DC, bed time cuddlies, age and removing them....?

[Nocuddlies]

NC obviously.

My DC are barely 9 and 6. The last three years my ex and I have been divorcing. Things have pretty terrible, he's passive aggressive and I've been in counselling two years coming to terms with his behaviour, including the affair he had. Not the point of this thread.

So bedtime cuddlies. My two DC both still very much have to have their favourite cuddlies for bed every night.

Ex has not allowed them to have their cuddlies at his house last weekend. He says they are fine about it. He walked DC to the wheelie bin outside my house and made them throw their cuddlies in. DS ran away from him clutching cuddly but now doesn't want to ever visit again. DD is far more compliant to him and threw them away. I'm not going to say any more about her reaction as I'd like to gage MN response.

If your DC still have cuddlies, how old are they?

DS2 is 8 and has dozens of cuddly toys but Heff and Blankie go to bed with him every night. DS1 is 10, has two cuddlies (Fluff and Stripes - a puppy and a tiger) and would be distraught if I told him he was too old for them.

I'm 42 and I have Monty Bear who mostly lives on DS2's spare bed with the other toys, but gets snuggled every time I'm in there. I'd be very sad if my DH thought I was too old for my Bear (& if anyone tried to make me throw him away I would throw them in the bin first).

Your exH is an emotionally abusing, sadistic cockwomble. He's well on the way to screwing up your kids so he can exert some control over you - utter utter bastardage.

Your ex is a massive dick!!!!! They may well grow out of them. They may well be dependant on then atm. But they will grow out at them at their own time and space. Even if they do grow out of them they really shouldn't be forced to throw them away. Ok if there's to many or what not give them to a charity shop or something. But don't dorse a child to put them in the bin that's cruel.

And favorite tests become family treasures Just this Christmas I said to my mum has my littlest brother still got "Cheerios" a toy dog I brought him when he was literally days old, that literally went absolutely every where with him until he was about 15, (ok he got left on the breakfast table for school) but he is a tiny hand sized cuddly. And my mum was very proud and went "yes he has not sure any of its the orginal cheerio any more I've fixed him so many times but he's on Your brothers bed side table" my brother is 25! We both remembered when my brother started playing cricket him coming downstairs juggling cheerio from hand to hand, specially cuddly.
And in my mums living room is an old 1920's two pram I brought her from a giraffe shop, with her first doll (now over 60 years old) my first doll (over 30 years old) my sisters first doll (21 years old) and my other siblings special teddys except Obviously cheerio and my elder brothers favorite toy and that's cos his kids have that.

Dh and I still very much together, 5yo ds doesn't have any stress to deal with such as the transition between different houses etc. He'd be traumatised if we made him throw his away. It's beyond cruel. He can keep them as long as he wants. Your ex is a massive bellend.

And oh I have a teddy bear everyone that ever took part in dancing and ice up until 2010 signed.

Including and most specially Stephen Gately sitting on my book shelf. My support worker and mum know when I've been upset or destressed it's not on my shelf because I've been cuddling it and touching Stephens signature. All the other signatures on there are pretty much replaceable except of course his. Doesn't stop me cuddling it though. And I'm well over 30.

Between DP and I we have 9 small cuddlies in the bed, though one of mine is one of those microwave lavender filled beanie things.
I also have a pile of other ones in the bedroom and a huge bag of them in my parents loft which will be coming out and onto the bed when I move down for a few months

I even bought my 60 year old father a Kermit (replacement for one that was stolen 30 odd years ago) and that stays in the bed with him. Much to mum's disgust when she gets hit in the face with it!

Your X is abusive. I would keep a record and consider getting sole custody if you can.

My children are 8, 6 and 2 and I will never make them get rid of their comfort items. They each have a couple of special teddies/blankets that bring them comfort and they love them. If they decide they no longer need them at some point then so be it but I will still keep them for sentimental reasons.

EXH sounds like a total and utter twunt to both you and your DC.
For reference, my DCs are 24, 24 and 13, DS1 is married and DS2 is in a long term relationship, all have at least two cuddly toys and DS3 actually has a sort of pecking order of toys. I am nearly 60, as is DH. Both of us still have our original teddies and I have my teddy beside my bed every night. DIL still has a bunny she had when she was born, DS2's GF rescued her beloved teddy from a house fire when she was 20. What I hope this is getting across is that you're never too old for a teddy.

At 12, my husband gave his cuddly elephant and constant childhood companion to a charity shop. He's regretted it ever since!

He's also the sort of dad who will turn the car around and drive back to collect our children's comforters, has retraced his steps on miles long walks to find a dropped one, and was insistent we bought a stash of each comforter once it was clear our children were attached. He couldn't face the idea of them being without their comforters.

Your ex sounds so mean and I agree that he's doing this to get to you.

You sound so strong and level headed. Well done. Your children will be all the better for it.

OP here in case name change fails.

It's been niggling away at me. I finally did reply to his email thus.

Hi
I'm afraid we do have a problem.

This decision can not be taken by you nor me.
At your insistence, there has been upheaval lately such as cancelling extra curricular activities, counselling and xx Plus it is nearing the end of term and they are tired, there have been tests and upheaval at school. The children are unsettled.

Cuddlies are possessions belonging entirely to the children. It is wholly their choice when to give up their cuddlies.
They have both said they were bullied into giving up their cuddlies against their will, DS showed his opinion loud and clear to you, DD hid hers from you.

DS has made his choice not to visit you and not to stay over unless he can have his cuddly.
DD said she would come but only if DS does. DS choice is clear and has building for a long time now. I won't drag him out from behind a sofa or hand him over crying. He needs to choose to come to you.

This is their choice.

You have the choice to allow them to have their cuddlies at bedtime which is entirely acceptable at any age of childhood or they have choosen not to visit.

I would prefer if you could let me know your choice promptly so I can organise their dinner and schedules next weekend.

Thanks

It won't actually do any good regarding him but it has thoroughly reassured my DC that I have set out the ground rules. They both visibly sighed with relief when I explained what I had messages to Daddy. but for me, a win nevertheless.

Can I suggest you're really careful with actually sending the cuddlies? He sounds the kind of man who would set fire to them to make a point.

Would they manage with substitutes for his house, even if he agrees to allow them to bring them?

I got them both a worry monster from
Amazon over the weekend. DD tucked up in bed with hers. DS informs me he doesn't need his tonight

So we have a back up plan. Their cuddlies are actually blanket type ones we have lots of so if he does destroy them, I have replacements immediately.

It just shouldn't come to this ! Wank badger !

Given that you are going through divorce and the kids have had to adjust they may need cuddlies for a bit longer and that is absolutely fine. Tbh they are normal at their ages anyway, he should let them enjoy their childhood

Your ex is a massive pile of steaming shit.

May his crotch be infested with the fleas of a thousand camels.

my dd lost her cuddly for 6 months aged 8 and I swear she cried every bedtime. Luckily we found it again. She is now 10 and the ratty thing is still going strong. I know older children than her who still have their special toy. It's just something they'll grow out of one day.
I don't know what your Ex is trying to achieve. Apart from upsetting his own kids.

My ds had a pram sheet as his comfort object, and used it until it literally fell apart. We did start calling it his 'stinky rag' for a while before it's eventual demise, but he was about 13 at the time! (also it really was a bit stinky as ds started to refuse to have it washed in case it didn't make it) I've just sent him off to a five week summer camp with two stuffies just in case he needs them. He is 17, we all get wobbles from time to time and need a bit of comfort.

When dd lost her favourite doll when we were on holiday once dh spent the next two days trying to find it, and made up complicated stories about the doll going off on an adventure in order to make dd feel a bit better.

The OP's exh seems to have a really sadistic side, making his children into part of a power play over his ex. Just nasty, certainly showing no love or concern for him. Children living in two homes have even more of a need for comforters, and should be allowed to have them for however long they need them.

He sounds like a complete arsehole. I would be worried about what he might do next.

Contact isn't court ordered, why are they going?

Hell would freeze over before I let him have unsupervised contact with them. He's a stupid sick bastard.

I can't believe what I've just read!

He made your two small children throw their favorite cuddly toy in the bin? What kind of sick bastard does that?! That is an unbelievably cruel thing to do to a child. A favorite cuddly toy is a safety blanket to most children - it's the thing they want to take to bed when it gets dark, the thing they'll look for when upset or distressed or tired, the one play thing they'll always have the most memories of and whisper their secrets to. You never forget your cuddly bed buddy. I'm 29 and I've still got mine. I love that bloody thing - love pecking order in this house goes DD, cat+dog, my cuddly, everything else. I've had him forever and I wouldn't ever part with him. Ridiculous as it may sound, he's my oldest, most treasured possession. All of my childhood memories are with him.

Your ex is a shit. Of epic proportions.

For the record OP, DD is 9 and refuses to go to bed without hers. Like me with mine, she'll never be parted from it. She's had it her whole life. I don't let her leave the house with it for fear of her ever losing it (we've only got the one), which would upset her in ways I can't even bear to think about. He stays safely on her bed and he's the first thing she runs to get whenever we get home.

I am so incredibly sorry that he made your little people do that. What a horrible, horrible human being.

I went into my boys' bedroom the other night to find my long, lanky, attitudey 11-going-on-15-year-old snuggled up with his beloved cuddly ducky and cat.

Your poor dc. Your ex sounds horrendous. Well done for standing up for your dc. This sort of calm backing up is what they need from you.

For the y5 school residential trip, cuddly toy was on the packing list and Ds said most children ( including him) brought one.

I would confiscate a cuddly toy that siblings were arguing over but they would be given back later.

I nearly cried reading this. How cruel of him.
I still have my childhood comfort blanket which I sleep with. It's staying I don't care what anyone thinks. My parents used to tell me when I was little: "you won't be able to have it when you're married". Well I am married and I still have it. I'm 42.

This thread has been one of the most upsetting I have read on mumsnet and I have been here years.

Op I would be seriously concerned about leaving my kids with a man so capable of cruelty and wouldn't do so unless ordered by a court.

My DH is 39 and has cuddlies!! 5 of them!

Ted, Tiny Ted, Duck, Woof and Love

They all sit on the bed. and Ted comes in to bed at night. and tiny ted goes away with him! (even to "Man Camp" weekends)

You're never too old for Cuddlies!

This thread sends chills down my spine.

OP, please do everything you can to stop this abusive man have unsupervised contact with your children.

He is emotionally abusing them, something that will undoubtably have long term repercussions even if the damage is not so obvious now.

This thread brought a tear to my eye. What a vile cruel excuse of a man if the dc don't need to go legally I wouldn't make them. If he can be this blatantly bullying in public what could he do/say behind closed doors. Frankly you need to protect them from him. Document everything.