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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.

334 replies

NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 11:50

I have a newborn and 2 other children. I'm seriously sick to death of my mother's thinking.

I always knew her thinking from a teen, but now I've actually got kids in so pissed off.

My son wanted a dress, he's young. Just a fucking dress, I've brought one for him before, he puts it on and then dumps it 3 hours later anyway, there is not a problem. He used it to walk to swimming, it was so easy as it stopped his skin sticking, his words, but was then bored of it. My mother also told my daughter, when she was 5, she needed to keep a top on at the beach, or bikini top.

I'm just fucked off. My perfect sister with her perfect kids who follow all these wonderful gender stereotypes.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules" I am sooo fucked off. I love her so much, but do have very specific rules that I want to do as a parent, I said she had her chance to raise us how you wanted.

AIBU to think that you follow the parents' choice of parenting?? Or not?? I'm just so fucked off with it. I know it's small, but to say that she'd not want to go to the beach with my daughter if she doesn't have a top on as she's embarrassed or whatever, that's the bit that winds me up as how can you feel that strongly that you don't want to see my kid? And the "I'll have (sisters name here) enough times anyway in the near future".

I'm raging and I know you have a lot of these gender threads, but is it enough to not let her take them out on their own? Of course they can see them when I'm there/dad is there. Because when she makes a comment, I can jump right in and stop it. I'm raging that she cares enough to not want to see them. So pissed off. So fucked off.

OP posts:
cosmicglittergirl · 07/07/2016 11:34

Dresses are not massively practical for young children anyway. I have two DDs and they mostly wear leggings/trousers. If I had a son I wouldn't push for him to wear a dress as I would think that people might think I was trying to be 'out there'.

BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 11:35

My kids school has uniform as:
Jumper
Polo shirt
Skirt / trousers / shorts
Shoes and socks

No sex or "gender" split at all

diddl · 07/07/2016 11:38

What other rules does your mum have then?

If she was offering regular childcare then I think that she should go by your rules.

If it's a couple of hrs here & there then it can be more fluid imo.

But if she doesn't want to take your son if he's wearing a dress, then surely she just doesn't?

Is she saying that if she can't take them to the beach on her terms then she won't see them at all, or just not take them to the beach?

2yummymummy2 · 07/07/2016 11:40

Post details and we can check if it out

The nurseries details will be on ofstead but obviously that won't include which ones have cross dressing policies

I'm just interested to know if there are in fact nurseries/schools that allow boys to wear dresses

Post away

diddl · 07/07/2016 11:42

"My kids school has uniform as:
Jumper
Polo shirt
Skirt / trousers / shorts
Shoes and socks"

So the boys can wear skirts if they want?

BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 11:44

If they wanted, no one has though. Primary school, not high school, if that makes a difference?

2yummymummy2 · 07/07/2016 11:49

As someone else said kids get sent home for having the wrong hairstyle, which school is it that allows boys to wear skirts?

We can call up and ask them because I personally don't believe a school would allow a boy to wear a skirt when they can't even have a no1 haircut in most schools or wear the wrong shoes

MerryMarigold · 07/07/2016 11:49

Not RTFT so I'm sure it's been said but I think:

  • You have been hurt by your Mum in the past and this is not resolved - so I do think you have overreacted on this issue. My Mum is not perfect, but I think if she said, for example, she doesn't want dd naked on the beach whilst she is looking after her, I would be fine with that. If I am around and she is imposing her views or telling me how I should parent when I am there, it's a bit different. When my kids go to their friends', they live by their friends' rules, so if they are allowed to run in my house, but not in friends house then they are not allowed to run in their friend's house. It's the same: Your Mum's time, her rules. My ds are allowed to fight (somewhat, wrestling etc.) in my house, but my Mum doesn't like it and they know that, so they are not allowed to do it in her house or when she is taking care of them.
  • You both sound quite bloody minded to be honest. You probably take after her in this. I don't think it would do any of you damage to both be able to back down a bit and be a bit more chilled out, live and let live. If she wants to think that way (and tbh, I don't think my Mum would have wanted to look after my ds in a dress either), then that's ok, she is allowed to think that way. It's ok for the kids to learn that we do/ don't do this around Grandma because she has strong views on it, like being considerate enough not to use the 'c' word around your parents if they would dislike it.

The only thing which will damage her relationship with the children is if you make a mountain out of a molehill.

2yummymummy2 · 07/07/2016 11:49

As someone else said kids get sent home for having the wrong hairstyle, which school is it that allows boys to wear skirts?

We can call up and ask them because I personally don't believe a school would allow a boy to wear a skirt when they can't even have a no1 haircut in most schools or wear the wrong shoes

BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 11:54

I'm not in England - the school rules I read here I don't recognise at all
And of course I'm not telling some random on the internet what school my kids go to, are you for real?!

BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 11:56

There are no rules about hair length or colour at all. Jewellery limited to one pair of earrings, high heels no higher than 10cm.

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 11:58

I'm emailing a few now (none that my kids went to) to see what they say

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 07/07/2016 11:59

Because that is a great use of staff members' time Hmm

user7755 · 07/07/2016 11:59

Are you quite well OP? You seem very fixated on this.

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 12:00

So does the other poster who doesn't believe they would

OP posts:
2yummymummy2 · 07/07/2016 12:08

Mnhq should delete this thread, it's just people lying pointlessly

Schools in the uk have policies they have to stick to

Please don't post things if you can't back them up

Post a copy of the schools policy then with the schools name blacked out because I do not believe a word of it as I'm sure most parents don't

2yummymummy2 · 07/07/2016 12:10

And don't forget to post the part of the school policy that states

'skirts can be worn by both boys and girls'

BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 12:11
Hmm Please point me in the direction of the 'policy' stating schools must have gendered uniform by law, and I will pass it on to my HT
BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 12:11

Yummy, I told you what it says. Can't you read?

horseygeorgie1 · 07/07/2016 12:14

Seriously?! You are seriously going to email nurseries with a pointless question to prove a point on MN?!?

I wouldn't take a boy out in a dress. I would be embarrassed and I don't care if I'm lynched for it! No problem at home etc but not the done thing out. I also would not let my DD on the beach in a bikini. No top feels better than a bikini oddly enough!

I think you are BU.

Hiding this before it turns into a worse bun fight!

2yummymummy2 · 07/07/2016 12:14

Beyond- I don't believe a word you say
Can't you read??

Don't post statements about school policy unless you can back it up

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 07/07/2016 12:15

I thought women started wearing trousers because they were more practical than dresses (wasn't it around the time bicycles became very popular), rather than a social experiment and to show how wonderfully open minded and progressive they were.

Funny world really where boys are applauded for wearing dresses while girls are frowned upon for doing the same.

Confused
coffeetasteslikeshit · 07/07/2016 12:15

*Honestly, how do you think women became able to wear trousers in the first place? Why shouldn't our sons have the right to wear what they want too?

So you would have no problem if your DH walked around in a dress too then?*

No, not a problem. Unless he wanted to walk round in an evening dress in the day time... that just wouldn't be right Wink

coffeetasteslikeshit · 07/07/2016 12:17

As someone else said kids get sent home for having the wrong hairstyle

Another stupid pointless rule.

BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 12:18

I am not going to post a picture with verbatim wording that can then be googled just to prove a point on the Internet. Hmm

I want a link to that law. Noone is going to be outed by you posting that, unlike if I post my child's school uniform policy! Unless of course, it doesn't exist and you are rather pathetically posturing about your knowledge on the subject?