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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.

334 replies

NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 11:50

I have a newborn and 2 other children. I'm seriously sick to death of my mother's thinking.

I always knew her thinking from a teen, but now I've actually got kids in so pissed off.

My son wanted a dress, he's young. Just a fucking dress, I've brought one for him before, he puts it on and then dumps it 3 hours later anyway, there is not a problem. He used it to walk to swimming, it was so easy as it stopped his skin sticking, his words, but was then bored of it. My mother also told my daughter, when she was 5, she needed to keep a top on at the beach, or bikini top.

I'm just fucked off. My perfect sister with her perfect kids who follow all these wonderful gender stereotypes.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules" I am sooo fucked off. I love her so much, but do have very specific rules that I want to do as a parent, I said she had her chance to raise us how you wanted.

AIBU to think that you follow the parents' choice of parenting?? Or not?? I'm just so fucked off with it. I know it's small, but to say that she'd not want to go to the beach with my daughter if she doesn't have a top on as she's embarrassed or whatever, that's the bit that winds me up as how can you feel that strongly that you don't want to see my kid? And the "I'll have (sisters name here) enough times anyway in the near future".

I'm raging and I know you have a lot of these gender threads, but is it enough to not let her take them out on their own? Of course they can see them when I'm there/dad is there. Because when she makes a comment, I can jump right in and stop it. I'm raging that she cares enough to not want to see them. So pissed off. So fucked off.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 07/07/2016 18:58

Of course each parent gets to decide what is and isn't ok. The Op has asked for opinions. My opinion is that a hypothetical item of clothing is not worth all this upset.

Original poster
NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 18:59

Neither would a kid eating a bit of meat. But you think so...? We're different, but the point is, wouldn't you be upset if your DM turned around and said she'd rather not see your child if they won't eat meat around her house?

OP posts:
Original poster
NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 19:01

I'm also very confused with his whole hypothetical clothing... It has happened, I don't know how many times I have to repeat that

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 07/07/2016 19:12

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules"

That's not a normal response to a request to take your children swimming. Who wouldn't be offended at that ? I wouldn't be taking children anywhere if that's how their parents spoke to me.

Op one minuite you didn't mention transgender but then you did. Then you query what it's got to do with it. You are clearly trying to overlay the transgender issue onto it because you know it's an emotive subject.

Original poster
NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 19:15

No, I was explaining that this is why kids come out as transgender because they think they have to be a girl to wear a dress, etc.

My mother reacted negatively to a situation before DS2 was even born, hence the warning to her

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 07/07/2016 19:18

No, I was explaining that this is why kids come out as transgender because they think they have to be a girl to wear a dress, etc.

Do they ?

Original poster
NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 19:21

Definitely, I'm talking about the 6 year olds by the way. Not the 13 year olds.

OP posts:
Original poster
NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 19:28

You've also decided to completely ignore my post about how you'd feel but just changing it to a meat example.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 07/07/2016 21:03

dont bother op u wont win with these people

theyre stuck in their ways and yes they do think wearing a dress is wrong-no matter how they try and be pc about it

diddl · 07/07/2016 21:33

"The bit I'm upset about is the fact that she'd rather not see them."

But if her rules/values are so different to yours, perhaps it's a good thing for them to not have her in their lives?

Thinnestofthinice · 07/07/2016 21:43

OP you've said that your son throws the dresses to one side after a few hours so they clearly aren't an instrumental piece of clothing to him. It would be staying at home playing "dress up" or going out dressing to societal norms with me too at that age. When he becomes of the age where he understands how this can contradict what the expected "norms" are and is making a conscious decision to wear a dress despite all the age old connotations and stereotypes (including negative ones) that other people may hold, then that is when he would be wearing one in public with me. Not before. It is not a cool view but I am firmly on your mother's side on this- I would feel that taking your children out they would look like they have raided the dressing up box before we have stepped out of the door and that they looked unkempt. Realising that different adults all have different rules and expectations is something most kids can grasp early on- your kids will be fine with it.

Original poster
NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 21:49

He's 8.

OP posts:
BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 22:06

"But if her rules/values are so different to yours, perhaps it's a good thing for them to not have her in their lives?"

This op. With bells on.

WomanActually · 07/07/2016 22:26

I don't think OP was trying to imply her ds was trans, I think she was saying if a child is told by society that only girls can wear dresses, and then that message is also reinforced by the parents at home, a young boy wanting to wear a dress may feel that he's actually a girl?

I often take my nieces and nephews out to the park, to local fairs or whatever and I can't imagine me ever saying if they didn't wear what I wanted them to then I'd rather not see them, I have rules about safety, hold hands at roads, no hitting each other etc, but none around what they have to wear for informal trips out.

If I'd started a thread about my Dad complaining that dd isn't feminine and that he wouldn't take her swimming unless she looked like his view of a girl should, that he'd rather not see her at all unless she ware feminine clothing I think he'd be called a twat.

I'm not sure that OP is pushing her values onto her ds, it sounds more like he asked for a dress and because it's not a big deal, OP said fine. It's sounds more like it's a bigdeal to Gran and she is pushing her values onto the child if anything and because OP doesn't agree, the response is that Gran would rather not see him. Is DS aware that his Gran has said this OP? Does she say anything to him about it? It would be hurtful I'd imagine.

If it was anything but a boy in a dress the responses may be different. A child choosing to be vegetarian is a good example, I don't think people would be saying grans rules apply when she's got the dc, that they have to eat meat when with her and that the parents are unreasonable for pushing their values onto the child, when the child itself has said no meat. If gran refused to see grandchildren because Mum won't let her make the child eat meat when the child has said no, the Mum would get more support.

GabsAlot · 07/07/2016 22:38

exactly womanatually great post

i suggest people watch the tv show boy in a dress

witty inisightful and moving

GabsAlot · 07/07/2016 22:39

www.imdb.com/title/tt4307924/

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 07/07/2016 22:49

Wow!

Some very 'deep thinking' going on in here for 11:45pm!

NopeSorry - if your mum refuses to see her own grandchildren because of what they choose to wear then abide by her wishes. Her loss.

Personally, if my own mother put her embarrassment before the happiness and comfort of her grandkids, I'd rather my children were not subjected to, too 'much' of her influences.

She is entitled to her opinion as are everyone else.

But she also use emotional blackmail to get her own way by saying she won't see them and that she can get her 'grandkid fix' from your sister's children. She is probably doing this because she knows it winds you up (and it has!) in order to change your mind.

Play along. Wink she will soon get the message or she will need reminding of her choices soon enough when she moans and groans.

But a lot of people have probably quite rightly pointed out that she seemingly hold a lot of anger and resentment towards your DM. it sounds like she is quite controlling.

Littleballerina · 07/07/2016 23:10

op, your mum sounds like mine!
you've had loads of abuse on here but wanted to say that you are doing a fab job. My 16 year old lad used to ask for dresses and believe it or not has grown into a lovely young man despite my parenting Wink

BeyondVulvaResistance · 08/07/2016 14:58

Yummymummy must be writing one hell of an apology... Grin

OliveV · 08/07/2016 15:17

I see why you're upset. Yes, rules at someone else's house don't need to be yours, but rules on what your child can wear? Weird.

If your child went over to their friend's house, can you imagine your reaction if their mum/dad told you to get your kid changed!?

springydaffs · 08/07/2016 18:38

she is ridiculous and cares more about what other people like her think.

Then you have a lot in common with your mother. Chip off the old block - no wonder you're at loggerheads! you INSIST you're right and so does she.

re school uniforms: one of my boys found the fashion pressure at his non-uniform school too much. It really made him unhappy. We moved and he went to a uniform school; it was such a relief to him and he blossomed.

dowhatnow · 08/07/2016 19:17

I think you are making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Kids know that different behaviours and rules apply in different places and with different people.
Don't make a fuss. Let him do his own thing when with you and then just say to him with a tut, raised eyebrows and a she's so silly voice "you know what Nana is like, you'd better get changed"

It will only affect him negatively if he sees you react to your mum and he knows it gets to you.

springydaffs · 08/07/2016 19:39

They're certainly going to have to live with rules they don't agree with when they get out into the world - not just when they're adults but when they're children, too eg school rules. As for the workplace, dear me, they really are going to have to take ridiculous leaders/rules in their stride if they want to pay their mortgage.

Teaching your kids there are different rules in different places is a good skill for you to learn.

Stickerrocks · 08/07/2016 20:17

I see that you have a VERY new born baby. Congratulations. Over the next few weeks I'm sure you will reach a point where your mum's offer to take the other two out for a while will be appreciated. Try to lose your rage, as your stress levels must be all over the place at the moment, sit back and enjoy your time with the new baby. None of this will seem very important when you look back.

Mycraneisfixed · 09/07/2016 00:39

I don't think the real issue is the dress. You just want to score points over your DM. Grow up and let things go and stop acting like an obnoxious child. You're lucky you have the support of your mother. Many young mothers would love to have their own mother helping out.