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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I broken playdate etiquette?

196 replies

m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 17:35

Dd is nearly 9. I work so poor dd rarely has friends over. I finally got my act in gear and invited dd's close friend. We know the parents well enough to chat but that's about it. Anyway, I suggested dd's friend could sleep over. All fine. Then a meal that had been cancelled was rescheduled so there was a clash. I mentioned to dh and he said it wasn't an issue and it's only 3 hours I'll be out anyway. Dh does more school runs than me and is very hands on and capable with our 3dc. I mentioned it to dd's df's mum and she's now cancelled. Dh is really upset and worried how other parents view him. Her reason was that she feels her dd "needs a 'mummy' around".
I'm struggling to understand without being offended on dh's behalf. Dh is far more patient and fun than I'll ever be. He's hosted playdates and sleep overs before for other dc (usually when I'm out with their mums).

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 09/07/2016 08:25

In which cas fruit - why would the mother be happy to leave her DD alone with this man?

fruitlovingmonkey · 09/07/2016 09:12

I can't answer that one. Whatever the reason for her cancelling the sleep over it doesn't explain why she then went ahead with the play date, knowing that OP would still be out.

SirChenjin · 09/07/2016 09:17

Exactly - it makes no sense whatsoever to leave her DD alone with the DH for part of the evening, esp as the OP was around for what would have been the sleepover part.

TheWindInThePillows · 09/07/2016 09:37

I didn't do sleepovers til the children were 10/11 (secondary age) as I felt uncomfortable with the whole sleepover thing for younger children, nothing to do with who was hosting it.

Looking after, no issue at all with dads looking after the children, in my social circle, this is very common, one of my children's best friends is a single dad with four children, they all have parties, kids over, sleepovers, super-friendly households, and beyond that, pretty much everyone I know, the dads pick up children, take them to Guides/Brownies, take them out on the bikes. Pretty much all the women work full-time and the dads are all hands on dads.

That's why this is a bit weird for me, I don't live in a world where only women or even mostly women care for children, not once they are school age anyway.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/07/2016 09:56

I've realised what I find odd about this thread. It's the assumption that people who watch your children are interchangeable regardless of circumstances.

I'd be happy leaving DS with DBIL for days but no longer than an hour with DSIL because she finds it stressful to have DCs around for long periods of time. I'd let DSIS take DS anywhere but not DBIL2 who managed to lose DS once.

SirChenjin · 09/07/2016 10:15

I've realised what I find odd about this thread. That the spurious arguments put forward for why the friend's DD was at risk of abuse, or needed a mummy, or that men aren't as good at looking after children and so on and on make absolutely no sense in the context of the timeline.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/07/2016 10:26

"I was once on a plane with a Buddhist monk (from Thailand) who could not sit next to a female passenger. I found that a bit 'odd' but respected it. I would not consider that view bigoted, would you?"

I would, yes. You're entitled to your religious beliefs, but only as long as they don't hurt others.Did he expect women passengers to move for him or had to bought two seats for himself?

Google the protests in Israel when some orthodox Jewish men try to make women sit at the back of the bus. Similar issues with some flights to and from Israel.

Gwenhwyfar · 09/07/2016 10:30

"A friend I know who is also a family therapist...She has a lot of experience of dealing with people who had instances of some sort of inappropriate sexual contact whilst in someone else's home. "

Do you think her work has given her a skewed view? It's like asking a police officer about human nature when they mostly only see the bad.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 09/07/2016 10:30

I'm not sure why you quoted me at the start of a post that has nothing to do with what I have said SirChenjin. I never made any of those accusations and tbh it's getting wearing that you try to undermine every point I make by setting up a straw man. You seem to have a strong sense of ownership over the type of comments you find acceptable on this thread. I will leave you to it.

SirChenjin · 09/07/2016 10:36

You explained what you find odd, I explained what I find odd - while not accusing you of anything. HTH.

RebelRogue · 09/07/2016 11:01

Going by personal experience i shouldn't let dd to be in a mixed class,let her go on any kind of trip or camp that allows boys,never have her around any males in the extended family young or old and never leave her out of sight with a tutor(even if he works with a group of kids) . Yeah that's not gonna happen.

Cubtrouble · 09/07/2016 23:11

She thinks all men are useless. She is likely to be the writer of peppa pig.

Your dh sounds great. My husband and I share 50/50 child care because we both work and he is a great dad. My friends would have no issue with him hosting a playdsye.

Your dd friends mother is odd

R8ch3l · 10/07/2016 21:37

It's certainly an out of the ordinary reaction, however i do wonder whether she's had a bad experience in the past, or worse a horrific experience as a child... Or maybe her husband's about as useful as a chocolate teapot.....

Hang on - second thoughts... I think I could think of something to use that teapot for....WinkChocolate

kawliga · 11/07/2016 05:42

My husband and I share 50/50 child care

This is not the norm. In most families the mother does most of the childcare.

Just look around you, when you're on the school run or in the playground. You won't see a 50/50 split between men and women doing childcare. It's only on MN that childcare is perfectly split equally between men and women, because obviously MN is a very equal place full of sunshine and light.

Also the risk is not sexual abuse or paedophilia Hmm it is more what a pp said about watching the tennis footy and letting the dc get on with it.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 11/07/2016 07:48

Also the risk is not sexual abuse or paedophilia hmm it is more what a pp said about watching the tennis footy and letting the dc get on with it

Erm, they are 9?! How much supervision do you think they require?! Confused

Lovelyjubbly87 · 11/07/2016 17:14

I would ask her how she would feel if her daughter had a male teacher? Would she insist the school employ a female teaching assistant?! I would be offended too, your husband sounds like a diamond and she sounds narrow minded. I'd maybe ask for an explanation to avoid future conflict, I would also ask the question I started with and ask whether she would leave her husband with dd and a friend?! Perplexed!

And to the person saying they wouldn't leave their kids with male family members? Troll surely? You think women don't play rugby and like to play a bit rough? Jesus is it the 1950s again?

elh1605 · 11/07/2016 17:33

Im agreeing with Margotlovedtom. You're all dissing the mum for cancelling but maybe it was the child. Maybe she's not used to lots of men-my nieces are only 'friendly' with family members-dad, 2 uncles and grandads as we don't have a big family. The eldest at 9 wouldn't contemplate a sleepover if there was just her friends dad around. It's nothing personal just what she's used to.
I would just ask the mum to reschedule the sleepover for another night when you are there.

Mingdog99 · 11/07/2016 17:35

I think that's pretty ridiculous but I think worth asking her why and what she's concerned about?

Slummamumma · 11/07/2016 17:36

I'd be upset too. My DP is excellent with his DD and my DS. As PPs have said, perhaps sadly she is just going on her own experiences with her DDs father and is not a personal reflection on your DH. He should definitely keep offering and try again but for an after school tea playdate and gently build up to the overnighter? Wine and Cake for you and your DH!

GrandMarmoset · 11/07/2016 18:10

My thought is that maybe she had a bad experience as a child. These things can be hard to get past.

happypoobum · 11/07/2016 18:11

Please don't take this personally OP.

My DD had a BF from age 5 - 9 whose mother died shortly after giving birth. I never had a problem letting DD go round there or have sleepovers. However, I do know that another one of their friends was not allowed to sleep over. That girl had been sexually abused by a male relative aged 3.

There could be many reasons why she has made the choice she has, but whatever they are, it isn't a reflection on you or DH.

SirChenjin · 11/07/2016 18:36

You know that the OP was there for the sleepover and that the woman left her daughter with the OP'S DH while the OP was out, right?

Seaitsayit · 11/07/2016 19:06

I think it's perfectly reasonable not to allow daughter to sleep over. It takes moments for a lifetime of damage to occur. I'm sure your DH is lovely but she is protecting her child. She isnt comfortable for whatever reason and you should respect that. She is applying her policy here which I guess she uses across the board. You really should have cancelled your dinner

SirChenjin · 11/07/2016 19:24

Again - you know that the OP was home for the sleepover and that the friend was left with the OP'S DH while she went out earlier in the evening?

bigbuttons · 11/07/2016 19:25

My kids have a crap father who is scary, they find it difficult to be around men because of him. It's not that unusual you know.