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AIBU?

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Original poster

DC, bed time cuddlies, age and removing them....?

202 replies

Nocuddlies · 08/07/2016 17:08

NC obviously.

My DC are barely 9 and 6. The last three years my ex and I have been divorcing. Things have pretty terrible, he's passive aggressive and I've been in counselling two years coming to terms with his behaviour, including the affair he had. Not the point of this thread.

So bedtime cuddlies. My two DC both still very much have to have their favourite cuddlies for bed every night.

Ex has not allowed them to have their cuddlies at his house last weekend. He says they are fine about it. He walked DC to the wheelie bin outside my house and made them throw their cuddlies in. DS ran away from him clutching cuddly but now doesn't want to ever visit again. DD is far more compliant to him and threw them away. I'm not going to say any more about her reaction as I'd like to gage MN response.

If your DC still have cuddlies, how old are they?

OP posts:
MissWimpyDimple · 08/07/2016 17:52

That's just cruel. Mine is the same age (9.5) and would literally be devastated if someone did that. It's making me cry a little bit for your poor children.

Horrible horrible man. Do they have to see him?

Original poster
Nocuddlies · 08/07/2016 17:53

I can clearly see that this is aimed at me. But I don't know how to fix it.

I will definitely have the bully convo with DD. I'm always so cautious not to name call about him. It causes her anxiety.
She's been in counselling. He's banned that too and sadly put me in a financial position I can't pay for it anymore.

And thankfully he's dumb as well as cruel.
Contact is not court ordered.

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 08/07/2016 17:53

At 50 I still have my teddy. I occasionally giver a hug, remember the Nana that made her and the other, who she is named after. I have my mum's teddy too, he lives on a shelf, looking over my sewing machine.

Your ex is a total twat!

Don't let him win this one. He chose your bin knowing you would rescue the cuddlies, so he doesn't even have the courage of his own supposed convictions. Get the DCs to leave them safe with you when they visit him. They will remember this and will judge him to be lacking. When he reaps what he is sowing he might regret being a total twat, but that isn't likely. All you can do is be the 'constant parent'.

Good luck ignoring said total twat!

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 08/07/2016 17:57

What a dick. My kids are a bit older than yours and they still have their bears.

43percentburnt · 08/07/2016 17:58

Why does he not want them to have the teddies? Are you logging what he says and does in a diary and the children's reactions and comments?

I would say this is emotional abuse, I cannot see any reason why he would bin the Bears. It's very calculated and cruel. How did he react to them crying etc? Your dd reaction is very telling - going along with binning them then showing her true emotion when she felt safe and away from him.

BlunderWomansCat · 08/07/2016 18:00

Christ, your poor dd Sad
Take her to your GP, explain your ex is emotionally abusing her and try to get a referral to CAMHS for her. His behaviour needs to be officially recorded. He's emotionally fucking up your dd, what a complete cunt.

OnTheTurningAway · 08/07/2016 18:00

Isn't his behaviour emotional abuse? Is it coercive control (illegal)? I don't know where the line is drawn in a parent-child relationship. Confused

Not going to say much as won't be helpfu as finding this deeply upsetting, but I'm really concerned for your daughter.

I hate hate hate evil abusive men like your ex, they are the cause of so much unnoticed pain in the world. Disgusting vile man.

kesie123 · 08/07/2016 18:01

My mad ex used to steal my DC's cuddlies (and then of course they stopped taking them) so I gave them both tiny soft animals that they could keep in their pockets when they went there - it helped them a lot. As another poster said it's all about control - just so sad for the children to have to deal with that cruelty.

Germgirl · 08/07/2016 18:02

I'm 44 and still sleep with the bear I was given when I was born every night. He doesn't come on holiday with me but when my parents split up when I was 10, I used to take his to my dads every time I went there. Dad never told me it was childish or anything. Your ex is being completely bizarre.
It's an excellent idea to keep the cuddlies at your house and maybe get a different small thing that can go with them to the ex's house.
That's what my dsd does, she used to being her teddy to our house but now she's decided she'd rather leave her at home & she has a substitute teddy (actually a furry lizard!) at our house. He has pride of place on her bed.
I just can't get my head around a man who thinks children shouldn't have teddy bears. Weird man.

Witchend · 08/07/2016 18:03

I still have mine and would cry if you threw it away

43percentburnt · 08/07/2016 18:04

Just read your update. Speak to the teacher and ask how dd was this week at school, explain what happened. I would speak to school and gp about accessing counselling services - explain your ex has banned them from seeing a counsellor.

Is he likely to take you to court to see them? What will happen when the kids tell him the Bears were retrieved?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 08/07/2016 18:05

Dumb is good! You can work around dumb bullies, and minimise the damage... You sound like a very good mum by the way, doing everything you can to keep your children safe and protected from the damage their father creates. It's a horrible situation but all you can do is keep trying Flowers

I'm glad you found my thoughts useful, I've been digging around to see if I can think of any good portable/subtle objects that they could take to their fathers instead of their cuddlies... I think it's easier to find things for your dd than your ds, as girls can wear things like charm bracelets/ charms and have lots of cutesy cuddly things with them without a stupid adult noticing (!).

Anyway, here are my ideas...

BitOutOfPractice · 08/07/2016 18:05

Both me and my DD16 both gasped in horror at the utter senseless cruelty of your ex. You can tell him from me that I think he is cruel and a terrible parent and an utter cunt

43percentburnt · 08/07/2016 18:10

As misc said dd could wear a charm bracelet. What about a dinosaur for Ds - or an animal rucksack or bag to put his clothes in?

StrictlyMumDancing · 08/07/2016 18:11

DH and I are coming up to 40 and still have our cuddlies. Obviously not in bed with us but they live in our bedroom and neither are willing to be parted with them even for dc, they have their own

I think misc has given some great advice.

KayTee87 · 08/07/2016 18:14

I still have my childhood teddy at 28 and he slept in the bed with me until probably less than 10 years ago Grin. I don't really see the issue with it, they're not hurting anyone are they?

43percentburnt · 08/07/2016 18:16

I would be tempted to act as if the overnight stays are doing you a favour each weekend. Take up a voluntary job to get you into better employment, or be dressed ready to go out for the evening, (drop into conversation 'is it your weekend on the 15th as I'm going out to celebrate Susan's new job/birthday/house move)- you may find he wants to make your life miserable so stops taking the kids overnight.

catbally · 08/07/2016 18:19

That is absolutely horrible. I am 47 and in my spare bedroom is my huggles sitting on top of the bed. He followed me to London when I was 21 and all through the way to where I am now. He has a little tartan ribbon tied to him from my brother's funeral flowers. If anyone ever tried to throw him out I would go ballistic. DH just knows I have this scruffy looking bear. To do that to a child is beyond comprehension.

SovietKitsch · 08/07/2016 18:25

My 32 year old mate still has hers...

SabineUndine · 08/07/2016 18:27

I would say to your kids that their cuddlies are safest at home when they see your ex. I couldn't call him a dad. My mum gave one of my brothers toys away when he was about 10 and it wasn't till 20 years later he told her how upset he'd been. It's not sentimental or childish. I've got things I've owned a long time that are like pieces of me. With children they are cuddly toys because that's what kids have.

Still got my Bear too. I'm 54.

Original poster
Nocuddlies · 08/07/2016 18:27

I'd love to not send them. Of course I'd sacrifice anything for them.

I was so angry at his email but actually it's still the same old. He wants me to be angry. So I have to not be.

It's a horrid stand off whichever way you look at it.

OP posts:
peachpudding · 08/07/2016 18:32

First off, I am NOT having a go at OP, I am just trying to be practical. Been through similar myself.

Sounds like mother is trying to keep her 'bond' around DC even when they are visiting their dad, for understandable reasons. And it sounds like the dad is trying to break that bond because they are divorced.

I am NOT commenting on who is right. But the reality is that DC have to adjust to having two separated parents. Children are very adaptable and will learn to cope very very fast. They can have cuddlies at mothers but its different and ok not to have them at their dads.

What will make things a million times worse is trying to 'sneak' cuddlies in, in a bracelet form or something else. Keep the cuddlies at mothers and teach them its ok to have different arrangements at their dads, they will be ok.

Think of it as pulling a plaster off fast, some people put up with short term pain, some people try and ease it off over time and some people just leave it indefinitely.

JasperDamerel · 08/07/2016 18:33

There's a storyline in The Archers at the moment about domestic abuse, and one of the most chilling moments, which horrified everyone listening, was when the abuser made his stepson throw his toy rabbit in the bin. His behaviour is utterly unacceptable, and I think that the suggestion to talk to school is a good one.

I still have my old teddy. He lives in my underwear drawer now, but comes out in times of extreme need.

DramaAlpaca · 08/07/2016 18:33

Your poor DD. Glad she has them back.

DS3, who's 18, still has his cuddlies buried at the bottom of his bed somewhere hope he never sees this.

DS1's favourite bear lives in his underwear drawer - he's 22.

My 50-something year old panda lives in my wardrobe.

RandomMess · 08/07/2016 18:35

SadSadSad

You and your poor DC SadSadSad

The damage he is doing is just awful. I don't know if it's better to leave contact as it is and then go down the line of refusing it once the eldest is nearer 12 and her views considered more valid.

Bl**dy awful. TBH I think it would be okay for the DC to know that you disagree with their father over their cuddlies and you think they are important and you will keep them safe at home for them Angry