AIBU or is this normal these days?

[SultanOfPing]

I don't know if i'm completely out of touch, or if DH's ex and kids are completely taking the piss, so a couple of honest views would be appreciated... Basically, DH's ex wife has always been a bit 'grabby'. For the two boys, she gets about £150 more than the csa recommend - in total, close to £1200 a month for the pair of them. The £150 is made up of extra for clothes and dinner money. The two boys are 14 and 16, and the eldest is all set to go on to do A levels in September. A few weeks ago, he started hinting about new stuff for school. He asked for a leather jacket, boots, tshirts and jeans...we agreed on the jacket (it's not a cheap one that he's picked!) and two pairs of jeans. Anyway, the ex sent DH a text a couple of days ago...she's putting £500 of her own money (she doesn't work, so basically DH's/our money that we give her for the boys) towards clothes, footwear and books and expects us to match it. We have two young children of our own and, well, we just can't afford it. We rent a five bed house so the boys can have their own rooms, even though they only visit for a weekend every three weeks and half of school holidays. Anyway, as expected, DH's ex has gone mental. How DH is a bad parent, that he doesn't care, how he has no idea how hard it is for her (she actually left him for another bloke after carrying on behind his back for nearly two years and took the kids 300 miles away [and does nothing to help with visits]) and how he's going to alienate his boys if he's not careful. DH is stressing about it all because he's worried that he won't see his sons because they'll turn against him. Me? I wanna punch the bitch in the throat. Are teenagers really this expensive? Is this a normal demand for a 16yr old kid? We also give them pocket money that goes straight into their bank accounts, which they do nothing for (they don't help out in the kitchen or walk the dogs when they come up to stay, for example) and he has no intention of using any of that for his new wardrobe or books. This isn't the first time that she's asked for more money, and we always pay half (at least) towards uniforms and footwear - we also buy them everyday clothes, usually a couple of tshirts or a hoodie when i'm buying clothes for our two (2 & 4, so grow out of things quickly!). Are we being unreasonable by telling the boys' mum that we can't afford it (we'd have to get stuff on a credit card) or is it normal to fork out this much money? My friends all tell me that we do more than enough already but, well, they're my mates so possibly a bit biased?

Oh and get the proper calculation from CSA done!

Widdlin'diddlins comment is completely sensible and is the advice I would follow if I was the OP.

They (not you OP) sound so materialistic. Would his kids really turn against your husband if he didn't fork out hundreds of pounds for clothes?
I have received fuck all from my ex in 12 years. Yes I'm a mug but he had some mental health issues and is self employed and incredibly tight and I can't deal with the stress of chasing it, then getting fuck all anyway because he earns little on paper. Do I prevent access or slag him off to my DS? No I don't, because I see that there are good things about his parenting and about him. He loves his son. That's a good thing.

The comments implying that OPs DH shouldn't have had any more kids are pathetic. And blaming him for letting his ex move away. FFS.

You hubby's ex sounds a bit like mine.
As far as I'm concerned she's not teaching them the value of money by giving them stuff hand over fist. My older kids had everything second hand, they value their belongings and looks after them. My stepsons "lose" expensive things all the time, leave stuff lying around and make no atteattempt to look after things.
You are not being unreasonable. And unless you nip this in the bud she will continue to do so, your stepchildren sound like they are entitled brats in demanding the things they're demanding - facilitated by her and then again by yourselves by agreeing!!
My own kids didn't get a penny in pocket money as they did chuff all round the house - this hasn't done them any harm - my daughter is at uni and has so far managed to save about £7k 😳 I believe we've taught her well 😀

OP, your husband needs to grow a pair and stop treading on egg shells when it comes to his ex.

Seriously, you don't ask them any questions because she calls giving him an ear full? How about you just don't answer her call? Or grow a pair and tell her to sod off, he can speak to his boys about whatever he likes?

Again, it all comes down to him not going along with her bullying behaviour.

No it's unreasonable but why is he afraid of the kids turning against him?

At 14 and 16 they should be able to understand this stuff. Why doesn't he take them out for dinner or for the day and just tell them how he feels about the requests, what he's worried about etc. He can explain that he loves them more than life itself but he's under financial pressure and does his best for them.

they will understand!

£1200 isn't a kick up the arse off what I earn working full time!

£500 is bonkers.

I thought I would add that my wages at the time were definitely taken into account. They sent forms for me to take to my employer to fill my earnings in. Then the payments to the ex went up. We are going back quite a few years though, so it sounds like they no longer do that. Just as well. We did share the children, one lived with us and one lived with ex. Then 2 nights a week we had both and 2 nights she had both. When the ex got a part time job right near the end when the youngest was 16 and I'd had a baby, so my income was gone the other half discovered he could now claim off the ex as her income ended up as more!

What does aibu mean?

What does aibu mean?

"Am I being unreasonable?" - it's the name of this board.

If I only saw my children one weekend in three I'd miss them so much that I'd pretty much buy them as much stuff as I could afford. To try to get them to see more of me and their half siblings as much as anything else.

All those people who are so letter-of-the-law on CSA payments, really? You're suggesting cutting the maintenance just as the boys have got to their most expensive, and when the OP has said that this isn't the issue?

Somerville do you equate buying stuff with love? Not everyone does. There are many other ways of showing someone you care about them.

There's a lot of parents being bullied by the other parent here. Stop pandering to them. If the kids don't visit because you've not bought them gold plated trainers I'd be tempted to say you'd be better off. Don't be held to ransom. It's doing no one any favours.

GTBAwesome my pal, really? Imagine (totally hypothetical) you split up from your partner and the kids go to live with him. For whatever reason they only want to spend every third weekend with you. You'd feel better off if they stopped visiting? I wouldn't - I don't think I'd take any risks with upsetting them, if I was in that situation, in case they stopped coming.

Honestly Somerville, you'd get over that pretty quickly when they turned into demanding brats.

Just buying what kids ask for is not good parenting. Being the non res doesn't mean you shouldn't parent the kids properly. In fact, in later years, you actually get more respect from them for having done so.

You have to teach kids the value of money, it doesnt grow on trees, course some of the posts are correct in saying what is a huge sum for one family is loose change to another. The amount ex-wife gets is really generous, yes, WHY doesnt she work! The boy gets £50 "pocket" money anyway, he should save up and buy his own stuff.he should also earn it. When my kids were teenagers, I desided to give them an allowance if you like (pocket money really) and they would buy their own clothes, it failed miserably! They spent if all at one go, and the oldest would try borrowing from the youngest. Teenagers cost as much or as little as you can afford, simple as that. Step-kids can be quite clever at playing Mum off against Dad, trying to get more.

Well it's one way of showing love. A much, much less ineffectual way than spending time with someone - and spending time with my children is my greatest joy and pleasure.

But if they didn't want to spend more than one weekend in three with me, I wouldn't have that option for vast swathes of time. So I would do absolutely everything else I could to show them that I love them above all else. Saving for their future. Writing letters. Phoning. And buying them anything I could afford.

I hear you op we have to watch what we say anything at all goes back and gets twisted and we get an aggressive phone call about it. It's awful . The step kids are like minions to the exw and o hate to say that because theyre just children but they are sent to spy and report back basically. Any time we 'step out of line' do something the ex doesn't like the kids start playing up , saying they don't want to come etc . God it's grim.

OutToGetYou
Sure, ideally, both parents, after a split, play full parts in parenting their DC. Including having a respectful relationship as co-parents, agreeing on budgets and boundaries, and enabling each other to spend as much time with the DC as is practical around school and other commitments.

But the OP's husband and his first wife haven't managed that, and I'm imagining what I would feel and do if I were in his situation. And I just can't amine a scenario where a non-resident parent who only sees their DC for 2 days out of every 21 can parent their children properly. How?

Somerville - they live 300 miles away, because their mum moved them. Any more than once a month is too much travelling time tbh.

Somerville, buying love isn't good. If I had to buy my children's attention I would feel I had failed but I'm coming at it from the point of view of the ex is pulling all the strings and influencing the children and I feel if the dad stopped pandering to her , the children would see how things really are.

I was bought the odd thing but it wasn't because they loved me or gave a shit. It was so they would be seen to be a wonderful person. That isn't the case here. The ex is bulling the dad and taking advantage of his love for his children. She's teaching them no presents equal no love which is horrible and untrue.

You know recent events have reconfirmed to me that money and gifts does not equal love.

I'm not saying you buy love , Somerville. You clearly don't!

Thanks, GBT awesome.

No I don't buy love - I don't actually think it is a commodity that can be bought. But I would spend money to show love if I were limited in being able to show it in other ways. Since I can show it by doing things for and with my children, and lots of cuddles, I get to be strict with them about most stuff they ask for. Most stuff.

I totally get what you mean Somerville and I hope you do me.

. Thinking there should have been a comma in there!

I would accept the that your husband has a first set of kids and they have to have the same share as his second set of kids BUT teenagers are more expensive it's just a fact, please don't take that harshly I am trying for fairness . That being said your husbands income will be linked to what is expected - most high earners don't shop at Primark. So there is the issue of perceived status, the mothers belief that her kids should get a share for your wealth. I would also say a bit of reframing that you are earning for your family , not hers , it is the difference that makes your life more 'comfortable' when your husband has to work hard to pay for two families. If you keep this in mind that you don't have to work - you could stay at home and live 'lightly' , but you choose to work to have a larger house etc. Its all yours , own it! I would do as much as possible to control the funds , for example only pay invoices not give cash to mother .Talk to the sons about this first so they know what changes are coming their way , agreeing a budget will also begin to allow the boys to understand how far the money goes- perhaps it can carry over month on month and they can really begin to see what it buys in relation to what they want - back to Primark and their chance to decide what they want to buy . So they need new clothes - agree the limit and ask they send the URL/ links of the items in size etc and then pay , having the items delivered either to you if timing with visits or direct to sons , same for books and anything other than the pocket money which they get to spend as they choose. They either live somewhere where there are shops and can exchange the items if they are ill fitting or they are ordering via internet anyway. This is how most people buy these days anyway so the mothers ( I imagine) annoyance about the practicality of changes counts for little. This should send the message that you will provide but not to mothers demands for cash and you can be sure that she can't be using the money for anything else.

Awesome