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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I broken playdate etiquette?

196 replies

m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 17:35

Dd is nearly 9. I work so poor dd rarely has friends over. I finally got my act in gear and invited dd's close friend. We know the parents well enough to chat but that's about it. Anyway, I suggested dd's friend could sleep over. All fine. Then a meal that had been cancelled was rescheduled so there was a clash. I mentioned to dh and he said it wasn't an issue and it's only 3 hours I'll be out anyway. Dh does more school runs than me and is very hands on and capable with our 3dc. I mentioned it to dd's df's mum and she's now cancelled. Dh is really upset and worried how other parents view him. Her reason was that she feels her dd "needs a 'mummy' around".
I'm struggling to understand without being offended on dh's behalf. Dh is far more patient and fun than I'll ever be. He's hosted playdates and sleep overs before for other dc (usually when I'm out with their mums).

OP posts:
Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/07/2016 18:04

Needs a mummy around?! How nauseatingly twee!

They are 9 FFS!

She's a total knob OP, tell your DH not to take it personally.

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 18:06

Thinking about it, lots of people laughed and said dh couldn't potty train dtds - well he did it in 3 days with both dc so overall he's pretty awesome.

OP posts:
marblestatue · 08/07/2016 18:14

I think it's probably nothing personal. She could have anxiety, or have had bad experiences, or some other reason. I think it's unfair for people to be labelling her a "loon".

paxillin · 08/07/2016 18:21

You haven't broken any rules. We do a lot of mutual childcare playdates, often mum hands over to my dh, next morning dad might pick them up and I will be there to greet him. Either she trusts your family or she doesn't.

Hoppinggreen · 08/07/2016 18:22

Well yes, bit odd then if the mum knows your DH as well but who knows what's go eon before to make her feel uncomfortable with this?

Fairuza · 08/07/2016 18:23

Maybe for some reason she feels uncomfortable about your DH. I wouldn't let my children sleepover somewhere I didn't feel 100% confident about.
The 'needs a mummy' thing just sounds like a gentler way to express that she isn't comfortable.

FetchezLaVache · 08/07/2016 18:27

Sadly I don't believe we can have equality when men face this attitude.

I quite agree.

My DM died when I was little, and various friends/distant cousins declined sleepovers on the grounds that there wouldn't be a mummy around to look after them. How the fuck did these people think I survived?? I always felt very sad for my dad when they said things like that. He was a great mummy! Wink

Brightnorthernlights · 08/07/2016 18:27

How odd. You haven't broken any etiquette rules that I know of!

Dd2 had a play date after school today, last minute change, I told her that it was friends dad picking her up, fab she said, it's SO exciting when it's a dad!

Choceeclair123 · 08/07/2016 18:39

I don't think she's a loon. You have no idea what experiences people have had in their lives so it's unfair to be slagging them off and calling the woman a twat?!!! I'm sure she has her own personal reasons and I bet it has nothing to do with either you or your husband personally. She may even be a bit pd off that you invited her DD and then decided to clear off out. Who knows. Don't take it personally.

eddielizzard · 08/07/2016 18:40

no etiquette rules broken. i've sent my dd for playdates with friend's dad. really don't see the problem. she's being a sexist arse.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/07/2016 18:47

choc, she didn't "invite her then clear off out", her husband is home!

Crikey, who knew only mums can be at home with the kids! Shit, better not let any of DD1s friends come over when I go out again 😮

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 18:47

I don't think she's a loon but I'm sad she feels this way. We have 3 dds including twins - every night is like a sleep over in this house Grin

OP posts:
peachpudding · 08/07/2016 19:03

She might not be a loon, anyone who watches the news would be scared stiff about what people do to children. I always get to know the parents before any sleep over etc is agreed and you say they barely knew you.

Why not try and get to know them better introduce your partner. It probably won't be an issue when they know you both.

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 19:08

Where have I said they barely know us? Known them for 4 years. We don't socialise with them outside of kids stuff but have had picnics in the park.

OP posts:
jellycat1 · 08/07/2016 19:10

No that's ridiculous. Unless there's something going on with her dd like she's just started her period or something....I don't know - something she'd really only rather chat to 'a mummy' about. Also feel for your DH.

Elbekind · 08/07/2016 19:11

Completely understand why your DH is upset, however I think there may be a reason the Mum said that.
I wonder if the daughter has had a bad experience with men, is uncomfortable with them or maybe has been abused in the past? It may be that she was worried her daughter would not feel safe without a woman there xx

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/07/2016 19:12

I can't believe some of the responses on here!

I have a 9 year old DD, I trust her to know what's ok behaviour and what isn't, and to tell me if a friends parent/sibling was in any way inappropriate towards her.
I don't need to "get to know" the parents!

Perhaps it is because I work with violent individuals that I don't see danger everywhere, I have a more realistic view of the actual dangers that "strangers" pose.

peachpudding · 08/07/2016 19:14

I apologize for saying they barely knew you, I must have been mistaken.

Obliviated · 08/07/2016 19:17

I would have cancelled too. Tbh I wouldn't allow a child of mine to sleep over at a house where I didn't know the parents very well anyway.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/07/2016 19:21

How sad Obliviated, I hope your disgraceful sexism doesn't rub off on your kids. God forbid a man be responsible for children eh, that's women's work isn't it!

Fairuza · 08/07/2016 19:21

Men are more likely to abuse girls than women. It isn't sexist to be more cautious about men having access to your children.

If the other mum was posting saying she/her daughter felt uncomfortable about staying with a dad everyone would be saying trust your instinct and put your daughter's safety/comfort above politeness.

It's sad that good men feel they are treated badly, but that's the fault of other men not mothers and children.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 08/07/2016 19:29

I feel sorry for your DH and it's not fair. But as you say, this woman doesn't know either of you at all well and if there was to be a predator, it would be more likely to be your DH. She's just being cautious, as I would be.

user1467101855 · 08/07/2016 19:30

I would never do that, and I would be bothered if someone did it to me.

BUT, keep room for the thought that she may have had experiences in her past that make her more wary than you might be about her DD and men she doesn't know. 1 in 4, remember. Try not to take it personally.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 08/07/2016 19:30

I trust her to know what's ok behaviour and what isn't, and to tell me if a friends parent/sibling was in any way inappropriate towards her.

That's assuming there's an opportunity for her to do so before anything happens. Most parents would want to prevent that from occurring.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 08/07/2016 19:32

And honestly, I don't give a toss about equality or the feelings of other adults when I'm weighing up my DD's safety. I go by the statistics, my own instincts and what professional advice I can come by.

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