DC, bed time cuddlies, age and removing them....?

[Nocuddlies]

NC obviously.

My DC are barely 9 and 6. The last three years my ex and I have been divorcing. Things have pretty terrible, he's passive aggressive and I've been in counselling two years coming to terms with his behaviour, including the affair he had. Not the point of this thread.

So bedtime cuddlies. My two DC both still very much have to have their favourite cuddlies for bed every night.

Ex has not allowed them to have their cuddlies at his house last weekend. He says they are fine about it. He walked DC to the wheelie bin outside my house and made them throw their cuddlies in. DS ran away from him clutching cuddly but now doesn't want to ever visit again. DD is far more compliant to him and threw them away. I'm not going to say any more about her reaction as I'd like to gage MN response.

If your DC still have cuddlies, how old are they?

Worry monsters/ worry eaters are fab, and come in keyring form.

They're proper name is Sorgenfresser, and they have zips for mouths, and the idea is that if the child has a worry they can write it or draw it and zip it into the worry monsters mouth and they eat it up. But you could use it to store cuddles and kisses too...

Ds got a big one to help before and on the day of an operation. It worked really well. I then got him a keyring size one to go in his school bag... Sorry I mean Father Christmas did .

You could get 2 the same kind, one big and one little... And keep them together 'as a family' when they're home, then the little one can say bye to the big 'stay at home' one, and little worry eater gets to go on a big adventure with Ds /Dd, and brings all the snuggles from home. They can send messages from one to the other too, so your DC just have to think hard whilst touching one and both will be helping and sending cuddles... Meanwhile the all important cuddlies can be left with the big worry eater to guard, saving up all the love and snuggles just for DD/DS.

Maybe the keyring one saves up all the worries to take back for the big worry eater, cuddlies and mummy to deal with on their return?

We have biff and enno (in the pics)

sorgenfresser.com/en

Btw I don't think cuddlies are about a parental bond at all, they are a transitional comfort object which allows the child to manage without the bond of mum or dad.

To say that the OP is trying to sneak in her bond into the fathers time is missing the point that it's not about either parent, it's about the child.

Your ex is a dick, and a very cruel man, I know why you left him.

I'm 28 and only stopped sleeping with mine when I passed it on to DD(2) in the hope it would help her sleep through the night. It did and now she won't let me have it back (I regularly try!). What your ex did is very cruel, I would still be devastated to this day if anything happened to my precious childhood bear.

I still have mine from many years ago. I found out that it is quite rare and probably worth a fair bit but I'd never part with it.

OP thinking of other ideas, what about bringing one of a set with the dc, so it echoes the pattern of their own travels, one comes with them but there's still the rest at home just waiting for them (eg the rest of the toys, cuddlies, bed, books etc, just the rest of the DCs life and belongings).

I love this dinosaur zoo, though obviously not the thing to sling in a ruck sack! But shows the idea I think? One Dino goes with DC, rest stay in the bedroom at home waiting happily, or sit on the cuddly etc... You could do it with any toys that are in a set? Or little charms, even beads and marbles ...

And my last idea, if you're handy with a needle, you could sew a tiny, teeny bit of the cuddly itself into a handmade keyring/ pencil case/ zip pull? So it's literally with them but not in any way discoverable to avoid that 'sneaking in' feeling?

Agree with everyone else that there is no age limit on cuddly toys. Your ex is an absolute bastard.

peach I don't see how a child's teddy has anything to do with either parent? I don't and never have associated my ancient teddy with either parent.

I have never been so utterly enraged reading a post on here which has no impact on my life but really does make me feel despair and rage at some people.

I think your exh is a wankbadgering cunt of the highest order.

He gets 10/10 for managing to totally fuck up his own relationship with his kids all by himself in a pathetic attempt to get at you.

My youngest is nearly 11. She has a teddy which my exboyfriends dd bought her when she was 5. Teddy has most definitely seen better days, he's tatty, has hardly any stuffing and is absolutely adored. She no longer takes him on sleepovers or holidays for fear or losing him but I am entrusted with his care if she's not here. I would kill anyone who forced her to bin him.

Your ex is Bu but you will never win with someone like that.

I'd give dd's something smaller and tell them to hide it. You shouldn't have to but you'll never win with him so at least your dd's will have something to comfort them.

You say contact isn't court ordered tbh I'd think about mediation at that age they'd take your daughters feelings into consideration and would adjust contact accordingly.

He's a bastard. There isn't much you can do about that and sadly a court and CAFCASS would not see this as a reason to protect your children from contact with him, being exposed to an abusive twat being such an essential ingredient for a good childhood .

What you can do is ban him from coming into your house, and assure your children that their possessions are always safe in the house. I would not send them with pocket toys, it's risking him hurting them further by removing them too in demonstrating to you he is a big tough man who will hurt his children if he wants to. I would also explain to them that daddy does not want them to have soft toys in his house and that they need to leave them for you to look after. Do not try to white wash him or protect how they see him, in the end it will just be more hurtful for them. I would also clearly point out in the children's hearing that you found that totally unacceptable, that the children were upset and he will not be allowed to throw away their possessions at your house.

I would then point out dispassionately to the twat how his children will remember that scene and how it will affect how they feel about him, and that his opinion is that they do not need them or want them, and that everything is naturally your fault, and your opinion is that it was a cruel, vicious thing to do that the children were seriously distressed by and will never forget seeing him do. So you'll have to agree to differ.

Bastard.

I am saying that the dad might perceive it as 'mum keeping a remote arm around them'. I know that is dickish but all sorts of shit happens in divorce. And the kids have to learn to cope. Isn't is better that mum supports them adapting to the new regime, rather than prolonging the agony? What if she give them a bracelet and dad throws it in bin as well, isnt it better to avoid that?

my now 3 year old sleeps with one of daddies cuddly toys from when he was little.

Kaytee - I agree - the bear has nothing to do with either parent, normally kids choose their own favourite bear - it may be a gift from mum or dad but equally it could be from Grandma or Uncle or anyone. I dont associate my bear with my parents.

I bet this man tells his friends and colleagues what a wonderful father he is, I also bet he hasn't told a soul that he calmly placed his children's favourite bears in the dirty rubbish bin in front of them.

I am saying that the dad might perceive it as 'mum keeping a remote arm around them'.

I know what you mean Peach but honestly if he is so threatened by his children having any kind of emotional attachment to their mother even symbolically when they're in his care.... he's not in a fit emotional state to be co parenting.

I'm left wondering is he handing on abuse passed on to him from his family, who banned him from having cuddlies, comfort or support or being a child at six? Or is he so totally incapable of empathy that he is unable to see this from his children's point of view? Is it a theory of mind thing that his reality is everyone's reality and the children are just an extension of him whose feelings and desires and possessions don't need respecting?

Or was this an act of dickish powerplay demonstration to mummy, knowing that hurting the kids controls and distresses her?

Any way you look at it he does not come off well.

No age limit at all. My rufty tufty 21 year old still keeps his (it gets thrown on top of wardrobe if girlfriend stays over though). What's the harm?

Peach I do take on board your view. I have endless thoughts about the whole situation. But I always view it from DC not my own.

Misc - WORRY MONSTERS
Omg showed them to DD and she knew what they were, they have one in school. So she's chosen Pomme and DS has chosen Ed.

Amazing! Thank you. DD totally gets the idea of them, and wants to draw and write for her Monster.
DS less so. He's given me a look which frankly made me want to roar with laughter. The look said Bullshit. Some Bullshit monster doesn't make me want to go to Dads.

But he chose one anyway.

Thankfully he never steps over my threshold. But I will reiterate that their things are safe at home anyway.

As for mailing him back, I'm at a total loss what to say. Every angle I try I've come to realise is pointless. He's lost to himself.

peach I honestly think that his behaviour towards his children is abusive and they shouldn't have to get used to it but that's a whole other thread and something that op will sadly have to deal with

he calmly placed his children's favourite bears in the dirty rubbish bin in front of them.

Sorry, I think he tried to make the children do it themselves. There's sadism in that.

A slightly dysfunctional adult in my childhood once made me dispose of my pet snails by stamping on them, despite my tears and distress. I swear they got off on it. Sadism and power.

rumbling that's awful and very sick. I hope they're not around children alone at any time. They're not slightly dysfunctional , they're fully fucked up.

What a horrible thing to do. Does it matter if they have them? People at college bring their toys etc when leaving home. Nor for him to decide.

Yes to everything rumbling and the others have said. What a nasty piece of work.... Sorry if you've answered this, but I really hope you managed to rescue them
Miscellaneous..about to order a worry monster for DS... Brilliant!

I think he made her throw them in. But I haven't actually totally ascertained that as frankly the fact they were in there and she was so upset so that part of the story wasn't relevant.

So having asked her. She lifted the lid and put them in at his instruction.

Absolute bastard

I still cuddle up with mine in my thirties. If I'm trying to sort a problem out or give myself a talking to, I still turn to them (they're a pair) and it still helps me sort my head out. I don't care if that sounds daft; it's just a method that works for me. They rarely leave home now, and I can sleep well enough without. I just have a preference for them being there.

DS has become very attached to one of my favourite old toys, and it's lovely seeing her being loved all over again. It means one of his favourite things was bought by my dad who died over 20 years before his birth.

On Brownie trips, they all take cuddlies, usually a favoured special one. Brown Owl has hers too, so I'm not the only one still going in adulthood!

I hope your DCs are OK, and that they don't suffer from his behaviour. It is worth leaving an official trail for future reference.

I've still got my teddies from when I was a child, your ex sounds like a right pig, surely it's the childs choice if and when they want to get rid of them, not when he decides, he sounds like a complete control freak.