Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I broken playdate etiquette?

196 replies

m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 17:35

Dd is nearly 9. I work so poor dd rarely has friends over. I finally got my act in gear and invited dd's close friend. We know the parents well enough to chat but that's about it. Anyway, I suggested dd's friend could sleep over. All fine. Then a meal that had been cancelled was rescheduled so there was a clash. I mentioned to dh and he said it wasn't an issue and it's only 3 hours I'll be out anyway. Dh does more school runs than me and is very hands on and capable with our 3dc. I mentioned it to dd's df's mum and she's now cancelled. Dh is really upset and worried how other parents view him. Her reason was that she feels her dd "needs a 'mummy' around".
I'm struggling to understand without being offended on dh's behalf. Dh is far more patient and fun than I'll ever be. He's hosted playdates and sleep overs before for other dc (usually when I'm out with their mums).

OP posts:
Rainbow · 12/07/2016 20:27

IMO. I would be more than happy for my DC to stay in that situation. The mum seems strange to me x

clicketyclick66 · 12/07/2016 20:41

To be honest, I will only allow sleepovers with girls if I'm in the house, with my son's friends it's not an issue. That's at the insistence of my dh who worries about false accusations, and as he is a football coach and heavily involved with the county underage football team, he needs "Garda vetting" (irish system of checking criminal convictions) regularly and doesn't want to place it in jeopardy.

TrippleBlessed · 12/07/2016 21:15

Your DH could be a paedophile, who knows, without 'Mummy' around to keep watch he could do anything.

pollymere · 12/07/2016 21:31

I wouldn't leave my DH with girls on his own (other than our dd) and he's got DBS clearance! Partly in case he got accused of something and partly because he just doesn't really get girls. I can understand this lady's concerns if she's never met your DH. I suspect she's made an excuse which sounds better than "your husband could be running a paedophile ring and I don't know him" but it could also be true that her daughter only feels safe or comfortable with a female maternal figure around. Don't judge her on it, just rearrange.

228agreenend · 12/07/2016 21:34

Mummy could be a paedophile also.. . (Not implying you are, obviously), as paedophiles come in all shape and sizes.

228agreenend · 12/07/2016 21:35

(Not read whole thread)

KatieKaboom · 12/07/2016 21:44

Yeah, except they are overwhelmingly male.

Anmi0802 · 12/07/2016 22:01

I really don't understand why people are saying bad things about this woman. You know your husband but she doesn't. Also I think if you want to arrange a sleep over don't go for dinner afterwards otherwise you can make your daughter upset, and don't blame other people for you not keeping your plans in the first place

TrippleBlessed · 12/07/2016 22:15

I would be mega pissed off if the mother that I agreed to leave my DD with decided to bugger off somewhere and suggest my DD be left with her DH. No bloody way.

KindDogsTail · 12/07/2016 22:18

Here are some statistics from a US site.

victimsofcrime.org/media/reporting-on-child-sexual-abuse/statistics-on-perpetrators-of-csa
Child Sexual Abuse Statistics
The prevalence of child sexual abuse is difficult to determine because it is often not reported; experts agree that the incidence is far greater than what is reported to authorities. CSA is also not uniformly defined, so statistics may vary. Statistics below represent some of the research done on child sexual abuse.

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Children’s Bureau report Child Maltreatment 2010 found that 9.2% of victimized children were sexually assaulted (page 24).

Studies by David Finkelhor, Director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center, show that:

1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse;

Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident;

During a one-year period in the U.S., 16% of youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;

Over the course of their lifetime, 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized;

Children are most vulnerable to CSA between the ages of 7 and 13.

Statistics on Perpetrators of Child Sexual Abuse

Offenders are overwhelmingly male, ranging from adolescents to the elderly (page 171).

Some perpetrators are female. It is estimated that women are the abusers in about 14% of cases reported among boys and 6% of cases reported among girls.

Approximately one-third of offenders are themselves juveniles (page 172).
23% of reported cases of child sexual abuse are perpetrated by individuals under the age of 18 (page 3)

Only 14% of children who suffered sexual abuse were violated by an unknown perpetrator (page 172).

60% of children are sexually abused by someone in their social circle. Hence, the phrase “Stranger Danger” is misleading (page 172).

Meta-analysis estimates that 14% of sexual offenders commit another sexual offense after five years, 24% after fifteen years (page 172).

Child Maltreatment 2010 reports that 6.2% of child abusers sexually abused a child (page 77).

40-80% of juvenile sex offenders have themselves been victims of sexual abuse (Advances in Clinical Child Psychology, page 19).

Mynameisdominoharvey · 12/07/2016 22:31

tripleblessed the op states that she bought it up to the girls mum, she didn't plan on just buggering off, at least she had the courtesy to discuss it with her first

TrippleBlessed · 12/07/2016 22:41

MyName - yes I understand she discussed it but my comment is directed at why OP is struggling to understand why the mother changed her mind. The mother changed her mind because OP wanted to bugger off while the DD was left with her DH during that time.

sandbagsatdawn · 12/07/2016 22:41

Venus, 9 is young for a sleepover???? Mine started having sleepovers aged 5 or 6. My daughter went on a 4 night school residential trip aged 8. I'd be amazed to find a 9 year old that hadn't been on a sleepover.

TrippleBlessed · 12/07/2016 22:59

Sand at aged 5!!! Goodness. What need is there to even have a sleepover?

Mynameisdominoharvey · 12/07/2016 23:07

triple I see, my apologies

musicislife · 12/07/2016 23:09

I think my dd would only have been comfortable with going if she already knew the mum and if that's who'd done the inviting I would expect her to be there. If I'd done the inviting and then had to go out for a few hours I would have checked that the other parent was OK with that. - I am a bit protective fair to say but that's only because I've not had much help from family - no sleepovers or days out with grandparents etc. I've had dc's all to myself 🤔

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2016 00:09

My dd's friend has had a sleep over successfully at our house on a coupe of occasions. However, on one occasion she asked to go home. I called the mum, who encouraged me to keep her here, however, I was not happy keeping dd's friend at our house when she was not happy and I took her home in the middle of the night. (If I had had a couple of drinks I would not have been able to, of course, but luckily I had not). At no point did I worry that this reflected badly on me or us, and I did not blame the child.

I respect children's and adults decisions about themselves whatever the reasons. This child is quite shy and nervous. Luckily, this was not her first or last sleep over at mine, but there is nothing to say another sleep over might end this way. That's life.

MumOfTwo1978 · 13/07/2016 00:20

I am sure that DH shouldn't take it personally, but you say that you only know the parents to chat to, so on that basis they have to use their own judgement. Some parents are very relaxed about other people looking after their children, and some aren't. You really just need to respect that decision and I am sure you can reschedule for another time.

sandbagsatdawn · 13/07/2016 09:24

Triple no need for a sleepover obviously, but they and their friends wanted to, and had no attachment issues about needing mum around to go to sleep so were perfectly happy (and very excited). I'm not in a minority, loads of people I know started letting their kids go on sleepovers at a similar age, certainly while still at infant school.

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 13/07/2016 12:48

I agree with marblestatue

I think it's probably nothing personal. She could have anxiety, or have had bad experiences, or some other reason. I think it's unfair for people to be labelling her a "loon".

There could be any number of reasons why the mother (or the daughter) would be uncomfortable with the proposed arrangement and didn't want to go into detail with someone they don't socialise with outside of playdates

howdoyoueatanelephant · 14/07/2016 17:04

please don't take it badly. maybe the mum is more sensitive than others because she had a bad experience as a kid, or knows someone who did. Just try to rearrange the play date when you can. :-)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page