AIBU or is this normal these days?

[SultanOfPing]

I don't know if i'm completely out of touch, or if DH's ex and kids are completely taking the piss, so a couple of honest views would be appreciated... Basically, DH's ex wife has always been a bit 'grabby'. For the two boys, she gets about £150 more than the csa recommend - in total, close to £1200 a month for the pair of them. The £150 is made up of extra for clothes and dinner money. The two boys are 14 and 16, and the eldest is all set to go on to do A levels in September. A few weeks ago, he started hinting about new stuff for school. He asked for a leather jacket, boots, tshirts and jeans...we agreed on the jacket (it's not a cheap one that he's picked!) and two pairs of jeans. Anyway, the ex sent DH a text a couple of days ago...she's putting £500 of her own money (she doesn't work, so basically DH's/our money that we give her for the boys) towards clothes, footwear and books and expects us to match it. We have two young children of our own and, well, we just can't afford it. We rent a five bed house so the boys can have their own rooms, even though they only visit for a weekend every three weeks and half of school holidays. Anyway, as expected, DH's ex has gone mental. How DH is a bad parent, that he doesn't care, how he has no idea how hard it is for her (she actually left him for another bloke after carrying on behind his back for nearly two years and took the kids 300 miles away [and does nothing to help with visits]) and how he's going to alienate his boys if he's not careful. DH is stressing about it all because he's worried that he won't see his sons because they'll turn against him. Me? I wanna punch the bitch in the throat. Are teenagers really this expensive? Is this a normal demand for a 16yr old kid? We also give them pocket money that goes straight into their bank accounts, which they do nothing for (they don't help out in the kitchen or walk the dogs when they come up to stay, for example) and he has no intention of using any of that for his new wardrobe or books. This isn't the first time that she's asked for more money, and we always pay half (at least) towards uniforms and footwear - we also buy them everyday clothes, usually a couple of tshirts or a hoodie when i'm buying clothes for our two (2 & 4, so grow out of things quickly!). Are we being unreasonable by telling the boys' mum that we can't afford it (we'd have to get stuff on a credit card) or is it normal to fork out this much money? My friends all tell me that we do more than enough already but, well, they're my mates so possibly a bit biased?

Fruitcider - ex is single, but we don't know if she works or is on benefits. Any questions about homelife lead to me or DH being accused of being nosey, how it's none of our business etc. Easier not to ask! As for the amount, it was a compromise - for the first year we were together, she was getting several hundred pounds more. It's not been easy, but the threat of losing the boys has always been used if DH even hints at not coughing up. I'm hoping we're safe with the start of gcse's and a levels looming in the UK...

So what are you going to do? Not give the £500 I hope?

I think lowering the maintenance amount would likely cause issues but any extras I think should go directly to the sons - either by buying them when they are with you or cash given to them/put into their accounts. I think it's a bit mean if your dh earns well to say that he pays maintenance so that should cover everything. Most parents treat their children to things outside of birthdays and Christmas if they can afford it.

I think the boys are old enough to have their own relationship with their dad, and decide if they want to see him or not. How can they be manipulated at their ages? If they decide not to for now, based on this, that's their problem.

I suppose teens can be torn anyway, about wanting to be with their friends, and going to visit a parent. I do find it weird that the boys don't tell you what their mum does, work-wise, but nothing surprises me about exes and children any more.

I think you sound like nice people and hope the relationship with the boys continues happily into adulthood.

It's non of your business, yet she asks you to give more? Tell her you can't afford it. When she asks why, tell her she's being nosey!

Thanks, Charley. Unfortunately, because they spend most of the time with their mum, they only get her side of things so we have had a few glitches over the years when they've made excuses about not coming down. Hopefully, not giving the eldest what he thinks he needs won't cause any issues.
All in all, it's not a great situation but I don't think giving the ex and the eldest what they ask for is the right way to do things. Time that DH put his size 11's down...and if my size 9 has to be on top of it, then so be it. I usually stay out of it all (ok, so after chucking in my 2p's worth occasionally) but forking out the extra £500 will impact on our little ones. I'm already losing two days leave next month to go pick the boys up and take them home again, £500 out of my wages on them too? I don't think so.

So....for several pages you have said she doesn't work....now you don't actually know. No, it is none of your business. Not that it makes a difference to your partner's responsibilities towards his children anyway.

Earlier this year, DH received a number of texts telling him what his son wanted for his birthday and that it was only fair that we pay more because we both work...we took that to mean that she didn't. She didn't work whilst married - before the boys came along, so not like she gave up a job to be a fulltime mum - and there have been a number of occasions, such as having to file financial history when going after an old pension of DH's, where it doesn't appear that she was working. So, no. We don't know for certain that she doesn't work but it's quite likely that she doesn't.

I would interpret 'because you both work' to mean that you are a two-income family and she is a one-income family. Not that she doesn't work.

I find it astounding that your stepsons don't mention things like what Mum's job is to their father. . All my divorced friends - both male and female - report hearing more detail than they really want to know about their ex from the children. It's very sad for them that, for whatever reason, they feel they have to keep those two parts of their lives so separate.

Somerville - I can't recall the exact wording, but it was worded in a way that suggested more along the lines of you work/ I don't. It's tricky to explain without giving identities away but, as well as other things that have gone on? As you say, the boys don't say anything about their mum's work. Both my husband and I sometimes have to catch up on work when the boys are down (often just a couple of emails, nothing too time-consuming) and, as I have quite an unusual job, the youngest in particular always asks questions as it's in an area that interests him. Neither of them ever talk of their mum working though. For the record, we don't care what they go back to their mum with in regards to how we behave or new things that we might have - we just have to be careful about what we ask or say about things that may concern their mum.