Have I broken playdate etiquette?

[m0therofdragons]

Dd is nearly 9. I work so poor dd rarely has friends over. I finally got my act in gear and invited dd's close friend. We know the parents well enough to chat but that's about it. Anyway, I suggested dd's friend could sleep over. All fine. Then a meal that had been cancelled was rescheduled so there was a clash. I mentioned to dh and he said it wasn't an issue and it's only 3 hours I'll be out anyway. Dh does more school runs than me and is very hands on and capable with our 3dc. I mentioned it to dd's df's mum and she's now cancelled. Dh is really upset and worried how other parents view him. Her reason was that she feels her dd "needs a 'mummy' around".
I'm struggling to understand without being offended on dh's behalf. Dh is far more patient and fun than I'll ever be. He's hosted playdates and sleep overs before for other dc (usually when I'm out with their mums).

And it irritates me that someone would call me (or anyone else in my situation) 'damaged' because I was unfortunate enough to be a victim of an abuser. Sorry if I have sidetracked you thread OP. Best wishes.

I have been that victim - but I refuse to spend the rest of my life being so terrified of male parents to the extent that I wouldn't let one of my children play for 3 hours at a friend's house.

Sorry but if it were my DD id do the same. However that is because my DDs Dad hasn't been on the scene since DD was 18 months old and doesn't really have any male figures in her life, therefore she is unfortunately very uncomfortable around men.

Could something similar be true of your DDs friend?

SirChenjin neither do I. My DC regularly play at friends houses. I just know it takes me a little longer to trust. Really sorry about that!

gonetoseeamanaboutadog, that could be because quite a high number of woman have been abused in some way by a man. You only have to sit with a group of women and hear about the way they lost their virginity or had their first sexual experience to understand how rife it is...and most of them thought it had only happened to them as they were so ashamed.

No need to be sorry best

Sorry to say I think you did break playdate etiquette, you made an arrangement and then you changed it to suit your own social diary. You agreed to be the responsible adult - and now you tell her you are reneging on that and are going out (possible drinking?). Is there any background to this? You mentioned "I finally got my act together" ... are there times when this Mum has noticed you haven't got your act together? Perhaps you have done this before? Maybe you regularly take on responsibilities and then your partner has to cover for things you have committed to, not him? Maybe when you offered the sleepover you also mentioned "I work so poor dd rarely has friends over" I can't do this often ... and played on the heartstring to this Mum and put pressure on her to arrange a sleepover. Sorry you made an agreement and you changed it and now you are deflecting it on to your partner and this Mum.

Another possibility is that the mum thought you were trying to get out of the sleepover by changing the arrangements or thought it was imposing on your DH to get him to watch the girls after you had arranged it.
If I make an arrangement with person A and they then told me they couldn't make part of it but person B was going to cover, I would probably think let's just cancel until person A can make it.

I feel hugely sorry for all the single parent dads out there, with daughters who will never be allowed friends over because there isn't a mummy around.

DH is a sahp and he sorts all the play dates, sleepovers, emergency childcare for friends when theirs falls through - not one parent has expressed concern that the male parent is looking after their child while the female parent is working. Sometimes including overnights.

We have sons which I suspect makes it different. It shouldn't.

Why? The dad is the parent of the DD too. The friend is not there to see the OP, she's there to see her friend.

Because the Dad didn't commit his night to looking after two children. The mum did.

In our house we both 'commit' to looking after any child which happens to be there, irespective of who isued the invitation - we don't ignore them, refuse to interact with them or in any other way not 'commit' - but then we're normal.

My mum died when I was little. Thank God the parents of my friends weren't as horrible and narrow minded and supported my family and let me have friends over etc.

Plus, what about male same sex couples? Do their kids just not get friends over either? I think it's flat out bigoted, and really unfair.

m0therofdragons ps I stand by what I said but I may be a bit angry at men cos I've just watched The other Boleyn girl!

bestimeever oh very sorry I thought you were blaming her, I misread that. My apologies. Oh my, how awful for you. I am so sorry. I am very sorry if my comments upset you. I am totally on the side of the other mum, not because I think the OP's husband or any dad 'will' abuse a child but that any parent can be cautious about this kind of thing. I am very sorry if my comments upset you.

Oh this thread is getting really daft now. I'm off. Hope it all works out OP.

L

Italiangreyhound, Just replied privately. Please don't worry. You sound lovely. Hope you got my message. Thanks for your kind message.

It wouldn't even have occured to me in your position to tell the friend's mum that I would be out for part of the evening.

SirChenjin I have no idea what you are on about. If I tell DS he can have a friend over, it doesn't follow that DH would also be at home. He might not even be in the country. Of course if he's there he interacts with the children. But I wouldn't expect him to stay in because I have arranged a play date. So yes, it's a different level of commitment - if he is taking over responsibility for the children whilst I go out.
Maybe it is purely different etiquette because if DH arranged a play date and then double-booked himself, I'd call the parents to let them know about the change of plan.

Don't be sorry for my experience - you don't know me. You're absolutely right, it is my choice to make and I make it. I have not judged anyone in that post - do not put words in my mouth.

But in this case Couch the OP's husband was there and was presumably happy to commit to looking after his DD and her friend as the parent who was in for those 3 hours. The OP seems to be married to a perfectly normal man who took it all in his stride. What don't you understand?

Sorry SirChenjin I was not meaning to imply you had judged anyone but people on this thread have judged the other parent.

I am sorry for anyone who has bad experiences, whether I know them or not but I am happy to retract that comment too if you are not comfortable with it. I meant it in a kindly and not unpleasant way.

Yes please do - I thought my post was very clear in that I don't allow it to define my response to the general male population.

"As a child, I felt uncomfortable around men a lot, even family members if I was on my own with them."

Me too, but that was because it was always women who looked after children. If I was visiting a friend it would be the mother looking after us and the father would arrive home later and I wouldn't know what to say to him. We should be trying to fight these gender roles rather than entrenching them.

I think you changed the rules and put this woman in a very awkward position. Now inviting others to abuse her online. Not nice.