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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I broken playdate etiquette?

196 replies

m0therofdragons · 08/07/2016 17:35

Dd is nearly 9. I work so poor dd rarely has friends over. I finally got my act in gear and invited dd's close friend. We know the parents well enough to chat but that's about it. Anyway, I suggested dd's friend could sleep over. All fine. Then a meal that had been cancelled was rescheduled so there was a clash. I mentioned to dh and he said it wasn't an issue and it's only 3 hours I'll be out anyway. Dh does more school runs than me and is very hands on and capable with our 3dc. I mentioned it to dd's df's mum and she's now cancelled. Dh is really upset and worried how other parents view him. Her reason was that she feels her dd "needs a 'mummy' around".
I'm struggling to understand without being offended on dh's behalf. Dh is far more patient and fun than I'll ever be. He's hosted playdates and sleep overs before for other dc (usually when I'm out with their mums).

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 11/07/2016 19:28

And yet that's obviously not the case here because she left her daughter with the OP'S DH while the OP was out

PerspicaciaTick · 11/07/2016 19:45

Two nine year old playing in the company of a dad for 3 hours. How late is the OP going to be back? If she is just out for a meal as she says, then probably 11pm at the latest. The girls won't be close to settling down to sleep by then. The mother does sound very odd - but better to find now than if the sleepover turns nasty.

Wrcgirl · 11/07/2016 19:49

Really don't take it personally. You have no idea wat background there may be for her / her daughter.

SirChenjin · 11/07/2016 19:50

OP explained the timeline way back. She had the girls from 3pm, left the girls with her DH at 6.55, friend was picked up at 8 by other mum, OP got home at 10. Other mum was aware of the timeline but still cancelled the sleepover even though the OP was going to be home for it - and left the daughter with the OP'S DH for that hour.

Oly5 · 11/07/2016 19:57

I agree the other mum is a loon. How insulting to your DH!!!
But I would forget about it and invite her another time when you are around. No need for your poor DD to miss out

Seaitsayit · 11/07/2016 19:58

Sirchen you are being naive. Regardless of.timeline...it's like buying something but not getting what you purchased. The other mother signed up to have her DD in care of two adults. One male, one female. OP changed the terms so the other mother has right to review her decision. She is doing it to protect her daughter. OP should also protect her husband and not leave him with two girls which could potentially open him up to world of trouble.

Whooptydoo1 · 11/07/2016 20:02

I don't think you're being unreasonable feeling slighted, however myself and my brother suffered abuse as children (by different men within our family). Unfortunately this has made me an over protective mother to my own children, and very paranoid. I wouldn't be comfortable with any male (family/friend or otherwise) aside from my husband having unsupervised access to my kids, in fact I trust very few people with them at all. This is a reflection of me, and not remotely about other people, it's my problem. I'm sure your DH is a lovely, trustworthy man and more than capable of caring for the children, however I think it's unfair of pp to dismiss her as a "loon", whatever her reasons, I wouldn't take it personally

mygorgeousmilo · 11/07/2016 20:05

I have come across people that are astonished that my husband is hands on and involved with our kids. This is usually coming from someone who does absolutely everything for their kids and struggles to get their partner to engage. Perhaps her own partner/husband isn't great and she assumes yours may not be able to cope. Has she gotten to know him as much as she has you?

SirChenjin · 11/07/2016 20:07

What a load of baloney Sea - a world of trouble??! Hmm

So if she had 'signed up' to her 9 year old DD being 'looked after' by 2 parents (she's 9 fgs, they don't need looked after) why leave her alone with him?

Sashton · 11/07/2016 20:07

It is a shame, but I wouldn't take it personally. There may be some very good reasons that you are just not privy to, which make the daughter feel more comfortable around women than men. You just don't know. Just trust that she is doing the best for her daughter and probably feels just as awkward cancelling as you do. I'm sure you'll sort another date and all will be fine.Smile

twittwooery · 11/07/2016 20:15

See it's things like this and people in this thread, saying they are more cautious with men than women with children, that make some and increasingly more men feel uneasy with children on their own due to people's perceptions. But when I've seen posters say that their DH or DP doesn't wanna be alone with children especially on sleepovers or generally play dates or whatever he's bombarded with being lazy.

It seems like some posters believe men are going to abuse children and let this opinion be known, but then blame men for being wary that this perception exists.

Alasalas2 · 11/07/2016 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 11/07/2016 20:20

The male did look after her!!!!

EenyMeenyMo · 11/07/2016 20:27

i suspect its just that the arrangements had changed and maybe she thought it would be more difficult without you around. It sounds like this was the first sleep over arranged and she may have thought that as you had waited until you were around to organise a sleep over, that you were key to it. Not necessarily sexist or anything - or maybe she was less comfortable with DH doing all bedtime/bathtime etc.
My DP does most of the school pickups etc (and after school care) - but the mums still act differently with him than me -some are a lot chattier to me than to him although they see me rarely...

Woolyheads · 11/07/2016 21:24

It's her choice. She has to do whatever she is comfortable with.

Alasalas2 · 11/07/2016 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theelectricmichaelangelo · 11/07/2016 22:56

Blimey - when did life get so very complicated?

user1467101855 · 11/07/2016 22:58

See it's things like this and people in this thread, saying they are more cautious with men than women with children, that make some and increasingly more men feel uneasy with children on their own due to people's perceptions

I'm not responsible for mens feelings or their unease. I am responsible for keeping my children safe, and men are far far more likely to abuse than women are. That is a fact, and if it makes men feel uncomfortable, they should direct their feelings on it to the men that abuse, and not the women who are trying to keep their kids safe.

AgentPineapple · 11/07/2016 23:04

There's no good reason for cancelling, I don't think I would have thought to mention it to her at all to be honest as its not important. You can't really do anything about stuff like that even if her reasons (whatever they are) are stupid or ridiculous. Just brush it off, invite over again and don't mention who is or isn't going to be home

twittwooery · 12/07/2016 00:33

user I'm not necessarily arguing that but if you hold them beliefs then you can't argue against men saying they aren't going to do something and question them on it when it involves looking after children on their own.

and I don't think men have a little meeting every coupe of weeks and discuss whether they are going to abuse any children. So I don't see how men can stop other men doing it?

dazedandconfused73 · 12/07/2016 00:50

I don't agree with the mother's decision to pull out of the arrangement, but I'm sorry to say I think it's a pretty common pov. My dh won't let our daughter stay over at her best friend's house when she's staying with her dad. I am mortified as he's offered so many times and I can't tell him the truth, so I have to make up excuses. I completely trust him, he's very good with both girls and dd is comfortable with him, but dh won't budge because he's a single man.

merrymouse · 12/07/2016 17:38

The mum may be being a loon, but some 9 year olds are quite anxious about sleep overs, particularly in a house they haven't visited before.

Whatever the reason, you know that neither the DD or the mother know your DH well enough to judge him, so their decision is about them, not you.

user1467101855 · 12/07/2016 17:47

and I don't think men have a little meeting every coupe of weeks and discuss whether they are going to abuse any children. So I don't see how men can stop other men doing it?

I didn't say they could do anything about it, I said that if they are upset at the perception they should be upset with the men causing it, and not the women who are only using the odds to try and protect their children.

ridingsixwhitehorses · 12/07/2016 18:31

My dd's friend has a nice mum and a dad who gives me the creeps for no discernible reason. He is rarely there but I wouldn't let her play there without me or the mum tbh. Wouldn't mind with any of the other friends whose dads I know

Woooster94 · 12/07/2016 18:41

I wouldn't take it personally. The child may have said she would only stay if the mum was there, or for all the OP knows, the parent may have been sexually abused as a child by her friend's dad. I don't think it's any reflection. Parents have to be super-comfortable to agree to sleepovers and it should be fine with all concerned.

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