the OP is worrying about it.
If I were the OP I would call the friend and ask and, on the off chance, that the friend was upset, apologise. I don't see this as a big deal at all.

You admitted that you weren't sensitive with your comment and in the past your friend wasn't sensitive. You're both human!

Some of the posters here probably haven't read the full thread so you're facing some very hard judgment.

Good luck to you both

I do love aibu when the OP is actually asking.

Good luck OP. Really hope ttc is fun and quick

Must admit I'd ring her rather than text her to apologise . Far easier to gauge reactions on the phone than a text message.

And to those incapable of reading a thread ...give it a rest !

Agree with DeadGood Ignore the poster who said you would struggle, I don't know anyone under 40 who has had fertility treatment. You mighy struggle but there's a huge chance you won't. Good luck!

Yes you were a little insensitive with the babies at the same time comment, but that's just naivety and excitement.. You want both of you to have this happy experience together. Now that you know IVF can be a horrendous time I would send a nice text saying you're sorry for being insensitive. It would probably make her feel a bit better because at the moment she'll be feeling like her problems have been ignored or underestimated, or like you don't care... But you clearly do.

Also trying for a baby isn't saying "We're having sex!" It's pretty normal news just stating babies are on the cards in the near future.

Pretty well everyone I know who has had fertility treatment have been mid to late 30s at the time.

yup - most of the people i know who had IVF were under 40

I was early 30s when I started IVF. It's not just for older women

I don't know anyone under 40 who has had fertility treatment.

I bet you do-they probably just haven't told you. It isn't something most people announce.

Most people will start trying in their 20's/30's. That's often when problems become apparent. IVF definitely isn't just older people.

ive rtft :)

as others said you were a tad insensitive, but you know that now, i hope you both get your babies

its hard when friends get preg just like that (tho obv im happy for them) its another knife dug into me, or those who have nhs ivf and success first time (again im happy)

ivf isnt just the cost if private, tho its a big thing as huge amount of money and nothing at the end of it

but the actual treatment / cycles of scans/drugs that make you gain weight, have hormone rages/hot flushes etc plus the invasive poking and prodding, the anxious 2 ww then to find its failed again and back to square one, tho thousands of pounds poorer

what i will agree with is garden ive ttc since i was 33, 43 next week - had 4 failed private ivf, spent £25k and still no baby :( infertility sucks

Yes you've been hideously insensitive. To get to the ivf stage she will have been trying for years. Years of hope, then being gutted when her period comes, seeing people announce pregnancies and have babies and even announce second pregnancies as she still can't get pregnant. She's probably tried change of diet, change of exercise, acupuncture etc. Then going to the doctor, blood test (needles), lap and dye, internal scans, maybe a few failed round of Clomid. Other friends all popping out babies seemingly effortlessly. She'll know that there's only around a 25% chance her painful invasive IVF will work. So a casual "wouldn't it be great if we had babies together" would have been (unwittingly) a total gut punch

Who said it was? I was basing it on personal experience of people I know. I was just saying that it's not set in stone that OP would struggle but can see from here it's common to need help even in your thirties.

Is it that strange to tell your friends you're ttc? I have a close friendship group who have suffered many rounds of ivf between us and know that talking about it from the beginning and everyone knowing how long it's really been going on and how hard everyone's finding it has actually been hugely supportive. There's been many tears along the way and not everyone will end up with children sadly and I realise not everyone has friends like that but announcing you're ttc to close friends surely isn't that odd? But I would never tell my mother

OP, as her closest friend, you really do need to be more aware of what she's going through. The fertility issues may be her DHs. But she is the one who take the entire physical rap for it. They give you drugs that plunge you within a month into premature menopause. Your skin loses elasticity, your hair thins, you feel moody. Then they pump you with hormones which make you cry every time you see a picture of a kitten and giggle at crap adverts. Your personality evaporates. You have to inject yourself several times a day, shove pessaries in, not drink, endure agonising egg collections which leave you bent double with pain for days. And then more often than not, no baby at the end of it and you have to do the same again. And your partner who has fertility issues has almost no interaction with the process, which can lead in lots of couples to deep resentments and misunderstandings, or split ups. All that for the same chance of a baby as a few night's shagging would offer. I know which I'd prefer.

I realise not everyone has friends like that but announcing you're ttc to close friends surely isn't that odd?

I think it's the "announcement" and the wanting congratulations in the op's post that's strange to people. I mentioned to one very close friend that we were trying and I've been really glad when people have casually dropped in that they're thinking of children in the near future so the baby bomb isn't so unexpected.

I had IVF . I also had loads of people saying similar things like you did to your friend. The difference is I always acknowledged them and smiled but I also let them know things weren't easy. I'm currently on maternity leave YAY! I called into work and my manager made a crass comment about hoping I wouldn't come back to work pregnant like another girl to which I eyeballed her and said unless she was going to give me 6 and a half grand that it was highly unlikely ! It's amazing the things people will say without realising in ANY situation . All you can do is meet up ask her how it's going and somewhere in the conversation tell her you didn't mean to be so thoughtless and that you genuinely are interested in her side of the story. P.s you aren't thoughtless just excited and I really hope it goes well for you , there's nothing like the feeling when it's your baby smiling at you.

I see what you mean purple but could that have just been poor phrasing? I assumed she just meant she mentioned it, was ignored and the conversation continued? I think I just feel a bit sorry for the op, given how well she's taken the slating advice she's received, I suspect she probably now feels terrible and will do her best to consider her friends feelings.

Oh I totally agree it was bad phrasing jollypostman. I didn't mean to further criticise the op-she seems really lovely and had taken everything on the chin. I only meant that most people people wouldn't make the announcement that they were ttc as "the biggest news ever" as the op's first post says. I'm sure lots do mention it in passing to friends without necessarily expecting much comment.

*Mrsdoyle & that's my stapler
*
Eh? I think you'll find lots of women under 40 have Ivf.

I was 28.

🙄 biggest news ever 😂

NoMud I didn't say otherwise

Ignore the poster who said you would struggle, I don't know anyone under 40 who has had fertility treatment.

MrsDoyle can't you see how what you've written sounds like you were saying fertility treatment is something just for older women? That's why people have been clarifying that it isn't.

No, I meant in my personal experience of people I know, not everyones experience. I was just reassuring the OP that it wasn't definite that she would have issues conceiving because I don't know anyone under 40 who has had to have treatment (close friends, family etc) but of course they exist and it's common. So many people who like to pick apart words and insinuate something that isn't there... Crikey I was only trying to be nice to the OP.

I was 34 and 39 when I conceived mine so there is no reason to suppose you won't OP.Carrying was a bit more challenging .But had nothing to do with my age

During the time I had my three children two of my best friends had major fertility issues, and it was hard for them to see me popping them out. I tried to take a step back and see them alone which wasn't always possible but....
Maybe when you said to her "we are trying for baby!!" it sounded insensitive or maybe she just feels you are incredibly naive and didn't know how to make that congratulation you were expecting.
After my 1st child was conceived I 'lost' a friend for a while because (unbeknown to me) she was grieving lots of miscarriages and couldn't bear beine around pg women or babies but was also ashamed of that. We have talked about it since.
You need to be a bit careful. It's great to be all starry eyed and excited but lots of women are really hurting inside and may not behave how you think they should. Just be kind.

I think a few people on here have been unneccessarily harsh about you being insensitive, but I think it's right that you friend may be so emotional about her lack of success in getting pregnant that she just didn't know how to respond to you. Just keep being her good friend but don't mention babies anymore.

And as to "you just told her you're about to start having unprotected sex" - bullshit, you told her you wanted to start a family. Different ball park altogether.