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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.

334 replies

NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 11:50

I have a newborn and 2 other children. I'm seriously sick to death of my mother's thinking.

I always knew her thinking from a teen, but now I've actually got kids in so pissed off.

My son wanted a dress, he's young. Just a fucking dress, I've brought one for him before, he puts it on and then dumps it 3 hours later anyway, there is not a problem. He used it to walk to swimming, it was so easy as it stopped his skin sticking, his words, but was then bored of it. My mother also told my daughter, when she was 5, she needed to keep a top on at the beach, or bikini top.

I'm just fucked off. My perfect sister with her perfect kids who follow all these wonderful gender stereotypes.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules" I am sooo fucked off. I love her so much, but do have very specific rules that I want to do as a parent, I said she had her chance to raise us how you wanted.

AIBU to think that you follow the parents' choice of parenting?? Or not?? I'm just so fucked off with it. I know it's small, but to say that she'd not want to go to the beach with my daughter if she doesn't have a top on as she's embarrassed or whatever, that's the bit that winds me up as how can you feel that strongly that you don't want to see my kid? And the "I'll have (sisters name here) enough times anyway in the near future".

I'm raging and I know you have a lot of these gender threads, but is it enough to not let her take them out on their own? Of course they can see them when I'm there/dad is there. Because when she makes a comment, I can jump right in and stop it. I'm raging that she cares enough to not want to see them. So pissed off. So fucked off.

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 07/07/2016 09:59

Biwi I actually think you're being incredibly rude.
You seem to live in a bubble where everyone wears what they want and does what they want and nobody bats an eye. Most places children can be terrors, adults make snide remarks and as a mum I want to prevent ridicule and bullying (I don't think that will happen, I know that will happen) in an age where kids take their own lives due to bullying I wouldn't set my child up for any.
As I said previously I have been out with my son and people feel they can comment on his differences already.
Have you never walked past a group of teenagers taking the piss out of everyone and anyone?
I wouldn't put my son in a turban as he's not Sikh, does that make me racist?

Greenyogagirl · 07/07/2016 10:05

Also as others have said I didn't realise all gay men wore dresses. I'll make sure I buy my gay friend a dress at Christmas, thanks for the heads up.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 07/07/2016 10:09

I agree with BIWI. My jaw has dropped at some of the comments on this thread. Honestly, how do you think women became able to wear trousers in the first place? Why shouldn't our sons have the right to wear what they want too?

coffeetasteslikeshit · 07/07/2016 10:10

I'd also like to know exactly what a 5 year old girl with no top on on the beach is vulnerable to too.

PrimalLass · 07/07/2016 10:13

Is it not double standards to say that 'boys can wear dresses' with no connections to their sexuality (obviously, and even if there was then so what), but girls wearing a bikini top is disturbing, odd, creepy etc?

If they are just clothes, then doesn't that apply to everyone?

JessicasElephant · 07/07/2016 10:16

When with you, your children follow your rules. When being looked after my somebody else they follow the other adult's rules. If you really don't agree with your DM's rules then she doesn't look after them.

It doesn't matter whether that rule is about clothing, bedtimes, sweet treats etc. If you trust another adult to take care of your children then you have to accept that they may have different rules.

MollyTwo · 07/07/2016 10:24

Honestly, how do you think women became able to wear trousers in the first place? Why shouldn't our sons have the right to wear what they want too?

So you would have no problem if your DH walked around in a dress too then?

RagamuffinAndFidget · 07/07/2016 10:25

Primal I don't like seeing little girls wearing 'grown up' clothes but I have no issues with a boy in a dress. I wouldn't let a boy wear a skimpy bikini either though.. a one piece, fine, but not a bikini.

Adult clothes are for adults. Childrens clothes are for children, regardless of sex/gender. I just think there's something a bit off about seeing a child wearing something that was originally designed to be 'sexy'..

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 10:25

My children's nursery doesn't allow anyone to wear a dress, but they would if they were allowed.

OP posts:
2yummymummy2 · 07/07/2016 10:26

Why should a child not wear a bikini not bikini bottoms...

Skin cancer prevention for one, most children wear uv50+ sun protection suits or tshirts at the beach because spf washes off

PrimalLass · 07/07/2016 10:27

Ragamuffin I just find that hypocritical. There should be nothing sexy about a little girl in a bikini.

BIWI · 07/07/2016 10:29

Yes, I'm being patronising. But I'm not the one living in a bubble here! I find it astonishing, and very alarming, that so many of you are simply not prepared to think about why you have these responses, or why you (perceive) other people to have them. It's the lack of preparedness to engage brain or think beyond an immediate response that's concerning as well as frustrating.

(Oh, and while we're at it, the OP didn't say her DS wanted to dress in dresses all the time - just that he wanted a dress. Presumably the rest of the time he's perfectly happy to wear 'normal' clothes?)

Greenyogagirl · 07/07/2016 10:30

I don't like the girls at the high school wearing skirts so short and tight they flash their pants while walking down the street, I'm sure that makes me old fashioned, not liberal enough, sexist and whatever else too.

Greenyogagirl · 07/07/2016 10:33

I've seen plenty of explanations as to why biwi you're just ignoring them!!
Anyway I'm off, you can't discuss something if people refuse to allow you an opinion.

LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2016 10:43

BIWI again you are making huge assumptions about people not thinking, engaging their brain etc that is very arrogant of you. It is you who is living in a bubble by the sounds of it. Meanwhile in the real world life goes on, the world where it's not normal for young boys to wear dresses.

chipmonkey · 07/07/2016 10:57

Yeah, years ago, Scottish men wore kilts and they all grew up gay and confused. So they switched to trousers.

Or maybe trousers were just warmer.

chipmonkey · 07/07/2016 10:59

Does anyone actually think a tiny bikini top gives any protection against skin cancer? And if you do, why not put bikini tops on little boys? Or does the skin cancer not matter for boys?
And if it's an indoor swimming pool, where does skin cancer come into it at all?

user7755 · 07/07/2016 10:59

I think that it's all well and good to have an ideology and that we challenge the norms and expectations - especially if they are wrong. However, as parents it is important that we keep our kids safe, we don't use them to make our ideological points at their detriment. If an adult wants to do that, it's fine, it's their decision.

A parallel; I believe in inclusive education but after a lot of soul searching I sent my ds to a special school. I still believe that he shouldn't have to go to a special school to be safe and well educated, but by sending him to a mainstream school he would have been very vulnerable. Not because he had done anything wrong but because like it or not some kids are horrible twats. And it's my job to keep him safe.

LagunaBubbles · 07/07/2016 11:03

Chip monkey if you're trying to be funny it didn't work. Kilts aren't skirts or dresses.

2yummymummy2 · 07/07/2016 11:06

These arguments jeez I just don't know why people post them?!

Scottish men wore kilts. Kilts were what was men's clothing at the time!!! They didn't wear dresses or dress like women.
So wearing kilts to them wasn't actually wearing women's clothing

It's standard nowadays for girls to wear leggings,shorts,trousers,jeans etc but it's just not standard for boys to wear dresses or dress up as girls

Maybe it will be one day but in 2016 it looks very out of place to see a young boy dressed as a girl. That's just a fact of life.

Nurseries and schools don't allow boys to dress as girls, as far as I'm aware and any that do then please list the schools contact details as proof

PrimalLass · 07/07/2016 11:07

Chipmonkey has anyone said they think that?

Both my children wear rash vests. But if DD wants to wear a bikini top for half an hour then why not?

paxillin · 07/07/2016 11:08

I would just go with an "inappropriate for occasion" approach. Not worth losing granny over. He is nursery aged, the dress thing is a random whim of a toddler. I got spiderman for school sports day and swimming trunks in December at that age. If at 12 he still wants the dress you will have to fight his corner of course.

PrimalLass · 07/07/2016 11:09

Oh, and while we're at it, the OP didn't say her DS wanted to dress in dresses all the time - just that he wanted a dress. Presumably the rest of the time he's perfectly happy to wear 'normal' clothes?

Which is why it was so odd that she was making such a big deal about it,

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 11:27

Nursery age? He isn't... I was just saying that their nursery (as in when they went there)

OP posts:
NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 11:31

I could get you loads of nursery contacts that would allow it. I tell you what, I'll send out a couple of emails and I'll show you the replies.

OP posts: