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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask partner to rehome cats?

290 replies

FruitCider · 06/07/2016 07:41

I honestly think this is going to end my relationship.

I have recently been rereferred back to a respiratory consultant after failing all winter to get control of my asthma and having countless oral steroids. I nearly ended up on a respiratory ward in April as my asthma was so severe.

Anyway, I finally got my allergy test results from September 2012 (that was the last time I saw the consultant) and they show I have quite a severe allergy to cats.

I rehomed 2 cats with my partner from a rescue 7 years ago. My respiratory consultant has said the only way to step up my medication now is to move to anti inflammatory injections once a fortnight and she "would be loathed to do that to me whilst I still have cats". She is telling me in no uncertain terms the cats need to go.

I tell this to my partner of NINE YEARS, whom I have a 3.5 yo daughter with, and his reaction? He can't abandon the cats, therefore he wants to seperate and move out with them. He wants me to compromise by agreeing to keep the cats despite the impact on my health. His argument is that I use an electronic cigarette and need to quit that first. I lost my dad 6 months ago to cancer and honestly think I would start smoking again if I didn't use it

Have I gone completely mad? Or is it reasonable for my partner to threaten to seperate with me if I don't keep the cats? I feel absolutely devastated, unloved, and unwanted. I just can't believe he would toss me go one side like this. He is now threatening to leave me and take our daughter with him unless I back down. I will literally have no-one or nothing left if they go.

AIBU to expect my partner to not leave me for the cats?

OP posts:
kali110 · 06/07/2016 21:15

No fruit is was no directed to you.i've never said once said you are in the wrong.

WellErrr · 06/07/2016 21:15

I remember hearing that Stuart Baggs from the Apprentice died of an asthma attack. I had never realised before then how dangerous it could be Sad

LagunaBubbles · 06/07/2016 21:15

sttheendoftheday.....you said "obviously you would be worried about your partners health....it's a bit more than that, asthma attacks can be fatal! Are you saying you would rather play Russian roulette with your partners life rather than get rid of an animal? That's shocking. It broke my heart getting rid of my cat when my DS was diagnosed with asthma but it had to be done. I wonder if everyone who says they would keep the animal if it was their child that had the life threatening allergy and not their partner?

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 21:16

Ffs. I want my life partner to love me more than a cat. I want the father of my child to prioritise my child having a mother over him having a cat. Yes I want to be further up his hierarchy than a fucking cat.

I could kiss you.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 21:18

What the hell is going on with mn these days?

The replies on some threads are becoming crazy and hysterical

Are people that bored they need to piss off other people for fun?!

kali110 · 06/07/2016 21:19

But if he doesn't what are you going to do then? It doesn't sound like he is going to do that.

UmbongoUnchained · 06/07/2016 21:19

Mumsnet is so weird with animals. There are some posters on this forum that would save their dog over their kids in a house fire I'm sure.

KittyLaRoux · 06/07/2016 21:20

Ha ha ha ok then kali whatever. The opinion of one who admits they are stupid matters nothing to me. I am not nasty enough, spiteful enough or selfish enough to put a pet above a human. Look closer to home dear.

kali110 · 06/07/2016 21:21

That's good because your opinion does not matter to me either.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 06/07/2016 21:22

Asthma can kill. It can kill young, otherwise healthy people, quickly. It can kill even if you are given all the right medication in hospital. I write this as a doctor- ive treated asthmatics in a&e- severe asthma can be terrifying.

The meditations the op is taking cause side effects, including possible severe long term side effects.

She is severely allergic to cats. If the cats go, she can likely step down her medications, and be at less risk of dying and damaging her health long term.

The e cigarettes are neither here nor there. Yes they may have a negative effect on her asthma. No, it is not in any way comparable to being persistently exposed to something she is very allergic to.

Imagine if the op's child grew up without a mother because he wanted to keep the cats. Ffs.

OP, I really don't know what to say about your partner. It sounds like he thinks you are making this up. What an ignorant dick. He is treating you with contempt.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who valued my health so little, who refused to believe me, who didn't put their child's wellbeing before a pet.

I would tell him to leave with the cats. If he won't go, take the cats to a refuge or put them to sleep. Don't dither- it sounds like he won't see sense no matter how often you explain it

I don't know where you both stand with custody of your daughter. Would you be looking after her over the summer whilst he works full time? What are your childcare plans when you are both working? Can you afford to see a solicitor to get advice about custody?

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 21:22

I had to rehome my two dogs for the sake of my daughter

We were homeless and needed somewhere to rent. Everywhere stated no pets. Should I have said no sorry. Gotta keep my dogs and find myself without a home? Whilst I had a baby?

No. She deserved a home. So the dogs went. I cried about. I raged. And even now when I think about them I get upset but my daughter deserved better

WellErrr · 06/07/2016 21:23

What the hell is going on with mn these days?

I don't know.

I know there have been threads for years 'oh mumsnet has changed blah blah' but this time I think it really has. Last 3-6 months or so.

Daily Mail? Dunno but I hope it gets back to how often towels get washed and funny things that happened at work soon.

KittyLaRoux · 06/07/2016 21:25

Sorry you ever had to go through that Need Flowers

NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 21:25

Thanx Sad

I miss them like mad but I don't regret what I did

Pearlman · 06/07/2016 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 21:26

But if he doesn't what are you going to do then? It doesn't sound like he is going to do that.

I'm going to tell him in no uncertain terms he needs to leave with the cats. It's my tenancy. He has no right to stay here if I want to get rid of him.

And actually looking at the amount of time I've been on placement during the last 12 months (26 weeks) and taking into consideration annual leave (10 weeks) he would have a hard time arguing he is primary carer as the child benefit claim is in my name. So if I did throw him out I would be looking at shared residency straight away. My job will be 3 long shifts a week, working alternate weekends. So we can have her every other weekend and he could have her when I'm at work. We can split childcare costs down the middle (£85 a week each for 5 days a week). I don't even feel worried any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 21:27

No. She deserved a home. So the dogs went. I cried about. I raged. And even now when I think about them I get upset but my daughter deserved better

Oh bless you, that sounds horrible X

OP posts:
kali110 · 06/07/2016 21:28

That's good then that is a plan, ( thought it was a joint tenancy) then if you tell him this this may show where his loyalties lie?

kali110 · 06/07/2016 21:30

If he does actually get rehome them do you think you can work through this,?

KittyLaRoux · 06/07/2016 21:30

Of course you don't regret it. You did the right thing.

In your position I would not hesitate.
I think people believe asthma is just difficulty catching your breath, few puffs on your inhaler and all is good.
They want to try waking up their 8 yo Ds at 3 am for him to call an ambulance as you can't breath, can't talk and are losing consciousness. Few times of doing that and I wonder if the pets before humans lot would still keep them.

Quodlibet · 06/07/2016 21:30

Haven't read the full thread but people are being ridiculous.

I am also an allergic asthmatic (and former smoker). I used to be able to smoke with no effect on my asthma but 10 minutes in the same room as a cat would have me wheezing intolerably.

Obviously in an ideal world the OP would give up vaping. But her asthma is being made worse by the CATS, not the vaping. Whilst it is incredibly unfortunate to have to rehome a loved pet, I can't see how the OP's quality of life can be ok unless this happens.

Original poster
FruitCider · 06/07/2016 21:32

I would even consider paying him some maintenance as my salary will be £10k a year more than his. I don't need to send my dd to nursery the days I have off either. I would just pay to keep the space open.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 06/07/2016 21:34

Before I was with my dh, I thought asthma was a few puffs on an inhaler.

Having to call the ambulance and have him on a nebuliser because he couldn't breathe scared the shit out of me.

BettyDraper1 · 06/07/2016 21:35

If my vaping partner wanted me to give up my cats of seven years because of their asthma, i'd tell them where to go. It's harsh but if you can vape a load of chemicals into your lungs (and I say this as a vaper) then your reasoning becomes less compelling. To my mind.

BettyDraper1 · 06/07/2016 21:38

BUT. I do understand your hierarchy point. That is demoralising.