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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I broken playdate etiquette?

196 replies

m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 17:35

Dd is nearly 9. I work so poor dd rarely has friends over. I finally got my act in gear and invited dd's close friend. We know the parents well enough to chat but that's about it. Anyway, I suggested dd's friend could sleep over. All fine. Then a meal that had been cancelled was rescheduled so there was a clash. I mentioned to dh and he said it wasn't an issue and it's only 3 hours I'll be out anyway. Dh does more school runs than me and is very hands on and capable with our 3dc. I mentioned it to dd's df's mum and she's now cancelled. Dh is really upset and worried how other parents view him. Her reason was that she feels her dd "needs a 'mummy' around".
I'm struggling to understand without being offended on dh's behalf. Dh is far more patient and fun than I'll ever be. He's hosted playdates and sleep overs before for other dc (usually when I'm out with their mums).

OP posts:
m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 22:44

I'm not angry at the mum and we have had play dates just not this term as it's been busy. Love the fact that a poster assumed I must have been drinking if I went out - I was 5 minutes drive away (and drove ) so no just water for me. I was home by 10. Dc was picked up at 8pm. Dh also isn't having a strop or making it about him. If anything I'm more disappointed than him. He's accepted it's the way of the world - which I find depressing but there you go.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 08/07/2016 22:45

When was such an invitation issued on this thread by the OP?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/07/2016 22:48

This is going round in Friday night circles. I would have let the other parent know. And I would respect that with a change of circumstance they might change their mind about coming. I still think it's a shame the DCs are missing out.

m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 22:51

I'm not inviting people to abuse her just wondering how others felt as the response surprised me. I was expecting to be told I'd completely messed up. If they were younger I'd understand a bit more but they don't need dressing etc so dh had no reason to feel awkward and the mum asked for her dd to be in pjs ready for collection. Anyway dd had playdate just not sleep over and we're seeing more friends tomorrow.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2016 22:52

SirChenjin I've asked for my post that mentions you to be deleted, We shall see. Smile

SirChenjin · 08/07/2016 22:54

So the friend came round in the time you were out (and your DH was the parent in charge) - but when you were back in the house she had left? Confused

tava63 · 08/07/2016 22:55

If you read my post you will see I put a question mark after drinking, this Mum doesn't know you very well, you made an arrangement and you changed it. If I was in her position I would have come up with a reason to cancel. For me it wouldn't be about a Men vs Women thing it would simply be about me feeling that you weren't following through on the commitment that you made and this is a family I don't know well.

m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 22:58

I felt she knew us well enough (may have misjudged this). I collected dc at 3pm and was home until 6.55pm. I'd let the mum know the timings and she let me know she would rather postpone sleep over and collect at 8pm.

OP posts:
KatieKaboom · 08/07/2016 22:58

Invite was the wrong word but you MUST have known the response you'd get on Mumsnet. People are always so keen to show they're not Sun-reading paedo-hunters on here.

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2016 22:59

Well it looks like things worked out well and very glad your dd got her playdate. Smile

SirChenjin · 08/07/2016 23:04

What a shame she wanted to cancel as you were there for 4 hours, out for 3 (while her DD was being supervised by the male parent for part of that time) and then you would have been back for the actual sleepover part - and you made that clear to her.

If you read the thread Katie you'll see that there have been a mixture of responses. Which is how it usually goes on MN.

Tabsicle · 08/07/2016 23:10

Italiangreyhound - so it wouldn't be bigoted to refuse to let your DC go to a Jewish household or Black family just because you felt uncomfortable? Because that's basically what you're saying - bigotry is ok as long as it stays in the personal sphere.

Eh. Maybe I am overreacting but I was raised in a single parent family for a while. And yeah, it's not nice to be told that many MN posters would prefer kids like me didn't socialise with their DCs because they made the bad call to lose their mothers.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 08/07/2016 23:14

One of DD2's friend's mums doesn't let her come on sleepovers as there will be men around. So she hasn't stayed at ours.

But she invited DD2 over for a sleepover last week. So her DH can be trusted not to attack a young girl, but my DH can't? HmmAngry

I was tempted not to let her go on principle, but relented in the end. Found it very hypocritical though.

midcenturymater · 08/07/2016 23:28

Totally reasonable of the woman to pull out. The fact is more men molest kids than women. Why should she take that risk.

midcenturymater · 08/07/2016 23:35

A friend I know who is also a family therapist relayed to me how sleep overs should be avoided for exactly the reason that you have no control over what adults or teenagers may be around your child. She has a lot of experience of dealing with people who had instances of some sort of inappropriate sexual contact whilst in someone else's home. YAU to not appreciate that other people have no idea what your husband is like and so ofetn women in homes where abuse happens are totally unaware. As a child I was involved in a youth group- very lovely charismatic leader-was charged with interfering with several of the young men. None of us could believe it. People who abuse children are not easy to spot so often people decide to just avoid the risk. The woman is not a loon.She is being cautious.

SirChenjin · 08/07/2016 23:35

Her daughter played at the house when the OP wasn't there and the male parent was (eek - risk alert Hmm). When the OP would have been there she took her DD home.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 08/07/2016 23:36

bigotry is ok as long as it stays in the personal sphere

Bigotry is fine if statistics suggest there is a greater risk to your child in that situation. Unfortunately, certain people are more likely to abuse than others. Parents have a right and an obligation to respond to that. If you think that's wrong I'm sorry for your kids.

SirChenjin · 08/07/2016 23:37

There for the sleepover

Italiangreyhound · 08/07/2016 23:57

Tabsicle I think you have made a very fair point, but maybe extrapolated further from my point.

But to explain my response.

IMHO it is not bigoted to decide that your child cannot go to the home of someone when plans have been changed.

(I've now discovered this is not exactly the case but assuming that there was a situation where a person made plans and then who would be caring for the child changed and they did choose not to attend...)

That is/was the context here. We are not talking about never being around men or never going to a home where a man is. If a parent were to say that a child could never go to the home where there was a dad, even if they knew the dad was very nice etc, I think I would assume that the person had some bigoted views about men but I would still say it is their choice. It is not like denying someone a place in a university, hospital or job.

There are women who do not want to be around men ever, for whatever reason, and I think that should be respected. Whether we consider it bigoted or not is perhaps by the by. I was once on a plane with a Buddhist monk (from Thailand) who could not sit next to a female passenger. I found that a bit 'odd' but respected it. I would not consider that view bigoted, would you?

Regarding someone who refused to let your DC go to a Jewish household, yes, I would feel that was bigoted. I would feel this was very sad. However, I am aware of religious groups who can only eat with members of their own religion. And again, I find that very sad, but they have some reasons for this and part of our freedom of our personal lives is we do choose who to be around. People can easily make choices that avoid people they do not like to be around for quite arbitrary reasons. Is that bigoted?

And they are not being denied healthcare/work/university - just the pleasure of the company of said person/family.

Yes it is bigoted definitely if a black family or person were being excluded. And yes I would call that bigotry. But what about a black family who do not want to invite a white person in. Do we label that? I am not sure it helps. There might be reasons for feelings, better to build bridges than label people.

My own experience of living in a multi cultural area is of having boyfriends who were black, Asian and Jewish (and the Jewish man could not tell his grandmother he was going out with a 'Shiksa' because I am not Jewish!)

So I really abhor bigotry but women making choices not to be around men, for whatever reason is not IMHO bigotry (you are welcome to disagree with me). Wink

With regard to bigotry, in such situations I would hope school/community would work to change views of the next generation. I am very much against prejudice.

Re "Because that's basically what you're saying - bigotry is ok as long as it stays in the personal sphere." NO I am not saying that I am saying women do not have to be in places where men are if they do not want to be, it is not bigoted not to want to be around men.

Re "Maybe I am overreacting but I was raised in a single parent family for a while. And yeah, it's not nice to be told that many MN posters would prefer kids like me didn't socialise with their DCs because they made the bad call to lose their mothers."

I am not really sure how this relates to what you are saying? Not trying to be difficult but just not sure how this relates.

My daughter's best friend's mum is a single parent, her mum is wonderful. I really do not think I would worry about who the parents are if I knew them and when I knew what the plans were.

Atenco · 09/07/2016 00:24

Mmm, I love men and am totally convinced that 99% of them are neither rapists nor paedophiles, but I have heard of paedophiles who have been well respected members of their communities and, in that mum's position, I might have erred on the side of caution.

queenoftheboys · 09/07/2016 00:29

Sir Chenjin can I join you in the "normal" corner, where, assuming I've met and like the supervising parent, their sex is a complete non-issue?

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 09/07/2016 00:40

I share your position atenco

kmc1111 · 09/07/2016 02:06

Abusers manage to abuse their victims while other adults are around, and it's far from unheard of for women to look the other way when it comes to their partners abuse. I work with child abuse victims. Most were abused by family members in their own home while their mum and/or other adults were also home, often just feet away. Usually their mum never had the slightest clue til years later, or she did and did nothing.

That is to say, if that's the concern here, it should be just as much of a concern if both parents are home. Mum being at home means nothing unless you think she suspects her husband, would be hyper-vigilant and would actually stop something happening (which is unlikely if she suspects and hasn't left him).

VenusRising · 09/07/2016 02:17

Well no offence to your DH but I wouldn't do it either.

We've had a few bad experiences with play dates where the other kids' mum rushing out to do something else and an unknown uncle / cousin / DH and his mate looking after the kids watching footy while all hell breaks loose

It's very young to have sleepovers isn't it?

Maybe this mum's had her share of crappy men and doesn't want to take a risk.

It is rude to call her a loon, as we have no idea what her drivers are, or what informed her opinion.

Don't take it to heart OP. Arrange something else.

fruitlovingmonkey · 09/07/2016 07:55

Everyone is assuming that the decision is based on the sex of the parent at home but perhaps it is more personal. It's possible that the dd or her parents really like you OP but dislike your DH.

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