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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset my friend didn't even acknowledge my news?

259 replies

peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 08:02

Texting my oldest friend last night. We live at opposite ends of the country now, so don't see each other much anymore. However we still consider ourselves best of friends. The type where you can not see each other for 12 months and then it's just like you saw each other yesterday.

She was asking how I was, and I told her that DP and I have just started trying for a baby. Her and her DP have had some fertility issues, but they are waiting for IVF, so hopefully that will work for them. I didn't make a big deal of it. Just mentioned we were trying and wouldn't it be fantastic if we both had babies around the same time. We are both 37, so no spring chickens. In my case I've spent years worrying I would never even get a chance to be a mother, so basically this announcement is my biggest news ever.

Her response? absolutely zilch. She answered all my other questions in her three subsequent texts, but never even acknowledged what I said!

Now I'm really upset about it, but don't know if I should mention it? I haven't told anyone else we are trying, but I wanted to tell her as my oldest friend. I have no other friends with babies or ttc, and was really hoping we could support each other through it. I'm also worried that I've been hideously insensitive because of her fertility issues? I know she's feeling really positive about the IVF though, so I really didn't think it would upset her.

Should I have just kept my mouth shut?

OP posts:
Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 11:29

I am definitely doing that tomorrow Brightnorthernlights! :) I might even throw a street party for all the neighbours!

Or perhaps not. Given that the neighbours are the only people who haven't asked me about babies recently.

Thank you to all the people who have been supportive and wished me well. It is much appreciated.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 10/07/2016 11:35

I understand why you mentioned it OP- it was not "we're starting to have unprotected sexual" it was "DP and I are in a place now where we have decided that we want to have children together". Between friends who have helped each other through relationship ups and downs that is an entirely newsworthy thing to report. Would have been less newsworthy if you and your OH had been happily married for years.

Having gone through IVF myself (am currently 32 weeks pregnant) I can see how she might have felt it hard to respond and now from what you say about her relationship I wonder if it was twofold- not only might you have a baby before her, it's confirmation your relationship is working out when hers does not sound good at all.

All salvageable I am sure, but it sounds like you two do an awful lot of texting and not enough talking. Perhaps one way to stop future misunderstandings like this would be to try to communicate big news only when talking and save texts for things like sending pictures and setting up good times to chat on the phone?

Very best of luck with the ttc and hope it works out for your friend too (and, regardless of his character defects, try not to blame her DH for his infertility, that is something over which he has no control).

VoldysGoneMouldy · 10/07/2016 11:46

I can't believe you told someone who is waiting for IVF it would be wonderful to have a baby at the same time. What on earth were you thinking? We're waiting for fertility treatment, and no matter how close a friend was, if they said that to me, not acknowledging the statement would be the kindest thing I could manage. It was lacking in kindness and thought. You might have taken that on board from the posts above, but if you're going to continue to be this woman's friend you need to get a grip somewhat before you can be a good friend.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 10/07/2016 11:47

I can't believe you told someone who is waiting for IVF it would be wonderful to have a baby at the same time. What on earth were you thinking? We're waiting for fertility treatment, and no matter how close a friend was, if they said that to me, not acknowledging the statement would be the kindest thing I could manage. It was lacking in kindness and thought. You might have taken that on board from the posts above, but if you're going to continue to be this woman's friend you need to get a grip somewhat before you can be a good friend.

meowli · 10/07/2016 11:48

Having read the full thread, could I just make a suggestion, for future reference? If posters haven't got the time/can't be bothered to R a FT, then just scroll through and read the op's replies. Takes a few minutes at most. You can then form a pretty accurate picture of where the op's at, so to speak, and tailor your posts accordingly. No need for these tediously vitriolic posts long after the op has had second thoughts/agreed they're wrong/committed hara-kiri etc.

Good luck to you and your friend with ttc, op. Flowers

Oriunda · 10/07/2016 11:53

I've read TFT. All I'd say to OP is don't apologise to your friend for mentioning it - will just exacerbate the problem (and mean you've raised the issue twice). This from a woman who (stupidly) told her mother in 2003 that she was going to try - and didnt successfully deliver a baby until 2012.

DeadGood · 10/07/2016 12:07

Oh heck OP, I've shown terrible etiquette and not read the full thread before blundering in with a pointless comment.

Best of luck with TTC, ignore the poster who said you'd struggle to conceive naturally at 37 (pfft), and I hope your friend has good luck too. I know a couple who went through 4 rounds of IVF and decided to call it a day. They recently went for one last try and are now expecting a December baby.

You sound lovely and I'm sorry for the hardship you've endured in your past x

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/07/2016 12:12

She's struggling with long term infertility and your comments will have, unintentionally, cut her to the quick, especially as she now faces the likelihood of you being the next to conceive. She dealt with it heroically by simply letting it slide, even more reasonable for the fact that you aren't pregnant yet and so have no actual news for reaction.

You are being very unreasonable and insensitive. Sometimes it's not all about you.

PurpleDaisies · 10/07/2016 12:14

You are being very unreasonable and insensitive. Sometimes it's not all about you.

Read the thread? The op has repeatedly admitted this. Biscuit

WicksEnd · 10/07/2016 12:25

They are close friends, surely better to let her friend know they're trying in case it does happen quickly for her?
I can't quite get over the vitriol Confused The op accepted she was insensitive several pages back, so posters continue to have a go and tell the op she's the one who is insensitive. Take a look at yourselves. Sad

PerspicaciaTick · 10/07/2016 12:38

If I had got your message while I was waiting for IVF I would have had the following thoughts:

  1. I don't need to know you are having unprotected sex.
  2. It could take years for you to get pregnant, but now I'll have to keep asking you how it is going and analysing it all.
  3. "Wouldn't it be fantastic to have babies at the same time" - yes, but that is a dream I can't begin to allow myself, because everything connected with my fertility is too uncertain.
  4. And if we don't have babies at the same time? If you have your baby and my hopes of ever having one a getting further and further away? How will our relationship cope?
  5. Now, ever time we meet, I will be waiting for your to deliver the body-blow "I'm pregnant".
  6. While I am very happy you are trying and will be very happy when you get pregnant, I can't help feeling that (if my experience is anything to go by) this could be the start of a long and difficult journey. But I can't say that without raining on your parade.

Try getting all that in a text message without sounding like a right cow - probably better not to reply at all?

So - while I hope I would have the courage to reply "Fantastic news", I can also fully understand why your friend has struggled to respond to the news. Perhaps her feelings are so complicated that trying to put it all in text seems impossible and she is waiting until you meet face to face.

Original poster
peskyfeelings · 10/07/2016 12:40

Thank you DeadGood. You are very kind.

I know it's not all about me. In fact this is the first time in 37 years that I've felt something is actually about me. Hence me getting a bit carried away and forgetting about the feelings of others.

OP posts:
LyndaNotLinda · 10/07/2016 12:50

I do love aibu when the OP is actually asking.

Good luck OP. Really hope ttc is fun and quick xx

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/07/2016 12:52

No one knows IRL that me and DP are TTC.
I don't get why you'd tell anyone. It's not a secret but. It's also no one else's business.
You sound like you just want to whole world to know you're shagging.
I don't how you wanted her to react tbh.
Jump and down and do a merry dance.
She's probably feeling a bit melhoncoly.

Dutchcourage · 10/07/2016 12:54

I got told this many many times during the ten years I struggled with infertility and you know what - I fucking dealt with it. Not once did I see my arse or expect the person who was telling me to burn in hell for the audacity of it.

That's 7seven years of unexplained infertility then two eptopics with tubal removals making it impossible to conceive naturally. Then three rounds of IVF.

Honestly some of the posts on here are ridiculous!

op once again - happy shagging and good luck!

NerrSnerr · 10/07/2016 12:54

Ffs ilive if you can't be bothered to read the full thread at least read the last few posts.

Sallystyle · 10/07/2016 12:54

The only part that I think you were insensitive about was the comment about becoming mothers at the same time. You have accepted that pages back.

Your friendship seems like an open and honest one, she has talked to you about you having a baby before so I understand why you think she would be ok with you telling her you are TTC.

I really don't think you have done that much wrong. Good luck with everything Thanks

PerspicaciaTick · 10/07/2016 13:00

BTW, I don't want you to think that my post was saying you had been insensitive. Just that your friend's repsonse to your news may have been more complex than you realised and that she needs more time/to see you face to face to come up with a coherent response that doesn't dump all that on you unfairly.

Ginkypig · 10/07/2016 13:02

The wicks

It's because either they haven't bothered to actually read the thread or they just like having a pop over the internet!

My response at the start of this thread would be massively different from the response now Iv read the thread.

pesky Just a quick good luck, oh and I hope you and your friend manage to find some middle ground so you both can be ok in your own situations but still have the chance to share with each other where appropriate. (If that make sense)

nonline · 10/07/2016 13:05

Whilst I've never understood the desire for people to say they are 'trying' for a baby (ugh!), I have sympathy with you OP. I also offer thanks as this has given me a heads up about what I perhaps should or should not say to friends of mine: One would love kids but not good timing and the other may have to have IVF. They act unbothered (I had a baby sooner than expected) but I worry there are feelings being hidden.

Good luck with your own journey and I wish your friend well. I am silently swearing for you at all the other people asking you about your intentions when it's none of their business.

MargotLovedTom · 10/07/2016 13:06

Jesus wept. How many more people are going to blunder in telling the OP she's a heartless twat?

Good luck OP. Hope it works out for you and your friend.

Mumberjack · 10/07/2016 13:09

Your friend is likely thinking 'oh fuck yet another person who will get pregnant easily and have their baby while we're struggling' (that used to be my thought process anyway).
However she's probably been waiting on a pg announcement from you whenever you've been in touch so you've been able to give her prior notice so she can deal with her emotions when you do tell her.
I think you should tell her you didn't mean any offence, that she can talk to you any time about treatment etc, and that youre rooting for her.
I also hope your ttc 'journey' is short as infertility is horribly damaging and unfair for already too many people.

April241 · 10/07/2016 13:10

It is a really delicate topic that you need to tread carefully with. I fell pregnant less than a year after coming off the pill and with twins, i'm currently 24 weeks. I have a friend with fertility issues that I was absolutely terrified of telling, I told her a few days before I made an announcement to everyone as I didn't want her finding out second hand.

A few weeks before i'd told her we went for lunch and she'd found out someone else she knew was potentially having twins and being scanned to see if the second baby was viable - she was really happy for them but upset at the same time as her and her OH alway joke that they'll go through IVF and have the twins. When I had my scan and we found out we were having twins I was even more worried about telling her and spent ages trying to figure out what to say.

I know my friend well and for her I knew it was best to text her to allow her time to process the information and get back to me whenever she felt like it - so I don't agree with the pp who said a phone call or face to face is always better, if I had done that with my friend it would have been very awkward for her.

I think you've acknowledged that you overstepped a little but it doesn't seem to me like it was intentional, you don't seem to me like a horrible friend at all.

Wishing you, and your friend, the best of luck with your journeys.

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2016 13:11

If you're using the App, are you able to highlight your and the OP's posts in different colours like you can on the PC?

I do hope so. And I do hope more people take advantage of the facility...

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2016 13:12

Thank you NannyOgg. You're as straight to the point as your namesake.

I try!

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