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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's OK for a guy to be in the ladies if he's with his daughter?

359 replies

laurenwiltxx · 06/07/2016 22:34

I'm reading alot about the issue with trans and toilets recently and got me thinking about times my brother has had to take his daughter to the toilet and was taking her to the Men's (when disabled toilets weren't there or out of order ect) and I protested he take her into the women's as it wasn't appropriate considering men have there things out at the urinals and things, and seats are more likely to be peed on ect. So he began doing so and got alot of looks from women. Ive been thinking about it alot more and do understand its a really hard one. What would you say daddies in the ladies with daughters or should take them in the men's?

OP posts:
frazzled74 · 06/07/2016 23:30

We just all go together to the toilet with the shortest queue! Grin

WorraLiberty · 06/07/2016 23:30

Anyway OP

It's getting on for an hour now since you started this thread.

Any thoughts on the comments so far?

AnnaMarlowe · 06/07/2016 23:31

My DH always took DD into the men's. There was never a problem.

What is it that people think would be so shocking for a girl to see in the men's? A very very brief glimpse of a penis (thing? FFS)? Why would that be worse for a girl than a boy?

My DD has a brother and a Father, she knows what penis looks like, just as her brother knows what a naked female looks like.

I've actually had more issues taking DS into the ladies as he's very tall and looks much older than his age.

Now he uses the men's and we have the problem that he could be waiting alone outside for a good 10 minutes if there's a queue in the ladies.

PurpleDaisies · 06/07/2016 23:31

If you're taking about my comment Purple then no tree wouldn't as id leave immediately. I'm also disabled myself, just not in an obvious mobility sense.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean bu your first sentence but if you're disabled you have every right to use a disabled loo.

I was making the point that I don't know how you expect someone waiting outside the disabled loo to know you're only in there with a child so they should knock if they needed to use it immediately.

ArmySal · 06/07/2016 23:32

DP was a single dad before I met him with a little girl of 4, he would knock on the door saying "dad coming in with little girl" no woman ever complained.

I'd be livid if my daughter had gone in to use them and a man did that.
Absolutely shouldn't do.

shrunkenhead · 06/07/2016 23:33

I'm with Doggity! It's not such a big deal.

HoratioNightboy · 06/07/2016 23:34

What wurlycurly said.

I find it hard to believe that so many mature and intelligent women freak at the idea of a man in the ladies. A similar thing used to happen in my old workplace, when a male cleaner was doing the ladies' toilets - there would be a sign on the door warning there was a male cleaner in Shock, and everyone would go up to the door, read the sign, and either head back to their desk (presumably to wait, with their legs crossed, till he'd finished) or walk for what felt like miles to get to the other toilets at the opposite end of the building.

I don't know what they thought he was going to do. The guy was far more interested in getting on with his work than being at all concerned with what the women were doing, and anyway, what's interesting about a bunch of women urinating in a private cubicle? Who cares?

I doubt I'd bother at a man bringing a young daughter into the ladies; I'd probably be bursting for a pee myself and only caring about getting on the pan. I've had to go into the gents a couple of times to retrieve my young boys who were taking too long, and no-one seemed bothered about that either (calling to them first to either come out or I was coming - plenty of warning for everyone).

Where do you all live that you're so appalled at the idea of a man and his girl-child using the ladies? Have you never been to the likes of France where there are unisex toilets everywhere?

PurpleDaisies · 06/07/2016 23:34

Have you never been to the likes of France where there are unisex toilets everywhere?

Unisex toilets are different because you are expecting men to be there.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 06/07/2016 23:35

This is just so bizarre. I have never seen this happen, ever.

I doubt I'd have the confidence to say anything if a man announced he was coming into the ladies'. And to be honest, I doubt anyone who would think this is OK would care if I objected!

If there are perverts exposing themselves then surely it is just as harmful to young boys as to girls anyway Hmm

BeckyMcDonald · 06/07/2016 23:36

Surely at the age when children would be embarrassed to be in the toilets for the opposite sex, they'd also be capable of taking themselves to the toilet and wiping their own arse? I take my 4-Y-old boy in with me (although he'd be fine going in himself if I left him) and the 6-y-o goes in the men's. If he's been in there a while, I ask a man going in to check he's ok, but I wouldn't ask anyone ever to wipe my child's bum.

Men in ladies' loos and ladies in men's loos is massively inappropriate. To the posters who said they 'pop in' to the gents if there's a queue at the ladies - do you genuinely believe that just because you're not embarrassed, all the men standing at the urinals are going to be totally fine with your presence? And the opposite for men who go in the ladies?

My husband would be really pissed off if some woman just walked in to the toilet while he was having a wee. And I'd be equally pissed off if I was in the loo and some bloke walked in. I wouldn't care what he was doing there, I'd just not want him there.

WorraLiberty · 06/07/2016 23:36

Actually, you've got to love Mumsnet Grin

So many people saying they wander around the house nude/allow their kids to enter their bedrooms whenever they want.

But god forbid a young girl should ever glimpse part of a penis on the way to a cubicle, accompanied by her Dad because she's bursting for the loo.

Oh no, it's much better for him to hang around outside a woman's toilet, waiting for a complete stranger to hand the toileting responsibility to.

You couldn't make it up Grin

KittensandKnitting · 06/07/2016 23:38

A ladies toilet is quite private, it's not that your entire world is on show - it's a man with a small child.

OhSoggyBiscuit · 06/07/2016 23:40

If you handed a random small child to me and said "Here, little Jenny has to do a poo, take her in and make sure she wipes and washes her hands please" I would look at you like you were crazy. No way would I want to supervise toileting for a child that isn't my own.

I've used a mens before when I was bursting- surprisingly I've seen dirtier WOMANS toilets!!

WomanActually · 06/07/2016 23:40

Unknown women not to be trusted to take dc as it's not wise to assume that just because she's female that she's safe, but unknown blokes in female toilets are ok because he's with a child and means no harm, women shouldn't feel uncomfortable? Why does the woman pose a risk but the bloke doesn't?

Dd is 11, she's awkward about bodily functions around dh so would feel massively uncomfortable if she went to the toilets and saw a man in there. It's not just adult women who use toilets, other female children and young teens do also, dh knew his presence wouldn't be welcome in the female toilets so would take dd into the male toilets when she was younger. He said you don't see dicks flapping about, you see the backs.

KittensandKnitting · 06/07/2016 23:40

To be fair my going into the gents toilet was at 1am in a nightclub I doubt half of them noticed me or the other six ladies who did it, wasn't like it was a trip to IKEA... But I take your point worral and has never been repeated

milliemolliemou · 06/07/2016 23:40

Perhaps the world should wake up to having changing tables in male loos where possible? or a unisex space for parents of either sex to use?

Some places couldn't do it for lack of space. But perhaps alongside the mandatory disabled loo there could be mandatory unisex parent changing loo? which would stop the problem in different threads where parents changing kids in disabled loos block them from disabled people? Perhaps MNHQ could consider this?

BertrandRussell · 06/07/2016 23:40

It really doesn't help when people people use words like "freak out" or "appalled" hen nobody has or is. I would just prefer that designated women's spaces are not used by men. And while I am indeed an adult woman and would not personally be at all bothered at the idea of a man in the next cubicle, it is a) the principle of the thing and b) there are some women who for whatever reason would find it very upsetting indeed. You may think they are being irrational, but that's their business. It is a women only space and they have a right not to find men in it.

KittensandKnitting · 06/07/2016 23:42

The daughter in my post with DP, didn't want to go into the men's loo, she would become very upset and he tried to leave her to go on her own into the ladies but even at four he would find she would start calling out for him.

PinkyofPie · 06/07/2016 23:42

Kittens are you serious? If a bloke 'announced' he was coming in with his daughter, I probably wouldn't say anything because I wouldn't have the confidence to challenge someone in a small space like that, but I'd be extremely pissed off and uncomfortable. What do you think happens in men's toilets that little girls cannot see?

PinkyofPie · 06/07/2016 23:43

Oh and if there is a male cleaner in the toilet I leave until he's finished.

Jeremysfavouriteaunt · 06/07/2016 23:44

More loos are becoming unisex thank goodness.

PinkyofPie · 06/07/2016 23:46

Horatio no one thinks men are going to do anything, it's about the comfort of an adult male being in the toilet when you're an adult female. Is this really so hard to grasp? I take exception about being implied I'm immature because I don't like the idea of men in women's spaces

PinkyofPie · 06/07/2016 23:51

Not sure where other people live but where I am changing tables are in disabled or unisex loos, I've rarely seen one in a women's toilet

RubyFlint · 06/07/2016 23:52

Pinky unicorn tears Grin

WeirdAndPissedOff · 06/07/2016 23:52

Ahh, this brings back slightly unrelated memories.
When I was younger Dstepdad took us three girls into the ladies changing room at a pool, rather than the men's. He didn't see anything wrong with it, and of course had no ill intentions, but of course it did bother the females of all ages around us! I remember being mortified while DSD was oblivious to the growing discomfort in the room.

The point being that the people using the "wrong" toilet may not be bothered, and ditto those who have used unisex toilets, but some people definitely would be so it's not really fair.