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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please tell me I'm not the insane one? So fucked off.

334 replies

NopeSorry · 06/07/2016 11:50

I have a newborn and 2 other children. I'm seriously sick to death of my mother's thinking.

I always knew her thinking from a teen, but now I've actually got kids in so pissed off.

My son wanted a dress, he's young. Just a fucking dress, I've brought one for him before, he puts it on and then dumps it 3 hours later anyway, there is not a problem. He used it to walk to swimming, it was so easy as it stopped his skin sticking, his words, but was then bored of it. My mother also told my daughter, when she was 5, she needed to keep a top on at the beach, or bikini top.

I'm just fucked off. My perfect sister with her perfect kids who follow all these wonderful gender stereotypes.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules" I am sooo fucked off. I love her so much, but do have very specific rules that I want to do as a parent, I said she had her chance to raise us how you wanted.

AIBU to think that you follow the parents' choice of parenting?? Or not?? I'm just so fucked off with it. I know it's small, but to say that she'd not want to go to the beach with my daughter if she doesn't have a top on as she's embarrassed or whatever, that's the bit that winds me up as how can you feel that strongly that you don't want to see my kid? And the "I'll have (sisters name here) enough times anyway in the near future".

I'm raging and I know you have a lot of these gender threads, but is it enough to not let her take them out on their own? Of course they can see them when I'm there/dad is there. Because when she makes a comment, I can jump right in and stop it. I'm raging that she cares enough to not want to see them. So pissed off. So fucked off.

OP posts:
BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 14:59

"If you don't care, why are you saying there are certain rules"

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 15:00

My son isn't 5, I haven't actually mentioned his age yet.

OP posts:
BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 15:01

Nope, are you will smith? Wink

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 15:04

The thing is though, you saying that your kid wouldn't get a choice about where they're going is fine, I agree, but when it's supposed to be something fun like swimming why would you ruin his fun weekend because you feel embarrassed that he wears a dress from the car into swimming and out again? I'm not getting it. Yes, if I needed my son to come to the doctor/go to school/come to the shop, he doesn't really get a choice, but why would you make it miserable? If he's happy in a dress, he's happy in a dress. How is his comfort less important than you feeling embarrassed as he isn't fitting in with all the other kids.

Also, this stupid 'catch the gay' lark. And how a dress won't make you gay, absolutely correct. However, if a dress was to make my son gay but that dress made him happy, why would it matter if it did make him gay (which it obviously doesn't)? Being gay isn't a bad thing.

OP posts:
MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 07/07/2016 15:07

She's not babysitting husky, she wants to take them out. I think op is fairly ambivalent about that... Grin

MypocketsarelikeNarnia · 07/07/2016 15:08

I think yummymummy is working on a superlong letter to the daily mail...

Alwayschanging1 · 07/07/2016 16:42

Anybody who told me that my DC had to conform to their view of the world would never be allowed to babysit.
It's a form of bullying - "comply with my rules or I will not support you".
I would be as angry as the OP clearly is.

MatrixReloaded · 07/07/2016 16:45

Being told to wear something more appropriate doesn't ruin his fun weekend. That's a gross exaggeration. I'm not sure why your sons comfort should be more important than your mums comfort.

What was important was that he spent quality time with his grandma.

Alwayschanging1 · 07/07/2016 16:50

The fact that this is about a dress is irrelevant. It's the fact that the DM expects the OP/DC to behave in a certain way and if they don't, she issues a threat about refusing to have the DC again.

I know where I would tell my DM to shove her threats if she pulled a stunt like this.

MatrixReloaded · 07/07/2016 17:18

This is a hypothetical situation. It hasn't actually happened.

She wanted to take my newest baby swimming when older and take the other kids, I said that if my son chooses to walk there with a dress or my daughter doesn't want to have a top on or whatever the duck else that doesn't matter, happens, you need to follow the way I'm parenting and accept it. She said absolutely not and that "I don't want to look after your kids anyway if they don't follow my rules

Op by the time your baby is older your son might have no interest in wearing a dress. Your daughter might decide herself she wants to wear a swimsuit or whatever.

If I said to my family member that it would be nice to take the children swimming when they're older I wouldn't expect a rant about parenting styles , or a debate about a hypothetical dress. I think you were really rude and aggressive.

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 17:46

It has happened, but before my second son was born

OP posts:
BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 17:56

Wish people would stop banging on about the dress. It was explained quite clearly from other posts.

The fact is that the mother thinks that op's parenting/the children are not good enough and she knows better. If it wasn't about a bloody boy in a dress it would be unanimous that the mother is in the wrong.

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 18:05

The bit I'm upset about is the fact that she'd rather not see them. They were her words, and the fact that she'll be seeing my sisters children enough anyway, so it won't matter to her if she doesn't see them, that's the bit that I'm most upset about. It still upsets me

OP posts:
firstandmiddle · 07/07/2016 18:11

Id feel embarrassed taking a boy out wearing a dress too. I know it's not cool to say so on mn.

Me too.
Only on MN

firstandmiddle · 07/07/2016 18:12

To ask your mother to put up with that level of scrutiny from society just so you can feel good about your liberal values is frankly selfish.

Well said.

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 18:22

I think some of you need to realise that this isn't about my own values, as funnily enough, I'm not the one sitting here going on about how I feel, like a lot of you are. I'm actually thinking about my son.

How sad that some of you would feel embarrassed being out with your own child. Awful, really is. Would you feel embarrassed about going out with your daughter if she was recovering from an illness which caused for her hair to fall out because God forbid, she may have 'boy hair'. It's all really sad. Don't tell me it isn't the same. You're a grown up, yet you're too embarrassed? Yet a grip, that's your child. So pleased that I was blessed with a son who likes being individual.

OP posts:
BeyondVulvaResistance · 07/07/2016 18:23

"She'd rather not see them"
But still posts about the bloody dress!

MatrixReloaded · 07/07/2016 18:33

Op spending time with grandchildren is meant to be a pleasant experience. If you ranted to me like that I would probably not bother taking them out. it just sounds like a battle .And if I was taking someone else's children out I would expect them to respect my rules. It sounds to me that you are sabotaging your mum spending time with your children.

There will always be different rules and different styles of parenting. I'm very relaxed and I don't mind mine running around , or tea in front of the telly. My mum does mind , it's shoes off and tea at the table so things are different at her place or if she's looking after them.

I would take issue with smacking , safety issues , feeding a vegetarian child meat , surprise haircuts and the like. Not an item of clothing. You either trust your mum to look after them or you don't. If they are safe with her and enjoy spending time I would accept the fact that she has a different way of doing things.

MatrixReloaded · 07/07/2016 18:46

I think some of you need to realise that this isn't about my own values, as funnily enough, I'm not the one sitting here going on about how I feel, like a lot of you are. I'm actually thinking about my son.

No harm will come to your son if he doesn't wear a particular item of clothing. And if it isn't about your values , what is it about ?

Personally I think you are being very manipulative. You are doing something deeply unpleasant regarding the dress. You have mentioned transgender several times and are now questioning whether posters would feel embarrassed taking a girl out with "boy hair".

You seem to be using your son as a way to prove how individual you are.

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 18:49

Where have I ever mentioned transgender? ShockConfusedHmm as I haven't, as I don't believe in it in childhood.

OP posts:
Alwayschanging1 · 07/07/2016 18:49

So there are things that you MatrixReloaded would not tolerate from your DM (smacking , safety issues , feeding a vegetarian child meat , surprise haircuts). So there are some circumstances when you would react the same as OP - it's just that you don't think agree with her that this is important enough to justify putting her foot down with her DM.

Surely where that line is is for OP to decide?

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 18:52

Thank you to the PP, very good point. If I came on here saying that I don't think it's a big deal that your mum fed your child meat (when they're a vegetarian) as what your mother decides to cook is what your child would eat, you'd disagree.

OP posts:
MatrixReloaded · 07/07/2016 18:53

NopeSorry Wed 06-Jul-16 19:58:00

You won't set them up for ridicule, but you'll let them feel like they're wrong for wanting to wear a dress? This is where transgender children come into it. The ones where they say they feel like a girl, just because they want to wear what a girl wears, it's all very sad.

NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 18:54

Yes, in that I don't agree that children are transgender... It's just where society doesn't let her wear 'girls' clothes? What's that got to do with it? Confused

OP posts:
NopeSorry · 07/07/2016 18:55

them not her

OP posts: